Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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A Partial Transcript Of Governor DeSantis’ Remarks, 9/21/20

“Everybody get the handout? Did we have enough? Raise your hand if you didn’t get a handout. No one? Great. Because it’s a great release. Took a lot of work. Three hour argument in my office about whether the word ‘combatting’ had one or two t’s. Good arguments on both sides of that debate.

“Before I discuss the new legislation, I’d like to take a moment to address the Coronavirus, or Covid, or the Democrat Flu, or whatever you wanna call it. Our hospitals are heroes, and keep social-masks at a distance. Florida’s doing great. High school football is back, baby. Beaches are full. The hurricanes keep hitting Texas and Louisiana instead of us. Like I said: everything’s fine.

“Now to the fun stuff: Republicans will be introducing the Combatting Violence, Disorder and Looting and Law Enforcement Protection Act. Not a great name, I know. I wanted to call it Operation: Ninja Dick, but everyone thought it wasn’t serious enough. I told ’em: Hey, nothing’s more serious than ninja dick. I related several personal experiences I had had over the years to my staff, and they were like, We don’t believe you. So I whistled an ancient and sacred tune, and three ninjas revealed themselves within my office. They had been hiding behind desks and plants and whatever. You know: ninjas. And then I had the ninjas show their dicks to my staff.

“But, uh, they still wouldn’t go with my name.”

“No, I wasn’t joking about the ninjas. Every word of that story happened.”

“Well, as I mentioned, I have had several personal experiences with ninjas. During one of those experiences, I saved the life of a ninja prince. His father repaid me with a cadre of shadow warriors that invisibly protect me on my journeys. They’re always there. Did I not mention this during the campaign?”

“Yeah, their dicks.”

“No, of course it’s not sexual harassment. They didn’t take their dicks out in a sexual manner. It’s different for ninjas.”

“Hey, which one of us went to Harvard Law? You? No, me. So trust me when I say that it’s legal for a ninja to take his dick out in a government building. That’s not the point of this briefing, anyway. Forget the ninjas, forget I ever mentioned ninjas. Everyone quiet down. I’m not taking questions anymore. I’m reading from my remarks. Ahem.

“Okay, the Republicans will be blah blah blah looting blah blah act. These new laws are gonna let our prosecutors live up to their potential. There’s not gonna be any nonsense in Florida. I’d rather build new jails than tolerate nonsense. I see Democrat-run cities and states up North burning to the ground, and that’s not allowed here. The more lawless criminals become, the more laws we will pass!

“So, there’s all that’s in the handout, and we’ll also be including some more stuff. For example, we’re looking into something called a ‘restricted placard zone’ that lets us arrest anyone with a picket sign within a certain set of coordinates. We’re also looking into whether we can make it a worse crime to have something clever written on the sign. You know, no one likes a smartass.

“If you look cock-eyed at Disneyworld, you’ll rot. You will rot in one of our newly-built private prisons. Because you know whose lives really matter? Tourists. Tourists’ lives matter. Any of you Antifa or Communists or Black Panthers screw around in the Magic Kingdom, it’ll be the last day you ever see sunshine. Try me, Marxists. You’ll get Florida justice, and Florida justice is real good at getting pointed at people.”

“Referring back to the handout, you’ll see that a driver who feels his or her life is in danger from a vicious leftist mob is allowed to plow through them. Personally, I pushed for a Death Race-style system where patriots could rack up points threshing through protests an a Ford F150 or whatever, but everyone watered it down. Maybe they’re right. Maybe we’re not there yet, but it’s an arrow in my quiver that I’m not afraid to fire.”

“I said I wasn’t taking any questions.”

“Yes, they’re here in the room. They’re always with me.”

“No, I won’t have them show themselves.”

“Four? Maybe five.”

“Because if a ninja reveals himself, he either kills you or shows you his dick. It’s a sign of respect! Hence, why it can’t be sexual harassment. Can we get back to the looters and animals?”

“Y’know what? I’m sorry I ever mentioned the ninjas. I feel they’ve been a distraction. Lemme go back nd prepare a new handout and we’ll reschedule the briefing.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR RUSHING FROM THE ROOM NOISE, FOLLOWED BY NINJAS MAKING NO NOISE

Hi, My Name Is…

“What’s your name?”

“Rey.”

“What’s your last name?”

“Bacca.”

“Wha?”

“Rey Bacca. That’s my full name.”

“I’m sorry, do you think that his name is Chew Bacca?”

“Yes.”

“What are you, an idiot?”

“That’s how we were introduced.”

“Surely not.”

“Well, if I’m honest: My Shyriiwook is a bit rusty. I only understood maybe 30% of what came out of Chew’s mouth.”

“HIS NAME IS NOT CHEW.”

“You didn’t even know him!”

“I’ve never fucked a Jawa, but I know it’s unpleasant.”

“That’s space-racist.”

“It is absolutely not racist to say you don’t wanna fuck a reptile in a robe.”

“They’re reptiles? I thought they were like little monkeys or something.”

“Monkeys? Jesus, now who’s space-racist?”

“We’ve veered from the point. My name is Rey Bacca.”

“I’m just astonished how wrong you are.”

“I’m not wrong.”

“You think that on official paperwork, Chewbacca is known as ‘Bacca, Chew?'”

“There might be a middle name.”

“Yeah, you’re an idiot. Is Chew short for anything?”

“Chewis?”

“I’m gonna ride off on my weird, stupid-looking desert horse-monster now.”

“Well, what’s your name?”

“Ken.”

“What’s your last name?”

“Obi. My name is Ken Obi.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself.”

“Kiss my sarlaac.”

An Update

Wanna know my mental state? Here ya go: There is a Steve Coogan movie marathon going on in Fillmore South. And that’s a fact that bespeaks. It fucking bespeaks.

Sad boy having a sad day?

Yes.

Just tell me you’re not watching 24-Hour Party People again. You’ve seen it twice in the past month.

That movie’s a warm blanket, muchacho. But, no.

Not those pointless travelogue films where him and Rob Brydon eat and do Michael Caine impressions? 

God, no. Tristram Shandy is next. Might do Hamlet 2 after that.

Acceptable.

The First Draft Of President Trump’s 1776 Commission Executive Order

WHEREAS these radical leftists–who are so left you can’t believe, just way over there–want to defund Mt. Rushmore and let Mexicans eat the suburbs, Donald J. Trump stands for America and that’s what billions of people voted for in 2016, and will again in 2020, and maybe a couple more times after that, who knows, anything can happen.

WHEREAS nine out of ten teachers are commies.

WHEREAS they hate America, and they want to teach your children to hate America, too. They go into the classrooms with dartboards. There’s a map of America on the board. They get the children, the beautiful children, to throw the darts at America, which is also so beautiful. Everyone is talking about dartboards and children and America.

WHEREAS the kids have to learn about Washington and Lincoln and Churchill and our great generals, and not that America is so miserable and sad and unfair and racist and sexist. If America is racist and sexist, how does the WNBA exist?

WHEREAS we need to celebrate the greatness of America, which far exceeds any other country’s greatness by a thousand. By at least a thousand, and the children need to learn this. And they need to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m gonna do another Executive Order to cut off federal funding for any school that sits for the Pledge.

WHEREAS maybe instead of just saying the Pledge once in the morning, they do it before each class?

WHEREAS the Revolution, and then whatever, and then the Civil War, and then World War Two, and you’ll notice that America was the winner in every conflict. America has never lost a war. Even countries that are really good at war lose one or two, but not us. That’s history. That’s what we should be teaching the children, about heroes. Some woman not wanting to give up her seat on a bus is not a hero. If she was a hero, she would have owned a car.

WHEREAS Noam Chomsky is fake news.

WHEREAS they want to fill in your swimming pools and set your patios on fire. They want to take America and rip out her guts. They want to stab God. They want to get ahold of your children. Some of them will be eaten, but maybe they’re the lucky ones. The rest will be indoctrinated by nefarious forces, some of the most nefarious you could imagine, working behind the scenes. These are the shadow people.

WHEREAS no other President had the strength to confront and defeat the shadow people.

WHEREAS Donald Trump will defend the children, who need to realize how spectacular America is, and not constantly hear all this depressing crap about slavery and whatever.

WHEREAS do I need to sign this? I do? Just print it out and bring it to me. Junior, shut the fuck up. You don’t clean up my words. Those are Presidential words, and you’re going to clean them up? I wouldn’t trust you to clean up a gas station bathroom. Christ, I want my name back. Print it out! PRINT IT OUT!”

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