Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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Update On Disney Properties In These Uncertain Times

Hello to all the Disney fans out there, especially lovers of the Happiest Place in Florida, Disney World! As you may have read on one of the unlicensed Disney news sites that our lawyers are in the process of shutting down, we will be entering into a phased opening of Disney World, EPCOT, Animal Kingdom, and any other amusement facilities we may or may not own. A water park maybe? I think we’ve got a water park, but that’s not coming back right now. Jesus, a water park? I’d rather go to a bum orgy than a water park right now.

The World’s Finest Theme Park will look slightly different than the last time you saw it. First off: All the Goofys are dead. There’s no way to sugarcoat that. The costume was irredeemably infected by the coronavirus, and the sucker’s just lethal. We got Pluto, we got Donald, but you should break it to your kids that Goofy will not be making the rounds. Continuing in that vein, Space Mountain has been declared a Hot Zone. Stay well back, or at least shield your genitals with aluminum foil.

We will be requiring that all our guests wear masks at all times. Outside masks will not be allowed on premises. We will be selling masks.  We do ask that you not berate, attack, assault, or conscript into slavery any of our cast members if they ask you wear a mask. We will remind you that Disney has the legal authority to execute you. (Go google “Reedy Creek Improvement District.)

The Monorail will be out of service until our Imagineers can wrest control back from the alligators. It’s Florida, so any vehicle left unguarded for more than a week will be occupied by gators. They’re getting smarter.

Preferred Compatriot passes are also available, which include a complimentary Mickeymask™ and a cast member who will harshly shove strangers out of your Personal Health Radius.

We have also dipped the Giant Turkey Legs in bleach, for your safety.

Disney looks forward to welcoming you, the easily-entertained numbskull, back to our parks. We won’t do it in person, of course, because there’s a fucking plague on, but you jackdicks have a good time giving us your money.

Signed,
Bob Iger

Films I Would Rather Watch Than Zack Snyder’s Justice League

  • Snuff film starring Tom Hanks as the snuffer or the snuffee.
  • Robocop with a guy who, every time Robocop comes on the screen, leans over and whispers, “That’s Robocop.”
  • The sequel to 1970’s Joe: Joe Rogan.
  • Two hours of seizure-inducing strobe effects.
  • Steve Buscemi fingering his non-showered butthole in 4K.
  • Birds being eaten alive by really mean fish.
  • Balls! starring Paul Scheer’s head as the left ball.
  • Anything with James Cordon.
  • Ruby Rose and Gina Carano doing Shakespeare.
  • Surveillance footage of a 9/11-themed rape.
  • Bloodsport with Donald Trump who keeps fast-forwarding so he can watch the bloodsports.

501 In 10,000 That Come For The Show

Hey, Bobby. Nice jeans.

“They were sold to me as a lengthy short.”

Sure. Is this an ad?

“Yup. Been doing ’em for years. What people don’t realize about the Grateful Dead is: We were trying our hardest to sell out. It was just that no one was buying. We all used to go on commercial auditions in between tours.”

Really?

“Oh, yeah. Billy was almost in that Prince Spaghetti ad. But, uh, he would improvise lines about Italian-Americans.”

Sounds right.

“I’ll tell ya: If you get the chance to endorse a dungaree concern, take it. They send you a lifetime supply of trousers and a giant check.”

How many jeans is a lifetime supply?

“Three pair.”

Levi’s makes a sturdy product.

“Y’can’t kill the 501. They’re very slightly bulletproof.”

What does that mean?

“In real terms, nothing. But with a high-speed camera, you can see a marked loss of velocity.”

Okay. Did Levi’s send you all those clothes?

“Not the toppermost.”

Obviously.

“There was a crisp hundo in the shirt pocket. Very classy touch from the Levi’s folks.”

That’s thoughtful. Where are you, anyway?

“The cloud forests of Nach-En-Ki.”

Care to explain that?

“Nah.”

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