WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM – MORNING
“Thank you, thank you, yes, the best press conferences in the whole world. Obama gave very weak conferences. Couldn’t even call them that. I have so many people calling me up and saying, ‘Bless you, Mr. President. You do press conferences the country can be proud of again.’ No rap music at my press conferences.
“We just got back from the United Nations, which is such a dump. The carpets are from the 70’s, just the worst carpets you’ve ever seen in your lives. Maybe if the other countries of the world would pay their UN tabs, then they could get do some redecorating, but for now? A dump. I have to say it, I have to be honest. Prime Manhattan real estate, and it’s wasted on those people. Most of the delegates have barely been indoors. I saw the Indonesians crap on the floor. They just squat and crap! I’m not lying! Squat and crap!
“We made some of the best deals that anyone’s ever seen at the UN. We did a deal with Japan that was so beautiful, probably better than the Louisiana Purchase. That was Jefferson, he did that. A lot of people don’t give Jefferson the credit for the Louisiana Purchase, but that was all him. Good deal. Not great.
“I came here to talk about something. General Kelly knows what I was gonna talk about. Where’s my General?”
“General? Mulvaney, where’s my General?”
“He quit. I’m doing his job now.”
“He’s not hiding behind the flagpole, sir. He’s far larger than that.”
“ISIS, sir. You killed the head of ISIS.”
“That’s right, I did that, all by myself. Get out, Mulvaney. How dare you interrupt me when I know what I’m doing.”
TOADY EXITING A PRESS ROOM NOISE
“Last night, under my direct supervision, U.S. special forces brought the world’s greatest terrorist to justice. Boo-boo al-Babaganoosh is dead. Our brave and deadly killing special forces went in under cover of night and killed him, plus some other people that were there who were also probably enormous terrorists.
“Before he died, he was begging like a dog. ‘Please don’t kill me, I love America,‘ that sort of thing. It was like in Miller’s Crossing. Remember Turturro in Miller’s Crossing? He’s in the woods, on his knees, such good acting. Anyway, that’s what this monster was doing, but he didn’t get an Oscar for it, he got maybe a thousand bullets in the face. We shot him right in the face like a dog.
“Obama couldn’t do it. And, y’know, come to think of it: Clinton couldn’t get this guy, either. No one talks about that! Maybe Hillary was part of that. Maybe Hillary was doing business with ISIS and persuaded Bill not to murder terrorists? You can’t put anything past that family. Even the great Ronald Reagan, who was very great, never killed the leader of ISIS. I did, but you won’t give me credit for that.
“Mr. President, when did this operation begin planning?”
“Well, I’ve always known that I was going to destroy ISIS. It was just a matter of the military picking the perfect day, night, whenever. They went in there so beautifully. I was watching it from the Situation Room with Mike Pence and Lou Dobbs, and a few other real high-level people. Real killers. You should have seen what these soldiers were doing. Helicopters, face-paint, the whole works. No doors! They don’t use doors! They blow a hole through the wall! It’s wild.”
“Sir, did the Kurds play any role?”
“Some. Maybe some. Maybe not as much as they could have, but some. Kurds are Kurds, good for them. Next question. You.”
“Mr. President, when did the United State confirm al-Baghdadi’s location?”
“It was tough, because he blends in. In that part of the world, he blends in. At Mar-a-Lago, he’d stand out like a dog, but over there? Can’t pick him out of a crowd. Plus, he’s very good at the internet. Barron is good, but Al Bundy is better. He posts on Instagram, but he never does the geo-tagging. That’s what they call that. Geo-tagging. ‘Oh, look at me, I’m here.’ That’s geo-tagging, and he had that shut off. Very tough to find, but we did. Next reporter.”
“Were the Russians notified?”
“Well, we had to. We were flying over their land, so we called and told them, and they were so lovely about it. ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump. This is the most perfect notification we’ve ever been given. Obama used to call and be so rude.’ The Russians were so strong in their compliments about our notification.
“What about Congress?”
“They’re being notified right now.”
“You mean that they’re being notified via this press conference.”
“Bing bang boop-ee-doop. Next?”
“Sir, I’m just trying to get a more precise timeline of all of this. Can you–”
“The dog is fine.”
“–walk us through…what?”
“We had a brave K9 soldier that was mildly injured. All the men were fine, but the dog got hurt like a dog. He’s okay now, though. Recovered like a dog.”
“I killed Al Baba-booey, and no one’s giving me the proper thanks for this. The worst terrorist in the entire world, and I may as well have shot him myself. I volunteered to do it, but many people begged me not to, and I decided to say okay. Both Theresa and Joe Guidice from Real Housewives of New Jersey begged me not to go over there. ‘You’re doing to much good for the country, except for Chicago, which is a hellhole and not your fault. Please stay here, sir.’ Very powerful words from Theresa and Joe. Good friends, very high ratings with Theresa and Joe.”
DINNER BELL RINGING NOISE
“Ooh, Filet-O-Fish. Okay, we’re done. You’re welcome.”