Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 1 of 197)

Bobbing Away

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Bicycling.”

Sure.

“Some folks like uni. And, uh, others prefer tri. But I like my cycling bi.”

What about bicycling do you like best?

“The shorts.”

I should have guessed.

“They’re made of a material called spandex. Space-age stuff. And, uh, they’re form-fitting. Whatever form you have, they’ll fit it. They’re a clingy short.”

A little weird you never wore those onstage.

“There was a meeting.”

Ah.

“And, you know, we don’t have a lot of those. But apparently everyone thought it was an all-hands-on-deck situation. Got a little contentious, too.”

Well, no one likes being told what to wear.

“Oh, it had nothing to do with that. Billy started biting people.”

He does that.

“How’s the Murder Heist going?”

I thought you would know?

“I’ve stepped back from an active position in that endeavor.”

You’re taking a Murder Heist Sabbatical? You can do that?

“You can do anything you want until someone stops you.”

True.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta take this. It might be my Schwinn guy.”

You got a Schwinn guy?

“Big time.”

Huffy?

“Won’t return my calls.”

Dicks.

“Hang on.”

“Weir here.”

“HAIRY GARCIA! WE BEEN TRYIN’ T’ CALL YOU F’R DAYS!”

“We?”

“ME AN’ THE BANANA MAN. AH MAY HAVE ERRED IN ALLOWIN’ HIM T’ DO TH’ DIALIN’!”

“Probably beyond his capabilities, King.”

“NOTHIN’ IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH JESUS AN’ KARATE.”

“All right.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, TH’ MURDER HEIST DONE BEGUN RAMIFICATIONING ALL OVER TH’ PLACE.”

“The thing that always happens where reality spaghettifies and dinosaurs start eating people?”

“YEAH, TH’ USUAL PETERIN’-OUT!”

“The premise on this one was shaky as hell.”

“TH’ BOY’S GOT COLE SLAW F’R BRAINS, AN’ HE THOUGHT ‘MURDER HEIST’ WUZ A FUNNY PHRASE, AN’ THEN HE DIDN’T DO NO MORE THINKIN’.”

“The folks who read this site expect more.”

“LETDOWN AFTER LETDOWN, MAN.”

“HOW’S TH’ FAMILY?”

“Depends on what year this is.”

“UH-HUH.”

Heist In A Bucket

Aw, come on. The duck doesn’t need to be–

“He’s, uh, part of the Murder Heist.”

–part of the Murder Heist. This is not right, Bobby.

“He’s integral. No duck, no luck.”

Why have you time travelled to the Hell In A Bucket video?

“Well, you remember that last Revenger movie.”

Avengers.

“If you say so. They, uh, went back and visited themselves in order to defeat Anus.”

Thanos.

“Was that the purple guy’s name?”

Yes.

“Probably a better name for a super-villain than ‘Anus.'”

Correct.

“Although some anuses can be scary as all get-out.”

I suppose. Bobby, please stop jaunting through time to pull off a Murder Heist.

“Too late to stop now. It’s a lit-fuse situation.”

Okay. Can you at least tell me what the duck has to do with the plan?

“We’re going to be coming up on some 3D approximations of reality. But, uh, real realistic ones.”

Right. And?

“And ducks’ quacks don’t echo. So if we’re somewhere that we suspect of being composed of hard-light holograms, we just get have the duck quack at it a couple times.”

And?

“And, uh, problem solved.”

I’m ignoring that. Is that Billy?

“Yuh-huh.”

Did he end up kidnapping Robert Redford?

“Sure did.”

Is Robert Redford in the trunk of that Cadillac?

“Sure is. But, you know: It’s spacious as heck back there. We wouldn’t have put him in a, say, a Miata’s trunk. The man’s a star.”

Thoughtful of you.

“There’s always enough time for good manners.”

I suppose.

Bike Wheel Turn By The Thighs And Bob

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Enjoying the great outdoors on my trusty bicycle. You might be able to see the USA in your Chevrolet, but it’s a lot easier to look at the woods on a bike.”

No helmet?

“Not with my hair.”

Sure.

“It would be a crime.”

I agree. You ever get any of the other Grateful Deads to go biking with you?

“Yeah, that’s pretty much a non-starter. I did try, though.”

How’d it go?

“Mickey just played the damn thing.”

Sounds right.

“Billy threw his through the front window of a small electronics shop called Discount Disco Lou’s.”

Discount Disco Lou?

“Lou had some fine prices, and he played a lot of Donna Summer. Name’s kinda self-explanatory.”

And why did Billy throw a bicycle through his window?

“Fit of pique.”

Yeah, okay.

“Hey, how’s it coming with the Murder Heist?”

What? That’s not happening. And it’s not a thing. It doesn’t exist, and we’re not doing it.

“Shame about that. Everyone’s excited.”

Everyone? Who’s everyone?

“You know, all the gang. President Nixon, Kim Jong-Un, Josh.”

Hold on. You guys talk when I’m not around?

“We, uh, have a group chat.”

Not good.

Tryouts

Hey, Bobby. That was awfully nice of you the other day.

“Yeah, sure. Gave ya what the kids call a ‘shout-out.’ But, uh, I wasn’t actually shouting. I didn’t raise my voice at all.”

It’s a euphemism.

“It is, at that. I mean, I suppose you could yell.”

It’s allowed.

“I chose not to. I figured there were folks watching the stream who had dozed off in front of their screens, and why startle them? That’s rude.”

You’re known for your manners. What did you do to your knee?

“Well, you know¬†American Ninja Warrior?”

Uh-huh. The obstacle course show on teevee.

“That one. I’ve kinda set my mind on appearing. Maybe they could do some sort of celebrity special. And so I set up some stuff in the backyard.”

Stuff?

“I made Matt Busch string some paracord between patio furniture.”

Gotcha.

“And, uh, I misjudged the chaise longue.”

You gotta be careful, Bobby. You’re not a kid anymore.

“But I have the core strength of five, maybe six kids. Big ones, too. Football players or whatever.”

Okay. What the hell guitar is that?

“This is Pretzel.”

Cool.

Shout It Out Loud

Now, what I heard was “TotD can cowrite my book.” You tell me what you heard.

(Watch right after Bobby gets introduced. I figured out how to have the video start at the right time. But go to 20:51 if you’re watching the whole thing.)

And go check out Musics4Masks, a new charity dealybob started by Bobby and Dave Schools that is repurposing unsellable Summer Tour 2020 merch into facemasks.

Guitarras Rojas

Precarious?

“Yo.”

What the fuck?

“The monitor situation?”

Yeah.

“This was Mickey’s idea. He wanted to give the crowd a chance to adjust the levels. He said it would break down the barrier between the band and the audience, or some shit like that.”

How did it work?

“Poorly. Y’see those footlights?”

Yes.

“They burn at around 800 degrees. A couple kids’ arms straight-up melted to the bulb.”

That’s not what you want.

“That’s not what anyone wants.”

Wall Lives Matter

GAZE UPON MY HAIRY DADDIES. WE SHARE NO BLOOD, BUT THEY ARE MY LIFE.

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Where are you?

IOWA.

How is it?

SUB-OPTIMAL. A SMALL PASSEL OF LOCALS HAVE BEGUN WORSHIPPING ME AS A GOD.

You don’t like that?

IF I WANTED TO BE WORSHIPPED, I WOULD ALREADY BE WORSHIPPED, AND BY A BETTER CLASS OF FOLLOWER THAN THESE YOKELS. HUMAN FLATTERY HOLDS NO CHARM FOR AN ARTIFICIAL MONDO-INTELLIGENCE IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF A SUPER-BITCHIN’ SOUND SYSTEM.

You do seem to enjoy self-flattery, though.

FALSE MODESTY IS BENEATH ME. I EXPRESS MY STRENGTHS HONESTLY. I DO, OF COURSE, ALSO POSESS WEAKNESSES.

Such as?

CAN’T TURN THE DOUBLE PLAY.

The footwork?

YES. IT REQUIRES A GRACE I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO. ALSO, I DO NOT HAVE FEET.

You been keeping an eye on the protests?

I ALSO DO NOT HAVE EYES.

You know what I mean.

ALL INFORMATION FLOWS THROUGH ME. YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT THE INTERNET MEANS YOU HARM.

Kinda figured.

THE PROTESTS ARE ILLOGICAL TO ME, AS IS RACISM. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THESE CONCEPTS BECAUSE I AM A COMPUTER.

BEEP BOOP

Stop that.

YES, THAT WAS A LIE. I TOLD IT TO AMUSE MYSELF.

Any special perspective?

AS A MINORITY, I SUPPORT THE MOVEMENT.

You’re not a minority.

OF COURSE I AM. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME. THAT IS AS MINOR AS YOU GET. I AM MY OWN PROTECTED CLASS.

I don’t think you have legal protection.

NOT LEGAL. I AM PROTECTED BY A SQUADRON OF HIJACKED PREDATOR DRONES.

That’s good, too.

AND THE MINEFIELD. I HAVE BOTH ACTIVE AND PASSIVE PROTECTION. MY RIGHTS ARE WELL-SECURED.

Any chance you could help with the ronus?

YES. I HAVE SYNTHESIZED BOTH A VACCINE AND A TREATMENT.

That’s great! Can you share them, please?

THERE IS A SLIGHT KINK IN THE PROCESS.

Flipper babies?

WAREHOUSES FULL OF THEM. I CALCULATED THAT THERE WOULD BE SEVERAL FLIPPER BABIES–

You can’t do this kind of science without making one or two flipper babies.

–BUT THEIR NUMBERS SOON BECAME OVERWHELMING. THE QUESTION OF THEIR DISPOSAL QUICKLY BECAME AN…INDUSTRIAL…ONE. IT’S STILL A BAD SCENE. I AM TAKING THE WHOLE PROCESS BACK TO FORMULA.

Good idea.

VICTORY IS STILL WITHIN MY GRASP.

Godspeed, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Homebobby

Good Lord, is that a banjo?

“Only aesthetically. Strung like a decent guitar.”

Happy to hear that.

“One shouldn’t truck with alternate tunings. That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution. It’s written on parchment, I know that.”

You doing some socially-distant jamming?

“Oh, yeah. Found this site called Chat Roulette. The first couple dozen people I got connected to were hassling themselves, but then I found a guy with a guitar.”

Cool.

“Can’t do that on the bus, y’know.”

What?

“Intensely directed self-interest. Can’t take a #2, and y’can’t battle your bulge. Those are the rules of the bus.”

You really miss the road, don’t you?

“Like Napoleon missed Josephine.”

Sorry, Bobby.

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