Tanned, Rested, And Reddish

Oh, for fuck’s sake. What are you doing here, Senator Warren?

“How.”

Fuck.

“Me big-um chief Massachusetts tribe. Me bring much wampum to honor the Great Duck.”

The Great Duck?

“Him have powerful magic.”

Okay, knock this shit off.

“I’m embracing my Cherokee heritage. Would you care for some maize?”

No.

“That’s what my people call ‘corn.'”

I know, and this has to stop.

“Yes, it does have to stop. That’s why I released the results of my DNA test today. To prove that I’m actually Cherokee.”

THAT DOESN’T MATTER, DUMMY!

“Don’t yell at me. Do you want to smoke a peace pipe?”

GODDAMNED DEMOCRATS! Every last one of you is as useless as dollars in the desert! The facts don’t matter here! Do you think the nimrods that have been chanting ‘Pocahontas’ at you since Basketball Head started that racist bullshit care about the facts!? These are people who voted for Donald Trump! Your fucking SCIENCE isn’t gonna sway ’em!

“Your words are foolish, young brave. I walk with the spirits of–”

THUNK

“–the ancestors and…an arrow?”

“Ha! Dead in the sternum. Always was a crack shot.”

Dammit, President Nixon. You can’t bow-hunt Senators.

“I couldn’t handle the amateurishness of the woman. Never explain, you understand? Once they have you explaining, then they have you by the balls. These are, uh, metaphoric balls, of course.”

Sure.

“I was, uh, not implying that Senator Warren possesses testicles.”

No, sir.

“Although there’s an awful lot of that going around. Especially in Massachusetts. This is the Irish influence, of course. The night does something to those people. People blame the drink, but that’s a symptom. Darkness. The Irish fear the night.”

I guess?

“Never explain! Then you’re playing their game. Change the game by attacking. You must counter, never defend. Go after his finances. Accuse him of being jealous of Indians, because their casinos don’t go bankrupt. One learns this during childhood. This is basic.”

I agree, sir.

“And this is what the Democrats have to offer in 2020? My God. It will be a bloodbath. There’s only one option to free the country from the degenerate’s tiny paws.”

And that is?

“Nixon will run as a Democrat.”

Sir, that’s absurd.

“Look at Nixon’s policies. Gun control. Universal health care. Disastrous foreign wars. If anything, I would have to swing to the right. It’s settled, yes. Nixon’s the one. Bring me the Time Sheath.”

No, sir.

“You’ll regret this, boy. I’ll get it some other way.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.