Hey, Nephew on the Dead. Whatcha doing?

“No idea. The guy and the lady are dragging me around the woods.”

You’re not in the woods. Close, though. You’re in Woodstock.

“Woodstock.”

Yeah.

“Like the concert?”

Uh-huh. It’s a town, too.

…

…

…

“Goddammit, my parents are hippies, aren’t they?

Just your dad.

“So the lady’s a hippie sympathizer? Just as bad!”

It’s not. And they’re really lovely people.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. Love the guy and the lady. I live for those two.”

Hey, they’re crazy about you.

“No, no. You don’t understand. They literally keep me alive. I’m 14 months old. Completely incapable of surviving without massive outside intervention.”

True.

“Good eggs, the both of ’em. Anyway, where did you say I was again?”

Woodstock. You’re in Upstate New York.

“Why?”

That’s what people from the city do on weekends.

“What do people from Upstate New York do on the weekends?”

Vote against their economic interests and meth.

“Yeah, I don’t get it.”

It’s nature.

“There’s nature in Brooklyn. It’s kept in parks where it belongs. You go to the nature, walk around a bit, and then you get a scone or something on the way home. How much nature do you need?”

Some people need as much as they can get.

“Weirdos. And there’s something else about this place that freaks me out. I can’t put my finger on it.”

The air smells clean?

“No.”

Water tastes different?

“Babies can’t drink water.”

Really?

“Weird, right? It’s bad for us, apparently.”

Wow.

“Yeah. Wonder how many dead kids it took to figure that one out.”

Science used to be much less of a science than it is today.

“I guess. But it’s not the water. It’s the people.”

Everyone’s white?

“Bingo. Where are all the Puerto Ricans?”

Back in Brooklyn.

“Dominicans?”

Also in Brooklyn.

“There’s not even any Polish people up here.”

Nephew, the world is very unlike Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

“I am learning this. And I don’t think I like it.”

You’re a city kid.

“Apparently. Hey, you got any quarters?”

I’m not giving you money for the cigarette machine.

“I’m tapering down, I swear.”

Absolutely not.