Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (Page 1 of 32)

The First Draft Of President Trump’s 1776 Commission Executive Order

WHEREAS these radical leftists–who are so left you can’t believe, just way over there–want to defund Mt. Rushmore and let Mexicans eat the suburbs, Donald J. Trump stands for America and that’s what billions of people voted for in 2016, and will again in 2020, and maybe a couple more times after that, who knows, anything can happen.

WHEREAS nine out of ten teachers are commies.

WHEREAS they hate America, and they want to teach your children to hate America, too. They go into the classrooms with dartboards. There’s a map of America on the board. They get the children, the beautiful children, to throw the darts at America, which is also so beautiful. Everyone is talking about dartboards and children and America.

WHEREAS the kids have to learn about Washington and Lincoln and Churchill and our great generals, and not that America is so miserable and sad and unfair and racist and sexist. If America is racist and sexist, how does the WNBA exist?

WHEREAS we need to celebrate the greatness of America, which far exceeds any other country’s greatness by a thousand. By at least a thousand, and the children need to learn this. And they need to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m gonna do another Executive Order to cut off federal funding for any school that sits for the Pledge.

WHEREAS maybe instead of just saying the Pledge once in the morning, they do it before each class?

WHEREAS the Revolution, and then whatever, and then the Civil War, and then World War Two, and you’ll notice that America was the winner in every conflict. America has never lost a war. Even countries that are really good at war lose one or two, but not us. That’s history. That’s what we should be teaching the children, about heroes. Some woman not wanting to give up her seat on a bus is not a hero. If she was a hero, she would have owned a car.

WHEREAS Noam Chomsky is fake news.

WHEREAS they want to fill in your swimming pools and set your patios on fire. They want to take America and rip out her guts. They want to stab God. They want to get ahold of your children. Some of them will be eaten, but maybe they’re the lucky ones. The rest will be indoctrinated by nefarious forces, some of the most nefarious you could imagine, working behind the scenes. These are the shadow people.

WHEREAS no other President had the strength to confront and defeat the shadow people.

WHEREAS Donald Trump will defend the children, who need to realize how spectacular America is, and not constantly hear all this depressing crap about slavery and whatever.

WHEREAS do I need to sign this? I do? Just print it out and bring it to me. Junior, shut the fuck up. You don’t clean up my words. Those are Presidential words, and you’re going to clean them up? I wouldn’t trust you to clean up a gas station bathroom. Christ, I want my name back. Print it out! PRINT IT OUT!”

Watergate Vs. All The Bullshit This Maniacal Shithead Has Pulled

Slapdicks and scrimpthoughts, Enthusiasts. Always recall this when dealing with the Pundit Class. They see a shiny object, and they fuck the shiny object. Today, that which glitters but is not gold is the comparison between Watergate and All The Bullshit This Maniacal Shithead Has Pulled. (Hereafter known as ATBTMSHP.) The analogy is, as one would expect, facile to the point of fallacious, and shoddily-constructed.

I prove my argument thusly:

IT’S EVERY FUCKING DAY WITH THIS GUY Watergate was just one crime. (Technically, it was several. Breaking & Entering and Wiretapping are separate offenses. What I’m saying is that all the individual felonies were parts of an overarching scheme.) Bunch of schmucks broke into an office. Whereas every day, Basketball Head commits at least four impeachable offenses.

THE CHEEKINESS Watergate was adorable, admit it. Idiots in black turtlenecks and ski caps crouch-sneaking into darkened offices. Security guards patrolling the halls with flashlights. Scotch tape on the latch to keep the door from locking. Cops are called, and it’s 1972 so the cops have mustaches and .38 service revolvers. I bet they said “Get your hands up!” Even better, this initial burst of criminality had ramifications of pure delight: meetings in shadowy parking lots; envelopes stuffed with hundos; dramatic revelations during televised hearings, code names. CODE NAMES!

Like I said: adorable.

But none of ATBTMSHP has been even cute. Where’s the panache in bribing the President of Ukraine for dirt on your political rivals? Funneling money to one’s own properties? Pedestrian, don’t you think? Common.

We don’t go to the moon anymore.

WATERGATE, NOT BOUNTYGATE Russkies didn’t pay for American scalps when Richard Fucking Nixon was in charge. There was respect, by God.

RED LIGHT BLUES This latest spate of “Is Nixon like Turnip” takes come because the Pundit Class saw “Bob Woodward + Tapes” and went ass-over-teakettle in a thousand uncontextual words. The tapes in consideration are not related, save by both featuring a sitting President. There is an chasmic difference between private recordings obtained using hidden microphones that the Supreme Court had to force Nixon to turn over, and Trump just ring-a-dinging Bobby Dubs in the middle of the night all hopped up on Fox News and Filet-O-Fish to confess crimes.

Say what you will about Richard Nixon, but the man never called up a reporter at the Washington Post and said, “I did it.”

THE KUSHNER FACTOR Nixon wouldn’t have stood for Prince Milkdick. Nixon would have had Haldeman and Ehrlichman kick him half-to-death in the Oval Office. “Keep the bleeding internal, boys,” Nixon would say. “He has to walk out of here.” They’d stomp his kidneys with the heels of their well-laced broughams. Good boys, H & E. Good listeners, and loyal.

SHAME AND ITS BENEFITS Nixon was smart enough to try covering up his crimes. That’s basic self-preservation. Whereas Trump, I remind you once again, called Bob Woodward 18 times for the sole purpose of admitting to shit.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Bob Woodward speaking.”

“Bob, it’s your favorite President. I’ve done crime.”

“I’ll be recording this.”

“Super. Record my crimes.”

And so on. That’s what the doofus did.

Actually, let’s have a thought experiment. Nixon was a savvy political operator, so he’d naturally know better than to call up a journalist and confess to impeachable offenses, but what about you? You’re no grizzled gladhander. You’re just some spaz. But what if–via some sort of topsy-turvydom–you were tomorrow morning to wake up in the Residence of the White House? What if you–dimbulb that you are–magically became the President?

You’d know better than to midnight-dial Bob Woodward and start spilling your guts, wouldn’t you? Or, failing that instinct, perhaps you’d have installed a staff that would talk you out of doing such a thing. Or maybe you’d call him once or twice. But not 18 times.

SPELLING BEE Nixon would ravage Trump in a spelling bee. It would be brutal.

Thusly, my argument has been proved.

Fact-Checking Trump’s Speech At The Republican National Convention

  • Transformers are not real.
  • There is no evidence to suggest that Joe Biden is part of the Yakuza.
  • Saying “Anoroc!” three times into a mirror has not been proven to cure COVID19.
  • Speaking of which, the American people should not be “lucky that they’re not dealing with COVID20 or 21;” these diseases do not exist.
  • Trump Tower is not now, nor has it ever been, one of Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.
  • President Trump did not “secretly manage the NY Giants” for any length of time.
  • Donald Junior is not a “strong boy,” nor is he a “good boy,” nor is he “such a good, good boy.”
  • The Constitution does not grant anyone the power to “turn Chicago into a giant prison like in Escape From New York.”
  • Cacti do not contain milk.
  • Nancy Pelosi was born and raised in Baltimore, not “belched from a stygian bog thick with foul magicks.”
  • There is no mechanism by which the President can add or subtract elements from the Periodic Table.
  • President Trump has ten grandchildren, not seven-and-a-half.
  • While former NFL great Herschel Walker has a solid reputation among his peers, he cannot rightly be called “the most respected Black of all.”
  • The language of Portuguese is not “just mumbled Spanish.”
  • Kamala Harris has never even been questioned in relation to a bank robbery, let alone served twelve years at Pelican Bay for knocking over a string of Wells Fargos in the San Jose area.
  • The Democratic platform contains no reference to “holding your white daughters down and shooting them up with dirty drugs.”
  • There is no such thing as a Reverse Pardon.
  • Iguanas and chameleons are completely different animals.
  • The Caesar salad was not named after Cesar Romero.

Overheard At The Republican National Convention

  • Kimberly Guilfoyle just chewed through an electrical conduit…and she’s fine. Yeah, I know it should’ve killed her. But she’s fine. Stronger, maybe.
  • I need that graphic of Joe Biden eating a child now.
  • Shit, that couple from St. Louis just saw Tim Scott and started waving their pistols around.
  • Due to Cease & Desist orders, our music selection is limited to Kid Rock or…Kid Rock’s later albums.
  • No, we can’t change the location of the Convention to Mar-a-lago, Eric. Why not? Because it’s Night Two already.
  • I don’t care if the conditions of his bail permit it, Steve Bannon does not get a speaking slot.
  • Do you smell ozone?
  • We need a CD copy of AC/DC’s Back in Black to Don Jr’s dressing room, please.
  • Legal has a problem with the graphic of Joe Biden eating children. No, I don’t think it matters what race the child is; it’s the whole concept they don’t like.
  • Jon Voight won’t stop slapping everyone who’s not in the Trump family.
  • Okay, I don’t know who put on Tomorrow Belongs To Me, but it’s not funny. Let’s be professional, people.
  • Legal also says we’re not allowed to put a tattoo on Biden’s face that reads “I H8 WHITES.”
  • We’re not executing any MS13 members. Was that ever part of the plan? Really?
  • The guy who was doing the camerawork for the Boaters 4 Trump regatta dropped his phone in the Intercoastal, and we’re gonna have to punt on that one.
  • Where did all these drug dealers come from? It looks like a Disco Biscuits show in here.
  • Well, run down to McDonald’s and get more Filet-O-Fishes, then.
  • Riiiiight. “Tiffany” Trump. A likely story. The President only has one daughter, and her name is Ivanka. Get out of here before I call the cops.
  • We can’t set the zoo on fire. I don’t care if President Trump wants to hear what that sounds like. It’s just not happening.
  • You dosed Nikki Haley? I dosed Nikki Haley. Jesus, how many people dosed Nikki Haley? We should check on her.
  • Legal also says that the President cannot openly call for the murder of his enemies, especially by name. They were real serious about it, too.

Suggestions For Debate Moderators From The Trump Campaign

The Trump campaign is asking the Commission on Presidential Debates to move up the last presidential debate to the first week in September to get ahead of an expected surge in early voting.

Driving the news: President Trump’s personal attorney, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, made the request in a letter dated Wednesday and obtained by Axios.

What to watch: The letter also includes a list of suggested moderators — including Bret Baier and Hugh Hewitt — and asks the commission to solidify backup plans for “a simple studio format with no audience” for presidential and vice presidential debates in case of further coronavirus complications. – Axios, 8/5/20

  • Four or five of Steve Bannon’s shirts.
  • Maybe a girl can do it, but only if she’s got a hot rack and she’s not gonna get nasty.
  • The Midnight Cowboy himself, Jon Voight!
  • Some straws can moderate debates. Not a lot of people know that, but some straws are geniuses. Only the bendy, obviously. Smart straws!
  • Mike Love.
  • Let Don Junior do it.
  • A black? Is there a black that can do it? Some straws can, but I don’t know about the blacks. When you think “debate moderating,” you don’t think of a black. I gotta be honest here. You don’t think of a black. Wait, what about Reggie Jackson? He could do it. Bright guy, Reggie. See if he’s still alive, and have him moderate the debates. Solved. Bing ding dong.
  • Touch-‘Em Monkeys. Jared told me all about them. They’re monkeys, but you can train them to grab a guy’s nuts and squeeze real hard. Wouldn’t that be great? We’re halfway through the debate, and I give the the Touch-‘Em Monkey the high sign, and he squeezes Sleepy Joe’s balls. That’s good teevee!
  • The MyPillow guy.
  • Whoever he is, he’s not gonna be wearing a mask like a homo.

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Briefing, 7/21/20

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I want you to know that I pray to Jesus, who is my favorite guy in the whole world, for your mortal souls. I hope He keeps and protects you, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Gosh, you folks just hate America. But, uh, I’m here tonight to introduce the greatest President that America’s ever had, Donald J. Trump. He is glorious and mighty, and his smile can cure phlebitis. Oh, the warmth of his close favor! When I first encountered it, I knew I’d do anything to remain within. We have touched, physically, on 14 separate occasions; a list is available from my press office.”

“C’mon, let’s go, no one wants to hear from you. Americans want to hear their favorite President.”

“Yes, sir. It is my honor, my pleasure, my sheer joy to introduce the 45th–”

“Soon to be 46th.”

“–President of the United States, the strong and bison-reminiscent Donald J. Trump.”

MILKSOP TRYING AND FAILING TO START A ROUND OF APPLAUSE NOISE

“All right, great, here I am which Sleepy Joe could not do, probably not in a million years. I mean that about Sleepy Joe. He’s in his basement. Maybe he’s fallen and can’t get up, I don’t know, people tell me he falls a lot. But I’m the President and so I’m in the White House talking about the China Virus, and the news is all good. Some of the best news you’ve ever heard, and even the fake news, who are monsters and I should maybe deport, won’t be able to twist it.

“We’re winning. My economy, which was so strong and powerful, is coming back. We’re doing the V-shape. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t make the shape V, but I knew that I could, and I like to win, and so we did the V-shape. Bing bong. Obama couldn’t do a V-shape. Best he could manage would be a U. But the bottom would be miles long. Miles-long bottom. Terrible U. Nowhere as good as my V.

“You go into Home Depot, and everyone’s shopping and buying–lightbulbs or wood or whatever, I don’t know–and you think ‘Man, President Trump did such a great job for America,’ and that’s true, but I’ve been treated so unfairly. I give the blacks jobs, and they burn down Wendy’s. I give the press ratings like no one’s ever seen, and they send antifa to Tucker Carlson’s house.

“We’re probably doing, I think, the best of all the countries in the world. A lot of them are reporting low death rates, but I know their real numbers. Three million people have died in Angela Merkel’s Germany, but they’re lying about it to make the U.S. look bad. Terrible woman, but the rest of the world is begging us for help. Begging! So I think we’re doing all right. There are some deaths, sure, but there’s always going to be some deaths. That’s part of life. Sad, but it’s part of life.

“We’ve done testing like you wouldn’t believe. We’re testing everywhere. You walk out your door, and there’s testing. It’s a really, really, really incredible thing that we’ve done with the testing. It’s not about how many tests you do, it’s about doing them right, and quite frankly we’re doing it so beautifully.

“America is protecting her wonderful, high-risk citizens. Diabetics, whatever. Seniors, our wonderful seniors who fought in our beautiful World Wars, they’re so great, but now they’re under attack from this filthy disease that China sent us. I will protect our beautiful old people, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know where he is.

“Okay, questions. Let’s do some good questions. You.”

“Mr. President, what is your current position on mask use?”

“My current position is the same position I’ve always has, which is that I’m for them when they work, but sometimes they don’t work, and you also have to worry about snot, mucus, whatever. That gets in the mask, and it’s disgusting. But I’ve always been for the masks, which can be wonderful, but sometimes they’re not.”

“Do you believe there should be a federal mandate about wearing them in public?”

“I get nervous. And you know I’m not a guy who gets nervous. Rosie O’Donnell gets nervous. Remember Rosie? I just destroyed her career years ago, which she deserved for being a fat pig and very nasty to me. We were in the papers constantly. Lotta fun. But I don’t get nervous, but when I hear the word ‘mandate,’ I get nervous. I trust in the American people to do the right thing, which is to wear a mask if it’s appropriate.”

“And when is it appropriate?”

“We’re gonna leave that up to the states, which are very capable, and there are 50 of them. Next question. You there.”

“Mr. President, do you have any comment on the recent arrest of Ghislane Maxwell, the reputed criminal conspirator of Jeffrey Epstein?”

“Good luck to her. She’s a Palm Beach gal, and we used to run into one another. Pictures don’t do her justice: She really kept her figure together. Good luck to her. Next question. Jim Acosta?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are fake news.”

“You never get tired of that, do you?”

“The American people need to know.”

“Yes, sir. Mr. President, the death toll from Covid-19 rose to 144,000 today. Could anything have been done to reduce that number?”

“The Chinese could have not sent their disease here. Or maybe the Demoncrats–I call them the Demoncrats instead of the Democrats, and people really enjoy that–could have not distracted me with their criminal impeachment hoax, which Nancy Pelosi and Shifty Schiff should be in jail for 50 years over.”

“But is there anything you could have done differently?”

“I think I’ve done very well. I’d give me an A. Maybe an A+. I closed down travel to China, which was very bold, and then I shut it down to Europe. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t shut down travel to Europe, but I could and I did. Without those strong actions, we could be looking at five, maybe six million dead. I’ve done a pretty amazing job, if you think about it.”

“Uh-huh. Sir, have you made any condolence calls to the families of Covid victims?”

“I couldn’t hear you.”

“Have you made any–”

“Still nothing. Speak up.”

“HAVE YOU MADE ANY–”

“Just pull down your mask, Jim.”

JIM ACOSTA PULLING DOWN HIS MASK NOISE

“Corona protocol breach! Get him!”

FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS TACKLING JIM ACOSTA NOISE

“I forgot how much fun these were. Okay, maybe we’ll do another one tomorrow, great, wonderful.”

Ways To Knock Down The Washington Monument

CALL SUPERMAN Superman could do it. Although he most likely wouldn’t, would he? Superman loves the Washington Monument; I bet he knows all sorts of facts about it. You’d have to mind control him or something. Maybe call Zod? Zod would totally knock down the Washington Monument.

CALL MATTER-EATER LAD The Washington Monument is nothing but matter, so Matter-Eater Lad would be in his element. (Matter-Eater Lad is real. I didn’t make Matter-Eater Lad up. He’s a member of DC’s Legion Of Super-Heroes, which is a group of meta-human teens from the 31st century who have always sucked. Sometimes, he looks like this:

They hate him at his local diner.

“Hey, hon. What can I getcha?”

“I’d like some matter, please.”

That shit gets on your nerves real quick.)

WRECKING BALL, MAYBE Not the one that Miley Cyrus swung in on. You’d need a much bigger ball. The Washington Monument is fucking enormous.

EXPLOSIVES? I feel like you’re massively underestimating the size of the Washington Monument. It’s a 40-story building made out of solid rock. Anything less than a nuke is just gonna leave a scorch mark on the facade.

FLYING GUILLOTINE The flying guillotine would have no effect whatsoever on the Washington Monument.

WHAT ABOUT A REALLY BIG FLYING GUILLOTINE? 200 words. It took you barely 200 words to start acting like a dickhead.

MY MONEY’S ON THE GIANT FLYING GUILLOTINE Fuck you, man. You’re not a professional.

Boys.

YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH I don’t need to deal with this bullshit in my condition.

Nice to see nothing’s changed.

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Mount Rushmore Remarks, 7/3/20

“Great, okay, yeah, so nice, Rushmore, all right, great. They tried to keep us from coming, but here we are. They block the roads with their tomahawks, buffalo, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I got a helicopter. Flew right over them. The pilot–and I have some of the best pilots you’ve ever seen, and they look so good, straight from central casting, tall, mustache–says to me Mr. President, please let me drop bombs on them. They hate America. And I said You’re right. They do hate America, but hold off on the bombs. So the pilot says They should call you Trump the Merciful, sir. And I said, Yeah, they should. That’s all true, true story. Where’s Kimberly Guilfoyle?

“Where’s Kimmy? She’s dating Junior for some reason. Did a lot to her face, but the body is still incredible. Women can keep their body or their face, not both. Kimmy, where are you?

“Kimmy?”

THUNDERING DUNDERWIT GETTING DISTRACTED BY A LASER POINTER WIELDED BY STEPHEN MILLER NOISE

“Ooh, green. So, anyway: Rushmore. Probably the greatest mountain we have. Anywhere, not just America. Everest has its problems! There’s a lot of people very down on Everest right now. Europe has some nice mountains, skiing, some beautiful resorts, but you can’t tell one mountain from another. Not Rushmore. You see Mount Rushmore, you’re like Hey, that’s Mount Rushmore. Great branding.

“But they want to take this away from us. First they take our statues, and then they take our beautiful mountains. This is antifa, this is the bad blacks, this is MS-13, this is the social–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–justice–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–warriors. They’re ‘woke.’ They wake up one day and want to destroy America. I’m woke and I hate George Washington. That’s what they say. So they desecrate our beautiful statues, tear them down, draw terrible things on them with spray paint. That’s mostly the bad blacks. Those people are incredible with the spray paint.

“All they wanna do is cancel. Cancel this, cancel that. I never got canceled. Did The Apprentice for nine seasons, and then I retired on top. Best ratings that NBC ever saw. Better than Cosby, Cheers, or that awful Jerry Seinfeld, who was never funny. Arnold tries to replace me. Huge flop! No one wants to see him! He sits there like a dummy. I made sure to put some energy into it, to sell the show, but Arnold is boring and so he failed like a dog. I didn’t get canceled, ever, but they wanna cancel all of your mountains.

“Y’got Washington, Jefferson. There’s Lincoln, who was good and not so good. People disagree on Lincoln. Roosevelt with the mustache. Not the one in the wheelchair. There was another Roosevelt, great President, very strong even though he couldn’t walk. Franklin. But he didn’t have a mustache. The one on the mountain isn’t that Roosevelt. That’s important to know.

“And these men were such beautiful men, and did so much for America, and now the Indians and whoever start screaming to cancel them. Canceling George Washington is like canceling the sky. Y’gonna cancel the sky? Maybe they’re thinking about it! I wouldn’t put it past antifa to try to cancel the sky. The Indians come in here and they cry. They say How, Big Chief. Mountain is-um sacred.Well, if it’s so sacred, then why are there faces of Presidents? I won that argument.

“Some of these statues are so wonderful, and the totalitarian left wants them all down. The horses are like you’ve never seen before. Really great horses on some of these statues. Powerful animals. And the men are riding the horses so gorgeously. You put that in a park, and everyone’s happy. That’s a draw! Who cares about a park? Benches, some stupid kids running around, maybe a pond or whatever. Who cares, right? But you install a beautiful statue that honors a brave hero on a horse, and now you really have something.

“They’re coming after Christopher Columbus. They’re coming after the MGM Grand because they say it’s racist against lions. They’re coming after hockey because they say it’s racist that the puck is black. The Black Hills. Maybe they’ll come for the Black Hills. I saw a lot of pickup trucks on the way in. They wanna replace them with taco trucks. It starts with statues and it ends with taco trucks.

“So, on Monday, I will sign an executive order implementing the death penalty for taking down any more statues, and I will set aside $100 million to study how to build the wall out of statues. I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone. Wall, statues. Americans deserve a wall made from statues, and I’m going to deliver it, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know what day it is and likes little girls.

“Okay, yeah, wonderful, God bless America, good, good.”

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Tulsa Rally, 6/20/20

“Yes, all right, good, yes. Great clapping, the best clapping. We have the best hands, and we use them so beautifully, the clapping. Tremendous. Mike Pence with a beautiful introduction that maybe no President has ever gotten before, because Mike’s up there. Vice-Presidentially speaking, you know what I’m talking about. Can’t compare him to a President, of course. Mike doesn’t do much, to be honest. Mostly sits in his office and prays. But he’s great, he’s great. Mike Pence.”

“It was my honor, pleasure, and delight. I adore you, Mr. President.”

“What a nice guy. Real sweetheart. And I want everyone to take a look at the First Lady. Melania, where are you?”

“She didn’t come along, sir.”

“Mike, shut up. I’m introducing my wife. Melania?”

“Not here, sir.”

“Melania?”

“A glass of water, Mr. President!”

STARFISH-FACED DUMBASS GREEDILY SNATCHING A GLASS OF WATER FROM A MILKSOP NOISE

“The water thing. The fake news media, which is probably antifa in disguise, is obsessed with the water thing. And it wasn’t a thing! The thing wasn’t a thing at all, but this is what the New York Slimes, which is what I call it because they’re so slimy and disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves, is saying. They’re so nasty with their water thing, which isn’t a thing.

“When I drink this water, you’re gonna say ‘Wow.’ I’ve impressed people with how I could drink water for all my life. All my life! People are always saying to me, and I’m talking about famous people, that I’m world-class at drinking water. Cups, mugs, bottles, whatever. I could do a thermos. Not so much with the fountains. Those things are germ city. Anyone can use ’em! When I grew up, only the right people could use the water fountains, and so you could drink from them, but now anyone can use ’em, and that doesn’t work out. That’s no good for anyone.

“Maybe I could do a straw. Straw? President wants a straw!”

DONALD TRUMP NOT BEING BROUGHT A STRAW NOISE

“I want bendy, but I’ll take regular. Straw?”

DONALD TRUMP CONTINUING TO NOT BE BROUGHT A STRAW NOISE

“Forget the straw. Straws are for Sleepy Joe Biden. He doesn’t like clicking his dentures against the glass, so he uses a straw. Very old. Me, I go straight in. Very aggressive drinker of water. You’re gonna see me do this, and your brain is gonna explode. Watch me.”

A SENTIENT, VAGUELY MAN-SHAPED PILE OF CIRCUS PEANUTS MANAGING THE HERCULEAN TASK OF SIPPING WATER WITH ONLY ONE HAND NOISE

“Right. You see. You see how strong your President is. Water sees Trump, it gets scared! It’s knows it’s getting drunk, unless there’s a Diet Coke nearby. If water is scared, then Diet Coke is terrified. ‘Oh, please don’t drink me, Mr President. Please let me participate in the greatest economy America’s ever seen.’ But, you know, I drink it.

“Seattle has bad hombres. That’s what I call those people, hombres, but maybe they’re not people at all. I don’t know, but this Governor they have there is so weak that he lets the bad hombres do whatever they want. This is Seattle. It’s a city, but the Governor is in charge. Many people aren’t aware of that, but I get so much information, so much information, you wouldn’t believe how much.

“These poor people. You got a wife, and her husband is a traveling salesman, and he’s riding the train so she’s home alone with the baby, and now here comes the bad hombres. So now the wife in Seattle calls the police, but Oops they’ve been defunded, so the hombres go wild on her. I’m picturing her with big yabbos. Not too big, but nice. The socialists, who are anarchists and communists, want the bad hombres to own your wife’s yabbos. No private property. That’s what they want. The animals are gonna get ahold of your wife’s tits. That’s what a vote for Sleepy Joe Biden is.

“Less than an hour. I could take back Seattle in less than an hour. Guaranteed. Maybe I should make the very weak, nasty, liberal Governor a deal? I take back the city, and then the real estate belongs to me. I could put up hotels, the whole nine yards. Because you can’t let machine gun blacks take over. Normal blacks, you have to deal with them, but you can’t have machine gun blacks in the street. We’re talking about our beautiful heritage here. The Democrats want to give machine guns to the blacks and let the hombres be bad.

“The media is worse. I call them the flea-dia, because they’re like fleas, and I’m like a magnificent stallion. Obviously a thoroughbred, which I’ve owned several of over the years. Did a lot of winning at the racetrack, and I’m known as an expert horseman. Anyone in the White House has a horse question, they bring it to me. Probably no one knows horses better than me, even horses themselves.

“The ramp thing. The ramp thing and the water thing. It amazes me how they just make up lies, and I’ve asked Bill Barr to have all the press executed, so that’s what we’ll do. Everyone will be so happy, because they lie and lie and lie. ‘Trump can’t walk down a ramp,’ this is what they say, and it’s such a vicious little lie. Everybody knows I’m a ramp man. Some people like stairs, and that’s fine, but I love a ramp. Escalator’s the best, but ramp is great. Ramp is great, and I love ramps, partially because I’m so strong on them. Stairs? You bounce, and there’s this, and there’s that. But ramps? You glide along! You glide along, and gliding is stronger than bouncing, everyone knows that.

“But someone, not me, someone else, I’m not responsible, gave me the wrong shoes. Maybe it was antifa. Sean Hannity says that antifa has infiltrated the White House staff, and maybe he’s right. Maybe I should have the White House staff executed? I’l ask Sean. And they’re leather-soled. Not my nicest sole! I’ve got shoes made entirely of whale leather. So I got the wrong shoes, and one of my generals comes up to me with tears in his eyes. Big tough guy, medals, the uniform, the whole thing. Tears! And he says, ‘Mr. President, let me piggy-back down that ramp. Your stylish, expensive shoes aren’t up to the task, and the filthy mongrel press will make fun of you.’ I thanked him for his service and you know what I did?

“I sprinted down that sonofabitch. You all saw it. You all saw me sprint, but the treasonous news media and Twitter, which I am bombing this week, told such nasty lies about me. Anyway, don’t worry about the Kung Flu anymore. China made it, but I took care of it. It’s gone. Can someone bring me a McChicken?”

DONALD TRUMP NOT BEING BROUGHT A McCHICKEN NOISE

“McChicken?”

President Trump’s Executive Order On Police Brutality, The First Draft

WHEREAS the blacks are completely out of control, rioting, looting, burning down Wendy’s even though Wendy’s has the most beautiful fries, even when they get a little cold. McDonald’s fries have to be right out of the thing, with the basket, the kid dips ’em in and lifts ’em out, and then there’s the salt. Gotta eat those right away, but you can let Wendy’s fries sit, unless blacks burn the place down, which we can’t allow; and,

WHEREAS the cops have to crack some skulls now and then, otherwise you have chaos and no one wants chaos except antifa and maybe the very, very socialist Supreme Court, who are maybe antifa now, too. Infiltrated? You put on those robes and no one knows who you are; and,

WHEREAS the choking is a bit much, but sometimes you have to choke. A lot of the times, our beautiful cops who are so very strong have to deal with the worst kind of blacks, and then you have to choke. No one wants to choke, but you have to. Sleepy Joe Biden will say eight minutes of choking is too much, but he doesn’t understand how bad some of these blacks are; and,

WHEREAS I cured AIDS; and,

WHEREAS now they want to get rid of Aunt Jemima! You can’t win with these blacks! They hate statues, they hate the flag, they want dry pancakes. This is why sometimes you have to choke; and,

WHEREAS motorcycle cops have some of the most spectacular uniforms on the planet. The boots are such tremendous boots, and we won’t do anything to change that, and anyone who kneels in cop boots should be thrown out of the NFL; and,

WHEREAS ramps are now illegal; and,

WHEREAS the blacks and antifa in Seattle have 24 hours to give back our wonderful police precinct, where so many great things happen, or I will send in the Navy to dominate the entire city; and,

WHEREAS Americans love law and order, and I am the law and order president, so we have to have law and order. Some people like law better, in terms of preference. Others go with order. Both are great. You need both, like salt and pepper. Law and order, salt and pepper, bing bang boom.

IT IS SO ORDERED.

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