Fresh off his victory in the Florida Republican gubernatorial primary, Rep. Ron DeSantis said Wednesday that voters would “monkey this up” if they elected his African-American opponent, Andrew Gillum, to be governor, immediately drawing accusations of racism. – CNN, 8/29/18

“Now, see, this is what President Trump, long may he reign, means when he talks about the Fake News.”

Oh, hi, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis.

“How you doing? Damn glad to meet you. Man, I’m so sorry I’m late. Guess I’m running on CPT.”

Excuse me?

“Congress Person Time. What did you think I meant?”

Oh, that’s how this is gonna go.

“There you go. There you go. Bias against conservatives. I guess we’re all just racists to you people?”

You people?

“I meant writers. All of you seem to be able to sniff out racism where it doesn’t exist. You people got some noses on you.”

You have to be kidding me.

“The lying fake media is lying about me. That’s a common expression, ‘Monkey this up.’ My daddy used to say it to the guy who fixed our car all the time. But, hell, you gotta watch them. Lazy and shiftless.”

Who’s lazy and shiftless?

“Car mechanics. Who did you think I was talking about?”

Congressman, the phrase ‘monkey it up’ is not a common one, and even if it were you shouldn’t use it in reference to a black person.

“Again, the lying media lies. I was talking about the voters monkeying up the good thing we got going that President Trump has provided for us, in tandem with the Lord. Times were awful black for a while, but now America’s getting great again.”

Times were black?

“Like during a storm. You’re desperate to read into my perfectly innocuous statements. All you reporter types! Damn fools and morons, the lot of you. Ninnies! And there’s so many of you to choose from! It’s tough to pick a ninny!”

You had to drive way out of your way for that one.

“I have no idea what you’re referring to. What county you from, sir?”

Palm Beach County.

“Ah. You know Jared Kushner?”

Why would I know Jared Kushner?

“He’s outgoing! So many friends everywhere!”

Can we stop this, please?

“Allow me to sum up.”

Fine.

“You are the racist for calling me racist, and there isn’t any black in the red, white, and blue.”

Florida!