Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 1 of 987)

Thoughts On The Under Siege Films

  • I cannot lie to you, Enthusiasts: I am not flourishing.
  • Outside is trying to kill me, and it does not sit well.
  • Outside and I were never tight.
  • Always preferred Inside, personally.
  • You can adjust the temperature, and there are fewer insects.
  • And maybe a pool table.
  • Very strange to find a pool table Outside.
  • But it wasn’t actively lethal.
  • One could venture out at one’s wont, perhaps for breakfast meats, or to wander aimlessly around a bookstore.
  • Outside was there, if you get my meaning.
  • It was like Hunter’s famous case of Retsina.
  • Its presence was more important than its use.
  • But now: poof.
  • No more Outside.
  • Full of monsters and poison and keyed-up fools.
  • So I am staying Inside, and it’s fucking getting to me.
  • For example: tonight’s double-feature.
  • Maybe–MAYBE–I could defend watching the first Under Siege.
  • But not the second one.
  • There’s no excuse for that choice.
  • Torrented it, too.
  • I broke the fucking law to watch Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.
  • It involved a train.
  • The first one involved a battleship, and it’s a superior film in every way.
  • For one, it stars Tommy Lee Jones as the bad guy instead of Eric Bogosian’s White Afro.
  • That’s a downgrade.
  • That’s reserving a Mustang and finding out there’s only a broken skateboard available.
  • The first Under Siege also contains this shot at the end, which is one of my favorite images from all of cinematic history:

  • Now, I was never in the Navy.
  • Nor any other branch of service.
  • But I’m almost positive you’re not allowed to wear friendship bracelets with your uniform.
  • The Navy’s really uptight about what clothes people wear.
  • There’s a whole book!
  • Again: I have no personal experience with service, but I know these things to be true.
  • You can’t wear your Molly Hatchet tee-shirt on duty.
  • Or your flippity-flops.
  • And you certainly can’t pair a pink friendship bracelet with your dress blues.
  • It’s literally why they call it a UNI-form.
  • Only one way to wear it right.
  • This is at the end of the movie, after Steven Seagal has murdered everyone.
  • Despite being only a cook.
  • (Steven Seagal is only a cook. He used to be a SEAL or something, but was disgraced or something, and so he’s available to murder all the bad guys. You don’t need to concern yourself with the details. I didn’t, and I watched the movies, so why should you? “Steven Seagal pretends to be a cook, but is in actuality Steven Seagal” is the elevator pitch. He does a lot of his murder with knives, though.)
  • The only reason I could recommend watching the second of the Under Siege bilogy is to see for yourself how lazy it is.
  • Bilogy is a word.
  • One less than a trilogy is a bilogy.
  • Sure, it’s an unpleasant word, but so is war, man.
  • Embrace the bilogy.
  • Anyway, the first one was directed by the same guy who did Air Force One and The Fugitive, and the second one was not.
  • Like, at all.
  • There’s a train, and an evil satellite, and–as I mentioned–Eric Bogosian’s White Afro.
  • And teenaged Katherine Heigl.
  • “GET AWAY FROM STEVEN SEAGAL, TEENAGED KATHERINE HEIGL!”
  • I yelled that at the screen during several scenes.
  • “THE WORST PLACE TO BE IS NEXT TO HIM!”
  • But Katherine Heigl’s a pro, and so she acquitted herself, I suppose.
  • At one point, she does something with a grenade, and you’re like “Way to go, Katherine Heigl. Knew you had it in you, sweetie.”
  • Hey, pal?
  • Mm?
  • Remember when this site was about the Grateful Dead?
  • It was such a long time ago.
  • There’s been some drift.
  • I’m going to continue discussing the Under Siege bilogy.
  • That is not a word.
  • Ignoring you.
  • The point I’m trying poorly to make is this: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory is a far worse movie than Under Siege, and this makes it much better.
  • The first one is well shot, and acted, and they had a real battleship.
  • Which just illuminates what a piece of shit the film is.
  • You can’t steal a fucking battleship.
  • It’s just dumb.
  • And even if a battleship did get stolen, the Navy could fix the issue quickly.
  • It’s a boat!
  • Sink it!
  • PROBLEM SOLVED.
  • The second one, though, was all shot in a studio on a fake train surrounded by rear projectors and no gave any shits at all.
  • In the first film, the fight sequences are tight and well-choreographed affairs full of force and violence, and in the second Steven Seagal waves his hands lazily at his opponents, which makes them fling themselves off the train.
  • It’s kinda like he’s playing a theremin.
  • The motions are languid.
  • Or he just shoots them noncinematically.
  • The bad guy is standing there with his pistol.
  • Steven Seagal sneaks into the frame, grabs the guy’s hand, and makes him shoot himself.
  • And the action is somehow hollow.
  • Where is the joy, Steven Seagal?
  • Don’t shoot a guy that way, man.
  • It is literally the murder of least resistance.
  • You can do it, put your back into it.
  • Okay, let’s not do this again.
  • Watch this and forget any of this happened:

Update On Disney Properties In These Uncertain Times

Hello to all the Disney fans out there, especially lovers of the Happiest Place in Florida, Disney World! As you may have read on one of the unlicensed Disney news sites that our lawyers are in the process of shutting down, we will be entering into a phased opening of Disney World, EPCOT, Animal Kingdom, and any other amusement facilities we may or may not own. A water park maybe? I think we’ve got a water park, but that’s not coming back right now. Jesus, a water park? I’d rather go to a bum orgy than a water park right now.

The World’s Finest Theme Park will look slightly different than the last time you saw it. First off: All the Goofys are dead. There’s no way to sugarcoat that. The costume was irredeemably infected by the coronavirus, and the sucker’s just lethal. We got Pluto, we got Donald, but you should break it to your kids that Goofy will not be making the rounds. Continuing in that vein, Space Mountain has been declared a Hot Zone. Stay well back, or at least shield your genitals with aluminum foil.

We will be requiring that all our guests wear masks at all times. Outside masks will not be allowed on premises. We will be selling masks.  We do ask that you not berate, attack, assault, or conscript into slavery any of our cast members if they ask you wear a mask. We will remind you that Disney has the legal authority to execute you. (Go google “Reedy Creek Improvement District.)

The Monorail will be out of service until our Imagineers can wrest control back from the alligators. It’s Florida, so any vehicle left unguarded for more than a week will be occupied by gators. They’re getting smarter.

Preferred Compatriot passes are also available, which include a complimentary Mickeymask™ and a cast member who will harshly shove strangers out of your Personal Health Radius.

We have also dipped the Giant Turkey Legs in bleach, for your safety.

Disney looks forward to welcoming you, the easily-entertained numbskull, back to our parks. We won’t do it in person, of course, because there’s a fucking plague on, but you jackdicks have a good time giving us your money.

Signed,
Bob Iger

Films I Would Rather Watch Than Zack Snyder’s Justice League

  • Snuff film starring Tom Hanks as the snuffer or the snuffee.
  • Robocop with a guy who, every time Robocop comes on the screen, leans over and whispers, “That’s Robocop.”
  • The sequel to 1970’s Joe: Joe Rogan.
  • Two hours of seizure-inducing strobe effects.
  • Steve Buscemi fingering his non-showered butthole in 4K.
  • Birds being eaten alive by really mean fish.
  • Balls! starring Paul Scheer’s head as the left ball.
  • Anything with James Cordon.
  • Ruby Rose and Gina Carano doing Shakespeare.
  • Surveillance footage of a 9/11-themed rape.
  • Bloodsport with Donald Trump who keeps fast-forwarding so he can watch the bloodsports.
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