“Howdy, Sport. New in town?”
“How’d you know?”
“I watched you get off that bus.”
BUS PULLING AWAY NOISE
“Oh, sure. You’re a deducer.”
“I sure am. Lemme give you some advice, Sport: when you hear the flapping, run for cover.”
“Like a bird?”
“But moreso. Way, way moreso.”
“A big bird?”
NUTTHATCH WITH WINGS A MILE LONG HOVING OVERHEAD NOISE
“Oh, God, what the fuck is that?”
“It’s a Long-Winged Nuthatch. Mile-long, precisely.”
“How can it exist?”
“We had some of our best scientists trying to figure that out.”
“Eaten by the nuthatch. It actually scooped up the entire building they were in.”
“Keep it down, Sport. That thing’s got ears the size of diners.”
“It’s like a dragon with feathers.”
“No, it isn’t. Dragons are a fraction of that size. It’s just high up right now so you can’t see how big it is. Wait ’til it swoops.”
“Will it definitely swoop?”
“Oh, yeah. Death, taxes, and the nuthatch swooping into town and gobbling up a few folks. At least a few. Last Tuesday, it ate the entire varsity basketball team.”
“Eh. They were 1-5.”
“Why don’t you do something?”
“We did. We promoted the JV squad.”
“No, I meant about the bird.”
“What can we do? We tried shooting it, but we just couldn’t find a big enough gun. Say, you don’t happen to have a Hellfire missile on you?”
“Never hurts to ask.”
DEAFENING NOISE NOISE
“Oh, God, what is that?”
“It’s singing! Y’gotta remember: its vocal cords are two city blocks long. Generates a lot of decibels. One time, it was perched on the ground and it chirped. The pressure from the sound wave made some babies explode.”
“Yeah, that was fucked up. Y’get used to a lot of things, but not that. I can’t eat calzones anymore.”
“I know. I loved calzones.”
“No, I meant the babies.”
“Listen, no offense, but I’m gonna get going.”
TITANIC HORROR-BIRD EATING A BUS NOISE
“Were you planning on taking the bus?”
Rockyroll still lives on, yeah.
Hey, Mr. Vice-President. Whatcha doing?
“Retail politics, Salami-face. Putting in my two cents and not taking any wooden nickels. Later on, I’m gonna go down to the Tam-O-Shanter and get blitzed.”
I thought you didn’t drink.
“I don’t. They got a jar full of pickled eggs’ll set you reeling. Health Department keeps raiding the place, but I’ve been getting loose off those eggs for three decades now. Health Department can’t tell Joey B. where to eat.”
Uh-huh. Polls look good.
“Always. Brave men and women. First the Nazis, then the Commies. Tough row to hoe.”
Not the Poles. The polls. Where they call randos and ask ’em who they’re voting for.
“Oh, yeah. Those are coming around. Looking finer than Carolina. Big happy yay.”
SEMI-BELOVED POLITICIAN PULLING A CELL PHONE FROM HIS POCKET NOISE
“You ever see one of these? It’s a phone! But it goes in your pocket! Here, make a call. It’s not a trick.”
“There’s also something called ‘texting.’ Or ‘sexting.’ One of those. I don’t understand all of it, but my grandkids tell me it’s great.”
Dammit. Hey, Lillian Monster.
“I DEMAND ALL ABSENTEE BALLOTS BE PRINTED ON SUSTAINABLY-HARVESTED LEAVES!”
I have a bad feeling about this.
Always. Sometimes, he writes about boys, and sometimes he writes about girls, and this time he wrote about a governor. Always read Paumgarten.
I’m still fucked up over Eddie.
White people with acoustic guitars are the devil’s advance guard; we knew this 30 years ago, and yet Ed Sheeran still exists. What the fuck, Humanity?