“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I want you to know that I pray to Jesus, who is my favorite guy in the whole world, for your mortal souls. I hope He keeps and protects you, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Gosh, you folks just hate America. But, uh, I’m here tonight to introduce the greatest President that America’s ever had, Donald J. Trump. He is glorious and mighty, and his smile can cure phlebitis. Oh, the warmth of his close favor! When I first encountered it, I knew I’d do anything to remain within. We have touched, physically, on 14 separate occasions; a list is available from my press office.”
“C’mon, let’s go, no one wants to hear from you. Americans want to hear their favorite President.”
“Yes, sir. It is my honor, my pleasure, my sheer joy to introduce the 45th–”
“Soon to be 46th.”
“–President of the United States, the strong and bison-reminiscent Donald J. Trump.”
MILKSOP TRYING AND FAILING TO START A ROUND OF APPLAUSE NOISE
“All right, great, here I am which Sleepy Joe could not do, probably not in a million years. I mean that about Sleepy Joe. He’s in his basement. Maybe he’s fallen and can’t get up, I don’t know, people tell me he falls a lot. But I’m the President and so I’m in the White House talking about the China Virus, and the news is all good. Some of the best news you’ve ever heard, and even the fake news, who are monsters and I should maybe deport, won’t be able to twist it.
“We’re winning. My economy, which was so strong and powerful, is coming back. We’re doing the V-shape. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t make the shape V, but I knew that I could, and I like to win, and so we did the V-shape. Bing bong. Obama couldn’t do a V-shape. Best he could manage would be a U. But the bottom would be miles long. Miles-long bottom. Terrible U. Nowhere as good as my V.
“You go into Home Depot, and everyone’s shopping and buying–lightbulbs or wood or whatever, I don’t know–and you think ‘Man, President Trump did such a great job for America,’ and that’s true, but I’ve been treated so unfairly. I give the blacks jobs, and they burn down Wendy’s. I give the press ratings like no one’s ever seen, and they send antifa to Tucker Carlson’s house.
“We’re probably doing, I think, the best of all the countries in the world. A lot of them are reporting low death rates, but I know their real numbers. Three million people have died in Angela Merkel’s Germany, but they’re lying about it to make the U.S. look bad. Terrible woman, but the rest of the world is begging us for help. Begging! So I think we’re doing all right. There are some deaths, sure, but there’s always going to be some deaths. That’s part of life. Sad, but it’s part of life.
“We’ve done testing like you wouldn’t believe. We’re testing everywhere. You walk out your door, and there’s testing. It’s a really, really, really incredible thing that we’ve done with the testing. It’s not about how many tests you do, it’s about doing them right, and quite frankly we’re doing it so beautifully.
“America is protecting her wonderful, high-risk citizens. Diabetics, whatever. Seniors, our wonderful seniors who fought in our beautiful World Wars, they’re so great, but now they’re under attack from this filthy disease that China sent us. I will protect our beautiful old people, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know where he is.
“Okay, questions. Let’s do some good questions. You.”
“Mr. President, what is your current position on mask use?”
“My current position is the same position I’ve always has, which is that I’m for them when they work, but sometimes they don’t work, and you also have to worry about snot, mucus, whatever. That gets in the mask, and it’s disgusting. But I’ve always been for the masks, which can be wonderful, but sometimes they’re not.”
“Do you believe there should be a federal mandate about wearing them in public?”
“I get nervous. And you know I’m not a guy who gets nervous. Rosie O’Donnell gets nervous. Remember Rosie? I just destroyed her career years ago, which she deserved for being a fat pig and very nasty to me. We were in the papers constantly. Lotta fun. But I don’t get nervous, but when I hear the word ‘mandate,’ I get nervous. I trust in the American people to do the right thing, which is to wear a mask if it’s appropriate.”
“And when is it appropriate?”
“We’re gonna leave that up to the states, which are very capable, and there are 50 of them. Next question. You there.”
“Mr. President, do you have any comment on the recent arrest of Ghislane Maxwell, the reputed criminal conspirator of Jeffrey Epstein?”
“Good luck to her. She’s a Palm Beach gal, and we used to run into one another. Pictures don’t do her justice: She really kept her figure together. Good luck to her. Next question. Jim Acosta?”
“You are fake news.”
“You never get tired of that, do you?”
“The American people need to know.”
“Yes, sir. Mr. President, the death toll from Covid-19 rose to 144,000 today. Could anything have been done to reduce that number?”
“The Chinese could have not sent their disease here. Or maybe the Demoncrats–I call them the Demoncrats instead of the Democrats, and people really enjoy that–could have not distracted me with their criminal impeachment hoax, which Nancy Pelosi and Shifty Schiff should be in jail for 50 years over.”
“But is there anything you could have done differently?”
“I think I’ve done very well. I’d give me an A. Maybe an A+. I closed down travel to China, which was very bold, and then I shut it down to Europe. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t shut down travel to Europe, but I could and I did. Without those strong actions, we could be looking at five, maybe six million dead. I’ve done a pretty amazing job, if you think about it.”
“Uh-huh. Sir, have you made any condolence calls to the families of Covid victims?”
“I couldn’t hear you.”
“Have you made any–”
“Still nothing. Speak up.”
“HAVE YOU MADE ANY–”
“Just pull down your mask, Jim.”
JIM ACOSTA PULLING DOWN HIS MASK NOISE
“Corona protocol breach! Get him!”
FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS TACKLING JIM ACOSTA NOISE
“I forgot how much fun these were. Okay, maybe we’ll do another one tomorrow, great, wonderful.”