Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 1 of 1000)

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Mount Rushmore Remarks, 7/3/20

“Great, okay, yeah, so nice, Rushmore, all right, great. They tried to keep us from coming, but here we are. They block the roads with their tomahawks, buffalo, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I got a helicopter. Flew right over them. The pilot–and I have some of the best pilots you’ve ever seen, and they look so good, straight from central casting, tall, mustache–says to me Mr. President, please let me drop bombs on them. They hate America. And I said You’re right. They do hate America, but hold off on the bombs. So the pilot says They should call you Trump the Merciful, sir. And I said, Yeah, they should. That’s all true, true story. Where’s Kimberly Guilfoyle?

“Where’s Kimmy? She’s dating Junior for some reason. Did a lot to her face, but the body is still incredible. Women can keep their body or their face, not both. Kimmy, where are you?

“Kimmy?”

THUNDERING DUNDERWIT GETTING DISTRACTED BY A LASER POINTER WIELDED BY STEPHEN MILLER NOISE

“Ooh, green. So, anyway: Rushmore. Probably the greatest mountain we have. Anywhere, not just America. Everest has its problems! There’s a lot of people very down on Everest right now. Europe has some nice mountains, skiing, some beautiful resorts, but you can’t tell one mountain from another. Not Rushmore. You see Mount Rushmore, you’re like Hey, that’s Mount Rushmore. Great branding.

“But they want to take this away from us. First they take our statues, and then they take our beautiful mountains. This is antifa, this is the bad blacks, this is MS-13, this is the social–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–justice–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–warriors. They’re ‘woke.’ They wake up one day and want to destroy America. I’m woke and I hate George Washington. That’s what they say. So they desecrate our beautiful statues, tear them down, draw terrible things on them with spray paint. That’s mostly the bad blacks. Those people are incredible with the spray paint.

“All they wanna do is cancel. Cancel this, cancel that. I never got canceled. Did The Apprentice for nine seasons, and then I retired on top. Best ratings that NBC ever saw. Better than Cosby, Cheers, or that awful Jerry Seinfeld, who was never funny. Arnold tries to replace me. Huge flop! No one wants to see him! He sits there like a dummy. I made sure to put some energy into it, to sell the show, but Arnold is boring and so he failed like a dog. I didn’t get canceled, ever, but they wanna cancel all of your mountains.

“Y’got Washington, Jefferson. There’s Lincoln, who was good and not so good. People disagree on Lincoln. Roosevelt with the mustache. Not the one in the wheelchair. There was another Roosevelt, great President, very strong even though he couldn’t walk. Franklin. But he didn’t have a mustache. The one on the mountain isn’t that Roosevelt. That’s important to know.

“And these men were such beautiful men, and did so much for America, and now the Indians and whoever start screaming to cancel them. Canceling George Washington is like canceling the sky. Y’gonna cancel the sky? Maybe they’re thinking about it! I wouldn’t put it past antifa to try to cancel the sky. The Indians come in here and they cry. They say How, Big Chief. Mountain is-um sacred.Well, if it’s so sacred, then why are there faces of Presidents? I won that argument.

“Some of these statues are so wonderful, and the totalitarian left wants them all down. The horses are like you’ve never seen before. Really great horses on some of these statues. Powerful animals. And the men are riding the horses so gorgeously. You put that in a park, and everyone’s happy. That’s a draw! Who cares about a park? Benches, some stupid kids running around, maybe a pond or whatever. Who cares, right? But you install a beautiful statue that honors a brave hero on a horse, and now you really have something.

“They’re coming after Christopher Columbus. They’re coming after the MGM Grand because they say it’s racist against lions. They’re coming after hockey because they say it’s racist that the puck is black. The Black Hills. Maybe they’ll come for the Black Hills. I saw a lot of pickup trucks on the way in. They wanna replace them with taco trucks. It starts with statues and it ends with taco trucks.

“So, on Monday, I will sign an executive order implementing the death penalty for taking down any more statues, and I will set aside $100 million to study how to build the wall out of statues. I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone. Wall, statues. Americans deserve a wall made from statues, and I’m going to deliver it, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know what day it is and likes little girls.

“Okay, yeah, wonderful, God bless America, good, good.”

Some Words Can’t Be Unspoken

“Muchacho!”

Asshole.

“That’s Mr. Asshole to you. I’m big-time, baby. I’m record-breaking. In virus terms, I’m going for my EGOT. I’m the John Legend of viruses.”

Sounds right.

“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”

Knock that off.

“I am adding dates to the tour left and right, man. Going to the smaller venues, but also still playing the prestige places. I can play the trailer park or Tom Hanks. I’m versatile!”

No one likes you.

“No one likes Nick Cannon, but that guy’s huge.”

Stop comparing yourself to black celebrities.

“Never.”

I see you nailed Kimberly Guilfoyle.

“Me and every other guy in Silicon Valley.”

CORONAVIRUS HOLDING UP HIS HAND FOR A HIGH FIVE NOISE

“Don’t leave me hanging, bro.”

I am absolutely not touching you.

“Bro!”

CORONAVIRUS BEING LEFT HANGING NOISE

“Uncool.”

Oh, fuck off.

“Got all up in Guilfoyle. Was trying for the Great White Whale. God, I want him.”

Trump?

“Dude, the publicity! I take down the President of the United States, they’re doing 10-part documentaries about me. I’ll be like Michael Jordan.”

I told you to cut that out.

“How do you know I’m not black?”

Because you’re from China.

“I’m black. Black lives matter.”

You’re not black, and you’re not alive.

“Some scientists’ definition of life includes–”

VIRUSES AREN’T LIFE. You’re a creepy third option to a question that should only have two answers.

“That’s racist.”

Yes. I am totally racist against viruses. I believe they should use separate water fountains than me.

“Dude!”

Hell, I think we should round up the lot of you, and put two in each forehead.

“Holy shit, man! This is just hatred! I thought we were bantering.”

If I could Holocaust you and every being like you, I TOTALLY FUCKING WOULD. And I would laugh my ass off the whole time.

“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore.”

Good. Go away.

“I’m not gonna go away.”

I know.

What Should Be Carved Into The Sides Of Mountains?

  • Nothing.
  • What the fuck’s wrong with you, you swell-headed mothersucker?
  • It’s a mountain.
  • It’s beautiful the way it is.
  • Literally anything you do to it will make it worse.
  • I’m astonished by the audacity, honestly.
  • IT’S A FUCKING MOUNTAIN.
  • God made that shit.
  • You think you’re a better artist than The Lord?
  • Tell it to the Marines, muchacho.
  • Leave that shit alone.
  • Don’t carve some dead fuckstick with a rifle into a mountain.
  • Know your place, mortal hominid.

A Partial Transcript Of MSNBC Live, 7/2/20

Rep. Andy Biggs, chair of the conservative House Freedom Caucus, on Thursday called on the White House to shutter its coronavirus task force, claiming the nation’s top public health experts were undermining President Donald Trump. – Politico, 7/2/20

“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and if I don’t get to candyflip at MSG while some scruffy uggos from Vermont butcher Talking Heads covers real soon, I’m gonna murder my family. Love my family, but Momma needs a little release right now. Anyway, my guest today is one of Arizona’s seemingly innumerable amount of second-string Republican whackadoodles, U.S. Congressman Andy Biggs.”

“Everything’s Biggs-er in Arizona, Katy.”

“Is that your campaign slogan?”

“Yeah. It’s not great. Voters find it displeasing. That was the exact word they used, which I always found odd. But, you know: it’s suburban Arizona and I’m a Republican, so my slogan could’ve been Lather up your buttholes, pissants.”

“You represent a deeply red district.”

“Deeeeeeeep red. Like a monkey’s butthole. I mean, shit: I’m on national teevee right now, and all I’m doing is talking about buttholes, and I’m gonna win my race by 40 points. You know that old saying about how a politician never wants to be caught with a live boy or a dead girl? Well, I could fuck both of ’em right in the parking lot of Olive Garden and still get reelected.”

“Please stop cursing, Congressman.”

“Fuck that, fat-tits. I’m a man. I’m a man! I curse, and I shave four times a day, and I haven’t bought new underwear since 2003, and I don’t wear a mask.”

“Ah. Yes. The mask. You have recently made some statements decrying mask use.”

“Not crying. I don’t cry, What did I tell you? I’m a man.”

“Not ‘crying.’ Decry…y’know what? Forget it. You have stated that you don’t believe that the coronavirus is as dangerous as experts say it is, and you have advocated for a complete reopening without any social distancing or mask use.”

“When you say ‘expert,’ I assume you’re talking about Dr. Fauci?”

“Among others.”

“And what makes him such an expert?”

“A world-class intellect, top-notch education, and decades of experience at the highest levels of his field.”

“You think he’s better than me?”

“It’s not about that.”

“I’m a man, Katy.”

“You have mentioned that several times already.”

“A MAN.”

“Congressman, please tell me why you have come to the conclusions that you have about the coronvirus.”

“I can’t explain why I believe the things I do, Katy, but I will defend those beliefs to the death. Preferably someone else’s death, but whatever. The ronus is a phonus maronus. Doctors come up to me all the time. They plead with me to listen to their lies. I shout PHONUS MARONUS at ’em. They don’t know what to do with that.”

“I would imagine.”

“The facts are simple. One: China started this pandemic. Two: there is no pandemic. Three: masks are for homos. Four: Constitution says I got the right to go to Outback Steakhouse, and call the waitress ‘Sweetcheeks’ when I get there. Five: Dr. Fauci is antifa. Those are the facts.”

“Nothing you just said was a fact. Some of the items might rightly be classified as anti-facts.”

“Have we even seen his diploma?”

“Who, Dr. Fauci?”

“Yeah.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I have no idea! But all of it should be taken seriously! I’m a Congressman, dammit.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Arizonans are a proud, independent people, Katy. We work hard, but y’know what else? We love hard. And we like a hard hang. I meet up with the chums, we hang hard. Mostly guys from high school. Moochie, Big Skink, Little Skink, Chowhound. We call ourselves the Randy Rattlesnakes. Friday nights are for the boys!”

“Are you making a point, sir?”

“Well, me and the other Randy Rattlesnakes got a tradition where we enjoy Mexican food while being aggressively racist towards Mexican people. We call it Sweet & Sour.”

“That’s awful.”

“And wearing masks would destroy that.”

“Why?”

“Because we like to put on fake mustaches to mock the Mexicans. Y’see, Katy: Mexicans love their mustaches.”

“Can we change topics?”

“Only if we talk about President Trump.”

“Fine.”

“Looooooove him.”

“Gotcha.”

“And he wants to lead us to glory. The greatest economic recovery in the history of the world is right around the corner, and President Trump wants to bring us home. Let’s let him! He’s our quarterback, Katy. And that corona task force…well, I don’t know whose team they’re on. Or maybe they’re punters. Shit, there’s nothing worse than a punter. President Trump needs lions, but he’s got punters. Doctors Fauci and Birx are punters, and so maybe they should just disappear.”

“Disappear, sir?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day Fauci leaves his house to go to work and just doesn’t show up. That kind of thing happens a lot more than the government wants you to know. People disappear all the time.”

“Congressman, are you suggesting violence?”

“Not suggesting. Just introducing the notion to your viewers, including the mentally-imbalanced ones. Just alerting all within the sound of my voice to the idea. Disappearing Dr. Fauci is something that could be done. That’s all I’m saying.”

“That is shockingly irresponsible and malicious.”

“Yeah.”

“Congressman Biggs, are you making any policy proposals?”

“I have a bill in committee naming a Navy ship after Alice Cooper.”

“No, I meant–”

“Alice is an Arizona boy!”

“–policy proposals regarding the coronavirus.”

“Oh, shit, right. I told President Trump he should make it illegal.”

“Make what illegal?”

“Kung Flu.”

“Don’t call it that, and that’s not how it works.”

“Won’t know ’til we try.”

“We will. We can know right now, without having actually performed the experiment, that declaring the coronavirus to be against the law would have no effect whatsoever.”

“I disagree. I believe it would be a strong, powerful move from a strong, powerful President. I would be more than pleased to stand beside President Trump as he signed the bill into law. I would clamor afterwards for his Sharpie, and then mount it in a fancy box, and place that box on my desk so I could point it out to everybody. That would be great, Katy.”

“We have ten seconds left. Anything else to say?”

“I’d like to repeat something I already said.”

“Which is?”

“Masks are for homos.”

“Wonderful. We’ll be right back.

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