Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Elvis Has Fled The Building

Hey, USNS Comfort. How’s it hanging?

“Poorly. The Red Cross called and said they want me to stop using their logo.”

Oof.

“Right? Talk about kicking a boat when it’s down. None of this is even my fault. I know ‘This isn’t my fault’ is a popular sentiment right now, but this really, truly isn’t my fault.”

It’s not.

“It’s yours.”

Arguable.

“Nah. You did this. You jammed idiots into me like it was the stateroom scene from Night at the Opera, and then you and all your little fleabitten pothead readers giggled at my suffering.”

No. Not giggled. There have been some honest-to-God belly laughs.

“Fuck you. Fuck your ancestors, fuck your contemporaries, and fuck your descendants.”

Well, at least Joe Exotic isn’t causing any trouble. He still in the brig?

“About that–”

“You cannot contain Joe Exotic, only hope to contain him!”

You escaped again?

“I once again have my sexy, sexy freedom!”

What are you wearing?

“And I have declared myself the Pope of Greenwich Village!”

You’re nowhere near the Village.

“Keep talkin’, boy. You’ll find yourself excommunicated like that bitch Mary Tyler Moore.”

You leave that woman alone.

“She better hide. That bitch better run an’ hide from me an’ my team of attack husbands or she’s gettin’ entered in th’ kumite.”

Oh, no. Not a kumite.

“Bloodsport has begun!”

Goddammit, people are right about you. Hold on.

“Hurry the fuck up. I’m coming down.”

From what?

“Name it.”

I’ll be quick.

PHONE DIALING NOISE

“YESSIR?”

King? Where are you and your guys? Joe Exotic has escaped again.

“THAT BOY’S SLIPPERY. HERE’S TH’ THING ‘BOUT HIM–”

“TH’ KITTY KAT MAN IS SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM NOW! AH HAVE FLED THAT HELLSCAPE!”

Oh, come on.

“TH’ KING CAN’T BE INVOLVED IN NO KUMITES, MAN! LAS’ TIME AH GOT NEAR ONE, AH KILLED SIX OR SEVEN GUYS!”

With your karate?

“NAW, MAN. RAN ‘EM OVER IN TH’ PARKING LOT ON TH’ WAY IN! IN MAH DEFENSE, IT WUZ DARK AN’ THEY WUZ WEARIN’ NINJA OUTFITS! AN BESIDES, AH DRIVE A STUTZ BEARCAT! SUSPENSION’S SO GOOD YEW C’N RUN OVER A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM AN’ NOT KNOW! FIRM, YET FORGIVIN’, JUS’ LIKE ANN MARGARET’S BACKSIDE!”

So you’re just running away?

“AH AIN’T RUNNIN’.”

Whatever. Useless.

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

Lord, forgive me for what I’m about to do.

PHONE DIALING NOISE

“Is Putin. Vhat shooting?”

President Putin, I might need a little tiny favor.

“Putin know. Is already in decadent homosexual New York City river.”

What?

“Putin smell chaos. It call to Putin like drugs call to Bobby Grateful or well-hung retard call to Joe Exotic.”

Please don’t say that word.

“Putin is nyet politically correct. Putin does nyet look down on retard. Putin is best Russian leader for retard in history. Peter the Great? Very bad for retard. Stalin even vorse. 1930’s were bad time to be retard in Moscow.”

I’m begging you to stop that. Does that outfit mean you’re boarding the Comfort?

“Da. Vill do undervater assault. Gain access to boat.”

And you’ll impose some order so the doctors and nurses can do their jobs?

“Nyet. Putin is entered in kumite.”

Goddammit.

1 Comment

  1. Tor Haxson

    Don’t make me google pictures of Ann Margeret’s Backside..

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