• Charisma is free-floating, Enthusiasts; I’ve said it before.
  • It doesn’t necessarily come packaged with looks or talent or brains, or the pompatous of love.
  • Sometimes it sticks itself to pure idiots.
  • Example: our current reality.
  • QED.
  • If you haven’t watched Tiger King: Mullets, Monkeys, and Meth on Netflix, then go do so now.
  • We’ll wait.
  •  CASUAL WHISTLING FOR AROUND SIX HOURS NOISE
  • Hell of a ride, huh?
  • Bet you didn’t see that coming.
  • Each of you thought of a different antecedent to that, and you are all correct: Tiger Beat is the least predictable documentary I’ve ever seen.
  • Some are comparing this to Wild Country, but WC was a by-the-book paranoia parable.
  • Halfway through the first episode, you knew the Rajneeshis were gonna be heavily armed sooner than later.
  • Not so with Tiger Dong.
  • This fucker’ll juke on ya, and then go in for the kill.
  • You’re sitting there, self-isolating as per CDC recommendation and guzzling fish tank cleaner as per the President’s tweet, feeling a bit woozy, and then BAM she’s got no arm because OF COURSE her arm was eaten by a tiger, and you’re trying to process this information from behind your smarmy little college puke biases when SHWAZOOM who got fed to the tigers now?
  • It’s a bit nerve-racking.
  • Like a white trash Safdie Brothers film.
  • (A note on the term “white trash”: I generally don’t prefer to employ that term, as it is classist, bigoted, and othering. But Tiger Style forces one. There’s simply no alternative descriptor for the trailer park shenanigans going on here.)
  • Y’know how much shit happened in TK?
  • (I’m gonna stop coming up with new wacky names for the series; the joke’s run its course.)
  • So much shit happened that you totally forgot about the ex-drug trafficker and his secret zoo in Miami.
  • So much shit happened that you don’t remember whether there were two or three arsons, do you?
  • Generally, one exits a piece of entertainment knowing precisely how many arsons it contained.
  • The much-beloved gritty cop thriller Serpico, for example, contains no arson.
  • I know that off the top of my head, and I haven’t seen Serpico in years.
  • But I can’t tell you exactly how many times Joe Exotic set his own zoo on fire.
  • He did it a lot!
  • Once, he boiled some alligators.
  • Not on purpose.
  • He was trying to burn down his teevee studio, but the gator enclosure was right next door and the fire heated up the gator’s water
  • Y’know that old bullshit about how if you put a frog in a pan on water and slowly bring up the temperature, the frog won’t leap out?
  • That probably doesn’t apply to alligators.
  • I bet those poor fuckers were trying real hard to get out of there.
  • They were Michael Jackson’s alligators, too.
  • You wouldn’t do that to LaToya, would you?
  • No, you would never boil the multi-talented LaToya Jackson alive.
  • But Joe Exotic did.
  • (I am more sure that Joe Exotic voted for Trump than I am that Donald Trump, Jr., voted for Trump. Every single participant in this documentary voted for Trump, actually, except for the lady who fed her husband to the tigers, who voted for Jill Stein.)
  • As with most issues, the world’s societies fall along a spectrum regarding the question of tiger ownership.
  • I would imagine Switzerland frowns on it.
  • All of Scandinavia seems anti-tiger.
  • “Why are you desiring to own a creature such as this? It is not docile, and will present many dangers to the community at large. Perhaps your desire for this animal hints at an underlying mental problem. You should avail yourself of some free healthcare. No tiger for you.”
  • And then there are countries where if you can get a tiger, then you can have a tiger.
  • America’s one of those countries.
  • Parts of it, at least: the states you think allow tiger ownership do, and the ones you think don’t, don’t; obviously, you can’t own a tiger in Massachusetts.
  • Most places require a permit, which is something to remember if one of your lunatic neighbor’s tigers gets loose and tries to eat you.
  • I use “tiger” as synecdoche for the entire menagerie that Joe Exotic and his compatriots amass in their backyards.
  • (Didn’t think we were gonna get synecdochic up in here, did you? That’s the content TotD provides in this, your hour upon hour upon hour of need. You’re welcome.)
  • Sometimes the animals get loose.
  • Go read this.
  • Tigers are terrible neighbors.
  • You don’t wanna live next door to people who play their music too loud, or cook stinky food, or don’t keep up their lawns, but tigers are worse.
  • I lived next to a crust punk squat in Los Angeles, and that was not great, but none of the crust punks weighed 600 pounds and wanted to eat me.
  • They were skinny vegans, mostly.
  • If you’re given the choice between camping next to crust punks or tigers, go with the punks every time.
  • Here are the animals that non-farmer human beings should be anywhere fucking near:
    • Dog.
    • Kitty, upon kitty’s permission.
    • Bird that happen to be in your presence.
    • One o’ them little skittery lizards that fidget and flee.
    • Horse, if that’s what you’re into; personally I don’t get it, but some people like horses and they’re free to do so.
  • And that’s it.
  • Obviously, farmers may have cows and chickens and whatnot.
  • Are you gonna talk about the show or not?
  • I wander through topics like a frolicking schoolgirl!
  • Ew.
  • Watch me traipse gleefully!
  • Just get back to the point.
  • Suck my dong.
  • Anyway, if there is a major criticism to be leveled against TK, it is that it does not reveal the depths of Joe Exotic’s loathsomeness, instead enclownifying him, pre-memifying him.
  • He is not the adorably flamboyant naif the documentary presents.
  • There’s a lotta shit the show left out.
  • That asshole was breeding fucked-up mutant cats as fast as he could, and he boiled those gators, and he absolutely tried to have that lady killed, and a bunch of of other stuff.
  • She may have deserved it.
  • I’m not saying she didn’t.
  • She fed her husband to tigers, and I believe that The Lord shall seek retribution for that deed.
  • Or maybe the legal system could look into it again.
  • But I do not believe that her crimes should be punished by Joe Exotic.
  • A RELATED QUESTION: How was the court able to impanel a jury for the trial?
  • A jury is made up of one’s peers.
  • Find me a peer of Joe Exotic.
  • There ain’t a dozen in the world like that boy.
  • Is he a criminal?
  • Only if you take his crimes into account.
  • Is he a lover, a fighter, a fierce protector of the animal kingdom?
  • Yes, if you ask him.
  • RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:
    • The show left out that Joe Exotic owned a bar across the street from the zoo called the Safari Bar, and HOLY SHIT I wish I could have hung out there; the Safari Bar must have been a party.
    • Kudos for the decision to never explain Joe Exotic’s knee brace.
    • There is no look more contemptible than “rich biker dude.”
    • The lady who fed her husband to the tiger’s new husband is the dictionary definition of “cuck.”
    • That legless fucker got around like magic.
    • White people who change their names to Indian bullshit are the worst white people.
    • Tiger cubs are cute as fuck, yo.
    • Zoos should be outlawed, even the nice ones, but especially the janky ones.
  • Imagine you’re a tiger.
  • Furry, orange, cranky.
  • You should be in Asia, in some thick woods somewhere between India and Vietnam, with a whole side of a mountain to yourself.
  • But you have been conceived, born, and whelped in Oklahoma, and cuddled by schmucks as a cub, and now reside in a steel-ish cage the size of a starter home.
  • You know of no other life, and neither do the older tigers, and they couldn’t tell you about it if they did.
  • Do you know?
  • Do you know something’s wrong, and that a dreadful mistake has been made?
  • Can you not conceive of the world as it should be, but know that the world as it is is fucked?
  • Strangers in a strange zoo.
  • Anyway, when does the General Strike start?