Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Month: May 2018 (Page 10 of 10)

All I Do Is Wing

May 4, 2018 / / 0 Comments

What are you doing?

“Hot Ones! It’s a hot wing challenge. You eat the wings as you get interviewed.”

There are porn stars less desperate for attention than you.

“What? It’s fun! You wanna talk about scovilles?”

No.

“I’m an expert on scovilles now.”

I’m sure you are. You know what’s just as fun as eating really spicy food?

“What?”

Slamming your nuts in a desk drawer.

“Dude.”

I mean, you’re trying to be macho, right?

“You just don’t get it.”

What don’t I get?

“How much I love talking about myself in front of cameras.”

You do love that.

“DON’T EAT THAT SHIT, KID!”

“Who is that?”

I have no idea.

“I’m helping you out, kid! Kings don’t do that!”

“It’s just a chicken wing, Khaled.”

…

“Oh.”

“You thought it was pussy?”

“I did. I thought it was pussy, yo.”

Okay, both of you: out.

A Call To The IT Desk

May 3, 2018 / / 11 Comments

Help me, Enthusiasts: you’re my only hope.

If you’re still hazarding a trek out, thank you; I know the entrance way has become dangerous-looking and sketchy. I hope I do not give you computer-AIDS, or even computer-herpes.

Here’s what’s happened: some time in between midnight and 9:00 am on 5/2, gremlins got into the machine. Commentator JES noticed it first; on his machine, the usual “Searching for DDOS” page that briefly appears before my front page was not appearing, instead replaced some scam-fuck bullshit called “Windows Defender.” On mobile, the problem was similar: a redirection to sites of a dubious nature. These sketchy attempted kidnappings cease upon reloading the page, but this is no way to live. The house must be put right.

The company who hosts the site, Green Geeks, is as you would expect claiming no responsibility. They sent me this:

The sucuri.net site they alluded to (which has been vouched for by a very trusted colleague) showed me, in part, this:

Green Geeks then sent this, which I’m sure they thought was helping:

I don’t need to tell you that I have no fucking idea what any of this means, do I?

My point is this: please help me. One of you must know what this means, and I am asking kindly–just about begging, if we’re honest–for you to help me. I don’t even need for you to explain what happened, just present me with a simplified list of what I must do now. Or–and this is my preference–you could take care of it for me. Please help me because I need help. Help now. Make with the helping.

Thx.

Thoughts On Avengers: Infinity War Having Actually Seen The Film This Time (Spoiling Within)

May 2, 2018 / / 0 Comments
  • There will be spoilers.
  • And I will drink your milkshake.
  • Drink it right the fuck up.
  • SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSLUP!
  • (I watched There Will Be Blood for the first time last week; I have to say it is a better film than Avengers: Infinity War in every category other than “number of baffling performances by Peter Dinklage,” as Peter Dinklage did not appear in TWBB at all.)
  • So, you know: if you don’t wanna know who’s gonna be resurrected in the next movie, ripcord out of here.
  • Not kidding.
  • I’m a spoilyboi.
  • …
  • You sure?
  • …
  • There are plenty other sites you could get computer-AIDS from.
  • I’m working on it.
  • And by “working on it,” I mean “desperately praying for someone to fix the problem for me like last time something went wrong with the cyber.”
  • Is Barron available?
  • Man, that kid’s gonna put some therapist’s kids through college.
  • Again: SPOILERS.
  • So many things to spoil, too.
  • Cuz half the universe dies.
  • AND SOME OF THEM ARE OUR BELOVED STARVEL HEROES.
  • (I’m just referring to Star Wars and Marvel as “Starvel” now, because having your childhood dreams come true is apparently a curse. Couldn’t some of my adult dreams manifest? The economic security, or the henchmen? I’d even take some of my teenage dreams, even though I do not have the penile endurance for teenage dreams any longer. But these kiddie fantasies of Han and Spidey being everywhere all the time turn out to suck in real life. It’s like living in a fairy tale, but not one of the cleaned-up stories from the pop-up books: the original Bavarian fairy tales.)
  • All right, here we go:
  • Everyone’s dead!
  • But they’re not, because Disney has stockholders and if you even think about killing off Black Panther, they send their proxies to your Malibu house in the middle of the night and beat you to death.
  • Spider-Man, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Doctor Strange, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Don Cheadle looks a little dead.
  • Enthusiasts, you know that TotD loves him some Don Cheadle, so you know this hurts me to say: Don, you have aged out of this role.
  • You are officially the old guy at the club.
  • “What the hell is a Migo? PLAY SOME KOOL & THE GANG!”
  • Honestly, they should have killed DC off in Captain America: Civil War and just thrown Wendy Williams in the suit.
  • “War Machine! I need some backup!”
  • “How you durrrrrin?”
  • Okay, so here’s what happens:
  • A purple fellow wants jewelry.
  • White people and Chadwick Boseman do not want the purple man to have the jewelry, for fear of what he will do with it.
  • Maybe he will wear it at an occasion too casual for jewelry of that nature.
  • He is so mean and tough, purple people-eater is.
  • The filmmakers need to show this during his first appearance onscreen, and poor Hulk has to be the Worf.
  • He beats Hulk so bad that Bruce Banner can’t get it up for the rest of the film in what has to be the first gamma-related impotence plot thread in film history.
  • (This is, of course, setting up the brutal beating that the green person will give the purple person in the next film.)
  • Starvel is run by geniuses: you only have to see one, or at the most two, movies to make sense of most sequels, but you need to see at least a dozen flicks for any of this bullshit to be comprehensible.
  • And then the Chrises emerge.
  • Australian Chris, who spent his last film learning that he did not need a hammer.
  • He spends this film looking for a hammer.
  • Wholesome Chris, who now has a beard.
  • He has a new super-suit, which is all-black like Luke’s in Jedi; this is to show how sad he is.
  • Trumpy Chris, who sucks.
  • I’m just so far past “No, thank you” with that guy.
  • Why the fuck are you talking back to Iron Man, doofus?
  • And why are you letting him talk back to you, Iron Man?
  • Speaking of which: Robert Downey, Jr., is now in the “doing an impression of himself” phase of his career.
  • RDJ was RDJing, if that makes sense.
  • And Spider-Man!
  • Whose death scene was undercut just a smidge by the fact that they’re currently in pre-production on his next film.
  • Unless we will be treated to some sort of Weekend at Bernie’s-type scenario.
  • I would like to see that.
  • He’s got one of Tony’s super-spidersuits, but it’s doing all the work and he’s dead inside the sucker.
  • And, like, there’s a smell.
  • And that’s Zendaya’s whole part in the movie: she tags along with Corpse Spidey and when the Hobgoblin says, “Is something dead around here?” she’ll be all, “I don’t smell anything. Maybe you’re having a stroke.”
  • And then Dead Peter starts leaking out of the suit.
  • I would totally see that movie.
  • Spidey’s on some sort of alien planet for most of the movie, because when you think Spider-Man, you think cosmic adventures.
  • I am almost certain that not only was Thanos created digitally for this movie, but so was Benadryl Cupertino.
  • There was something off about that fucker’s face.
  • Please, Lord, do not let me be dragged by Black Twitter for saying this, but: just let the Wakandans speak in their normal accents.
  • American, British, whatever.
  • Couldn’t understand a word.
  • Thanos is from Titan, which is just as made up as Wakanda, but he talks like Josh Brolin.
  • New rule: everyone talk like Josh Brolin.
  • I always get distracted by mundane bullshit in movies like this.
  • Like: where did Thanos get his boots?
  • He had to get his fancy glove made bespoke, so we know that he doesn’t just use his weirdo-powers to zippity-zap his wardrobe into existence.
  • Did Thanos go to the mall?
  • “Gamorra, how do these look?”
  • “WhatEVER, Dad! Can we leeeeeeeeave?”
  • “Am I a sexy daddy?”
  • “Oh my GOD you are embarrassing me!”
  • And so on.
  • “THANOS HAS EXCELLENT IDEAS AND HE IS JUST EXPRESSING HIS FREE THOUGHTS!”
  • Hey!
  • Get out of here, Kanye!
  • “PETER DINKLAGE MADE STRANGE CHOICES IN HIS PERFORMANCE!”
  • …
  • Okay, you’re right there.
  • Peter Dinklage was playing a giant.
  • Which is fucked up.
  • Honestly, Starvel?
  • Fucked up.
  • Vision and the Scarlet Witch have some business to take care of.
  • She gestures.
  • He looks like he’s about to die.
  • That’s pretty much their arc.
  • THE BIG FIGHT SCENE, YAY!
  • Bucky’s back!
  • Said no one with that much excitement.
  • Stop trying to make Bucky happen, Starvel.
  • The bad guys have toothmonsters, and the good guys run at them in an open field so that punching may take place.
  • Instead of, you know, lining up every machine gun and howitzer you can find and opening fire at the toothmonsters from an enclosed position.
  • I thought humanity learned that “running straight at ’em” was a poor tactical decision around 1918.
  • If you’re a Marine and you suggest to your superior officer that the plan should be “engage the enemy at full-sprint with weapons akin to baseball bats,” then you will have to do push-ups.
  • Of all people, Captain America should know better.
  • That’s the first day of boot camp, I would imagine.
  • “If your enemy is in the clear with no cover, then drop as much lead and explosives on them as possible. Okay, repeat that back to me. Rogers?”
  • “Join them in the clearing and whomp ’em in their heads with ranged weapons, sir!”
  • “Go stand in the corner, Rogers! Sick of your shit, boy.”
  • “I’m from Brooklyn.”
  • “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
  • Black Widow continues to be white, and continues her streak of having something to do in the next movie.
  • She’s completely irrelevant to the one you’re watching.
  • But the next one?
  • She’s all over that shit.
  • Starvel better not be thinking that bringing Hawkeye back in Infinity War: Infinitier will be welcomed with cheers.
  • You better have more than that in your pocket, Kevin Feige.
  • Hawkeye’s like that roommate you had that you didn’t mind.
  • Wasn’t your friend.
  • Wasn’t your enemy.
  • You didn’t mind him.
  • And now it’s like seven or eight years later and you run into him at a bar and there’s no way to avoid him and you’re like, “Oh, hey, Hawkeye. What’s up?”
  • And you know he’s gonna talk about archery.
  • Then Nick Fury dies, but he’s already shooting the next one and he kinda says “Motherfucker” but he doesn’t, and now Brie Larson is coming to save the day with her feminism and enormous jaw.
  • Oh, the magic of the movies.

Doctor, My Lies

May 1, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Soup.

“Ixnay on the Oup-say, man. There’s reporters around. It’s like a water park.”

Watergate.

“Whatever floats your goat, brother. But when we’re in public, just call me Dr. Bernstein.”

Bornstein.

“I don’t need these vultures knowing my business.”

Then why do you keep giving interviews?

“It’s nice to be wanted, man.”

Sure.

“How you feeling? You all good? You wanna get a little better?”

I’m cool.

“I know you’re cool. That’s why I’m asking if you want drugs, man.”

No, thank you.

“Blue Bomber?”

No.

“Black Beauty?”

No.

“Puce Panther?”

What even is that?

“It’s like speed, but patriotic. Here, take a handful for later.”

You’re either the best or worst doctor in the world. So, what happened?

“The GESTAPO, man! They raided my offices and tried to go through my files!”

Tried?

“I don’t write anything down, man. Between me and my nurses, we’ll remember it if it’s important.”

I don’t think that’s how it works.

“Doctors get hung up on ‘histories’ and ‘charts’ and all that, man. Medicine is a much more intuitive art than the teevee tells you.”

Okay. So, some men–

“GOONS, man!”

–from the Trump Organization came by and then what?

“They scared the hell out of my office manager. She still won’t come out from under the copier machine.”

Is your office manager a cat?

“Yes.”

Please continue.

“There were two men and they were very rude. They overturned a whole box of tongue depressors.”

That’s terrible.

“They played keep-away with my stethoscope, man!”

Monsters.

“And this is all because of what? Nothing! So I told the newspaper what medications the President is on? Who says a doctor can’t tell reporters what drugs a patient is using?”

The law. The law says you can’t do that. And ethics. And common courtesy. What you did was wrong in quite literally every way.

“Yeah, but I did it to Trump.”

Still.

“That guy’s a prick, man.”

You didn’t know that?

“I thought he was just gonna be a prick to everyone else, man.”

Lesson learned.

“Eh. You sure you don’t want a little pick-me-up?”

Fuck it, let’s get sloppy.

“My man!”

Are You Bobby For Me, Baby

May 1, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Where did you get a baby?

“Honestly, I have no idea. I was holding a cocktail, and then I went to take a sip and it was a baby.”

Strong cocktail.

“Well, you know, what’s the point otherwise?”

Sure. Bob, who taught you to hold babies?

“Parish.”

Wow.

“Grab by the hips and ignore the neck. Their heads are floppy because they’re coddled. You know what they say–”

Please don’t say what I think you’re going to.

“–‘You can’t baby babies.'”

That was what I thought, and feared, you would say.

“The children are soft nowadays. You know what I was doing at his age?”

Ranch?

“Yeah, there ya go. I was on the ranch. Bronco-busting and whatnot.”

What’s the kid’s name?

“Berniewouldawon.”

His parents live in Marin, huh?

“My neighbors.”

Sure.

A Partial Transcript Of Robert Mueller’s Questions For The President, 4/230/18

May 1, 2018 / / 4 Comments

The special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, recently provided President Trump’s lawyers a list of questions he wants answered in an interview. The New York Times obtained the list; here are the questions, along with the context and significance of each. The questions fall into categories based on four broad subjects. They are not quoted verbatim, and some were condensed. – “What Mueller Wants To Ask Trump About Obstruction, And What It Means” New York Times, 4/30/18

“How are you today, Mr. President?”

Mr. Mueller is here trying to end the day early. By asking such an open-ended question, he hopes that the President will perjure himself immediately. This is the legal equivalent of the “Fool’s Mate” strategy in chess.

“What was the content of your meeting with James Comey on 2/14/17?”

This is the meeting at which Mr. Comey contends Mr. Trump asked if could, w/r/t the Flynn case, “let this thing go.”

What was the content of your meeting with James Comey on 3/3/17?”

This meeting did not take place, but Mr. Mueller and his staff have placed wagers about whether Mr. Trump will just start making shit up.

“If one of your children has to go to jail–and most likely one does–which one should it be?”

Most of the Mueller team are parents, and they just want to hear the answer for themselves. Again, there has been wagering and the current line has Ivanka at 100-1, Eric at 9-2, Junior at 2-1, and even money he forgets about Tiffany’s existence. (Barron was not included in the betting as the team felt his age made it inappropriate. Unofficially, he’s listed at 15-1.)

“Traitorousputzsayswhat?”

This is childish, but just might work.

“Was the peeing an evening-specific thing, or was it part of your repertoire?”

Mr. Mueller hopes to rattle Mr. Trump here by alluding to a salacious portion of the Steele Dossier.

“I don’t know: can you go to the bathroom?”

With this question, Mr. Mueller is just being dickish.

“Do you have an egg in your pocket?”

If Mr. Trump has an egg in his pocket, he will get the chance to play exciting games for fabulous prizes, such as a dinette set or ski-doo (complete with trailer).

“During the interview with Lester Holt, did you mean to incriminate yourself or did it happen by accident?”

This query refers to an interview Mr. Trump did with NBC’s Lester Holy in which he literally said that he obstructed justice.

“Which of the Friends on Fox & Friends is your favorite?”

Again, this is being asked for purposes of wagering. “Blondie” is at 8-1, “The little guy, Ken or something” is at 4-1, “Chick with the tits” is at 2-1. (It is being assumed that Mr. Trump does not know any of the Friends’ actual names.)

“Do you like CD’s?”

It is anticipated that Mr. Trump will respond, “CD’s?” to which the Mueller team will say in unison, “SEE DESE NUTS,” and then laugh. The entire office is really looking forward to it.

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