Oh, Andy Cohen from teevee’s Bravo.
I see. You bought a life-size garden gnome.
“Him? No, this is–”
In a Chinese restaurant in Boulder, there’s a naked waiter.
“Oh, yeah, his outfit. His name is–”
Does he or does he not speak exclusively in riddles?
“You don’t care.”
I don’t. I know he’s John’s friend, and that’s all I need to know. You really kitted yourself out, buddy.
“Flying the colors, brother! Dead show! Colorado! What could be wrong?”
Everything’s on fire, Andy.
“I meant here. Right where I am. Where the incredibly rich man is standing in the sunshine. It’s pretty sweet here.”
Andrew Joseph Cohen, as a gay Jew you have a moral responsibility to be panicked.
“Incredibly rich gay Jew.”
Nah. Gay and Jew beat rich. When they start coming for us? The millionaires will be mass graved with the paupers.
“Not if I’m not here.”
“Can you keep a secret?”
“Yup. Been putting the exit strategy in place since the morning after Election Day. Went down there, spent a ton of fucking money on lawyers, bought some land, opened a business. They make you pump a shitload of cash into their economy before they’ll even sit down with you. And then when the government officials do sit down with you, they do that haka thing at you first.”
Dude, I love the haka.
“So did I, but the novelty wears off real quick. I got haka’d three or four times a day. At that point, it’s just foreigners yelling at you.”
Sure. What kind of business did you open?
What do you know about tacos?
“I like eating them and not one single one of those hobbits knows how to make one. So I opened up my own place. Flew in some guys from Los Angeles and had ’em train up the cooks.”
You’re sparing no expense.
“I plan on spending the end of the world in comfort, and with tacos. That’s not cheap.”
I guess not.
“You two freakie-deakies clear out of the way! Jackie Gleason’s coming through! And the President’s with me.”
“There, uh, is the irreverent humor you have become so famous for, Jackie. One would expect the President to be mentioned first, but you turned it around. Thus, uh, creating humor. As I said, humor.”
“Sir, I’m gonna run ’em over.”
“I’ll pardon you if you do, Gleason.”
LEGENDARY ASSHOLES IN A GOLF CART ATTEMPTING TO RUN OVER HIPPIES NOISE
“To the moon, druggies!”
“Yes, good, Gleason. The cart will take more damage. Keep going.”
GOLF CART BEING PUT INTO REVERSE NOISE
“Ha! You got the little fucker coming and going, Gleason! Have you ever considered an ambassadorship?”
“I’ll go anywhere in the world as long as I can stay in Miami Beach.”
“Ha! My God, Gleason. I feel alive.”
“HEY! HEY, ASSHOLE! THE GUY IN CHARGE!”
Yes, Andy Cohen?
“What the fuck, man?”
Is it about your can of Bud Light?
“It’s not about–”
Because you’re on Shakedown Street in Colorado, Andy Cohen. I have to believe there were better beers available. And I am totally not one of those beer guys.
“It’s not about the beer, it’s about–”
Like, it would be hard not to accidentally buy a better beer than a Bud Light while on Shakedown Street in Colorado. How about a Coors Banquet!? Go old school!
“Can you just–”
It’s almost like the Bud Light is a statement. Are you making a statement, Andy Cohen?
“Why are Nixon and Jackie Gleason mowing down Deadheads in a golf cart!?”
Are they still doing that?
“Yes, they are.”
“Why is it happening and can you stop it?”
The first question would take hours to answer, so do you want me to answer the second question first?
I can’t overrule the President. And I wouldn’t want to: look how giddy he is.
“Hot damn, Gleason! This is better than executing that Jew couple. My blood is hot!”
“After this, sir, you and me are gonna get some broads.”
“No, no. Just souls. I am a mouth, Gleason. Feed me souls.”
“Ah, yes. I grow stronger.”
Yes, Andy Cohen?
“I hate you and I never want to be part of your little skitches again.”
I get that a lot.
“Then I’ll call a real man who will.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Look out, look out, the Andyman. Hey, buddy.”
“You really don’t have to say that every time I call.”
“It’s our thing.”
“We’ll discuss it later. Can you come out to the parking lot, please?”
“I’d be mobbed. Ooh, wait: I could put on a disguise. I went into the lot in a bear costume once for my teevee show, which a lot of people are saying deserves a critical reassessment. Could I cross-dress? Wait. If I cross-dress, will I get yelled at like Scarlett Johansson?”
“I suppose the entire range of ethnic costumes is out, too.”
“I could do Chewbacca. I actually have a Chewbacca costume with me. Visvim did them as part of their Fall 2016 line. It’s such an important piece. And, you know, it’s a Chewbacca costume. But it’s also a ‘Chewbacca costume.’ Y’know? Like, it’s a comment on itself. It’s a piece that asks questions, y’know? ‘What is fashion? How is fashion? When is fashion?’ That sort of thing.”
“Anyway: I have a Chewbacca costume.”
“JOHN, NIXON AND JACKIE GLEASON ARE RUNNING OVER DEADHEADS IN THE PARKING LOT!”
“Are you in danger!?”
“The motor’s getting gummed up, Mr, President. It’s all the guts.”
“We’ll commandeer an automobile. The killing isn’t over yet.”
GUITARIST SUPERHERO LANDING NOISE
“Gleason, it’s Bobby Darin. Murder him.”
GUITARIST PERFORMING SUPER-KARATE ON A DISGRACED PRESIDENT AND A LEGENDARY FUNNYMAN NOISE
“Sorry, boys, but we just cant have this in the Dead & Company parking lot. You’ll have to go.”
GUITARIST BLASTING A DISGRACED PRESIDENT AND A LEGENDARY FUNNYMAN INTO AN ADJACENT REALITY WITH, LET’S SAY, EYE-BEAMS NOISE
“You’re all welcome. I’m available for interviews. Oh, hey, Andy. You wanna do our special handshake?”
“NO! What the fuck was that?”
“It was a disgraced pres–”
“I know that! Why did it happen?”
“Why does anything happen? I’ve given up on that question in here, man.”
“So, uh, do you have superpowers now?”
“You can fly?”
“Can you do it again?”
GUITARIST TRYING AND FAILING TO FLY NOISE
“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to be able to. Arbitrarily granting and removing superpowers is what passes for comedy around here.”
“It’s not funny. It’s just lazy.”
“Could be that, too. Lot of ways to look at reality.”
“You’ve gone native in here, haven’t you?”
“I’ve been in the storylines a lot, and I’ve just grown to accept that I’m going to have adventures and death is temporary.”
“What about all the Deadheads Gleason and Nixon ran over?”
“Oh, no, they’re dead. Their families will mourn.”
“I don’t like being part of this world.”
“Your shirt looks nice.”