Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Nick Paumgarten Brings Other Tribal Members To Dead & Company

Read This First.

INUIT

“Snowy Joe, what do you think of Dead & Company?”

“Just Joe. Joseph Chigliak. White people Christianized us hundreds of years ago, and now we have Western naming conventions.”

“Have you ever been to David Remnick’s Passover Seder?”

“No.”

“Then I’m calling you Snowy Joe.”

“Whatever.”

“Again: what do you think?”

“I think it’s way too hot in here.”

“Would you like a popsicle?”

“Do they have any seal?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Go check. I’d like about a pound of spiced blubber and an RC Cola. Also, see if they can crank up the AC.”

UIGHUR

“Rouzi Yalkun, what do you think of Dead & Company?”

“Tempos are a bit sluggish.”

“That’s true. What about–”

CHI-COM DEATH SQUAD NOISE

“–Jeff Chimenti’s hair? Oh, shit.”

“Hide me!”

“Shit, shit, shit.”

UIGHUR BEING STUFFED INTO BILL WALTON’S PANTS NOISE

“You! Round-Eye! You see criminal Uighur?”

“Nope.”

NICK PAUMGARTEN WHISTLING CASUALLY NOISE

“Ah-choo!”

“Shit.”

“That come from giant man pants!”

CHI-COM DEATH SQUAD DRAGGING UIGHUR AWAY WHILE STOCKBROKERS MICRODOSE NOISE

“Shit.”

SHERPA

“Mr Norgay, what do you think of–”

“Hey! Get off the light stanchion!”

“Goddamn, he got up there quick.”

MOHAWK INDIAN

“Carl, what do you think of this?”

“At home, we often say that there is no such thing as white culture. But this makes me smile.”

“Home? You live on the reservation?”

“I live in Greenpoint.”

“Brooklyn?”

“Yeah. We don’t all live on reservations, man.”

“Oh.”

“You want me to put on some warpaint, dance around like a schmuck for your amusement?”

“No.”

“No?”

“A little.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Does this mean you don’t have any peyote?”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Picked up some edibles on the way, though.”

“Sweet.”

1 Comment

  1. I think Waltons knees might be why he does jazz hands. Maybe.

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