Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Land Rover, Sea Ruler

“You’re a dick.”

What did I do now?

“All I wanted was to not be left out of the Murder Heist. You preyed upon my insecurity and sicced interdimensional–”

Trimensional.

“–sex pirates on me. They came to my ranch, man!”

Not good.

“Well, they didn’t ‘come’ to the ranch. They just appeared out of nowhere.”

Right. They have omniships.

“Gave ’em a hell of a strategic advantage.”

When done right, no defense.

“So I had to flee.”

It doesn’t look like you’re fleeing very hard.

“I had an idea for a song.”

About what?

“Chicks.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Really?”

Expand your material.

“What sells is what sells.”

Answer the phone.

“Is it the monsters?”

Maybe.

“You’re on with John. Please don’t be the aliens who ate Iron Maiden.”

“Eat Maiden? No eat Maiden. Love Maiden. Up irons.”

“Oh, thank God it’s you.”

“Hot Dog Dick finally warm up to Kim Jong-Un. Now is best friends.”

“No, it’s just that you’re better than the alternative. Which is fucked up.”

“Everything fucked up this year. No laws with Claws, broham.”

“Whatever. What do you want? And why are you in a boat?

“No in boat. On boat.”

“Same thing.”

“Kim Jong-Un’s English is no idiomatic. Preposition confuse.”

“Move past it. Why the boat?”

“Look your right.”

“Goddammit, this is not the time for your foolishness. Do not invade California right now.”

“Have letter from Dotard. He say it okay.”

“I assure you it’s not.”

“Is most beautiful letter! I send! You see!”

“Please don’t send it to me.”

“Follow on Twitter.”

“I’m not gonna follow you on Twitter.”

“My posts rule.”

“Not following you.”

“Father invent memes.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“What if I apologized?”

To me?

“Sure. Whoever. I’d like to be excused from this storyline, and I’ll debase myself to achieve that goal.”

Too late.

“What about cash?”

Cash might do it.

2 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    Some sort of absorbent pad under K? Looks like Benchmat™️

  2. Daniel Mahoney

    If that’s Johnnys 500,000 dollar Truck, he got ripped off

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