Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Requirements For A Movie Set In Rome

  • Food is eaten by suspending it above one’s face, and lowering it sensually into one’s mouth.
  • Togas worn despite social status, time of day, or whether it’s really sweaty or not.
  • One big outdoor scene; everything else takes place indoors.
  • Boots from the Second Century BC, swords from 150 AD, playing cards from wait there were no fucking playing cards for around 1700 years.
  • Slavery, but not the depressing, racist kind.
  • Characters named:
    • Gaius.
    • Drusilla.
    • Gracchus. (Rich character only.)
    • Chicken Piccata. (Delicious character only.)
  • All men, despite the year, are clean-shaven and have George Clooney’s haircut from the first couple seasons of ER.
  • Rich characters speak like Benedict Cumberbatch; poor ones, like a curry takeaway with an ASBO.
  • Braziers fucking everywhere, man.
  • Julius Caesar known as “The Conqueror of Gaul,” and not “The Guy Who Genocided Well Over A Million Proto-Frenchmen.”
  • If you ask for Choccy Milk, no one will have any fucking idea what you’re talking about.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    Quincy wants his Eagles

  2. Spyguy

    I haven’t even read this yet. Just seeing another post from you fills me with joy. Thank you

  3. JES

    Some dudes getting crucified in the background as the main characters walk by?
    Good guys plotting and scheming in the catacombs?
    All merchants played by Jewish actors with Nassau County accents?
    Grand performance piece with slaves noodle dancing in the agora to a killer “Auxilium In Via > Praetermisissent Nodum > Turrim Pertinet Ad Franklin” sequence?

    (I am glad you are feeling up to posting again!! You’ve been dearly missed, as I know you know!!)

  4. Dawn Judd

    there you are! i’m so glad. and feeling well enough to give us a great post. thank the gods!

  5. Dawn Judd

    what did you watch?

  6. La Honda Harry

    Posting while starving again, I see: when all you have is an appetite, everything looks like a takeaway… (good work on the appetite!)

  7. Tor Haxson

    Someone dig Dante up from his tomb, ToTD has describe a level of hell that needs documented..

    “If you ask for Choccy Milk, no one will have any fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

  8. FormerlyNoThoughts

    Glad you have Requirements.

  9. Mean, Green Devil Eating Machine

    That would be ” Hail, Caesar! A Tale of the Christ” starring Baird Whitlock, as portrayed by George Clooney in “Hail, Caesar!”.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      The first time I saw that film, I hated it. Now I love it.

  10. MJK

    Good to see TOtD back and in fine form, but I digress.

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