Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

In Which Trios Are Compared To Help>Slip>Franklin’s, And Generally Found Wanting

Marx Brothers First of all: not a trio. There were either four or five Marx Brothers, depending on whether you count Gummo. (You shouldn’t count Gummo, but you can’t not count Zeppo.) Also, no rendition of H>S>F contained a blackface number, whereas Day At The Races not only has one, but it’s really fucking long.

Ritz Brothers I must be honest with you, Enthusiasts: I know that the Ritz Brothers existed, but that’s it. In fact, I don’t even know if they were a trio. Point: H>S>F.

Napoleon Ice Cream C’mon. Which song is the strawberry? Are you calling Slipknot! the strawberry? Cuz I’ll blacken your eye if you say that in my presence. Another win for the Dead.

The Tri-State Area Same situation as the Napoleon ice cream, but Connecticut is the strawberry.

Holy Trinity Here’s a puzzler. Both are intensely Christian in concept–H>S>F, secretly; the Trinity, overtly–and the Holy Ghost, much like Slipknot!, is spooky and tough to pin down. Both have inspired the kind of dancing in which white people wave their arms over their heads in a langorous fashion. Both are difficult to explain to non-initiates. (They’re three songs that always get played together except when they don’t vs. They’re three beings but they’re also one.) I gotta call this one a tie.

Rush H>S>F is a heady, heady jam. One cannot deny this truth. But H>S>F has made no charitable contributions to museums dedicated to the Negro Leagues, so I’m giving this one to Geddy and Neil and the other one.

Tanned, Rested, and Ready I’m sorry, but H>S>F doesn’t stand a chance here. Sure, a good version will set your choogly soul aglow, but a man who’s tanned, rested, and ready can conquer the world.

Three Blind Mice They’re mice. And they’re blind. You wanna compare them to H>S>F? What are you, some kind of chowderhead?

Don’t insult the readers.

FUCK THEM.

Stop it.

I won’t abide foolishness in my dojo.

Stop calling the site your dojo.

May I go back to the post, please?

Do you really think there’s any juice left in this berry?

Yeah, okay.

This wasn’t your best, champ.

No.

15 Comments

  1. Larry Rader

    If Tom Hagen (‘adoptivo’) is like a brother to Santino and Michael, then Zeppo and Gummo are akin to Fredo and Connie, neither of which can be left out, so Gummo should be counted. Another way to look at this is that women and Irishmen don’t matter, but perhaps Mr. FOTD left out a discussion of HSF vs. Sonny-Michael-Fredo.

  2. Tor Haxson

    Faith Hope and Charity are feeling pretty fucking neglected right now.

  3. Tor Haxson

    Earth Wind and fire just called and said, Oh sure you love us in September

  4. Tor Haxson

    Trios? What about Trio?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZviYmTMpBXE

    I am sorry I will stop now

    • Smoke

      Da, da, da. Uh-huh, uh-huh uh-huh.

  5. Ritchie Vanian

    It’s Neopolitan ice cream. It’s not Napolean ice cream.

    • Billyrae

      Amen.

      • Billyrae

        I’m pretty,pretty,pretty sure he new that.

  6. Luther Von Baconson

    BLT?

  7. Andrew Knopp

    Gym>Tan> Laundry?

  8. Cube

    My mom used to buy “Napolean” ice cream when it was on sale, presumably at about 33% off. My siblings, dad, and I would then consume the chocolate and vanilla essentially stripping it from the strawberry with a scalpel, leaving a solid wall of strawberry in the carton, which would then sit in the freezer for 6 months before getting thrown out. Another successful attempt by mom to save money.

    I guess that makes “Napolean” more like the Terrapin Suite.

    • Carlos

      That comedy drum roll ba dum dum, should follow this most excellent dude comment!

  9. Paul Hébert

    Crosby>Stills>Nash?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      Do they count as a band? I’d put them in a separate category with the Jackson 5.

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