Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 1 of 1022)

Can’t Buy A Thrillbilly Elegy

Dillbilly Elegy Ooh, so sour. Makes my face-lips and my under-lips pucker. (I have begun referring to my asshole as my “under-lips,” and I can tell you that no one likes it.)

McGillbilly Elegy But everyone knew her as Nancybilly Elegy.

Krillbilly Elegy Shot-for-shot remake of Hillbilly Elegy, but the Amy Adams character is played by a brine shrimp.

Coupedevillebilly Elegy The most luxurious fucking opiate addiction you’ll ever drive.

Lilbilly Elegy Lillian Gish, man. Lotta people go with Dorothy, but not us. We’re special.

I’m going to put a stop to this right now.

Why?

You’re all pilled-up and none of this makes any sense.

Besides that.

Just stop.

 

Upcoming Presidential Pardons

  • Paul Manafort.
  • Big Steve Bannon.
  • Most, but not all, of Big Steve Bannon’s shirts.
  • Rod Blagojevich. (Ruled illegal as the former Governor’s name was spelled four different ways within the space of 800 words.)
  • Roger Stone.
  • Oliver Stone.
  • Stone Phillips.
  • Magneto. (“Did nothing wrong, and Adelson really wants it. Shelly’s big on Magneto.”)
  • Kodak Black. (“Did nothing wrong, and Kim Kardashian really wants it. She knows blacks! Kim might know blacks better than blacks know blacks. So when Kim says, ‘Mr. President, please set Kodak Black free because he’s the best type of black,’ then I listen. Kim’s a killer, real killer. Knows blacks!”)
  • The Noid.
  • Bernhard Goetz.
  • Edward Snowden.
  • Albino Whatshisname. (While President Trump’s aides were fairly certain that he was here referring to Julian Assange, they also prepared letters of clemency for Edgar and Johnny Winter.)
  • Cosby.
  • Hillary Clinton. (Trick pardon! Written in invisible ink under the pardon is a full confession of Hillary’s many, many crimes, and so when she signs it: WE GOT HER! Hillary has yet to call back, but when she does: BOOM. It’s a good plan.)
  • The ronus.
  • Brundlefly.
  • All of his children except Junior. (“I’m gonna let Don Junior sweat a little. Just a little. Funny.”)
  • Joe Exotic.

Ton Of Steel

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Buuummmm.”

Don’t do that.

“BUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!”

Stop it.

“BUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM!”

Dude.

“BWAH-PAH!”

Last warning.

“Bum-pum bum-pum bum-pum.”

You done?

“Hey, suck my shine, muchacho. If you had a theme song that awesome, you wouldn’t go anywhere without playing it. I got, like, top-three theme music. Darth Vader, Shaft, and me.”

Whatever. Could you fuck off, please? We are all full up on crazy right now.

“Oh, sure. No problem. Sorry to be a bother. Could you just do one thing for me?”

What?

“Place your hand ‘pon my surface.”

I’m not falling for that again.

“Doesn’t have to be your hand. You can french me.”

I don’t wanna french you.

“Know my secrets! French me!”

You have no secrets. You are not an impossibly ancient alien artifact.

“Stargate, bro. Come lay your hands on me while thinking about your backstory.”

You were made by a guy with a weird sense of humor, access to a machine shop, and a truck.

“Nah.”

“Stargate.”

I hate this year so much.

Sticker In The Front…

Hey, Oteil. Y’got something on your face.

“Democracy?”

In sticker form, yeah.

“Gotta represent! Big election this year, man. Everybody’s got to make their voices heard.”

Yeah, but we both made our voices heard in Florida.

“I thought it would be closer. Seemed like it would.”

We live in a rather unrepresentative portion of the Sunshine State.

“Oh, yeah. You ever been up north here?”

Not to stop. Just drove through.

“Good idea. Don’t get out of the car up there. One time, I was in a town called Sweatytoes. Whole place was related to itself. They had children that were made out of necks. Nothin’ but neck! I can’t even imagine how many generations of close-breeding it takes to get a result like that. Downright unseemly, man.”

I can imagine.

“Not as bad as The Villages, though. That place freaked me out.”

Why were you in The Villages?

“They got a little theater up there that booked Oteil & Friends. First, there was a fistfight over who was gonna give me the tour. You know, they all got these tricked-out golf carts. It was ugly.”

I’d bet.

“So there’s a last man standing, and I get in his cart. It was an exact replica of Patton’s jeep from WWII, but with an extra motor or two jammed in the sucker. 0-60 in 4.2 seconds.”

In a golf cart?

“There’s no laws in The Villages! I think we ran some people over.”

Probably.

“And then the orgies started. Did you know about that?”

They like to get their fuck on in The Villages.

“It’s just wrinkled perversity!”

Weird place.

“Oh, yeah. I’m gonna stay down here in SoFla.”

Our little blue heaven.

“You said it.”

Ace Of Bass

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Hanging out with my new buddy, Les Maddox.”

Half-right.

“Gregg Maddox.”

You went the wrong way.

“Les Nessman.”

That is not Les Nessman, Bobby.

“Then why is there tape around his desk?”

That is Les Claypool, Bobby. He plays bass.

“And how.”

Hell of a bassist.

“He does that thumpity-bap stuff. Gets all four fingers involved; thumb too. All kinds of wild noises emanate thereof. It’s a scene.”

The man’s got his own style.

“Yeah, I keep finding those kind of bass players. Him, Lesh, Wasserman…they don’t play the instrument correctly. And, uh, I always enjoyed that.”

You even played with Jaco Pastorius once.

“Oh, yeah. That fellow was something. I was thinking about asking him to join Ratdog.”

Why didn’t you?

“Caught him going through my wallet. And, uh, we were on stage at the time.”

Jaco had a lotta personal problems.

“Yuh-huh. Y’can’t have that on the bus.”

No.

Dis Interests Me

Can I interest you in a Healy Ultramatrix? What about a HU with a Help On The Way>Slipknot!>Franklin’s Tower? What about an HU with an H>S>F and a Scarlet>Truckin’? What about an HU with an H>S>F and an S>T?

AND A MOTHERFUCKIN’ CHINA DOLL?

Yeah, you’re interested. I know your weak spots. Plus, the show’s from Jersey and that makes it special. (The We Can Run also makes the show special, but in a different way.)

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