Tag: bill kreutzmann (Page 1 of 88)

“Hey! Thoughts on my Ass! How’s your crank?”

My crank’s good. I feel like you’re trying to tell me something.

“I don’t go for that understatement bullshit. I say what’s on my mind. Sometimes, I wear what’s on my mind. Depends on what shirt’s clean, I guess.”

Well, I think your ensemble makes a good point. We all gotta vote.

“Especially this time. You been reading the paper?”

Now and then.

“I try to avoid it. Don’t even get it delivered to the house anymore. But the other day, Justy told me that the paper is on the computer now. I knew it did the emails and porn, but I had no idea the paper was in there, too.”

Never ceasing are these wonders.

“Fuckin’ A! So I gave the old Chronicle a read, and found out two very important pieces of information.

Which were?

“Herb Caen doesn’t have a column any more.”

He died 20 years ago.

“Guess I learned three pieces of information today.”

What was the second thing?

“This Trump guy’s a real asshole.”

Yes.

“Does everybody know?”

Also yes, but some people aren’t upset by the fact.

“Never been so glad that I left America.”

Hawaii is a state, Billy.

“Only legally, and just temporarily. Our Queen will return to us.”

I hope so.

Hey, Billy.

“I have’t fucked the sheep.”

Jesus, I hope not.

“I have rented them out for sexual purposes. Regularly. The guy who’s coming by in an hour is here three or four times a week. Better than a stimulus check, I tell ya.”

Stop pimping out your livestock.

“Can’t make me! Besides, I’m sending some cash to Black Lives Matter. Or something similar, at least.”

Similar?

“It’s not the official organization, but the money goes to black people. Women, specifically.”

You’re just signing up to private porn sites, aren’t you?

“Man, you know me.”

Yeah.

“They take requests! I make ’em put spatulas up their butts.”

Why?

“How else are they gonna flip the pancakes?”

We’re done.

“Ass! Good to see you, but stay the fuck back.”

Glad to see you’re taking the rules seriously.

“Oh, sure. The protest is masks-only.”

The what now?

“I’m leading a group of patriots and rights enthusiasts called Reopen Kauai.”

Of course you are.

“We’re taking the mall tomorrow. We were gonna take a government building, but everyone wants Sbarro’s. And who can blame us? They do that thing where there’s a crust on top of the slice, too. That’s amazing. Everyone else was fistfucking cheese into the crust, right? Not Sbarro’s. They went the other way. They went double crust. I’m an American, and I don’t need permission to go to Sbarro’s.”

What the hell is wrong with you?

“I’m bored, Ass.”

There it is.

“I don’t wanna lead these dopey protests. I mean, I do want some fuckin’ Sbarro’s. But they’re doing delivery. The restrictions aren’t so bad.”

But?

“There’s zero opportunities for random skank. And I won’t live like that.”

So you organized a right-wing temper tantrum just to rub up against unbalanced, armed women?

“I take issue with your statement at several junctures.”

Sure.

“It’s only mostly right-wing. Lotta folks involved are just plain nuts. Now, you’d think that the skank pool would be mostly drawn from the crazies, but you’d be wrong. Skank on either side of the aisle, Ass. Old-fashioned bipartisanship.”

Are you all right?

“Soaked my mask in ether.”

Sounds right. Billy, call off this protest. No good can come from it.

“Gotta do it, Ass. Gotta protect the, uh, what’s it called, a bunch of guys wrote it but it’s not the Declaration of Independence.”

The Constitution?

“That! Gotta protect that.”

Stop it.

“Dude, there’s gonna be so many loony-tunes broads there. They’re gonna be wearing AK47’s and denim shorts. I’m gonna make ’em open carry my boner.”

Can’t you just watch Netflix like the rest of us?

“Dammit, Ass, I’m a man for skank! Have been for seven decades now, and if this is my last of those, it will be spent living the life I’ve always loved: hunting, trapping, and skinning skank.”

Can’t you just go on Tinder?

“I have been banned from the dating apps.”

All of them?

“They have a shared blacklist, apparently.”

Huh. Billy, please cancel this protest. People could get sick, and it’s just such a bad look for the nation.

“Nah. Wheels are in motion. Lotsa wheels, lotsa motion. Hey, what do you think about antagonizing the cops into hitting one of us?”

What do I think about it?

“Yeah. You think that would get the chicks hot?”

I can’t talk to you anymore.

“You got the boney maroney, Ass?”

Maybe.

“Walk a couple miles out of town and bury yourself alive.”

No.

“Save the world some work. You’re done for.”

I might not have it. And if I do, it might not be that bad.

“Nah. I can read your aura. You know what color it is?”

What color?

“Chinese malfeasance.”

Not a color.

“It’s yellowish.”

Racist.

“Everything’s racist to your generation. You better get over that, man. This plague’s gonna reshuffle the world via several rohowas.”

Racial holy wars?

“Just like Dio sang about.”

Dio did not sing about racial holy wars.

“Absolutely did. Just in secret. Those dragons in his lyrics were racist as shit.”

I don’t believe you.

“Me and Ronnie James used to hang in the 80’s. Went skank-shooting together. He liked tall chicks, so we used to drive down to LA and watch the UCLA women’s volleyball team practice. He’d jerk it sometimes. Great little guy.”

None of that is true.

“Irregardless, you stay at least nine miles away from me.”

I will respect your Personal Health Radius.

“If you die, I don’t want any of your stuff. Everything you have is crap.”

Thanks, Billy.

“Hey, I’m here for ya. Just go away.”

Sure.