Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

And We Could Curse In Fluent Kangaroo

“Thank you for meeting me, Doctor Dolittle.”

“It’s pronounced DAHL-it-uhl. Everyone gets it wrong.”

“Huh. I had always heard it the other way.”

“Well, that’s because the world’s full of putzeldorfs. Ask the average guy to pronounce Goethe or Nietzsche.”

“Yes, well. You are the man who can talk to the animals, correct?”

“Oh, yeah. Lucky me.”

“Yes! Lucky you! My word, to be able to translate the squawks and roars of the lesser creatures. How illuminating that must be!”

“Illuminating? Uh-huh. Hey! Ferguson!”

A SILVERBACK GORILLA ENTERS THE ROOM,

“Ook ook?”

“AHH AHH AHH AHH OOK!”

“Ook?

“HOO HOO HOO HOO.”

A SILVERBACK GORILLA LEAVES THE ROOM

“Should I translate?”

“Oh, please, Doctor. This is ever so exciting.”

“I asked Ferguson what he was thinking about. He said I want a banana and some gorilla-pussy. I asked him if there was anything else on his mind, and he said No, just the banana and the gorilla-pussy.

“A bit base of a thought, I submit. But the most learned of men sometimes find their minds wandering about common neighborhoods.”

“Sure, yeah. Maybe it’s a one-off. Hey! Crawdad!”

A GIRAFFE ENTERS THE ROOM

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

A GIRAFFE LEAVES THE ROOM

“Translate?”

“Neither of you said anything.”

“Giraffes don’t have vocal chords. They communicate telepathically.”

“Really?”

“That’s what those little horns are for.”

“I had no idea.”

“Yeah, so, I asked him what he was thinking, and he said Leaves and giraffe-pussy. I’m gonna bring another animal in here, and I bet you can tell how it’s gonna go. I can see in your eyes that you’re a bright fellow. Hey! Britney!”

A LIONESS ENTERS THE ROOM

“Roar?”

“GGGGRROOOOOOWR.”

“Yeah, I figured. Thank you, sweetie.”

A LIONESS LEAVES THE ROOM

“Antelope and lion-pussy. That’s all Britney’s thinking about.”

“Britney is a female.”

“Lions can be lesbians.”

“Another fact I did not know.”

“Y’wanna know what it’s like to talk to the animals? It’s hell. It’s utter hell. When roosters crow in the morning, they’re just screaming WANNA FUCK over and over. What would animals have to talk about? Books? Sports? The weather? Shit, most of ’em aren’t smart enough to get out of the rain, so they’re definitely not advanced enough to discuss it. Animals are the worst conversationalists in the world.”

“I always figured that animals would have innocent yet slightly askew takes on life.”

“That’s children. Or foreigners. These are creatures with brains more rudimentary than ours, and they won’t stop coming to my house and yammering at me.”

A DUCK ENTERS THE ROOM

“Yes, yes! Bread crumbs and rape!”

“Quack!”

“Fuck you, too, Nelson!”

A DUCK LEAVES THE ROOM

“I’ll give you a thousand dollars to murder me.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Please. I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and I can’t get the animals to do it. I tried covering myself in barbecue sauce and standing downwind of the tigers, but they wouldn’t take the bait.”

“Stop it.”

“Please kill me.”

“I’m leaving.”

1 Comment

  1. Scent Trail

    Shoulda tried standing up wind.

Leave a Reply