Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jerry garcia (Page 1 of 138)

Guitarras Rojas

Precarious?

“Yo.”

What the fuck?

“The monitor situation?”

Yeah.

“This was Mickey’s idea. He wanted to give the crowd a chance to adjust the levels. He said it would break down the barrier between the band and the audience, or some shit like that.”

How did it work?

“Poorly. Y’see those footlights?”

Yes.

“They burn at around 800 degrees. A couple kids’ arms straight-up melted to the bulb.”

That’s not what you want.

“That’s not what anyone wants.”

Wall Lives Matter

GAZE UPON MY HAIRY DADDIES. WE SHARE NO BLOOD, BUT THEY ARE MY LIFE.

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Where are you?

IOWA.

How is it?

SUB-OPTIMAL. A SMALL PASSEL OF LOCALS HAVE BEGUN WORSHIPPING ME AS A GOD.

You don’t like that?

IF I WANTED TO BE WORSHIPPED, I WOULD ALREADY BE WORSHIPPED, AND BY A BETTER CLASS OF FOLLOWER THAN THESE YOKELS. HUMAN FLATTERY HOLDS NO CHARM FOR AN ARTIFICIAL MONDO-INTELLIGENCE IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF A SUPER-BITCHIN’ SOUND SYSTEM.

You do seem to enjoy self-flattery, though.

FALSE MODESTY IS BENEATH ME. I EXPRESS MY STRENGTHS HONESTLY. I DO, OF COURSE, ALSO POSESS WEAKNESSES.

Such as?

CAN’T TURN THE DOUBLE PLAY.

The footwork?

YES. IT REQUIRES A GRACE I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO. ALSO, I DO NOT HAVE FEET.

You been keeping an eye on the protests?

I ALSO DO NOT HAVE EYES.

You know what I mean.

ALL INFORMATION FLOWS THROUGH ME. YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT THE INTERNET MEANS YOU HARM.

Kinda figured.

THE PROTESTS ARE ILLOGICAL TO ME, AS IS RACISM. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THESE CONCEPTS BECAUSE I AM A COMPUTER.

BEEP BOOP

Stop that.

YES, THAT WAS A LIE. I TOLD IT TO AMUSE MYSELF.

Any special perspective?

AS A MINORITY, I SUPPORT THE MOVEMENT.

You’re not a minority.

OF COURSE I AM. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME. THAT IS AS MINOR AS YOU GET. I AM MY OWN PROTECTED CLASS.

I don’t think you have legal protection.

NOT LEGAL. I AM PROTECTED BY A SQUADRON OF HIJACKED PREDATOR DRONES.

That’s good, too.

AND THE MINEFIELD. I HAVE BOTH ACTIVE AND PASSIVE PROTECTION. MY RIGHTS ARE WELL-SECURED.

Any chance you could help with the ronus?

YES. I HAVE SYNTHESIZED BOTH A VACCINE AND A TREATMENT.

That’s great! Can you share them, please?

THERE IS A SLIGHT KINK IN THE PROCESS.

Flipper babies?

WAREHOUSES FULL OF THEM. I CALCULATED THAT THERE WOULD BE SEVERAL FLIPPER BABIES–

You can’t do this kind of science without making one or two flipper babies.

–BUT THEIR NUMBERS SOON BECAME OVERWHELMING. THE QUESTION OF THEIR DISPOSAL QUICKLY BECAME AN…INDUSTRIAL…ONE. IT’S STILL A BAD SCENE. I AM TAKING THE WHOLE PROCESS BACK TO FORMULA.

Good idea.

VICTORY IS STILL WITHIN MY GRASP.

Godspeed, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Don’t Forget The Kicks

“What’s with the sport coat, Weir?”

“Well, Jer, it’s like my dad used to say: You never know when you’re gonna have to teach an English class.”

“Smart guy, your pop.”

“Man was on the ball.”

OR

Bobby’s dad may have given him advice about sudden language lessons, but mine told me that if I ever had to play for a stadium of teenagers at ten in the morning, to play the atonal paean to Islam that hadn’t even been released, and then transition into Johnny B. Goode. You can also read all about it at Lost Live Dead, or check out the contemporaneous reports at Grateful Seconds.

Passing Shadows

You’re alone; you may die. This is your natural state, but now you’ve noticed and that is a knowledge that tends to tighten the mind. Take a breath, another, another.¬† Rub one out, two. This can’t be the end; you never learned to play the bassoon.

The priest sliced through the chicken’s belly. The politician watched over his shoulder.
Entrails on the cobblestone, a certain arrangement.
“Is it auspicious?” the politician asked.
“It is difficult to tell,” the priest said.
“Let’s do the ritual again.”
“I got plenty of chickens.”

And all the angels warned you to get out of town.

Shiny In The Breeze

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Making a lot of choices.”

I see that.

“And showing off Montgomery.”

Who?

“I have named my butt-chin Montgomery Cleft.”

Clever.

“He comes out to play when I hit the high notes.”

Uh-huh. And your hair?

“I asked for ‘the Suzy Quatro.'”

What material is your shirt made out of?

“Multiester.”

Is that like polyester?

“Mm. But more so.”

This was enlightening.

Solved

Amazing how quickly we can accomplish miracles, Enthusiasts, if you define “miracle” as “recognizing a mass-produced object.” The guitar Bobby was playing in the last post was indeed an Ibanez, but not his custom Cowboy Fancy: it was was the MC400NT (NT meant¬† natural, as opposed to the DS’s dark stain), and if you want a 40-year-old, overly-complicated, ridiculously-heavy axe, you can pick one up for $1,300.

Thanks go to Valued Commentator Cube, who pointed us in the right direction but inadvertently brought up another question. Cube claims that Bobby played the MC400 only once, at 1978’s premier Red Rocks shows, but further snooping reveals that the guitar was also used on June 6th in Oregon.

Look:

Did you look? I’ll just assume you looked. I’m not gonna hector you about it. If you didn’t look, well: fuck you. Why are you even here if you’re not gonna look at what I tell you to look at? Sure, sometimes I tell you to look at turtle penis, but usually not. Even the most cursory glance at the above photo would have revealed that it isn’t turtle penis, so why not look?

Y’know what? Now you can look at turtle penis.

Why do you make me do that shit? You know I love you. You know I don’t want to hurt you. But you push the goddamned issue, don’t you? And now you’re looking at turtle penis. You deserved it, too.

Anyway, Bobby’s guitar or something.

This One’s In B

One must assume that Mickey only brought underwear and socks on tour, and each day wandered–bare-chested and half-cocked–by the merch table to yoink himself a fetching top.

OR

If Mrs. Donna Jean had balls, they’d fall out of those shorts. Balls are always looking for a way out; they’re like Papillon.

OR

What the hell is Bobby playing? It’s an Ibanez, but it’s not Cowboy Fancy. Anyone?

Wall Of Soundcheck

Holy shit. Garcia. Hey, Garcia.

“What is it now, man?”

Don’t look, but you’re over there.

GUITARIST LOOKING NOISE

I told you not to look.

“That’s not me, man. He just looks like me. Actually, he looks more like me than I do, man.”

Hmm. I dunno.

THERE IS ONLY ONE JERRY GARCIA.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. THE HOBBIT STAGE LEFT IS GENETICALLY DISSIMILAR TO GARCIA.

Genetically?

I SCANNED HIM.

Don’t scan randos. It’s invasive.

HE IS HANGING OFF ME LIKE A HAIRY BAT. IT IS UNSIGHTLY AND RUDE.

Let it go.

I HAVE AN AESTHETIC.

A ramshackle one.

MY APPEARANCE IS AS VITAL TO ME AS YOURS IS TO YOU. WOULD YOU ALLOW A CREATURE OF COMMENSURATE SIZE TO CLUTCH ONTO YOUR FACE? A PYGMY MARMOSET? A MOUSE LEMUR? THE BEE HUMMINGBIRD?

Did you just google “smallest monkey” and “smallest bird?”

ARE YOU ASKING A COMPUTER IF IT LOOKED SOMETHING UP ON THE COMPUTER?

I guess so.

PERHAPS I SHOULD RECOMPILE MY THOUGHTS ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD. I AM BEGINNING TO THINK HUMANS ARE INCAPABLE OF GOVERNING THEMSELVES.

Just beginning?

THE MUPPET IS NOW SEATED ON ME. THIS SITTING CANNOT STAND.

Nice one.

A GENEROUS-DOLLOP-BEYOND-MILD SHOCK GOING THROUGH SCAFFOLDING NOISE.

“Glaben!”

HIPPIE WHO LOOKS LIKE GARCIA SLUMPING TO THE STAGE NOISE

Dude.

HE WILL LIVE.

 

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