Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Month: March 2018 (Page 3 of 9)

A Likely Story

Bobby, what the fuck?

“And, uh, ‘hi’ to you, too.”

When did you start reviewing concerts?

“Four years from now.”

Care to explain?

“Sure. I remember it as if it were tomorrow.”

Stop being so casual about causality.

“This was 1978. Cartermania was in full swing. That humble Georgian had lifted America’s spirits.”

Your last two sentences are completely incorrect.

“We were in Nashville, which is called Music City. Now, the buildings aren’t physically made of music, if that’s what you were thinking.”

I wasn’t.

“I made sure.”

Continue.

“We do our show on Saturday night to, like, twelve people. And, you know, not attractive. It was a small, ugly crowd. I wanted them to find their bliss, but I wanted them to do it elsewhere, you get me?”

I do.

“Backstage after the show, someone tells me that Bootsy Collins is gonna be there the next night. I say, ‘Catfish’s brother?’ And they say, ‘Yeah.’ So, I gotta go.”

Bootsy, baby.

“Place was packed. And not ugly. I mean, the Dead sells out a lot, but the crowds are still unpleasant to look at. Lotta dudes in blue jeans who just threw up. Or are about to throw up. Instead, it was wall-to-wall suits and dresses. And the crowd was, uh, different than ours in other ways. Well, one way.”

Black crowd.

“Is that what we’re saying now? ‘Black?'”

That’s what we’re saying in the now when I am. In the now when you are, God only fucking knows what you’re saying. Let’s stick with black.

“No one was barefoot. Not a one. Guys had ties on. And not just normal ties: massive suckers. There were Windsor knots the size of grapefruits. And the ladies all had their hair did.”

Black people dress up for stuff more than white people do.

“It’s preferable, I gotta tell ya. They smelled better, too. There was some Hai Karate, there some Brut by Faberge. Quite a bit of cocoa butter. Much nicer than our fans. Our fans smell like balls. By, like, the fourth or fifth show in a tour? You’ll be onstage and all you can smell is balls. Summers are the worst.”

True.

“I got steamed. My dander went right up. And, uh, I went back to the hotel and I wrote an open letter to the Deadheads. Asking them, you know, to shower and cut a more refined figure. And also fill up the venue.”

Okay.

“But, as you know, I’m dyslexic so the open letter came out a concert review.”

No.

“And I figured ‘Waste not, want not’ and sent it in to the paper.”

No. That’s not what happened. That’s not how dyslexia works.

“I have a very individualized form of the disorder.”

You’re not gonna tell me, are you?

“I don’t honestly remember the incident in the slightest.”

Good answer.

Ahh…The Name Is Bobby, Baby!

From the quicksand that is Grateful Seconds–seriously: you get sucked in and don’t emerge for hours–comes this left-fielder. Our own Bobert Herbert Walker Weir doing some stringer duty for the Nashville Tennessean as a concert reviewer back in ’78. The Dead had played Municipal Auditorium the night before (4/22/78) to a half-full room, and were off for the evening before another show in Normal, IL, on the 24th. It appears that the troupe stayed in Nashville on the 23rd, which is understandable, and Bobby picked up some side work.

Those are the facts, Enthusiasts. This is what we know. What is left are questions, and I don’t know how many. This is an NP problem, like the Travelling Salesman’s route: we will not know how long it will take us until we are finished. Let us begin.

  1. Did Bobby do this shit all the time?
  2. Are there local newspaper archives all around the country with Bobby’s byline hiding within?
  3. Did he ever review anything other than concerts?
  4. Movies?
  5. Restaurants?
  6. Did Bobby secretly have a Dave Barry-style humor column poking gentle fun at family life?
  7. How much of the show did Bobby actually watch? (If you read closely, there’s nothing in the review that couldn’t be gleaned by someone hanging out backstage.)
  8. Was there an actual typewriter involved?
  9. Or did Bobby call the copy desk from a pay phone and dictate the review from a spiral notebook?
  10. If so, was he wearing a fedora with a press pass stuck in the brim?
  11. For how long afterwards did Bobby make everyone call him Scoop?
  12. Is there a more Grateful Dead act than a member of the Grateful fucking Dead complaining that an act is too loud?
  13. Who went with?
  14. If Billy, was there a problem?
  15. Such as telling the joke about the kids jumping on the bed, and how to stop them?
  16. When the balloons dropped, did Bobby go, “Oooh.”
  17. What was Bobby’s reaction to the fog machine?
  18. Did he think there was a fire?
  19. Was there payment for this?
  20. Seriously: why the fuck did this happen?
  21. WAIT.
  22. Was the concert reviewer from the Nashville Tennessean a lanky, brunette fox that Bobby went to the show on a date with, and then she got him to do this?
  23. Was it a dare?
  24. Boredom?
  25. WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?

Call Me By Putin’s Name

“Russian Jenkins!”

“Da, sir.”

“Vhat did Putin tell you about comedic Russian accents?”

“Only you get to have one, sir.”

“Da. Putin is star of dialogue.”

“Yes, sir.”

“So many phone calls.”

“Well, you have so many phones.”

“Putin has most phones in vorld. Very important person.”

“You’re a VIP, sir.”

“Do nyet do that. Acronyms are for degenerates and the veak.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“China call. Say vonderful things. They have gift to honor Putin.”

“A gift? That’s lovely. What are they sending?”

“Not sending. Doing. Remember the thing in Singapore?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now is nyet thing in Singapore.”

“That’s a great gift.”

“Is just Putin’s size. And I am tough to shop for!

“Finding your Christmas present is always a nightmare for me, sir.”

“Vhat do you get the man who has killed everyone?”

“True, sir.”

“Cuba sent cigars.”

“Cuba always sends cigars.”

“Is their thing.”

“Has Chancellor Merkel called yet, sir?”

“She text.”

“Bitch.”

“Is mean lady. But Putin is vaiting on best call.”

“Him?”

“Da. You stay. Put on speaker.”

“I’m gonna laugh, sir.”

“Do nyet laugh!”

“He’s just so–”

RUSSIAN TELEPHONE NOISE

“It’s him, it’s him.”

“I’m so excited!”

“Do not make me judo you, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”

RUSSIAN PHONE PICKING-UP NOISE

“Da. Is Putin.”

“General?”

“Nyet. Is Putin.”

“General? Is this my General?”

“Goddammit, Mr. President, I’m standing right next to you.”

“I knew that and you know that I knew that, everyone says so. Who am I on the phone with? Tell me it’s not Mexico.”

“You’re on the phone with Vladimir Putin, sir.”

“Oh, he’s great.”

“Yes, sir. Now, please remember: don’t congratulate him.”

“Right, sure, congratulate him.”

“No. No, sir. Do not congratulate him.”

“Sure, of course, do not forget to congratulate him.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Putin can hear you two.”

“Vladimir!”

“Do nyet call me that.”

“President Putin!”

“Is better. Hello, Donald.”

“Congratulations!”

FORMER MARINE BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST AN OVAL WALL NOISE

“Spaceeba, Donald. This means ‘Thank you’ in Russian.”

“Beautiful language, just spectacular. There’s a lot of really, really gorgeous languages out there, but you can’t beat Russian. A lot of people would go with English, they’d say ‘The President is supposed to root for English,’ but I didn’t set the Electoral College on fire by listening to anyone. Mexican, not a great language. Whatever the hell that African thing is with the clicks and whatever, not great. I think they’re making it up! Fake language!”

“Da. Russian is tongue of poets.”

“Your election win was absolutely spectacular, President Putin. The people over there love you. Maybe even more than the American people love me, not that you’d know from the lying media who just want to report about chaos and gossip, and who don’t see–and so many people see this–that I’m getting things done for my country. We’re gonna start executing drug dealers.”

“Is good start. Must be strong, Donald.”

“Strong, sure, right, strong.”

“People vant strong hand to guide them. People are veak and foolish. Need powerful man to keep them safe.”

“I have some of the strongest hands anyone has ever seen.”

MUFFLED RUSSIAN GIGGLING NOISE

“Da, da. Such strong.”

“No one thought you could accomplish what you did in the election, but you proved them wrong.”

“Putin front on the haters.”

“True, great, true, sure. Listen, I gotta go. I got a bucket of KFC here and my show is on.”

“Sounds like you have busy day planned.”

“No President has ever worked harder than me. Maybe you, but I’m talking about Americans. None. Okay, it’s chicken time. I’ll call you later on the private line.”

“Da.”

AMERICAN PHONE HANGING UP NOISE

“Two things, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Vun: I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

“You’re having a good run.”

“Two: now Putin vant fried chicken.”

“I’ll call the kitchen.”

Odds And Ends

How about some reading material, Enthusiasts? Collected from around the innertubes and–dare I say–curated just for you out of love, respect, friendshipliness, all that nonsense: here are places to go, stuff to watch, balls to itch, petitions to sign, and one link that, when clicked upon, will hijack your computer in order to mine Bitcoin. (And, yes, you are right to find humor in the fact that mining Bitcoin is speeding up Climate Change; that shit’s deeply funny.) Here we go:

1.

There’s a school in Palo Alto, which is the town that services Stanford University, named Jordan Middle School. This is in honor of a former Stanford president named David Starr Jordan, who was born in Upstate New York in 1851. Now, Enthusiast, your average fellow or filly born in Upstate New York in 1851 would believe a whole bunch of bullshit we’d find abhorrent today, but DSJ wasn’t average: he advocated for the betterment of the blood, and if that sounds Nazi-ish to you, it should; Hitler stole many of DSJ’s ideas about eugenics.

He also may or may not have covered up the murder of his boss’ wife, or murdered her himself.

Naturally, there’s a movement–or, actually, several competing movements–to rename the facility. Some land on the side of efficiency and cost, pointing out that since the school doesn’t bear DSJ’s full sobriquet, just his last name, it would be easy to rechristen the building after Michael Jordan or Barbara Jordan or whomever. Others want to name it after Steve Jobs; these people are assholes.

There is, thankfully, a good idea: name the school after Pigpen. The ol’ Pig–when he was just a little bitty Piglet–went to Jordan Middle, where he studied Lovin’, Juicin’, and Makin’ It With Foxes; he also smoked cigarettes under the bleachers. TotD backs this plan, obviously, as Pigpen was not (as far as we know) a rabid eugenicist.

2.

Josh has a new guitar! It looks like this:

And no matter what you think, it’s not a Strat. Sure, your eyes are telling you that it’s a Strat, but who you gonna believe: Grammy-winner and clotheshorse Josh Meyers or your eyes? Look at the headstock! Totally not a Strat. Still don’t buy it? Well, go listen to him explain how it’s not a Strat for 40 minutes.

There’s a line from Shakespeare that applies here, methinks.

3.

Hey, guess who the Dead treated like second-class citizens? Did you guess “women?” Well, good for you, smartypants.

Hope, Pope

“Your Holiness.”

“Hey, Signore Presidente. How you doing?”

“Good, good. You, uhhhh, don’t need to do the handshake.”

“Is-a da soul brother handshake.”

“I recognized it. Unnecessary.”

“You give-a da dap?”

“Just a regular handshake is fine.”

“Okay. Up-a to you. Is-a nice place you got-a here.”

“The White House belongs to the people, Your Holiness. And, besides, it’s not much compared to where you live.”

“Si, si. Vatican make-a dis joint look like-a da dump. Where-a da frescoes?”

“No frescoes, Your Holiness.”

“Is-a da waste of-a da good ceiling! Put-a some naked bambinos with-a da wings up there!”

“I’ll look into it, Your Holiness.”

“Call-a me Jorge.”

“I, uhhhh, can’t do that.”

“Bueno. Was-a da trick. You call-a da Pope by-a his first name, you go straight-a to Hell.”

“Well, there’s no strictures against using a President’s first name. Please call me Barack.”

“Si, si. Barack.”

“That’s great.”

“Barack?”

“Yes, Your Holiness?”

“Why you no love-a da Jesus?”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“Benedict says you a secret Muslim.”

“Former Pope Benedict says a lot of things.”

“Si, si. And he say you murder someone named-a Ben Gozzy.”

“Is the former Pope just watching Fox News all day?”

“You betcha. And he don’t-a speak English so good, so he gets-a da stories confused.”

“I’m sorry you have to put up with that.”

“Is-a no picnic with that guy.”

“Now, Your Holiness, I just need to warn you: Joe Biden is going to come in here in a minute, and he’s liable to do just about anything.”

“People freak out when I hit-a da spot.”

“He’s just Catholic as all-get-out, Your Holiness. Probably gonna cry a little. Might, uhhhh, be a bear hug. Just stay on the balls of your feet.”

“Si, si. Barack?”

“Your Holiness?”

“As-Salaam-Alaikum.”

“Wa-Alaikum-SalaamDAMMIT.”

“I got you. You-a da secret Muslim.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“Si, si. Popes can keep-a da secrets.”

First Appearances In Little Aleppo

Winter slides into spring in Little Aleppo; it’s not like Back East, where the trees explode green in the course of a week and a new wardrobe is required all of a sudden. Coldest it gets–and this is deep into January and February–is the high 50’s, and the temperature gradualizes itself upwards throughout March until most days are around 70 until the end of June, when the mercury hits about 80 and stays there all summer (except for the three unbearably hot days of the Bake); reverse the process for the second half of the year. Little Aleppo’s climate was as gentle and predictable as she was not. There was no weather that would kill you quickly. Lightning, sure, but lightning kills you immediately. We’re talking about quickly. A couple minutes to an hour. Blizzards, for example. Or tornadoes or hurricanes, and the neighborhood was in the wrong hemisphere for cyclones or typhoons. There were no dust-making droughts because it rained every 18 days, and because it rained every 18 days there were a lot of trees that you could hide from the sun under so you would not exhaust, and stroke, and die.

But still spring sprung, just a bit, just subconsciously; it was a smell, some certain and prehistoric freshness. It wafted through the neighborhood and into windows while everyone was choosing their clothes. Pick the short skirt, the smell whispered; put on the sleeveless tee-shirt. And Little Aleppians did, and since it was 198-, the skirts were stretchy tube skirts and the shirts had flaking iron-on decals. Men’s shorts were tiny, and women’s hair was enormous. The Rollergirls were out in force, weaving between Toyotas and Buicks to their own headphone’d soundtracks, and quick-thieving pocketbooks and wallets out of open windows.

Everyone still had pubes.

“Ice cream.”

“No.”

“Ice creeeeeeeeeeeam.”

“That’s a much better argument,” Mr. Venable said.

“Thank you.”

“No.”

Augusta O. Incandescente-Ponui, whom everyone called Gussy, started shimmying before Mr. Venable’s desk, an off-kilter and sexless hula. She had dyed her hair yellow–not blonde, yellow–and she was still in her Catholic schoolgirl-skirt phase. Crisp white button-down shirt open to right below her silver crucifix and goat’s head. (Gussy was a Capricorn.) She had red-white-and-blue sweatbands on her wrists; she thought they looked cute. She was wearing the boots you are imagining she was wearing. The skirt did not sway with rhythm: it jerked back and forth like curtains having a seizure. Hucka hucka hoooom–Gussy was now accompanying her dance with her human beatbox routine–WOOM wicky wicky, and then she did something with her arms that was possibly the Swim, but objectively not the Monkey.

“Why is this happening?”

“Ice cream dance,” she said without stopping.

Mr. Venable was in his customary seat, and wearing his customary suit. His feet, in shapeless brown-black loafers, were up on the table he used for a desk, and he was reading Crenshaw Walls. He wrote cheap detective novels about Los Angeles, with lots of action and sex, but there was something about the sentences, the paragraphs, the hero–Ricky King–and his secretary, Honey Cielo, and the way the plot slid forward like a sunnyside egg off a metal spatula. All the murders were about sex or land deals, and the wealthy had different laws than the skint, and the cops were brutal and to be avoided. Mr Venable closed the paperback around his index finger.

“Stop the ice cream dance.”

“Can’t.”

The shimmying continued.

“Damn you, woman.”

“Give in to that ice cream feeling. It’s cold and lickable.”

“Calling something ‘lickable’ is not an advertisement.”

“Yummy semi-frozen lactose fat.”

“Are you trying to make it sound unappetizing?”

“Ice cream!”

“Mlaaaargh.”

This was from the cat, who had no name. She was a tortoiseshell who, prior to the Ice Cream Dance, had been happily asleep on that morning’s Cenotaph. The headline was the latest in a series of downers.

PRIMETIME GRIME,
CRIME CLIMBS!

And even though the headline didn’t technically mean anything, everyone got the drift. The cat was all black on her belly, and above that gray-speckled; she bridged herself and for a moment was the precise shape of the St. Louis Arch, but furrier and without an elevator. Gave all assembled a dirty look, leapt off the table, padded back into the rows of books and she was gone.

“You monster.”

“Ice cream monster.”

Now Gussy began singing.

Ice cream song
Sing it all ice cream day long.”

“Damn you, woman.”

The bell on the door to the bookstore with no title went TINKadink, and Mr. Venable slotted the key in the lock KCHACK and he and Gussy were on the Main Drag walking north.

“We are Nebuchadnezzar.”

“In what way?”

“Some way.”

“I agree,” Gussy said, and put her arm through his as though he were a gentleman. The evening was warm and the light was diffuse, soft, flattering: everyone looked plausibly sexual. They passed the Boogie Bug, and the Meaty Boy’s Chuckwagon, and half-a-dozen storefronts that were barren with windows protected by plywood. They passed the 37-Cent Store, which sold sneezed-on fruit and defective pencils.

Right turn on Pankow Street, which is where Sternwood & Tulle was located; no one in Little Aleppo knew why an ice cream shop needed such a fancy name. They had every flavor: Genocide by Chocolate, and Inverse Strawberry, and Pralines & Opium. You could get a cup, you could get a bowl, you could get a bucket if you were a disgusting pig with enough money; toppings included gummy Teddy Kenndys, caramel pepperoni, and jimmies of varying provenance; cones made of sugar or waffle or the teenager behind the counter would wing a pancake at your face. Only teenagers can scoop ice cream.

“Do you have any money?”

“You’re fired,” Mr. Venable said.

“Do we have any money?”

“None.”

“What about gold?”

“Less,” the Reverend Busybody Tyndale said.

Talks To Whites spat green at a ceder tree and eyed up the Reverend. Ten inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter. The majority of Whites that Talks To Whites had met were smaller than the Pulaski, but the Reverend was particularly tiny. His neck would snap in my hands, Talks To Whites thought. He imagined himself stepping forward and embracing Busybody like a dance partner, left arm around the back. Then, with the right, swift and precise punches to the ribs going up and down the cage, shattering each in turn. This was his fault, after all, all of this.

The Pulaski had lived in the valley that would later be called Little Aleppo for dozens of generations. The village was by the lake, which was fed by three streams that descended from the seven hills. They lived in kotchas, which were shaped like teepees, but made of strips of redwood bark with grasses to plug in the holes. The communal fire burned all day and night, and there was a storehouse for drying grains and meats next to it. The women of the village fished in the lake, and the men tended to the garden, which was north of the village in an oval patch of soil where everything grew. The foothills were wooded, and so was the basin plain beneath them; game was everywhere: rabbits and turkey and deer and bear.

The hills were a natural barrier against other people’s bullshit. For years, they had protected the Pulaski against other Natives’ bullshit, and then they were too much of a hassle for the Spaniards to bring their bullshit over; when the Spaniards became Californios, they maintained the same position. There was no mission in Little Aleppo. And for a while, they even kept out the Whites’ bullshit, but the Whites always had more bullshit up their sleeves.

“We have rifles and knives,” Talks To Whites said.

“Oh, no. Stop that talk.

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Please.”

Talks To Whites was leaning against an elm several hundred yards from the Pulaski’s new home to the south, in what used to be their hunting grounds. There was a clearing with a brook, but no lake. The Whites were now shitting in their lake. (The Pulaski also used to shit in the lake, but they did it more discreetly.) Kotchas were disassembled, humped a few miles, recast. The communal fire burned all day and night just as it had before. Perhaps it burned purer and more robustly, for the Pulaski were now protected not just by the Turtle Who Was And One Day Will Be Again, but by the United States government and all her armies and navies and even the banknotes.

A treaty had been signed.

The first White in the valley that would one day be called Little Aleppo was the Reverend Busybody Tyndale, who had been washed up on the Pulaski’s loamy shores by America’s storms. He was a Christian, and told people about it. The Reverend was enthusiastic in his preaching, and unencumbered by guile or a wife, so he tossed about the States: barracks in Wyoming, and whorehouses in Boston, and on trains traveling through Ohio in the middle of the night. He was from there, Ohio, a town called W——-g. It wasn’t his home. Busybody Tyndale lived in the Word, and he walked in the Gospel, and for years he followed his Bible around America shouting about Jesus.

He was in Cascabel, which is in Texas, when he lost sight of the Lord. The Whitworth girl, who was White, said that Jesse Pitcher, who was Black, had raped her. The Reverend had been preaching in town for room and board; he was rich in the Christ; the pitch was bubbling by the tree, and the town screamed vulgarity and slur, words that Busybody Tyndale did not use and did not note down in his journal. He did not also mention–not directly–that the Whites cut off his cock with a knife and laughed at his screams, then went back for the balls. It was tar, black and for roofing, and it was boiling and slopped onto Jesse’s thighs while the Mayor put the rope ’round his neck and his constituents let out a cheer, even moreso when the Mayor began cutting off toes and handing them out. The length was looped around the tree’s thick branch, and the men pulled Jesse up even as more pitch was applied. He shrieked and then his vocal chords went and he made no more noise. Busybody could see the train station from his vantage; there was a clock extending from its frontage. He noted the time. It took Jesse Pitcher 82 minutes to die. They lifted him up and dropped him down, and they cut small chunks from him and lifted him again.

The next morning, Busybody Tyndale headed Out West and did not stop until the ocean forced him to.

“What will they do?”

“Die. If we shoot them.”

“Yes. Yes, they will. But then there will be more,” Busybody said. “They’ll send the Army.”

“There is one pass in and out. We will defend it.”

“Forever?”

Talks To Whites said nothing, just spat green and leaned a little deeper.

“What the fuck else can we do?”

“Miss Valentine–”

“The woman who sells other women.”

“–affirmed that she would she would take care of the problem,” the Reverend said.

His black suit was more holes than suit, just ruined fabric in a coat-and-trouser formation, and his boots were caked with mud and shit from the Main Drag of the settlement that would soon be called Little Aleppo. It wasn’t a half-hour walk between the Whites and the Pulaski. Walk north from the communal fire through a mile of gentle woods, the rest was flat and grassy. You could do it in ten minutes if you were liquored up and on a horse.

Talks To Whites fished the rolled-up peregrine leaf from his mouth and flicked it away. The Reverend offered him a fresh one from his pocket. The Peruvians had coca, and the Whites had coffee, and the Africans had khat; the Pulaski had the peregrine leaf.

“Next time they come in to the village at night and someone stabs one…what then?”

“We have been promised.”

“We have.”

He walked away from the Reverend, south, his moccasins making no noise on the mossy ground. The Reverend looked back towards the settlement; he could see smoke rising, black and thick and boiling. He followed after Talks To Whites.

“Dolley Madison was a genius.”

“She didn’t invent ice cream,” Mr. Venable said.

“She did. In a shed out back of the White House. Then she served it to the Wright Brothers.”

“Where did you learn your history?”

“Paul Bunyan,” Gussy said.

“Go Blue Oxen.”

It was a springy evening, it was the springiest kind of evening, which is the first spring evening when the sky still has possibilities in it at seven o’clock; all the restaurants have thrown their doors open and the smells are sharper than the night before, or maybe your senses are keener

“Everyone’s a sexual pilgrim on the first day of spring.”

“In what way?”

“In some way,” Mr. Venable said, and licked his ice cream. He had mint chocolate chip. Gussy chose cookies-and-cream with rainbow sprinkles. His jacket pocket was jammed full of paper napkins.

“How long have you owned the shop?”

“Seems like forever.”

“But how long actually?”

“More than a few years.”

Gussy had been working for Mr. Venable for a little over a week, and still had not gotten a straight answer out of him. Even on the basic stuff, like what time to show up in the morning and her precise rate of pay. He had mentioned a commission system, but Gussy was certain that commission systems required writing down the transactions, whereas the cash register of the bookstore with no title was a drawer in the table Mr. Venable used as a desk. Or his coat pocket. Or pants pocket. More than once in the little over a week, he had asked her if she had change for a twenty, and–when she said yes–instructed the customer to buy the book from her. So there most likely was not a commission system in place. There was enough cash in the till, though, she figured, even if the till did not exist. The bell went TINKadink all day long: steady readers making their way through this author or that, and needful students, and collectors with their grades, and anxious parents, and weird fuckers searching for secrets.

They were still on Pankow heading west towards the Main Drag. They passed the Rookery, which was a bar frequented by small-time art dealers, and Japanese Ed’s Fish, which sold tropical fish and aquarium supplies, and Ed’s Japanese Fish, which was a sushi joint. She picked a napkin from his left jacket pocket, wiped her mouth, looked for a place to dispose of it, did not find one, kept looking; he yanked the napkin from her hand and put it in his right jacket pocket. Gussy smiled, and so did Mr. Venable, and then there was a man with a knife blocking their path.

“Money. Your money. Come on.”

“You’re joking,” Mr. Venable said.

“We’re in public, dude,” Gussy added.

She was right. Pedestrians streamed by on both sides, pretending not to see what was happening. Little Aleppians were Olympians when it came to pretending not to see things.

“Money. Now.”

The man waved the knife, which was large, about. His clothes were dirty, but not filthy, and his eyes were glazed. It had taken a couple to talk himself into it.

“Money. Let’s–”

And then a sound like OOFOO from the man, whose white sneakers were untied, as he collapsed to the ground. Mr. Venable and Gussy hitched up: they were about to run in the opposite direction, because they were from Little Aleppo and in Little Aleppo there is no shame in running in the opposite direction from a man with a knife. It is, in fact, the recommended course of action; your friends and family will question you if you do anything but. They were held in place by the sight of a massive figure piledriving the would-be mugger into the sidewalk. Had he come from the roof? The roof was five stories up.

Now the figure–in black, hooded–beat the mugger; learned kicks and punches designed to cripple and maim.

“Is he wearing a cape?”

“He is, yes,” Mr. Venable said.

There is no blood on the paving stones, as all the injuries were internal. The mugger was not getting up, not for months, and the figure–a man by silhouette–stood up far too straight and nodded at Mr. Venable and Gussy.

“You’re welcome,” he growled.

There was a device in his hand, relatively gun-shaped, that he aimed skywards and FSHWANG a hook attached to cabling shot out, and then the figure disappeared into the new spring night.

“That was new,” Gussy said.

“First appearance.”

“I’m sure it won’t be a huge deal.”

“Nah.”

They stepped over the mugger, whose legs and face were broken, and enjoyed their ice cream as they turned south on the Main Drag. Spring was springing all over the place in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Trump’s Lawyers Negotiate With The Special Counsel’s Office

As President Donald Trump’s reaction to special counsel Robert Mueller grows more irate by the day, attorneys on both sides sat down last week in a rare face-to-face discussion about the topics investigators could inquire of the President. It was the first in-person meeting after several weeks of informal discussions between the two sides, according to two sources familiar with the talks.

Mueller himself didn’t attend the meeting. But prosecutors including former Watergate prosecutor James Quarles III gave Trump’s lawyers enough detail that the President’s team wrote a memo with possible questions they expect to be asked of him. – CNN, 3/20/17

“Mr. Cobb.”

“Mr. Quarles.”

“I still can’t believe your name is Ty Cobb.”

“No one can. Did you have any trouble getting into the White House?”

“No, but I did notice a lot of people crying and fighting in the hallways.”

“The White House is a finely-tuned machine, Mr. Quarles. That’s normal for any workplace.”

“Stephen Miller is shooting up with his door open.”

“Finely-tuned machine. Shall we get to the point?”

“Yes. The Special Counsel’s Office has several fields of query in which we’d like to question the President.”

“We want to cooperate.”

“We’d like to ask him about his firing of James Comey.”

“We won’t cooperate with that.”

“Why not?”

“Just won’t.”

“That’s not a reason.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“‘Nuh-uh?’ That’s your legal argument? ‘Nuh-uh?'”

“I don’t know how to say it in Latin.”

“We’ll come back to James Comey. We have questions about Jeff Sessions’ meetings with Ambassador Kislyak.”

“Can you believe that guy’s still alive?”

“Shocker.”

“Right? And the President will not discuss Jeff Sessions’ meetings.”

“The reason being?”

“Executive Privilege.”

“Not how Executive Privilege works.”

“Doctor-patient confidentiality?”

“Stop that.”

“The President will under no circumstances take questions about any of AG Sessions’ meetings with Russians.”

“Wait. Meetings? Were there other meetings he had with Russians we don’t know about?”

“Nooooo.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. Cobb, let’s try this: what will your client discuss?”

“Oh, great. I have prepared a list. Let’s see: how about football?”

“What?”

“President Trump loves talking football.”

“That’s irrelevant to the investigation.”

“How about celebrity gossip?”

“Does the President enjoy celebrity gossip?”

“Very much so. Far more than you’d hope a Commander-In-Chief would, but that’s what makes him unique.”

“No gossip chat, thank you.”

“The next one I wrote down verbatim from the President.”

“Okay.”

“This isn’t my phrasing.”

“Gotcha.”

“We could talk pussy.”

“That sounds like him.”

“I assure you.”

“I believe you. But, uh, no. Let’s not discuss…whatever that would be.”

“The President gets remarkably graphic. He describes labia.”

“Didn’t need to know.”

DOOR OPENING NOISE

“General? Is my General here?”

“Mr. President, I’m in here with the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office.”

“General?”

“Sir.”

“Hopester?”

“Sir, tilt your head slightly down.”

“I saw you there, Ty. I’m the best at seeing people where they are. Ty, I’m about to send out another tweet, and many people think that my tweets were what got me into the White House. All the losers say, ‘Mr. President Trump, calm down with the tweets. Enough with the tweets.’ But they’re out there, and I’m a winner, beautiful tweets.”

“What does it say, sir?”

“I’m gonna call Mueller’s wife ugly.”

“Oh, please don’t do that, Mr. President.”

“Who is this? I know who this is because I do and you should believe me, but who is this?”

“This is the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office. James Quarles.”

“James, have you had lunch? We’re getting Wendy’s. The chicken sandwich over there is so fantastic, the best you’ll ever eat. Some people get it with mayo, but I like the full chicken taste. Gimme chicken on my sandwich. Fries are good. Not McDonald’s. Gotta be honest and say that. Obama wouldn’t say that, but he probably preferred Burger King. Those people like Burger King. Wendy’s?”

“No, thank you, sir.”

“You can get chili.”

“I’m fine, sir.”

“I’ll get you a chili. You’ll have chili. James?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I need loyalty.”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

“Sir! I think I heard Jared calling you. Maybe he solved the Middle East.”

“Jared? Jared? General?”

DOOR CLOSING NOISE

“Y’know what, Ty? We’ll agree to any conditions you want. Just get your guy in the room with us, okay?”

“He’s gonna perjure himself during the oath.”

“Oh, yeah.”

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