Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 1 of 1013)

An Update

Wanna know my mental state? Here ya go: There is a Steve Coogan movie marathon going on in Fillmore South. And that’s a fact that bespeaks. It fucking bespeaks.

Sad boy having a sad day?

Yes.

Just tell me you’re not watching 24-Hour Party People again. You’ve seen it twice in the past month.

That movie’s a warm blanket, muchacho. But, no.

Not those pointless travelogue films where him and Rob Brydon eat and do Michael Caine impressions? 

God, no. Tristram Shandy is next. Might do Hamlet 2 after that.

Acceptable.

The First Draft Of President Trump’s 1776 Commission Executive Order

WHEREAS these radical leftists–who are so left you can’t believe, just way over there–want to defund Mt. Rushmore and let Mexicans eat the suburbs, Donald J. Trump stands for America and that’s what billions of people voted for in 2016, and will again in 2020, and maybe a couple more times after that, who knows, anything can happen.

WHEREAS nine out of ten teachers are commies.

WHEREAS they hate America, and they want to teach your children to hate America, too. They go into the classrooms with dartboards. There’s a map of America on the board. They get the children, the beautiful children, to throw the darts at America, which is also so beautiful. Everyone is talking about dartboards and children and America.

WHEREAS the kids have to learn about Washington and Lincoln and Churchill and our great generals, and not that America is so miserable and sad and unfair and racist and sexist. If America is racist and sexist, how does the WNBA exist?

WHEREAS we need to celebrate the greatness of America, which far exceeds any other country’s greatness by a thousand. By at least a thousand, and the children need to learn this. And they need to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m gonna do another Executive Order to cut off federal funding for any school that sits for the Pledge.

WHEREAS maybe instead of just saying the Pledge once in the morning, they do it before each class?

WHEREAS the Revolution, and then whatever, and then the Civil War, and then World War Two, and you’ll notice that America was the winner in every conflict. America has never lost a war. Even countries that are really good at war lose one or two, but not us. That’s history. That’s what we should be teaching the children, about heroes. Some woman not wanting to give up her seat on a bus is not a hero. If she was a hero, she would have owned a car.

WHEREAS Noam Chomsky is fake news.

WHEREAS they want to fill in your swimming pools and set your patios on fire. They want to take America and rip out her guts. They want to stab God. They want to get ahold of your children. Some of them will be eaten, but maybe they’re the lucky ones. The rest will be indoctrinated by nefarious forces, some of the most nefarious you could imagine, working behind the scenes. These are the shadow people.

WHEREAS no other President had the strength to confront and defeat the shadow people.

WHEREAS Donald Trump will defend the children, who need to realize how spectacular America is, and not constantly hear all this depressing crap about slavery and whatever.

WHEREAS do I need to sign this? I do? Just print it out and bring it to me. Junior, shut the fuck up. You don’t clean up my words. Those are Presidential words, and you’re going to clean them up? I wouldn’t trust you to clean up a gas station bathroom. Christ, I want my name back. Print it out! PRINT IT OUT!”

Please Get Medicine To Stop Calling Me

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Yello?”

“Mr. on the Dead? This is Dentistry calling. You are not flossing enough!”

“How do you know that?”

“No human flosses enough! It is impossible, given the duties of family and the demands of capitalism. There simply is not enough time in the day!”

“You got that right.”

“I am calling to schedule your procedure. Oh, I do so enjoy that pacific euphemism! ‘Procedure.’ Sounds so much better than ‘A strange man will be yoinking a slice of bone out of your skull.'”

“It’s more official-sounding.”

“And this is an official office, Mr. on the Dead. You will be so very impressed by the number of proclamations hanging on our walls. Most are in Latin!”

“That’s good, I guess.”

“I cannot read them, but that might be because I do not own a toga.”

“Could be.”

“In reviewing your chart, I see that you are wracked with maladies spanning the spectrum from nigglesome to lethal.”

“Yes.”

“If you were a horse, they would shoot you. And then, depending on if the ‘they’ in that first sentence referred to the French, eat you. Those oily socialists got a taste for Trigger!”

“Irrelevant to the conversation.”

“They hear ‘Hi-yo Silver’ and think they are being called to the dinner table!”

“I don’t wanna talk about the French or horses or anything even vaguely related.”

“My conversations have a cosmopolitan flair, Mr. on the Dead! I will not apologize for my worldliness!”

“I accept your non-apology.”

“If I will be allowed to do so, I will now return to your medical history.”

You still there?

“It is taking me a minute because I am reading it through my fingers. Like watching a horror movie!”

Great.

“Due to the rot in your core, we will need you to take many medications in preparation for the procedure.”

Okay. Like, an antibiotic?

“I do believe I said ‘many!’ Your immune system is merely a rumor at this point, Mr. on the Dead. Even the most minor impingement by the forces of microbial evil could take you out. You are a walking glass jaw! We must lace you strongly with boosterifics, and uppity-pops, and go-get-ems.”

Gotcha.

“As long as I am calling the pharmacy, would you like anything for funsies?”

I’m good.

“The offer is a standing one. Would you like to hear about our volume discounts?”

Volume discounts? I’m getting a tooth pulled.

“That is correct, but you would save money if you had teeth pulled. The savings start immediately, but really ramp up at five!”

No.

“I do not understand why everyone doesn’t take that enormous deal. They’re just teeth. They grow back.”

Teeth do not grow back.

“I got them mixed up with hair again! I am always doing that! They had to let me go from the barbershop after one too many root canals went bad.”

Uh-huh. I just need the one tooth pulled.

“Was it transphobic?”

What?

“Is that why you are cancelling your tooth?”

I’m not cancelling anything.

“Oh, so you approve of hatred?”

I’m begging you to stay on topic.

“This is an office of love, Mr. on the Dead! Official love! We will not be having any Mean Mr. Mustards and Colonel Craphearts enfouling the air.”

Okay.

“Even if they are teeth. Can I extoll the fiduciary virtue of the volume discount one more time?”

No.

“You are thinking with your mouth, and not your wallet!”

Understood.

“Are you allergic to any of the 11 herbs & spices? Because tomorrow is KFC day.”

No allergies.

“If you are good during your procedure, you may receive a non-breast chicken piece of your choosing. That is up to the doctor, though, and he is of a capricious nature!”

We’ll see what happens.

“Once your tooth is removed, may it be used in disgusting art purchased by rich degenerates?”

No.

“What about thrown at llamas?”

What?

“Some people like to throw teeth at llamas. Do not judge them, Mr. on the Dead. It is a hobby which hurts no one.”

What about the llamas?

“It sometimes hurts the llamas. Yes or no?”

No.

“Same question, but with alpacas.”

My teeth may not be thrown at any New World ungulates.

“Voodoo.”

Are you asking me if you can use my teeth for voodoo purposes?

“Yes.”

God, no.

“Same question, santeria.”

I need to get to the end of this conversation. I’ll go to the pharmacy and pick up the scrips. Anything else I need to know?

“Scrub down your mouthal innards! Just this morning, we had a patient who looked like a cole slaw bomb had exploded in their mouth! Leave that nastiness in your bathroom sinkings!”

Done. Oh, I forgot:Do you have the ronus?

“No.”

“Several of us do! See you tomorrow!”

Wait no–

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

Bobbing Away

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Bicycling.”

Sure.

“Some folks like uni. And, uh, others prefer tri. But I like my cycling bi.”

What about bicycling do you like best?

“The shorts.”

I should have guessed.

“They’re made of a material called spandex. Space-age stuff. And, uh, they’re form-fitting. Whatever form you have, they’ll fit it. They’re a clingy short.”

A little weird you never wore those onstage.

“There was a meeting.”

Ah.

“And, you know, we don’t have a lot of those. But apparently everyone thought it was an all-hands-on-deck situation. Got a little contentious, too.”

Well, no one likes being told what to wear.

“Oh, it had nothing to do with that. Billy started biting people.”

He does that.

“How’s the Murder Heist going?”

I thought you would know?

“I’ve stepped back from an active position in that endeavor.”

You’re taking a Murder Heist Sabbatical? You can do that?

“You can do anything you want until someone stops you.”

True.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta take this. It might be my Schwinn guy.”

You got a Schwinn guy?

“Big time.”

Huffy?

“Won’t return my calls.”

Dicks.

“Hang on.”

“Weir here.”

“HAIRY GARCIA! WE BEEN TRYIN’ T’ CALL YOU F’R DAYS!”

“We?”

“ME AN’ THE BANANA MAN. AH MAY HAVE ERRED IN ALLOWIN’ HIM T’ DO TH’ DIALIN’!”

“Probably beyond his capabilities, King.”

“NOTHIN’ IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH JESUS AN’ KARATE.”

“All right.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, TH’ MURDER HEIST DONE BEGUN RAMIFICATIONING ALL OVER TH’ PLACE.”

“The thing that always happens where reality spaghettifies and dinosaurs start eating people?”

“YEAH, TH’ USUAL PETERIN’-OUT!”

“The premise on this one was shaky as hell.”

“TH’ BOY’S GOT COLE SLAW F’R BRAINS, AN’ HE THOUGHT ‘MURDER HEIST’ WUZ A FUNNY PHRASE, AN’ THEN HE DIDN’T DO NO MORE THINKIN’.”

“The folks who read this site expect more.”

“LETDOWN AFTER LETDOWN, MAN.”

“HOW’S TH’ FAMILY?”

“Depends on what year this is.”

“UH-HUH.”

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