Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Pigpen (Page 1 of 20)

Talking To The Night

“Anythin’ work right when you’re at?”

Less and less by the day.

“Shouldn’t take no week t’ find out who the President is! Y’vote in th’ mornin’, and Walter Cronkite tells ya who won durin’ Prime Time. That’s how it goes! It’s in the Constitution!”

Is it?

“Maybe the Bible. Rules are rules, that’s the ol’ Pig’s point.”

It’s a good point.

“I’ve been known t’ hit upon the odd universal truth!”


“Well, no matter how messy it was, y’got the desirable outcome.”

Were you supporting Joe Biden?

“Hell, no! Y’can’t support politicians, it only encourages ’em! Though I might make an exception f’r the Vice Fox!”

Please don’t call Kamala Harris “the Vice Fox.”

“Vice Fox-Elect!”

Not better.

“Don’t be policin’ the ol’ Pig’s phraseologies!”

Sorry. Any more political thoughts?

“Black Panthers got a real good plan.”

Keep the faith, Pig.

“Easier said than done! But it’s doable.”

Soul Man

“Where you been, boy? Feelin’ sorry for yo’self some more?”


“Whiskey’ll help that! Some folks bother Th’ Lord, but the ol’ Pig figures He’s too busy for my piddlin’ nonsense.”

I cannot abide spirits, Pig.

“How ’bout a feisty negress?”

We’ve talked about that phrase.

“The ol’ Pig will pronouncify in his own way! Don’t try reconstructin’ me. I died in 1973, dammit!”

I know, I know.

“You wake up this mornin’?”


“Then you’re doin’ better’n a lotta folks! You got sugar f’r your coffee?”

I do.

“Then you’re doin’ better’n most everybody! You got th’ blues, then let ’em out! Can’t be lettin’ the blues fester!”

You’re always right, Pig.

“Someone’s gotta be!”

Lee’s Gone

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Blowin’ my harp, an’ lookin’ sharp!”

Right on both counts. How many instruments did you play?

“Ain’t never played none of ’em. It’s serious business! You wanna play, you get you a hula hoop an’ a Betsy-Wetsy doll!”

Also true. Y’know, Lee should’ve totally paid you to endorse their jeans.

“We are in no way conflicted in our opinions! In fact, I called over to their offices once t’see if we could put into place the very agreement you spoke of.”


“The ol’ Pig don’t lie! I rang ’em up, got some mucketymuck on the line, an’ I got t’ castigatin’! You’re ignorin’ the longhair market, I tells the suit. You gotta appeal to the dopers, I continue. They don’t wear nothin’ but jeans! It’s what y’call a captive market, Captain Capitalist! That’s what I said to the man.”

How’d he respond?


He hung up on you?

“After some rather imaginative oaths!”

Win some, lose some.

“An’ I didn’t let the interaction sour me on the pants! They’re made of sturdy stuff, plus they make the ol’ Pig’s ass look 30% more grabbable than it naturally is.”

You had it going on, man. Lemme ask you something.


Do I have a civic duty to watch the debate tonight?

“Hell, no. Get your load on an’ watch some Bugs Bunny. Payin’ attention t’ politicians only encourages ’em.”

Pig, you’re the wisest man I know.

“You should meet more people!”

Swine, Flu

“What the hell is happenin’ out there? You been layin’ with unclean foxes?”

Nope. Plague time.

“You tried singin’ th’ blues at th’ pestilence?”

I don’t know.

“Can’t hurt!”

You’re right about that.

“All them doctors, they jus’ wanna go t’ war with viruses and all them! Ain’t how you gonna win! Gotta sing th’ blues at th’ bug! Make it unnerstand that you got bigger problems t’ deal with, an’ that now ain’t th’ perfect time t’ be comin’ around! Maybe that virus got th’ same worries you do! Maybe its woman ain’t treating it right!”

That’s more of a poetic response than a scientific one.

“The ol’ Pig did a lot better in English class than biology.”

I didn’t say you were wrong.

“I very rarely am, and only about exceedingly minor matters!”

Pig, I wish you were here, but I’m a little glad you’re not.

“Much appreciationfulness.”

This Is Why Pig Never Reaches Over His Right Shoulder

Hey, Pig. Who’s that?

“That ain’t a ‘who.’ That’s a ‘what.’ And what that is, is a rando.”


“The ol’ Pig jus’ seems t’attract ’em! Mus’ be my sav-wah fair!”

You do have a lot of that.

“Too much! Can’t mosey on down to the liquor store without lookin’ like the Pied Piper! Jus’ wanna buy me a taste, an’ all of a sudden my wake’s full o’ weirdos an’ strange-types an’ sploinky-doinks!”


“That’s them hippies who don’t never wear shoes. I calls ’em that cuz that’s the sound their feet make on th’ sidewalk.”

Bobby turns into one of them.

“Well, he ain’t at th’ moment! Ain’t havin’ that in th’ organization! The ol’ Pig puts his foot down when it comes t’ feet!”

Hey, I agree totally.

“Even th’ foxes gotta put on some shoes. Some, they walk around the city all day nothin’ in between their soles and all that nitty-gritty! Bottoms of their feet lookin’ like someone left a tire patch kit sittin’ on the radiator.”


“The ol’ Pig won’t abide it.”

Always nice checking in with you, Pig.

“I’m a fountain of yes in a world made outta no.”

God bless you.

“Yes, he did.”

Saturday In The Park, I Think It Wasn’t The Fourth Of July

40% casualty rate is good, right?


Billy found his drum kit in a Cracker Jack box.


Why are they set up like a normal band? Pig should be on a different truck ten yards away, or Phil should be in the driver’s seat. This is, like, how you’re supposed to do it.


Phil still weighs exactly the same, and still has the same amount of hair.


Young Garcia = Chubby Slash.


That fucker was at every single rockyroll show in the 60’s. The shirtless dude with no body fat doing his freaky-deaky arm-wavey dance? He was at every show.


Obviously, Pig is not playing the gargantuan Hammond B3 organ that was his usual instrument; that is a far more portable (and affordable) Vox Continental, and it is unbelievably cool.

See? Sounds good, too:



Pigpen On The Wing

“There’s a time for ev’rything, but that don’t mean ev’rything happens at the right time. You follow?”


“Birthdays come ’round real regular. Baseball season, I guess. Rest o’ life doesn’t announce itself.”

You okay, buddy?

“The ol’ Pig is in some damn dramatic lighting!”

I can tell.

“Makin’ me all meaningful like I got oracles in my belfry!”

You were very good at it.

“The ol’ Pig’s good at lots of stuff.”

Like what?



“Havin’ the blues!”


“Pullin’ my motorcycle off to the side of the road when I see a fox, and givin’ her my rap!”

Also correct.

“It’s a good life, if ya don’t weaken.”

You always tell the truth, Pig.

Someone Steal That Man’s Razor

A reminder: Never wear your boots like that unless OSHA demands that you do so.

A further reminder: “Body Positivity” is a scam invented to sell products–some cheese-covered, some not–to fat people.

A farther reminder: Nick Paumgarten fucking loves mountains. Climbing ’em, sliding down ’em, getting drunk with rich fuckers at the base of ’em: the man’s a catholic slopist.

A father’s reminder: Get your hair cut and tell your mother you love her.

A farmer’s reminder: The Grange meeting is Tuesday night.


Does Anyone Have Some Cokes For The Band?

Hey, Pig.

“You know…if the ol’ Pig was as pretty as that boy right there, there’d be no safe distance! That face and my rap? My behavior would scandalize th’ gentry! Chamber o’ Commerce’d have to do somethin’! Maybe put out an official statement, I dunno.”

You’re a handsome man, Pig.

“Pull th’ other one! It plays Jingle Bells!”

Stop that.

“The ol’ Pig knows what he’s workin’ with! My daddy used t’ say: Piglet, y’ got a face like Mussolini takin’ a shit! And he was right! Coulda said it a little nicer, but right!”


“I was little when he said that t’ me!”

Well, he was wrong. I think you’re beautiful, buddy.

“Hold up there now, Yojimbo! The ol’ Pig might live in San Francisco, but not that part o’ San Francisco!”

Oh, knock it off. Take a compliment.

“You’re right. I’m workin’ on that very ability! Should be good at it by, oh, ’bout 1980 or so.”

You just need a little more time.

“Thass all any of us needs! Pretty soon, we all gonna be as good as we can get ourselves!”

You said it.

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