Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Irishman

  • Three of Elizabeth Taylor’s marriages were shorter, and contained fewer lies, than The Irishman.
  • Cuz nothing that happened, happened.
  • The Irishman will have you believe that Robert De Niro committed every crime of the 20th century.
  • Hoffa.
  • Joey Gallo.
  • Albert Anastasio.
  • Judge Crater.
  • Remember when Baby Jessica fell down that well?
  • According to The Irishman, it’s because Robert De Niro threw her in there.
  • Taking only the 45-hour-long movie I just watched as historical evidence, Robert De Niro cut a miraculous and murderous path through the post-war years while interacting with fabulous American personalities up and down the social register.
  • Just like Forest Gump did.
  • Everyone else who writes about this movie is gonna use the phrase “meditation on aging,” but they’re not gonna tell you that the film is a rip-off of Forest Gump.
  • Never trust movie critics.
  • Or movie buffs.
  • Never trust a buff of any sort, actually.
  • Civil War buffs are the worst, I suppose: warped bastards with a gangrene fetish who like to vacation in fields full of dead teenagers.
  • But movie buffs are pretty bad.
  • They always want you to watch Solaris.
  • I don’t wanna watch Solaris.
  • I don’t wanna watch the other Solaris, either.
  • LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME WATCH CARTOONS AND KUNG FU MOVIES.
  • Oh, and “elegy.”
  • I guarantee that you will not read a single piece about The Irishman without “elegy” in there somewhere or other.
  • Here’s every single review:
  • “The Irishman is an elegiac meditation on aging, and Scorsese’s best since [INSERT MOVIE THAT IS NOT THE ONE ABOUT THE MONKS WITH KYLO REN AND SPIDER-MAN HERE].”

  • But you will not get that here.
  • What will you get?
  • I dunno; maybe I should just keep typing and we’ll both find out together.
  • (In case you’re wondering: Casino is Scorsese’s last great film, because Casino is his last epic that does not star Leonardo DiCaprio. Plus, Casino features Don Rickles as a character named “Billy Sherbert,” and that’s the kind of attention to detail I enjoy in my motion pictures.)
  • Anyway, Robert De Niro plays the Irishman, whose name I am already forgetting.
  • Joe Pesci’s character was called Russell Bufalino, which is easy to remember.
  • First off, there simply aren’t a lot of major crime figures in American history named “Russell.”
  • And “Bufalino” is a both a cheese I enjoy, and sounds kinda dirty.
  • 60-70% of all Italian names sound like euphemisms for anal sex.
  • (This is not a comment on the Italian people. They’re lovely; tasty bread; fine automobiles. All their names sound like what you’d call butt-fucking if you were discussing the subject in front of your grandmother.)
  • So, Joe Pesci is a bigshot in the Philly mob.
  • A pezzonovante, a real .90 caliber.
  • He falls in love with Mumbles.
  • (I will be referring to Robert De Niro as “Mumbles” hereafter.)
  • They meet in restaurants a lot and dip bread in wine.
  • I guess that’s a thing.
  • Dunking a doughnut in coffee?
  • I’ve heard of that.
  • Hell, they based a whole franchise around the activity.
  • But I never seen nobody dipping no bread in no wine, no how.
  • Joe Pesci says,
  • “I got a job for you. Go whack Big Grande Testiculoni.”
  • And Mumbles says,
  • “Mrphrhpmmphrh.”
  • And goes and kills the guy.
  • About 90 minutes of that.
  • The entire running length of the 1998 documentary A Night At The Roxbury, that’s all that happens.
  • “Go kill Nipples Arrividerci.”
  • “Mrphrhpmmphrh.”
  • Dip dip dip.
  • Repeat until Al Pacino shows up and starts yelling.
  • Wait.
  • No.
  • Excuse me, I’ve made an error.
  • Al Pacino was not in this movie.
  • His over-acting twin brother All Pacino was.
  • Al has been sending All in his stead since the late 90’s.
  • And when you get All Pacino, you get ALL PACINO.
  • You get the shouting, you get the ranting, you get the lines that go from whispers to THROAT-SHREDDING YOWLS in the space of one word.
  • If you were to ask All Pacino where he was on a scale of 1 to 10, he would answer “FUCK YOURSELF” and then take a shit in his own pants just to prove he’s the master of his destiny.
  • Anyway, Mumbles falls in love with All Pacino.
  • This makes Joe Pesci and his enormous eyeglasses jealous.
  • The Irishman is secretly a deeply gay movie.
  • Of course, Mean Streets and Raging Bull were also homosexual love stories.
  • And The Last Waltz, too.
  • You can’t convince me that Scorsese and Robbie Robertson weren’t fucking each other.
  • At the least, they were hand-helping one another.
  • Which is not gay, especially if you do it to a John Ford film.
  • Seriously, none of this shit is true.
  • Read this.
  • Did you not read that?
  • This is from that; look at it:

  • Did you look at that?
  • Makes you wanna read the thing it’s from, huh?
  • Horseshit, all of it.
  • Faker than the CG blood squibs that arise from the newly-retired gangsters.
  • The Irishman contains just as much reality as, oh, say, I dunno…
  • Wait for it.
  • …a superhero film.
  • BOOM!
  • GOT YOU, SCORSESE!
  • Some of the movie’s assertions are prima facie stupid for anyone who knows anything about the Mob.
  • According to The Irishman, Joey Gallo got shot by Mumbles for insulting Joe Pesci at the Copa.
  • Which is not how it went down.
  • Joey had just gotten out of jail for starting a gang war, and was now attempting to start another one.
  • Pretty much everyone but Jerry Orbach wanted him dead.
  • (Joey Gallo was good friends with Jerry Orbach. Long story. The 70’s were weird.)
  • WAIT!
  • I FORGOT THE BEST PART!
  • Apparently, we are to believe that Mumbles was part of the Bay of Pigs.
  • He drove the truck full of guns and grenades and whatnot down to Florida.
  • Killed Hoffa.
  • Murdered Crazy Joe Gallo.
  • AND armed the Cuban exiles who disastrously tried to retake their home with the aid of the CIA.
  • I’m shocked that Mumbles wasn’t on the grassy knoll.
  • I am not kidding: Ant-Man is more believable than this pile of well-shot garbage.
  • You heard me.
  • Garbage.
  • Don’t cum in my hair and tell me it’s pigeon poop, Martin Scorsese.
  • Especially the last four hours or so when Mumbles is old.
  • And we’re supposed to feel bad for him.
  • His daughter won’t speak to him.
  • Just because he, you know, murdered all those people.
  • And funded her childhood with blood money.
  • Then–FUCKING THEN–we get a scene where the FBI comes to visit ol’ dyin’ Mumbles.
  • He don’t give ’em nothing.
  • That’s a man, the film tells us.
  • Never opened his mouth.
  • EXCEPT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK.
  • No matter which version of the truth The Irishman decides to go with, everyone involved looks shitty.
  • But I’ll give Scorsese this: I watched the whole fucking thing.
  • And I really want to rewatch Casino.

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    December 1, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    I want to see De Niro in The Cat: The Emile Francis Story.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dFue0YJNx58

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