Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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A Partial Transcript Of The Impeachment Hearings, 11/13/19

HOUSE HEARING ROOM – MORNING

“Order, please. Come to order. This morning, the House of Representatives begins the public phase of its impeachment inquiries into President Donald Trump, which means everyone will be watching. Let us not sully this august chamber with our usual frattish theatrics and petty outbursts.”

“Chairman Schiff, I make a motion that you call all this off, then apologize to President Trump for being such a ballsack.”

“That’s the kind of crap I was talking about, Congressman Jordan. Stop it. And why aren’t you wearing a jacket?”

“Got too swole.”

“Whatever, just shut up. Impeachment is not undertaken lightly. This is only the fourth time in our nation’s history. Mostly with President Trump, it’s the first time. A lot of first times with this guy. First time a President ever got up at dawn and publicly argued with the teevee every single deathless day. First time a White House aide got caught palling around with Nazis and didn’t get fired immediately. Remember when he got in a fight with the National Weather Service about where the hurricane was gonna go and then redrew a map with a Sharpie to prove he was right? First time for that bullshit. But impeachment? Four times prior.

“As we have already heard in previous hearings, and what will be confirmed by today’s testimony, is that the President of the United States withheld military aid to Ukraine in exchange for assistance with his upcoming reelection campaign. His actions raised red flags with numerous diplomats, bureaucrats, and members of the Intelligence Community, and all of them took notes on everything. In a sane world, this is the slam-dunkiest impeachment you’ve ever seen, but apparently we live in Thunderdome now.

“Our witness today is the acting U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, Bill Taylor. Thank you for being here, ambassador.”

“America called and I answered, Chairman Schiff.”

“Ambassador, you’ve already testified about the scheduled phone call between President Trump and President Zelensky, but you say you have information about a second call that you also found distressing?”

“Yes. On July 26th of this year, I was notified of a call between the President and EU ambassador Sondland that I was alarmed by.”

“The content of the call alarmed you?”

“The content. The manner in which it was made. The cavalier attitude towards security. All of it. Just absolutely all of it.”

“Go on.”

“I became aware of the call because it took place at a restaurant in Kyiv. Ambassador Sondland had the President on speaker and the whole dining room was listening. A member of my staff happened to be having dinner two tables over.”

“That sounds like a breach in protocol.”

“Not a breach, no. More like an obliteration of the concept. You should understand the restaurant I’m talking about here. It’s the one in the Four Seasons where all the international businessmen and diplomats hang out. The place is lousy with spies. We believe the Russians found out about the call soon thereafter. They might have actually heard it in real-time.”

“Uh-huh. And what was the substance of the call?”

“It regarded the conditions that had been placed on the release of the aid. Specifically, the President wanted Ambassador Sondland to get Ukrainian President Zelensky to make ‘the most perfect speech that’s gonna be so beautiful and perfect’ and sentence Hunter Biden to death.”

“Pardon me?”

“Having the Ukrainians execute Hunter Biden was on and off the table throughout this ordeal. The idea was always floating around.”

“Wow. I will now yield the floor to my distinguished colleague, the ranking member. Congressman Nunes?”

“I demand you set yourself on fire!”

“No.”

“I demand I be allowed to hit the witness with a stick.”

“No.”

“SHAM! This is all a sham. I call these proceeding ‘Sam,’ because they are a sham. And they are wooly-bully. This whole fraud is a wooly-bully sham, and Jefferson sleeps uneasy tonight in the Memorial.”

“Jefferson isn’t buried in the Memorial, dummy.”

“LIAR! Jefferson is buried within all of our hearts!”

“Jesus.”

“Ambassador Taylor, I have many questions and I’m also gonna bellow incoherently at you a little.”

“I welcome them, Congressman Nunes.”

“In reference to this phone call you say you heard–”

“I didn’t say I heard it.”

“–did you really hear it?”

“No.”

“So you didn’t.”

“No, not personally.”

“Ipso facto. That’s your ipso facto right there. Democrats have been yelling about quid pro quo, but now we got an ipso facto. Everyone’s speaking Latin here. Ambassador Taylor, is it true that you once shoved a harmonica up a Chinese man’s ass, then made him fart out My Old Kentucky Home?”

“God, no.”

“Tell us the whistleblower’s name.”

“I don’t know it, Congressman.”

“Sir, why do you accuse the President of not caring about corruption in Ukraine? President Trump has led one of the cleanest and most transparent administrations in the history of this country, and he wants to spread that around the world.”

“That was not what was happening here. There are official channels through which nations can collaborate in fighting the scourge of corruption. None of what was happening was taking place anywhere near those official channels.”

“I hereby ask the Chairman to force the ambassador’s pants down and let me throw balogna at his ass.”

“Stop it.”

“Salami and various cheeses.”

“Nunes! Stop being crazy. I will now turn the proceedings over to–”

MENTALLY-STUNTED BALD TEXAN ENTERING THE CHAMBER NOISE

“IT’S LOUIE TIME!”

“Gohmert, get the hell out of here!”

“No, Congressman Jewish! I demand you stop this! It is bad! I have bombs!”

MORON THROWING HIS COAT OPEN TO REVEAL DEFLATED BALLOONS TAPED TO HIS CHEST NOISE

“Jesus, Gohmert. You all right?”

“I like Trump.”

“Okay. We’re gonna take five minutes and I’m gonna have a little chat with my colleagues across the aisle.”

GAVEL NOISE

 

Lee’s Tower

“Yo.”

I didn’t call for you, Precarious.

“You were gonna.”

Yeah. I was just stunned into silence. Dude, what the fuck?

“Be more specific.”

I cannot. The lack of aesthetics and basic safety requirements is all-pervasive. The stage looks like a Radio Shack, but not a good one; the Radio Shack in the bad mall, where the knife fights break out every so often. The bad mall wasn’t always the bad mall, but the economy and demographics and all that. Used to be a place that sold fancy popcorn. Flavored, seasoned, nice packaging. Now there’s nine stores that sell baseball caps. Time will do her marching, Precarious.

“You got a question?”

I asked it: What the fuck?

“Their choice of apparel and instrument is on them.”

Granted. Do you remember why Garcia was wearing his going-to-court jacket on stage?

“I do not.”

Did the road crew make fun of Bobby’s pink guitar?

“Obviously.”

Was there any thought whatsoever given towards purchasing a tie-dyed scrim to hide some of the more unattractive geegaws and wedged monitors?

“Obviously not.”

Why not?

“This way is easiest for us.”

A performance stage shouldn’t be set according to the laziness of the road crew.

“Not lazy. Efficient.”

What about the tower of speakers behind band?

“Yeah, maybe that was a little lazy. We probably should have set up the rigging.”

Wooden palettes and a forklift, right?

“How else would you do that?”

Holy shit, those cabinets at the top aren’t even strapped down, are they?

“I don’t recall anyone dying, so we must have done it right.”

That’s not how that works.

Walton & Hart: Sweatshirt Buddies

“I feel like I could have done some more yoinking.”

“Nothing else yoinkable, Mick. Be grateful for the sweatshirt. 100% cotton, but it’s been pre-shrunk. The pouch in front will bear your hands, or stash, or secrets. You could maybe keep a dream journal in there, I dunno, something positive and creative. And the hood, Mick! For thousands of years, only the wealthiest and most powerful men had hoods. You had to be a king, or French, or whatever to get a hood. Nowadays, sweatshirts just come with ’em. That’s progress. The gradual democratization of fashion is the secret history of the world.”

“Yeah, okay, but I wanna yoink some rum.”

“That’s not yoinking. That’s stealing.”

“No, no, no. The booze-yoink. That’s when I stand in a bar until someone recognizes me and pays for my drinks.”

“Mickey, we ate a lot of mushrooms. Don’t put rum on top of that.”

“Why not? It sounds delicious.”

“I agree. The scents would entice your nostrils into making love to your taste buds. Full-on face orgy.”

“Are we really early, or did the game end an hour ago?”

“We’re early, Mick.”

“Okay. I thought so, but I wanted your take on it.”

Thoughts On The Mandalorian

  • The Mandalorian is a teevee show about Star Wars.
  • The Man, Delorean would have been about cars.
  • But I digress.
  • Disney’s streaming service went online today, after a fashion, and their Big Honkin’ Content is The Mandalorian.
  • Netflix does Hollywood-budget movies, and Apple has that show about Steve Carrell honking Reese Witherspoon’s boobies on the Today show, and HBO had the show with the lady and her dragon.
  • Amazon’s originals all feature actors your dad likes fighting crime, except for that one about the comedienne from the 50’s that your mom likes.
  • Also, Amazon’s streaming service comes free with Amazon Prime, so I bet most people have it by accident.
  • Disney Plus offers The Mandalorian as its BHC, to advertise that all Lucasfilm IP is now available exclusively on its platform.
  • This is in addition to the Marvel Corporate Universe, the Muppets, and both entries in the Apple Dumpling Gang series.
  • The service is aimed youthward, and towards stunted adults.
  • Grown-ups should really subscribe to the Criterion Channel and watch Peter Greenaway films, but those type of flicks make my head hurt.
  • I enjoy watching costumed adventurers punch one another, and also cartoons.
  • Martin Scorsese would be appalled.
  • Werner Herzog would not be, but only because Disney has paid him a great deal of money to appear in The Mandalorian as “Werner Herzog (in space).”
  • There has been much mirth made at this casting, but I say it was inevitable once Forest Whitaker was in Rogue One.
  • Herzog follows Whitaker like summer follows spring.
  • Mark my words: Tom Waits is gonna be in one of these things real soon.
  • Anyway, it’s Lone Wolf and Cub feat. Boba Fett (in space).
  • The first episode does, though, pull a neat trick by making you think it’s gonna be Yojimbo (in space) up until the very last shots.
  • And Boba Fett is not Boba Fett.
  • Boba Fett was from Mandalore, and he wore the ancient magic armor of his people, who were all bounty hunters because whatever a character was in the movies, his whole race was in the Expanded Universe.
  • Remember the Bothans that died stealing the plans to the Death Star?
  • In the EU, the Bothan species was known glalaxy-wide for treachery and subterfuge.
  • Or the Gamorrean guards at Jabba’s palace?
  • The ones that looked like evil Inspector McGruffs?
  • Well, it turns out their entire culture is based around fighting and violence and shit, in the EU at least.
  • And I mention the Expanded Universe of Star Wars because that’s where all of this “Mandalorian” bullshit came from.
  • The first mention of any backstory for Boba Fett was in the comic book.
  • Y’know what else was in the comic book?

  • That’s a fucking rabbit.
  • Look how angry Tobacco the Space Monkey is that he has to team up with a fucking rabbit.
  • And look how sad the caped wolfman is.
  • No one is thrilled with this arrangement, Jaxxon.
  • (The rabbit’s name is Jaxxon, and I knew that without looking it up, and I am both proud and not of that.)
  • The word “Mandalorian” does not appear in the films; hell, Boba Fett didn’t even have a name until the second time he showed up.
  • Stand there and look cool.
  • Boba Fett was a design, not a character.
  • What character there was was that of rank bitchery.
  • First, he needs Darth Vader standing next to him in order to capture our beloved Star Warriors.
  • Which is cheating.
  • I could’ve done that.
  • Then, he is eaten by a carnivorous sand-rectum.
  • Bitch moves, the both of them.
  • It is in Bob’s blood.
  • Jango Fett was also a filthy little bitch.
  • Left his incriminating bullshit out on the table for random Jedis to see.
  • Bitch move.
  • Failed to murder a virtually-undefended woman.
  • The stink of bitch!
  • Gets his head lopped off IMMEDIATELY upon entering a fight?
  • F-E-T-T, that spells “bitch.”
  • But–as I mentioned–he looked cool.
  • He was like Space Fonzie.
  • And the books and comics sold better when he was on the cover, so he garnered elaborate backstories, side quests, and possible futures.
  • But this Mandalorian is not Boba, as he proved in the initial episode by not being completely incompetent.
  • At no point did our anti-hero get eaten by a giant butthole in the desert.
  • Which is not to say that the sarlaac incident was not alluded to.
  • More than 50% of the shots in The Mandalorian are recreations of, or references to, shots from the Original Trilogy.
  • Landspeeder skimming along.
  • Vaguely Arabic architecture.
  • Gonk droid.
  • It’s all connected, man.
  • And yet unlike the clumsy fan service of Rogue One and Solo, I did not hate these callbacks.
  • I didn’t hate any of it, actually.
  • Rogue One made me so angry I adopted a dachshund, let it bond with me, and then abandoned it on the side of the road.
  • One mustn’t let anger fester.
  • But The Mandalorian did not infuriate me, even when it got batshit insane at the end.
  • Spoilers.
  • Oh, God, the guy from Swingers has saved Star Wars.

Don’t Tell Anyone About This Song

Just listen, and then keep it to yourself. Don’t let the cool kids know; this song’s the kind of thing they love to discover.

Donations Now Being Accepted

I’ll do it, but not for free.

EDIT: I am altering the deal. Valued Commentator Occidental Poppy suggests that I also take donations to not write about the Prequels; this is an excellent idea and is now implemented.

DOUBLE EDIT: No, fuck it: I’m taking it several steps further. You are all now being held hostage. Thoughts on the Prequels is a threat. Pay me, or I’ll do it. I swear, man, I’ll do it.

Nick Paumgarten Brings Other Tribal Members To Dead & Company

Read This First.

INUIT

“Snowy Joe, what do you think of Dead & Company?”

“Just Joe. Joseph Chigliak. White people Christianized us hundreds of years ago, and now we have Western naming conventions.”

“Have you ever been to David Remnick’s Passover Seder?”

“No.”

“Then I’m calling you Snowy Joe.”

“Whatever.”

“Again: what do you think?”

“I think it’s way too hot in here.”

“Would you like a popsicle?”

“Do they have any seal?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Go check. I’d like about a pound of spiced blubber and an RC Cola. Also, see if they can crank up the AC.”

UIGHUR

“Rouzi Yalkun, what do you think of Dead & Company?”

“Tempos are a bit sluggish.”

“That’s true. What about–”

CHI-COM DEATH SQUAD NOISE

“–Jeff Chimenti’s hair? Oh, shit.”

“Hide me!”

“Shit, shit, shit.”

UIGHUR BEING STUFFED INTO BILL WALTON’S PANTS NOISE

“You! Round-Eye! You see criminal Uighur?”

“Nope.”

NICK PAUMGARTEN WHISTLING CASUALLY NOISE

“Ah-choo!”

“Shit.”

“That come from giant man pants!”

CHI-COM DEATH SQUAD DRAGGING UIGHUR AWAY WHILE STOCKBROKERS MICRODOSE NOISE

“Shit.”

SHERPA

“Mr Norgay, what do you think of–”

“Hey! Get off the light stanchion!”

“Goddamn, he got up there quick.”

MOHAWK INDIAN

“Carl, what do you think of this?”

“At home, we often say that there is no such thing as white culture. But this makes me smile.”

“Home? You live on the reservation?”

“I live in Greenpoint.”

“Brooklyn?”

“Yeah. We don’t all live on reservations, man.”

“Oh.”

“You want me to put on some warpaint, dance around like a schmuck for your amusement?”

“No.”

“No?”

“A little.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Does this mean you don’t have any peyote?”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Picked up some edibles on the way, though.”

“Sweet.”

Escape From Las Vegas

  • If I were a kid, I would have been ripshit about this hillbilly goofball preempting my Battlestar Galactica. 
  • And the show’s gonna be on at a weird time next week because of Roots?
  • What the fuck is Roots?
  • Is it about trees?
  • Fuck trees, I want Battlestar Galactica.
  • John Carpenter directed this bullshit.
  • Yes, that John Carpenter.
  • He didn’t do the score for this flick, though, which was the right decision.
  • Movie’s about Elvis, so it should have Elvis music.
  • Not chilly synthwave.
  • Hold on!
  • I’m seeing information come across the news desk!
  • Enthusiasts, a splinter group of monks of Without Research calling themselves Maybe Let’s Just Do The Bare Minimum found this nugget on Wikipedia:

  • That guy can’t help himself.
  • John Carpenter carpents.
  • Everything is in this film, it seems.
  • Tupelo.
  • Army.
  • Priscilla.
  • Mama.
  • Elvis’ crook-dick, sheep-thievin’, silverware-stealin’, two-headed possum of an imbecile of a daddy–
  • Vernon.
  • –Vernon; it’s all in there, which is contrary to the current trend in biographical pictures.
  • Couple years ago, they made a film about Elvis meeting Nixon.
  • (There was also a movie about Frost meeting Nixon. The Frost/Nixon movie came out first, but Elvis met Nixon in real life first. These are vital facts I’m sharing with you, and it’s necessary that you know them.)
  • Can this film be sent to me in some fashion?
  • I seek to procure it.
  • Aid me in this.

I Gotta Go Over The Berlin Wall

There is something in a man that hates a wall.

Luke, I Am Your Father, And Your Uncle Mickey

“Luke, my son, you are the glory of my loins, and you give me proper praise, like Telemachus unto Odysseus. You honor me, boy. You honor me.”

“Uh-huh. How long you and Uncle Mickey been hanging out, Dad?”

“Since 1974. And also all day.”

“All day?”

“It’s Mushroom Monday, Lukey. We’ve been pounding boomers since dawn. We snacked on that shit!”

“Dad.”

“Chowed down like it was Chinatown. Throwing that yunka back like popcorn.”

“Dad.”

“I go hard on Tour, Lukey.”

“I gotta go coach my team.”

“You make me proud to be an American. I mean, many things do that, but you’re one of them.”

“Is Uncle Mickey okay?”

“He will be!”

“See you after the game, Dad.”

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