It was just the once, and it was a joke. He kept his dick in his pants, which no one is mentioning. At least there’s that. At least he kept it in his pants. He was a comedian, you see, before he was a politician and comedians are judged by different rules than politicians. I don’t know if you know many comedians, but most of the time the best you can hope for is that they don’t take their dicks out. So at least there’s that, and it was just the once, and it was a joke.
Surely, no one meant no sexual harassment when this whole campaign began. Let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the good here; can’t throw a no-hitter every game. Into every woman’s life, a little rain must fall, right? This wasn’t a decades-long run of weaponized masturbation and sticking fingers where they were not invited. One-time mishap. Why would we even have rugs if not to sweep this sort of incident under?
No one was forced to put a Jew’s balls in her mouth for a promotion, or to keep her job.
It wasn’t kids.
And he’s our guy. He’s really our guy. Isn’t this the Left’s problem? This childish morality, this insistence on lifelong purity, these easily touched-off feeding frenzies of virtuosity? Shouldn’t we do as the Republicans do and judge people’s behavior by the metric of how useful they are to us? He’s a useful man. Ever see him draw America freehand? Ever see him catch Jeff Sessions in a lie? Ever hear him talk about his favorite Althea? Useful guy, I tell you.
Did you read his apology? Not the first one that he got shit on for, but the second one. Let’s just concentrate on the second one. He said all the right things, which is more than most of the men in his position have done. None of that “if you were offended” bullshit, just a straight-up mea culpa. He must get some points for that. This is all a point-based game right? And what about the ethics inquiry he asked for? That’s a stand-up thing to do. Ethics inquiry is nothing like going to rehab or donating to women’s charities or whatever; an ethics inquiry means something: people wear suits to them, and there are gavels and stenographers involved. Serious business, ethics inquiries. Maybe we should be commending him for his bravery.
Let’s let him slide. Others have done so much worse, and it was just the once, and it was a joke. It wasn’t kids. He’s our guy, and it wasn’t kids.
And the next time we point our fingers, we won’t feel like hypocrites at all. I promise.