“Hop in, loser. We’re–”
Not you, too.
“–going Murder Heisting, man.”
I thought you might be above this.
“Nah. I’m in the mood for some hijinx.”
Is Robert Redford in your trunk?
“Oh, no, man.”
Thank God.
“We traded him.”
You what now?
“We needed access to a spy satellite. And I guess the guy with the spy satellite needed access to Robert Redford. Worked out all even and steven, man.”
What’s the spy satellite for?
“Peeping, I gather.”
At what?
“Not my part of the plan.”
What is your part of the plan?
“Picking up crullers for the office. You can’t Murder Heist hungry, man. First rule.”
True, I guess.
“I’m having a blast, man, gotta tell ya. It’s like a giant sunflower blooming right in front of our eyes, but the petals are made from shenanigans.”
Really thought you were better than the rest of them.
“Absolutely not.”
Nope.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I gotta take this.”
You should not have a cell phone.
“You should not have granted me the power to manipulate the timestream, man.”
Touché.
“Hang on.”
…
“Yello?”
“HAIRY GARCIA! WE READY F’R SOME GOOD OL’ MURDER HEISTIN’!”
“What do you mean ‘we,’ man?”
“AH HAVE ACQUIRED A MONKEY!”
“Kinda shocked it took this long, man.”
“THERE WAS A SIMIAN-SHAPED HOLE IN MAH HEART, HAIRY GARCIA! AH HAVE NOW FILLED IT, AN’ AH HAVE A SENSE OF GREAT PEACE.”
“Good for you, man.”
“UNFORT’NATELY, THERE IS VERY LITTLE PEACE IN GRACELAND! CHARLIE HODGE IS THREATENED BAH TH’ BANANA MAN!”
“You named the monkey–”
“I HAVE CHRISTENED HIM ‘TH’ BANANA MAN.'”
“–The Banana Man?”
“ON ACCOUNT O’ HE LOVES BANANAS. AN’ TH’ SECOND PART IS IRONIC. BANANA MAN AIN’T NO MAN, HE’S A MONKEY.”
“Clearly. So, what’s the beef with him and Charlie?”
“AS YOU KNOW, CHARLIE HODGE BRINGS ME MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER. AH GET SO DANG SWEATY, AN’ AH BECOME SO PARCHED. MY AFFLICTIONS CAN BE TREATED ONLY WITH SCARVES AN’ WATER! WE TRIED TOWELS AN’ GATORADE ONCE, AN’ IT WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER.”
“Change can be tough, man.”
“TH’ KING NEEDS SCARVES, AN’ TH’ KING NEEDS WATER, AND CHARLIE HODGE DELIVERS THESE BALMS TO HIS KING.”
…
“BUT IT DID TAKE TH’ BETTER PART OF A DECADE TO TEACH CHARLIE HODGE HOW TO DO IT. BOY’S THICKER TH’N CEMENT SOUP. DIDN’ EVEN KNOW WHAT A SCARF WAS AT FIRST. AH’D ASK F’R ONE, AN’ HE’D BRING ME RANDOM HOUSEHOLD ITEMS. OH, MAN, TH’ LOOK ON HIS FACE WOULD BREAK Y’R HEART. SO HOPEFUL.”
“Well, people learn at their own pace, I guess.”
“THASS WHAT AH LIKE ABOUT YOU, HAIRY GARCIA: YOU SEE TH’ GOOD IN PEOPLE.”
“I try my best, man.”
“BUT YOU SHOULD STOP GIVIN’ CHARLIE HODGE TH’ BENEFIT OF TH’ DOUBT. BOY’S SO DUMB HE CAN’T EVEN SPELL IQ.”
“So what’s his problem with the chimp?”
“AS AH MENTIONED, IT TOOK ALMOST TEN YEARS F’R CHARLIE HODGE TO MASTER THE FETCHIN’ O’ MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER.”
“Yeah.”
“TOOK TH’ BANANA MAN 20 MINUTES T’FIGURE IT OUT.”
“That’s gonna cause some friction.”
“THIS WILL END IN TEARS. JUS’ DON’ KNOW FROM WHICH SPECIES YET.”
“Uh-huh. Elvis, was there a reason you called?”
“MURDER HEIST!”
“Oh, right, that.”
“COME PICK US UP! STOP F’R DONUTS FIRST!”
“I got crullers.”
“CRULLERS’LL DO.”
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