Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (page 1 of 942)

Real-Time Thoughts On Revenge Of The Sith After Having Consumed Far Too Many Edibles

  • Star Wars, nothin’ but STAAAAAR Wars…
  • Fuck you, Star Wars.
  • Fuck you sans grease or a kind word.
  • I’m already lost.
  • The opening scroll did me in.
  • Who are the Separatists?
  • They sound rather stand-offish.
  • Ooh, space pew-pew.
  • Always did love the spaceship battles the best, though even as a kid I wondered why the ships all had wings.
  • You don’t need wings in space.
  • Of course, you also can’t swoop about like you’re dogfighting high above the bloody fields of Bastonne, either.
  • Anyway, My Boyfriend and Calvin Klein get to where they wanted to go, which is General Grievous’ ship.
  • When Grievous entered, you knew this one was gonna suck, too.
  • I remember having hope for the first little bit.
  • And then the cyborg lizard with the smoker’s cough showed up.
  • He has kidnapped Emperor Palpatine, who is not officially Emperor Palpatine yet, but is totally and blatantly evil and everyone’s an idiot for not figuring it out.
  • But, wait, maybe Count Dookula kidnapped him.
  • None of these movies have a clear hero or villain.
  • But My Boyfriend has been knocked conveniently unconscious, so Calvin Klein can decapitate Count Dookula.
  • Now the ship has been damaged and immediately pitches downward and begins falling towards the planet’s surface.
  • Which is not how space works.
  • That’s just obnoxious.
  • So the Jedis and Artoo are captured and brought in front of Greebles, who hacks up a robolung, and OH GOD I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
  • How the fuck is this battlecruiser re-entering an atmosphere?
  • Clearly, it was built for interstellar travel.
  • Not to fucking land like a 737.
  • Why is there even a runway?
  • Every single vehicle in Star Wars simply rises up and flies away.
  • But for some reason there’s a LaGuardia-size strip of pavement in the middle of Coruscant.
  • Calvin Klein and Patalie Nortman make kissy-faces at each other, and I’m gonna scroll through Instagram.
  • All of the Instagram Hotties are broken up about Juiceface.
  • Juicy SMONK?
  • Whatever the dead kid’s name was.
  • Very sad when young musicians die, unless you’re the young musician’s record company.
  • Anyway, the Instagram Hotties are beside themselves.
  • Black bikinis and everything.
  • Anything happening?
  • Nope, still a love scene.
  • Natadoo Dorpsucker is pregnant.
  • She got a space-bun in the oven.
  • Gotta say this: Yoda is terrible at his job.
  • Calvin Klein comes to him, and he’s clearly a disintegrating maniac.
  • The kid’s sweating and glowering and saying vague shit about how he sees terrible shit in the future.
  • THE SIGNS WERE THERE.
  • He may as well have shown up to high school in a trenchcoat.
  • Yoda really should have tugged on Samuel L. Jackson’s cape about this.
  • “Shoot up the place, the white boy is going to.”
  • “Mm. I agree. That cracker is fucked up and shit.”
  • “Blame video games, I do.”
  • There’s just so much standing around and talking.
  • Shit, Aaron Sorkin figured this out.
  • Have your characters walk somewhere while they jibbyjaw.
  • Gives the scene some momentum.
  • Anything but this standing there.
  • No.
  • Wait.
  • There’s something worse.

  • Just sitting there and talking.
  • How can a movie about WARS in the STARS be so fucking boring?
  • The Chocolate War was more interesting than this, and that took place at a Catholic school.
  • Conversely, the Battle of the Network Stars was also more interesting, but Gabe Kaplan was usually one of the team captains and a lot of the actresses wouldn’t wear brassieres under their tee-shirts, so you can understand my fascination.
  • Ooh, best scene in the whole trilogy:

  • THREE
  • EVIL
  • HEAD
  • TURNS.
  • Which just proves that Calvin Klein is a moron.
  • A guy does that to me once, and I’m out of the room.
  • But not Pretty Boy.
  • Palpatine’s not being subtle, either.
  • “The Jedi don’t like you, Anakin. They talk shit behind your back all the time.”
  • “What!?”
  • “Oh, yes. They call you Skyfarter.”
  • “I hate that name!”
  • “I told them it was cruel, but they wouldn’t stop.”
  • Everything, everything, everything looks fake.
  • Nothing is matted properly, and all the lighting is slightly off.
  • Endor seemed like a real place.
  • Cuz it was.
  • Redwood National Park.
  • And Tatooine, too.
  • It was Tunisia.
  • But the cameras never went outside during filming of the Prequels.
  • All computer generated.
  • General Grabass?
  • Never existed.
  • Jabba was a real puppet in Return of the Jedi.
  • The world’s largest kiln had to be built just to bake the puppet’s latex into place, and then four guys were stuffed into the model to make it move.
  • Which is so much work.
  • Easier to do it all in the computer.
  • Ugh, a stupid chase.
  • Again: go watch Red Letter Media’s review; it’s better than mine.

  • Told ya.
  • Though it’s never mentioned in the films, the Emperor’s first name is Shreev.
  • Which is short for Shreevport.
  • Shreevport Palpatine.
  • And it seems like he’s the only one in the Prequels having any fun whatsoever.
  • Both the actor and the character.
  • Back to General Grapedick and My Boyfriend.
  • They were chasing each other on some sort of bug planet, and OH GOD FUCK THIS KILL ME.
  • I’ve never read Proust.
  • And it’s been a while since I played Joust.
  • Remember Joust?
  • You sat on an ostrich and fought with a lance?
  • Great stuff.
  • I bet Proust would have loved Joust.
  • I bet he would’ve written about it, at least.
  • That fucker needed topics.
  • I know he wrote about cookies and France, but that’s about it.
  • Palpatine and Nick Fury are lightsabering now, and they are not very good at it.
  • It’s not quite the fight scenes from Dolemite, but it’s not not that.
  • And now Calvin Klein is evil and Palpy has a face like a ballsack.
  • CK is all, “I’m your guy now.”
  • So Palpatine goes, “Niiiiiiice. You’re gonna be…uh…Darth…uh…something evil. Darth AIDS Needle. No, I can do better than that. Daaaaaaaarth…Drunk Driver. No, that’s terrible. Darth Hitler. Yes! You’re Darth Hitler.”
  • “How about Darth Vader?”
  • “Fine, fine, whatever. Go kill some younglings for Daddy.”
  • And so he does.
  • For those keeping track, this will be the second batch of children that Calvin has slaughtered.
  • Commander Cody?
  • What the fuck?
  • Are his Lost Planet Airmen in this movie, too?

  • Familiar looking sound system.
  • I AM GOING TO REINTEGRATE THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER.
  • Hey, Wally.
  • DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
  • Reintegrate? Don’t you mean disintegrate?
  • MY WORDS ARE PRECISE. HE SHALL BE REINTEGRATED WITH THE FUNDAMENTAL FORCES OF THE UNIVERSE.
  • Don’t do that.
  • TELL JIMMY BUFFET WITH AN AFRO TO STOP HONKING THAT SATANIC SHOFAR INTO ME. IF I HAD TEETH, THEY WOULD BE SET ON EDGE.
  • Just deal with it.
  • I think the Jedis all just died.
  • Gotta be straight with you folks: I went to the bathroom and didn’t hurry back.
  • But I think all the Jedis are dead.
  • That whole Order 66 thing.
  • Were there 65 other Orders implanted into the Clonetroopers’ subconsciousnesses?
  • Order 14: Rob the nearest jewelry store.
  • Order 29: Everybody whip out your wangs.
  • Order 30: Enroll in a Berlitz course and learn Space Italian.
  • And so on.
  • Hey, Jimmy Smits!
  • The Galaxy’s Lone Mexican (until Oscar Isaac)!
  • So now Palpitation is addressing the Senate; he tells them that the Jedi all went nuts, so he had to kill them, and now he’s in total control.
  • And everyone’s like YAAAAAAAY that makes sense.
  • Trump wishes he were Shreev Palpatine.
  • If Basketball Head could shoot Force Lightning out of his tiny hands, he totally would.
  • Don’t even pretend he wouldn’t do that shit constantly.
  • “Those younglings were no angels! Many, many of my powerful space-friends have told me that, and these are heavy-duty guys I’m talking about. Jabba. You know Jabba? Great guy, Jabba. He’s a Hutt, one of the biggest Hutts, very powerful, got a yacht like you just wouldn’t believe. Just the most beautiful yacht. And he’s always talking about those Jedis and their younglings. Not great kids. Maybe not so sad that these kids are dead.”
  • And so on.
  • My Boyfriend and Calvin Klein are now up to their balls in lava and having a tiff.
  • How the fuck do you make a laser-swordfight in a volcano boring?
  • Anyone got an extra for Phish NYE?
  • I’ll drive up.
  • I would rather take a 24-hour drive than watch another second of this vomitous bile.
  • I’d rather pickle my dick.
  • Is that even possible?
  • Wait, pickling makes things smaller, and I don’t want that.
  • The movie is bad, but I need all the dick I got.
  • Tommy Lee could lose an inch to the pickling process and not miss it, but I would notice.
  • Something’s happening on the screen involving a volcano.
  • I don’t know.
  • I don’t know.
  • I don’t know where I’m-a gonna go when the volcano blow.
  • CONFESSION TIME: Love that fuckin’ song.

  • There’s something vaguely disreputable about being a Parrothead, though.
  • Those fuckers all swing.
  • Parrotheads go to key parties.
  • Aaaaaaaaaand My Boyfriend just chopped off Calvin Klein’s arms and legs.
  • And then doesn’t even finish him off.
  • You’d put a dog in that condition down.
  • Plus, he’s evil now.
  • Sloppy move on My Boyfriend’s part: never walk away from the bad guy as he’s dying and assume that’s the end of it.
  • CHOP OFF THE VILLAIN’S HEAD.
  • Because if you don’t do that, then someone will rescue him and stuff him into a robot suit and he will scream NOOOOOOOOOO.
  • And if he does that, movie audiences across the world will shrink down in their seats, snigger into their hands, ask their respective gods why such an event would be allowed to occur.
  • NOOOOOOOOOO.
  • Get the fuck out of here.

  • What did I say?
  • Get the fuck out of here.
  • Has there ever been a more unintentionally hilarious climax to a film?
  • Sometimes in porn, the fellow will spooge right into the lady’s eye.
  • That’s a pretty funny climax.
  • But it’s nothing compared to NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • Okay, I’m done.
  • All out of space-gas.
  • I hate Star Wars and I never want to see another Star Wars movie as long as I live, or at least until Christmas Day when Brother on the Dead and I have tickets for Rise of Skywalker, and obviously I’m gonna watch the new episodes of The Mandalorian, but other than that: No more Star Wars.
  • I mean it this time.

Watch Out For That Tree

Sonny Bono>Bono.

And A Friend I Love At Hand

“Weir, you know a little French. Why is everyone calling us pwa-loos?”

Les poilus. It, uh, means ‘the hairy guys.'”

“Just like back home, man.”

Plus ça change. Hey, Jer?”

“Yeah, man?”

“Seeing the world is fun and all, but it’s much better when you do it with your friends.”

“Don’t get sentimental on me.”

“Just saying. You hungry?”

“Weir, if you bring up Arthur fucking Treacher’s one more time, I’m gonna scream.”

“Paris is a very cosmopolitan city. There might be one.”

“There won’t even be a McDonald’s for seven more years, man. Let it go.”

“How about sushi?”

“Maybe. It’s 1972, man. We might have to stick to French food.”

“Then, uh, we’re off on a culinary adventure.”

Who Wore It Better?

Bonus points:

  • Dragon embroidery.
  • Ian “White Shoes” Hunter, y’all.
  • The proper lace-up crotch.
  • Good, good, good hair day.
  • The old-school TWA carry-on bag in the background.

Debits:

  • Where’s the salad, braj?
  • Man wears a pair of skin-tight leathers, there should be some tater salad.

Bonus points:

  • That breeze is treating Dave’s do just right.
  • Is that Sonny Bono’s face painted on the gas tank?

Debits:

  • Jean-cut don’t make it, Dave; leathers shouldn’t be baggy.
  • That bike is tackier than sailing into the wind.

Who ya got, Enthusiasts?

 

There’s Always A Dead Connection, Hereford FC Edition

  1. Both bands sing about rolling items away.
  2. While playing Winterland in ’72, Ian Hunter gave the giant Stealie flag the finger.
  3. Member named “Mick.”

That is it.

A Trifle

What if there were a song that covered the same theme as Money For Nothing, but didn’t contain so many casual “faggots” AND rocked? Stop wondering and listen to The Presidents Of The United States Of America.

Okay, same question, but from Montreal.

Happy Birth, Jay

“Happy birthday, Jay.”

“Aw, man, thanks. Phil, this is so nice of you to–”

“Eight bucks.”

“–do, and…what now?”

“Cake is eight bucks a slice. Pony up, longhair.”

“But it’s my birthday.”

“I’m running a restaurant here, camerafucker. No free cake.”

“Okay. Eight bucks?”

“Mm-hm. And two more for the candle.”

“Two bucks for a candle?”

“It’s vegan.”

Sang A Little While, Then Flew Off

Thank you, Caroll. Thank you, Bird. Thank you, Oscar.

Old Age Lament, ’74

The past happened so very long ago.

And now we are so old.

Francois’ Tower

“Hey, Jer.”

“Yeah, Weir?”

“Gendarme’s got your arm.”

“Good one, man.”

“Y’know, in addition to looking nifty, the Eiffel Tower is also the tallest FM radio transmitter in Europe.”

“Y’don’t say.”

“Oh, yeah. I don’t know any of the deejays over here, though.”

“Wolfman Jack’s Gallic cousin, Wolfman Jacques.”

“I bet he plays a lot of Johnny Hallyday.”

“Give the people what they want, man. Especially if they’re French, or they’ll chop your head off.”

“They’re, uh, easily-riled folks. Historically speaking.”

“Historically speaking.”

“Jer?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“I just realized that this is where they film Superman II eight years from now.”

“Weir?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“Don’t say stuff like that out loud around civilians, man.”

“Sure.”

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