Sunlight, we are told, is the best disinfectant. We are told this by non-doctors: try sitting out on the deck with an open wound and see where that gets you. What you wanna do is take a slug of whiskey straight from the bottle, pour most of what’s left on the injury, make a manly face, guzzle the rest of the booze, and then say something like “Today was supposed to be my day off.” Do not use the rays of the sun as a medical treatment, Enthusiasts. (Unless you have a Vitamin D deficiency.)
But transparency does wonders for government, in theory, which is why political donations are open records and thus we can know that Phil thinks Beto is neat-o. Does Phil like Beto strictly because they both play bass guitar? No. Does Phil like Beto mostly because of the bass thing? Well, it’s either that or the man’s accomplishments, such as being tall and having hair.
But who are the other Grateful Deads supporting in the 2020 race? TotD breaks it down for you:
BOBBY
John Hickenlooper. (Longtime friends from Bohemian Grove.)
BILLY
Believes that donating to politicians “just encourages ’em.”
MICKEY
Andrew Yang, but tells everyone he’s a Bernie guy.
JOSH MEYERS
Only contributes secretly to Super PAC’s. (“Hey, Republicans buy singles, too.”)
OTEIL
Cory Booker, but it’s not the black thing; it’s the barefoot vegan yoga thing.
PIGPEN
Kamala Harris, and it is the black thing.
JEFF CHIMENTI
Chimenti goes with the candidate with the best hair, and so Chimenti is a Tim Ryan man.
MRS. DONNA JEAN
Whatever Republican challenges Trump in the primary, but not Bill Weld. (“Ah ain’t openin’ mah purse f’r no Brahmin, sugar.”)
KEITH
No donations, dead.
BRENT
No donations, dead.
VINCE
No donations, dead.
TC
No donations, broke.
GARCIA
Never even voted when he was alive, so why should he get involved now?
The extra comma’s after Phil’s name are grammatically correct. Each comma indicates that the letter preceding the comma is to be enunciated again: “Phil-l-l-l”.