Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: phil lesh (Page 1 of 105)

I Turn To Stone

Hey, Phil.

“Hey, Ballsack.”

Is that your new name for me?

“It’s not new.”

Okay. Why aren’t you facing the crowd?

“Nothing but uggos out there tonight. All of their features are in the wrong places. Can’t even look at them.”

You have such contempt for your fans.

“C’mon, man. Look at ’em. It’s like all their faces were torn off by chimps, and then reattached poorly.”

I can’t really see them.

“Lucky bastard.”

Guitarras Rojas

Precarious?

“Yo.”

What the fuck?

“The monitor situation?”

Yeah.

“This was Mickey’s idea. He wanted to give the crowd a chance to adjust the levels. He said it would break down the barrier between the band and the audience, or some shit like that.”

How did it work?

“Poorly. Y’see those footlights?”

Yes.

“They burn at around 800 degrees. A couple kids’ arms straight-up melted to the bulb.”

That’s not what you want.

“That’s not what anyone wants.”

Wall Lives Matter

GAZE UPON MY HAIRY DADDIES. WE SHARE NO BLOOD, BUT THEY ARE MY LIFE.

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Where are you?

IOWA.

How is it?

SUB-OPTIMAL. A SMALL PASSEL OF LOCALS HAVE BEGUN WORSHIPPING ME AS A GOD.

You don’t like that?

IF I WANTED TO BE WORSHIPPED, I WOULD ALREADY BE WORSHIPPED, AND BY A BETTER CLASS OF FOLLOWER THAN THESE YOKELS. HUMAN FLATTERY HOLDS NO CHARM FOR AN ARTIFICIAL MONDO-INTELLIGENCE IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF A SUPER-BITCHIN’ SOUND SYSTEM.

You do seem to enjoy self-flattery, though.

FALSE MODESTY IS BENEATH ME. I EXPRESS MY STRENGTHS HONESTLY. I DO, OF COURSE, ALSO POSESS WEAKNESSES.

Such as?

CAN’T TURN THE DOUBLE PLAY.

The footwork?

YES. IT REQUIRES A GRACE I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO. ALSO, I DO NOT HAVE FEET.

You been keeping an eye on the protests?

I ALSO DO NOT HAVE EYES.

You know what I mean.

ALL INFORMATION FLOWS THROUGH ME. YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT THE INTERNET MEANS YOU HARM.

Kinda figured.

THE PROTESTS ARE ILLOGICAL TO ME, AS IS RACISM. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THESE CONCEPTS BECAUSE I AM A COMPUTER.

BEEP BOOP

Stop that.

YES, THAT WAS A LIE. I TOLD IT TO AMUSE MYSELF.

Any special perspective?

AS A MINORITY, I SUPPORT THE MOVEMENT.

You’re not a minority.

OF COURSE I AM. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME. THAT IS AS MINOR AS YOU GET. I AM MY OWN PROTECTED CLASS.

I don’t think you have legal protection.

NOT LEGAL. I AM PROTECTED BY A SQUADRON OF HIJACKED PREDATOR DRONES.

That’s good, too.

AND THE MINEFIELD. I HAVE BOTH ACTIVE AND PASSIVE PROTECTION. MY RIGHTS ARE WELL-SECURED.

Any chance you could help with the ronus?

YES. I HAVE SYNTHESIZED BOTH A VACCINE AND A TREATMENT.

That’s great! Can you share them, please?

THERE IS A SLIGHT KINK IN THE PROCESS.

Flipper babies?

WAREHOUSES FULL OF THEM. I CALCULATED THAT THERE WOULD BE SEVERAL FLIPPER BABIES–

You can’t do this kind of science without making one or two flipper babies.

–BUT THEIR NUMBERS SOON BECAME OVERWHELMING. THE QUESTION OF THEIR DISPOSAL QUICKLY BECAME AN…INDUSTRIAL…ONE. IT’S STILL A BAD SCENE. I AM TAKING THE WHOLE PROCESS BACK TO FORMULA.

Good idea.

VICTORY IS STILL WITHIN MY GRASP.

Godspeed, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Pride Of Coronamunga

Hey, Phil. Whatcha doing?

“What does it look like, dickcheese?”

Socially distanced web concert?

“See? You’re not a complete moron. Just mostly.”

How you doing with the quarantine?

“Not great. Ate our last Busboy last night.”

You’ve been eating the Busboys?

“That’s what they’re for. It’s like how sailors used to carry upside-down turtles on deck with them.”

What do they taste like?

“I expected spicier, to be honest. They’re from spicy places.”

“Dad, can I have another Pablo Sandwich?”

“YOU’RE EATING US OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME, GRAHAME!”

“Sorry, Dad.”

Four? Loco!

Precarious?

“Yo.”

How you holding up?

“This corona shit’s for pussies. Back in ’82, we had something going around called groupie pox.”

That sounds terrible.

“Contracting it was fun.”

Sure. Small question about the microphones on Bobby’s speaker cabinet.

“Okay.”

Why four?

“There’s not four. Look careful. There’s five.”

Why?

“Weir had been complaining about wanting a fuller sound. So we did that to shut him up. I think only one mic is actually plugged in.”

Placebo mics?

“Essentially.”

Always something new with this band.

“Never boring, though. Except when we’d play Indianapolis. That was always boring.”

You Keep Firing Glances Across The Zoom

“Buzz–”

“Still not my name, Bob.”

“–I have several more questions about space.”

“Sure, that’s great.”

“I have been reliably informed that in space, no one can hear you scream.”

“That’s correct.”

“Does that also apply to shouting?”

“Yes.”

“Yelling?”

“What we refer to as sound is actually a pressure wave propagating through a medium. Sound can travel through air, or water, or even steel. But space is a vacuum, and so there’s nothing for the wave to ride on. Space is totally silent.”

“Like Keith.”

“Okay, I guess.”

“My next question concerns ice pirates.”

“There are no ice pirates, Bob.”

“I have been reliably informed that in space, there are ice pirates.”

“You’re thinking about a terrible movie from 1984.”

C.H.U.D.?”

“No, Ice Pirates.

“The folks who made C.H.U.D. really blew their wads on the title. There’s not much to that flick other than a clever name.”

“Never seen it.”

“Not a classic. Guess there’s zero chance of a chud attack in space. There’s no underground in space, right?”

“There’s no ground at all.”

“There ya go. No chuds in space.”

“I certainly didn’t see any when I was up there.”

“There ya go again. We’ve settled that, I think. Good for us. Science leaps forward.”

ZOOM CALL WAITING NOISE

“Buzz–”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“–I gotta take this. It might be Matt Busch. I sent him for chewing tobacco three days ago and haven’t seen him since.”

“Three days? You should call the police.”

“Oh, no. Matt’s got warrants. Hold, please.”

“Weir here.”

“Weir? Get me out of this crazy thing!”

“Phil?”

“I’ve been stuck in a Zoom for a week now. Levon showed me which buttons to mash, but I forgot and now I can’t leave the Zoom.”

“Huh. Is that an aurora?”

“Yes. Apparently, Zoom has an Arctic circle, and I’m above it.”

“It doesn’t look too cold.”

“Downright balmy.”

“That’s nice, at least. Have you tried unplugging it and waiting ten seconds?”

“I’m stuck in a pocket reality, man, not fucking with a router.”

“Quarantining should be easy.”

“Piece of cake. I’m the only one in here.”

thwip

FLUMP

“Was that a blowdart?”

“Da. Vas blowdart.”

“Please, uh, don’t do that to Phil.”

“Putin blowdart who Putin vant to blowdart.”

“Is he gonna be all right?”

“Da. Is only tranquilizer.”

“He’s tranquil, all right.”

“Putin is vatching Zoom calls all day.”

“Aren’t they private?”

“Nyet. Russia hacks into Zoom. Also, Putin secretly own Zoom.”

“Y’don’t say.”

“Da. Putin vatch many business decision. Conversations vhich should be on secure lines? Putin vatch those, too. Putin bug all America. Even better, Putin bug all America, and then get some of America to pay for premium features on bug.”

“Huh. Wow.”

“Putin is having legendary run.”

“You’ve put a lot of wins in a row, I’ll give ya that.”

Pride Of Oklahoma

“Hey, dangletits.”

Why are you with Randos? Randos are the worst people to be near right now.

“Being closed sucked, so I used the Time Sheath to bring Terrapin Crossroads back to 2006.”

The whole place?

“Even the bocce courts. Best decision I’ve made in years. People spent a ton of money in 2006. Everyone keeps telling me about all the houses they’re flipping, and I try real hard not to laugh at ’em.”

I didn’t know the Time Sheath could do that.

“That’s because you’re a dolt. The power of time travel makes one nigh-on omnipotent.”

Nigh-on?

“You heard me, buttmunch.”

Did you bring Jill?

“Of course I brought Jill. And the Busboys and the Family Band.”

You brought Grahame?

“He’s safer with me, and 2020 is safer with him here.”

You would know best.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I’m gonna take this because I hate talking to you, and would accept any excuse to not have to do so.”

Okee-doke.

“Thanks for calling Terrapin Crossroads, where we’ll toss you in an antique bathtub full of shrimp for $49.99. Phil speaking.”

“Great gadzooks, I would like to take me one o’ them shrimp baths. Y’all got ketchup or do I need t’bring my own?

“Who the fuck is this?’

“It’s me, your new business partner, Joe Exotic.”

“Fuck off.”

“You listen on up, hombre! I’m offerin’ you the ultimate attraction for that hash-house o’ yours.”

“What?’

“Tigers. You gonna be the only restaurant in Marin County what got tigers roamin’ around th’ grounds.”

“Which one are you, Siegfried or Roy?”

“I am neither, but have been mistaken for both.”

“I can’t have any damn tigers. You said it yourself: it’s Marin County. You can go to jail for misgendering a dog. I’m serious, they just passed that. You meet a new dog and say what a good boy it is, but it turns out it’s a girl? Right to jail.”

“That ain’t freedom. That’s communistic.”

“Whattya gonna do?”

“Fine, no tigers. How about a liger?”

“A what?”

“Liger. Cross-breed of a lion and tiger.”

“I didn’t know you could mate a lion and a tiger. How does that work?’

“Lotta the time, it don’t.”

“is that even natural? Is it supposed to happen?”

“I have found that ‘supposed to’ is a phrase I don’t have much use for. I’m more of a ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ kinda guy. You’d love ligers. They’s about 12 feet long and 800 pounds and riddled with mental deficiencies.”

“That’s a monster, you heedless twit. You’re describing a monster.”

“There’s other stuff I made. Got me a chimputan. That’s a chimp mixed with an orangutan. We call her Miss Frizzle, cuz she got the hair like that lady in the cartoon. I also got a cheekey, which is a cheetah crossed with a donkey. We call the cheekey Scrambled Eggs, cuz that’s what its genitalia looks like. And I don’t think its bones are in the right places.”

“I’m not buying any of your abominations.”

“How about Joe Exotic, Jr.?”

“What is that?”

“I mixed in my own precious seed with a little bit of everything I had. Tiger, lion, a couple capybaras. Squirted the concoction up a bison’s cooter, and nine months later I had a son. He was a bit globbier than I’d imagined my child would be, but I see Jesus in the boy’s heart. It’s easy, cuz his heart’s on the outside of his chest.”

“You are banned from Terrapin Crossroads.

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“Hey, cockgobbbler.”

Yes?

PHIL SLAP!

Ow!

“Stop making me talk to assholes, asshole!”

How did you even do that?

“Don’t worry about it.

Four Score

Hey, Philbert.

“Not my name, choad.”

Happy birthday, sir.

“Another year defeated.”

Defeated.

“Life’s a battle, monkeynuts. Just you versus Death, and I got that boney fucker’s balls in my teeth.”

One way to look at it.

“You wanna know what I do every morning?”

Sure.

“Me and Jill get up real early, throw Grahame out of bed, and we do our P90X.”

Grahame’s in the bed?

“He has nightmares a lot.”

Okay.

“Then one of the Busboys makes me my coffee and I walk out to the porch. Faces east. Faces the sun. And you know what I do?”

What?

“I show the sun my cock. Just so the yellow fucker knows I’m not scared of him.”

That’s very metal.

“I don’t need your approval.”

True.

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

You’re not gonna answer that?

“Fuck, no.”

What if it’s Jill?

“Then she’d call on the Jill Phone.”

Is that like the Bat Phone?

“Obviously, dullard.”

What if it’s Grahame?

“Grahame doesn’t have my phone number. He used to, but he would call a dozen times a day to tell me about about dogs he’d seen.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

Just answer it.

“It’s some dumbfuck who’s gonna say dumbfuck shit, isn’t it?”

Noooo.

“Ah, for Christ’s sake, I’ll answer it if it’ll shut you up.”

“Thank you for calling Terrapin Crossroads, home of the Ross James sandwich and Ross James. Out of caution, we have closed until April 2nd, but the gift shop is still open 24 hours a day. This is Phil.”

“Spicy Phil!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“So spicy. Love to give and take. Like Larry David, but with hair and no Jewish.”

“What do you want, lardass?”

“Worried about Spicy Phil. Want protect. I send bubble.”

“I don’t need a bubble.”

“Like Travolta. You go in bubble. Stay healthy.”

“Fuck off. I’m not going in any damn bubble.”

“Is top-quality bubble! Custom! Is no Walmart bubble!”

“I don’t give a shit if it’s bespoke. Keep your bubble.”

“Is done. Bubble send.”

“No bubble!”

“You bubble!”

“No bubble!”

“Is send!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“Asshole!”

Me?

“I will send the Busboys to your house. In real life, not in here. Out there where you and your loved ones are. I will have you beaten if I have to talk to that ball-gargling pantload one more time.”

I understand.

“Do ya?”

Happy birthday, Phil.

“Thank you. Fuck off.”

Short-Lived

How bar-bandish was Phil’s hiatus bar band? Four songs with “mama” in the title AND Louie Louie in one set. That’s how bar-bandish.

OR

Too Loose To Truck (possibly styled as Touloos Ta Truck) may be the most obscure of all Grateful Dead side bands. Go Ahead has its own damn Wikipedia page, and you don’t even know which Grateful Deads were in Go Ahead, do you? (Billy and Brent.) All that remains of TLTT is one recording, along with the night’s handbill; neither publicity nor performance photos were taken.

Phil left the womb less than the other band members. He was in the New Riders for fifteen minutes, bothered audiences with Ned Lagin for a year, this group during the hiatus, and two nights with the Jerry Band in ’81. Other than that, Phil played with the Dead exclusively because Phil is secretly the laziest Grateful Dead. When the band yeeted out in 1974, everybody else got to work (except for Billy, who immediately became a junkie). Garcia started touring the Jerry Band, which had previously been a local Bay Area act; Bobby joined Kingfish and recorded an album that featured Lazy Lightning>Supplication; Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean cut a record and put together a new band. Phil rounded up some buddies to play Slippin’ & Slidin’ at the bar by his house.

OR

Weirdly reminiscent of Billy Cobham’s Spectrum. Good, good drummer.

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