The game, Enthusiasts, is ending. Did you know this? Have you been made aware of the current contestation’s cessation? Lawn Boy is ongoing, but not this game, nosiree. Another match shall begin at the precise moment of this one’s finale, but that’s not important: this game is ending.
I speak, of course, of the upcoming film Avengers: Choke On It, Thickies. Our favorite Marvel heroes are back to battle, once again, Thanos the Mad Titan, who has a giant purple cock and an idiosyncratic definition of the word “sustainability.” Thanos also has a gauntlet, which is like a glove that fucks.
You gonna be unpleasant and sexual this whole post?
Sally forth, then.
Now, none of this will make a lick of sense unless you’ve seen all the previous Marvel films; there are 21 in the series, and all of them lead up to this installment. (Now called an “extended universe,” older Enthusiasts will recognize this strategy from soap operas.) Because I love you–and can’t bear to write any political bullshit–I will catch you up on the MCU, film by film. We begin with:
IRON MAN (2008) The first, and still probably best, of the Marvel Cryptofascist Universe movies, Iron Man concerns an abdominally-superior dunce who invents a world-changing piece of magical bullshit, and then proceeds to use it to punch people, specifically someone who has stolen the magical bullshit. (Those of you who have seen the MCU movies will recognize this as the plot to a full quarter of the canon.)
THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008) The Incredible Hulk is the Tiffany Trump of the MCU: it mostly doesn’t exist, and no one loves it. Edward Norton made a decent Bruce Banner, but he couldn’t stop himself from pulling his usual “I went to Yale” stunts and demanding to rewrite the script, re-cut the flick, whatnot, and so he got fired and now tends a lighthouse in Nova Scotia.
IRON MAN 2 (2010) Iron Man 2 is generally regarded as the worst of the Iron Man trilogy, and one of the worst of the entire MCU; this is because most people are dullards. IM2 is secretly the most entertaining of all 20 films. Allow me to list its attributes:
- Mickey Rourke and that slushy, lippy nonsense he called a Russian accent.
- Iron Man–who, I will remind you, is Iron Man–fistfights a man with two super-bullwhips; it’s pretty much a draw. (This is a common trope in the MCU: characters are precisely as strong as the script needs them to be at that moment, and not a titch stronger.)
- Stand up, Jean-Louise.
- Your daddy’s passing.
- SAM FUCKING ROCKWELL.
- And the black Sam Rockwell, Don Cheadle.
- (You never realized that Don Cheadle was the black Sam Rockwell, did you? And now you’ll never be able to get it out of your head.)
- Extended shot of Tony peeing in the armor.
- The most gratuitous cheesecake-y/male gaze-y portrayal of a female character in the MCU’s history: Scarlet Johansson’s Black Widow, who–in her debut appearance–displays the following qualities:
- She has an ass which is the shape of an upside-down heart, and looks as though it would be firm yet giving to the touch.
- High heels.
- When threatened, she launches herself vagina-first at her assailants.
- And that’s pretty much it.
- Plus, Garry Shandling is in it, and he was wonderful, and it is not fair that Garry Shandling is dead and [HATED CELEBRITY] is still alive.
- This is Mad Libs now?
- It’s all Mad Libs.
THOR (2011) The Greek gods were in Marvel Comics, and the Romans’, too–both Hercules and Ares have been Avengers–but the Norse pantheon was always on top at Mighty Marvel. Stan Lee said that it was his idea to feature the Asgardians; Jack Kirby said the exact same thing. However the origin, Odin and his kingdom have always dominated the Marvel Universe.
The Eddas were written to be plundered by comic book hacks, seemingly: there are bands of brave warriors, and lands of the dead, and evil wolfs. In addition, there was a large man with a giant hammer who occasionally turned into a frog. The large man had a weaselly brother, who was secretly a snowmonster. This is comic book gold, Enthusiasts.
At first, Thor was a much more typical superhero: he had an alter-ego, Dr. Donald Blake. Allfather Odin, you see, had grown tired of Thor’s arrogance. (Tamed down for the comics: in the Eddas, the God of Thunder was a bully who only took a break from raping humans to murder dwarfs; Marvel Thor was just kind of a blustery douche.) So he trapped Thor within the body of Dr. Donald Blake, but he could tap his walking stick against the ground to summon the Mighty Thor, which isn’t much of a punishment, really. It’s like being grounded, but only when you’re sleeping.
Eventually, the Blake conceit was dropped in favor of letting Thor be Thor and making Asgard great again. Over the years, Thor has been: a lady, a guy named Eric, the aforementioned frog, an alien horsemonster, and a specific frequency of violet.
In 2011, a motion picture was produced featuring the characters from the Thor comic books; it starred a slab of cock-steak named Chris and Kat Dennings. The film also introduced Tom Hiddleston’s ambiguous sexuality as Loki and was, for some reason, directed by Kenneth Branagh. (Sir Kenny is one of any number of actors in the MCU who are–officially and objectively–Too Good For This Shit. Glenn Close comes to mind.)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) More like Captain Colonialism, amiright? Who’s the REAL Nazi here?
MARVEL’S THE AVENGERS (2012) The Tesseract. It’s a box. It’s magical bullshit: a macguffin that produces zero-point energy. But it looks like a box. Small box. Wouldn’t be of any use when moving house. You could keep jewelry in it, maybe. That’s the size of the box, and it glows. Thanos–you remember Thanos; he’s got a purple dick–wants the box, so he sends Loki to chew on the scenery and wear elaborate headpieces at the problem.
“Loki, you will fetch for me the Tesseract.”
“Yes, great one. I will use my stealthy magicks.”
“Oh, no, no. Frontal assault right up Fifth Avenue.”
“Let’s send a whole army of dickfaced goblins in the middle of the day.”
“I could…I could just yoink it. All of my powers are based around trickery. Lemme steal the thing.”
“Nope! Dragons up Broadway!”
Which was good thinking on Thanos’ part, if only on a dramatic level. Loki PWOPPING into existence from a Dark Dimension, slipping the Tesseract into his coat, and PWOPPING back into nothingness is not enough material for a two-hour action movie.
Anyhow, the Tesseract was really an Infinity Stone. Ain’t that always the way?
IRON MAN 3 (2013) The Avengers also introduced Hawkeye, who had a bow and arrow the first time we met him, and still has a bow and arrow despite, you know, knowing Tony Stark. Me? I ask my buddy Tony to build me a suit, but Clint is sticking with the good ol’ compound bow.
THOR 2: THE DARK WORLD (2013) Among the many challenges of translating the Thor comics onto the screen was the Asgardians’ habit of speaking in dog Elizabethan. It’s kind of Shakespeare, but not really; it’s shaky Shakespeare. There’s a lotta “thy” and “thine” and “Doth mine eyes betray me?” On any given day in Asgard, you have a 50% chance of being called a varlet or a cur.
This is tricky to portray in live action. The first two Thor pictures did it too much, but Ragnarok just let everyone be posh and British, and that was better.
Fun fact: This is the only Marvel film I’ve never seen all the way through, and that is because it is lousy. You got some evil elfs or dwarfs or whoever, and they want something called the Aether, which I always misheard as “ether” and thought they wanted to have a gas party. They didn’t, though. That might have been entertaining.
Fucked-up fact: once again, Thor chooses Natalie Portman over Kat Dennings, and that’s why we can’t have nice things. It wouldn’t even work, physically: Thor would break Natalie Portman. He would split that shit in two. Natalie Portman couldn’t handle the hammer. Kat Dennings, though? She’s got the base. She’s got the sturdy base, and–far more importantly–she’s got the mindset. The woman wants to win. Can’t teach that.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014) Cap’s dick must have grown, too, right? When Dr. Erskine and Howard Stark gave him Super-Soldier Serum, he got a foot taller and a hundred pounds muscle-ier. One would assume his shwanz kept up with the rest of him, so it’s weird that he didn’t spend the majority of his first film playing with his new super-dong. That’s what I would have done, honestly.
This film introduces Sam Wilson, also known as the Falcon, who–along with Hawkeye–stretches the definition of the word “superhero” until it loses all meaning. He’s got a magic backpack. And goggle, I guess, but it’s mostly the backpack. Wings come out of it, thus enabling him to fly. While aloft, Sam shoots people and aliens and spacedogs with uzis.
We can draw two conclusions.
ONE: If you steal the magic backpack, you get to be an Avenger. Those are the rules; I didn’t make ’em up.
TWO: Yet again, we see Tony Stark’s reckless disregard for his teammates’ safety. How tough is Everybody who doesn’t have superpowers gets a suit? Just give ’em your hand-me-downs, Tony. Because one guy’s got a bow and arrow, and the other has flappy wings, and neither of those is going to help when Galactus comes calling in a few years.
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2014) Pardon my authenticity, but I was into Rocket Raccoon before anyone. See this shit?
This shit was the shit, yo. I had this particular issue and read it to shreds; it was operatically dumb, and therefore thrilled me.
(One of the recurring motifs in the Hulk’s life has been getting zipzapped into other dimensions or galaxies. Sometimes it happens by magic, and other times Reed Richards and Tony Stark give him the ol’ B.A. Baracus treatment. Here, he had been exiled to someplace called Halfworld, which was inhabited by intelligent animals; adventures and punching ensued.)
Sleepy, So sleepy, and hungry, too.
Hit the sack, champ. Part two tomorrow.
Yay, a reason to live.