Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Precarious?
“Yo.”
What was the presentation concept here?
“This was all the speakers we had.”
You didn’t answer my question.
“Pretty sure I did.”
Was there any thought given to the aesthetics?
“I think Weir was wearing a tank top. Girls seemed to dig that.”
It’s just so janky.
“1978, man. Janky-ass year.”
Sure.
Precarious?
“Yo.”
What the fuck?
“The monitor situation?”
Yeah.
“This was Mickey’s idea. He wanted to give the crowd a chance to adjust the levels. He said it would break down the barrier between the band and the audience, or some shit like that.”
How did it work?
“Poorly. Y’see those footlights?”
Yes.
“They burn at around 800 degrees. A couple kids’ arms straight-up melted to the bulb.”
That’s not what you want.
“That’s not what anyone wants.”
Precarious?
“Yo.”
How you holding up?
“This corona shit’s for pussies. Back in ’82, we had something going around called groupie pox.”
That sounds terrible.
“Contracting it was fun.”
Sure. Small question about the microphones on Bobby’s speaker cabinet.
“Okay.”
Why four?
“There’s not four. Look careful. There’s five.”
Why?
“Weir had been complaining about wanting a fuller sound. So we did that to shut him up. I think only one mic is actually plugged in.”
Placebo mics?
“Essentially.”
Always something new with this band.
“Never boring, though. Except when we’d play Indianapolis. That was always boring.”
Precarious?
“Yo.”
I have further questions.
“Figured.”
Why did the rigging fail?
“It didn’t fail. If it had failed, Phish would be on the phone with John Mayer right now. That rig froze.”
Okay. Why did the rigging freeze?
“Nerves?”
Stop that.
“Hell, ya got me. We never did shit like this in the Dead. Things were either on the floor or hanging from the ceiling, but not both. Fly systems are complicated as hell. Lotta Peter Pans have died over the years.”
I don’t know about that.
“Weir wanted to do this once. Fly around like a fairy.”
Sounds right. You said no?
“Course not. The band gets what it wants. So we tied a rope to his belt, tossed it over a light stanchion, and swung him back and forth until he puked.”
Good problem-solving.
“We were known for that.”
Precarious?
“Yo.”
When did you start working for Phish?
“Just consulting. Keep my hand in.”
And did you consult on this?
“Yeah.”
Figures.
“Hey, I tried to tell ’em: If you’re gonna suspend someone from the ceiling for a New Year’s thingy, make it someone whose death won’t fuck up the tour.”
Right.
“We nearly killed Walton a couple of times. And that would’ve been sad. But the band would’ve made the next dates. Gotta think with your business head.”
They didn’t take your advice.
“Nope. They also didn’t listen when I told ’em it would be cheaper to just buy a shitload of acid, pass it out to the crowd, and not do any special effects. We used to do that shit all the time. People loved it.”
It’s not 1971 anymore, Precarious. You can’t hand out hallucinogens to the public.
“Pussies.”
Precarious?
“Yo.”
That doesn’t look sturdy.
“The speakers?”
Yeah.
“Good eye. Not sturdy. Virtually no sturd at all. Sturdless, really.”
I just feel like the base of the structure should be wider for how high it is, and how much those speakers probably weigh.
“Good feeling. You’re batting a thousand.”
Was there any discussion within the Road Crew as to bolstering the towers?
“Little bit. Ramrod said something.”
And?
“We all called him a word you keep you telling me I’m not allowed to use anymore.”
Ah.
“Fag.”
We all knew what the word was.
“So what you see there is the architectural definition of ‘the least we could do.’ Maybe we could done less in a moral or mathematical sense, but architecturally? That’s rock bottom. Remove one piece and it all falls down. I’m kinda proud of us.
You shouldn’t be.
“And you shouldn’t be such a pussy, but here we are.”
Hey, Keith. Whatcha doing?
“Hurmphle drup. Blaaaaah. Glunth.”
Uh-huh. You all right, pal?
PIANO PLAYER SLUMPING GRACELESSLY TO THE FLOOR NOISE
Okay, then.
…
Precarious?
“Yo.”
Keith collapsed.
“Yeah, he does that.”
Why was he set up out front, anyway?
“Makes it easier to get to him when he collapses.”
Logic.
My God.
“Yo.”
Precarious, I have only one question.
“Is it ‘What the fuck?'”
Yes. Yes, it is.
“I’m not gonna lie to you: We thought it was funny.”
Where did you even get windsocks?
“Those are Brent’s clothes.”
Really?
“Yup. Jeans on the left. That’s one of his tee-shirts on the right.”
Why?
“I told you: We thought it was funny.”
It’s kinda funny.
“We left his wallet in the pants. He cried a little.”
Hell of an organization.
Pre–
“Yo.”
–carious Lee? Oh, hey. I have more questions about this.
“Figures. Shoot.”
What the fuck, man?
“The speakers?”
Obviously. Among other things, but obviously the speakers and their configuration is our primary focus. Are they being held up by the power of suggestion?
“Among other things.”
Like rope?
“Could be. I personally don’t recall tying anything down, but someone definitely could have.”
Wow. My further line of inquiry concerns the overall jankiness.
“Lotta jank with the Dead, yeah.”
This picture has been placed at Silver Stadium in Rochester, New York, and dated to 6/30/88.
“If you say so.”
This was a show at Silver Stadium in June of 1986:
“Okay.”
Professionalism could be achieved in 1986. It wasn’t ’72 anymore.
“And yet the kids came.”
Every other band was right to work their crews like dogs.
“Good thing I don’t work for one of them. We ran into those guys a couple times.”
Who?
“Those Van Halen jagoffs. Mike’s okay, but the brothers like getting drunk and biting people. They’re vicious little fuckers. And Bobby’s terrified of David Lee Roth.”
Why?
“Instinct. For most of the people he meets, David Lee Roth inspires a fight-or-flight response.”
I can see that. Precarious, could you look at one last photo, please?
“Do it to it, chief.”
This is, once again, the Grateful Dead at Silver Stadium in Rochester, New York, on the 30th of June, 1988.
“Need a little zoom-and-enhance on that one.”
No, I like the long view that shows just how bush a league could be. That, sir, is the limit of bush. No league can contain more bush than that. That picture represents the exterior of infinity.
“What you need to remember about our audience–”
Don’t use the drug excuse.
“–is that they were on drugs. It’s true. Most of ’em spent the show staring at a stranger’s neck.”
Stop it. A couple of tie-dye banners. Some curtains to hide the exposed machinery. A proscenium. Something. Anything. You could have done anything and it would have been an improvement, as this is the bare minimum. You stacked heavy shit up, plugged it in, and cracked a beer.
“We were drinking beer while stacking shit up and plugging it in.”
I expect more out of the Grateful Dead’s road crew.
“Why?”
…
“Yo.”
I didn’t call for you, Precarious.
“You were gonna.”
Yeah. I was just stunned into silence. Dude, what the fuck?
“Be more specific.”
I cannot. The lack of aesthetics and basic safety requirements is all-pervasive. The stage looks like a Radio Shack, but not a good one; the Radio Shack in the bad mall, where the knife fights break out every so often. The bad mall wasn’t always the bad mall, but the economy and demographics and all that. Used to be a place that sold fancy popcorn. Flavored, seasoned, nice packaging. Now there’s nine stores that sell baseball caps. Time will do her marching, Precarious.
…
“You got a question?”
I asked it: What the fuck?
“Their choice of apparel and instrument is on them.”
Granted. Do you remember why Garcia was wearing his going-to-court jacket on stage?
“I do not.”
Did the road crew make fun of Bobby’s pink guitar?
“Obviously.”
Was there any thought whatsoever given towards purchasing a tie-dyed scrim to hide some of the more unattractive geegaws and wedged monitors?
“Obviously not.”
Why not?
“This way is easiest for us.”
A performance stage shouldn’t be set according to the laziness of the road crew.
“Not lazy. Efficient.”
What about the tower of speakers behind band?
“Yeah, maybe that was a little lazy. We probably should have set up the rigging.”
Wooden palettes and a forklift, right?
“How else would you do that?”
Holy shit, those cabinets at the top aren’t even strapped down, are they?
“I don’t recall anyone dying, so we must have done it right.”
That’s not how that works.
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