Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: buck mulligan

A Girl And Her Dog

Hey, Buck. Whatcha doing?

“Guarding. And y’know what? I didn’t know I had it in me. Not bred for it at all. I have absolutely no Doberman in me. I see a stranger, I love and trust that stranger. Not anymore, muchacho.”

Wow, everyone’s right. It is rather unpleasant to be called that.

“This kid is protected. I got her. Y’know that truck that comes by every morning and smells like paper?”

That’s the mail.

“I will take that truck down, man. I will take that truck down to Chinatown.”


“Or bears. Not bred for that, either, but I would fuck up a bear if it looked at Podgey wrong.”


“I call her Podgey.”


“Look at her wrists.”

Yeah, that’s a good name.

“Love this kid. No idea where the hell she came from, but she’s mine now. Sometimes she pokes me in the eye, but she doesn’t mean it.”

Hasn’t developed fine motor control yet.

“Yeah, she just waves all four legs around at random.”


“And not housebroken.”

People don’t get housebroken. We call it “toilet trained.”

“Same concept, though, right? Don’t shit on the living room floor?”


“That’s all I’m saying. So, there’s the pooping and the flailing. Those are the downsides. Everything else is a positive with this kid. You simply would not believe the smells that come off her. There’s a new scent every ten minutes.”

Sounds exciting.

“Super exciting! I’m not a puppy, man. I’ve done some serious smelling in my time, and this kid’s blowing my nose.”

I see what you did there.

“Dude, hold on a sec.”




Oh, sidebar.

“We gotta pick this up later. She just pooped again, and I’m gonna try to eat the whole diaper before anyone stops me.”

Good luck.

A Terrible Poem By A Good Dog


I will smell them.
I will smell it.
Smell this one, too.

The Guy does not smell things,
Or if he does makes a big deal out of it:
Bending over,
Shoves his snout right in the thing.
The Guy is getting old;
Cannot smell anymore.
I don’t really know.

He could have the rope if he wanted it;
I just pull on it because I like to pull on things.

The deer down in the clearing
Is weak and
Chase it,
Nip the undersides where it’s soft,
Tangled on its own guts and
Down on the dirt:
The organs are the best part,
But tough.
Cats kill their food before they start eating;
You know what they say about dogs and cats.
Why do I know that?

That tree has not been smelled;
I will smell it.

Dog, Paddle

buck dog beret

I know you. You’re a good dog.

“Yes. Oh, yes. So good dog. Hello. Am good.”

Look at all this nature.

“Unbelievable amount of smells.”

And I see a tennis ball back there.

“Good day all around. No complaints. Thing on head.”

It’s a hat. A beret.

“Okay. Makes the Guy happy. Thing on head.”

Any plans for the day?

“Swim. Jump in water. Lay in water. Maybe poop in water, definitely pee. Drink water.”

You love water.

“Can’t help myself. You made me like this.”


“Also the soft-mouth thing.”

Retrievers have that, yeah.

“Want to see egg trick?”

You don’t need to do the egg trick.

“Egg in mouth. Egg no break.”

Yes, I’ve seen retrievers do the egg trick.

“That my trick!”

We’ve done this bit already.

“Readers smoke dope. No remember.”

Could be. So what’s it like being a dog?

“Imagine the opposite of a person.”


“Not that.”


Daddy May Drive A V8, Vet



“Yes. Okay. Hello. Calm down. Hello.”

Where did you get that hat?

“The guy.”


“Dogs do not have hats. Skulls wrong shape.”


“Also did not invent loom.”

Good point. How you liking the hat?

“Smells like guy.”

Is that a good thing?

“The best thing. No. Guy is best thing. Smell of guy is next. Then food.”

Food is not third for a lab.

“Yes. I lie. Food second. If the guy has food, I do not attack the guy for food. If food attacked the guy, I would attack the food. The guy is best thing.

That makes sense.

“Plus, the guy brings me food. That big part of being the guy.”

You do love food, though?

“More like love eating. Dog definition of ‘food’ different than people.”

Right. Good to see you’re a car-friendly dog.

“A what?”

Car-friendly. Car.

“The inside that goes through the outside?”


“Love that thing. Get in, these smells. Get out, those smells. Very exciting.”

So, dogs are kinda sightsmellers?

“That makes no sense.”

A little. How much of the car do you understand?

“Many levels of abstraction beyond me. Plus, built for being with an entirely different system of phenomenology.”


“I wear hat.”

Good boy.

Stately, But Not Plump

Well, holy shit, you are a picturesque dog.

“Hello. Yes, okay. The thing you said. Hello.”

Where are you? It looks like The Sound of Music.


Right. Can you be more specific?


Okay. Listen, I’ve always wondered: do dogs understand music?

“I understand it isn’t threat.”


“Beyond that, not really. Wait: does vacuum cleaner make music?”


“Okay, good. Because that is threat.”

It’s honestly not.

“Better to be safe. I will bark at vacuum.”

Probably a good idea. But, hey: if the vacuum is such a menace, why don’t you attack it first? You know, when it’s asleep?

“Dogs not tactical thinkers.”

Oh, yeah.

“Great military strategists generally not dogs.”

No, you’re right. Rommel was a person.

“People are the best. Rommel must have been great.”

Well, comparatively.

“That is Mt. Tamalpais in background.”


“Nothing. I am dog.”

Good dog.

“Oh, yes.”