Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

It Was The Least We Could Do

In response to the Black Lives Matters protests of the past weeks and months, the following changes have been made:

  • Pearl Jam’s Ten rereleased without the song Black.
  • The Woodrow Wilson School of Public Policy renamed the Mookie Wilson School of Public Policy.
  • Mel Gibson only permitted to star in one movie a year instead of “however many he wants.”
  • 7/11/69 deleted from the Archive. (Look it up yourself, but keep it to yourself, too.)
  • Chocolate Rain is now the National Anthem, but not Phish’s version.
  • Colin Kaepernick allowed to take any job he wants, even if he’s entirely unqualified for it, like deep-sea salvage work or kidney surgery.
  • “Black cat crossing your path” now lucky.
  • If you watch Gone With The Wind on HBO Max, you will now see a disclaimer explaining the context of the film’s creation, and also a laser beam will shoot from the screen about 45 minutes in, hit you in the forehead, and poach your frontal lobe.
  • “John Wayne Airport” renamed the “Wig-Wearing Bitch Who Didn’t Serve In WWII And Was Actually Named Marion Airport.”
  • All Cracker Barrels replaced with Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles.
  • Johnny Walker rejiggers their ranking system so that Black Label is now the good stuff instead of the second-worst swill.
  • Confederate Statue, an unfortunately named women from Topeka, thrown into a lake.

In response to the Black Lives Matters protests of the past weeks and months, the following changes have not been made:

  • Anything, like, important.

2 Comments

  1. That House

    The 12/4/65 venue has been officially renamed.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      I literally went “Oof” when I googled it.

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