What the fuck happened today?
A clusterfuck. All the fucks clustered, and joined as one. Additional appropriate euphemisms are shitshow, or hot August night rimjob. A million terrible, stupid things occurred, and each was so terribly stupid and stupidly terrible.
What was the worst?
The trailer for the Men in Black reboot looks subpar.
What was the second-worst?
We’re all gonna die.
Expound upon that.
Turnip just withdrew all the American military forces from Syria via tweet.
Just like MacArthur leaving the Philippines.
Or Chief Joseph’s farewell speech, yeah.
How many troops are there?
Around 2,000.
That doesn’t seem like a lot.
No, but it’s enough so that the Russians can see them. Remember that Syria is just a continuation of the war that’s been going on since Korea.
I thought the Cold War was over.
You and Fukuyama.
Okay, but isn’t withdrawing troops a good thing?
Not by tweet. Nothing is a good idea if done by tweet. Plus, the troops are apparently not doing shooting people. There are still Isises all over the place, and each needs a good bazooking. Furthermore, these troops presumably hold territory somewhere within Syria and suddenly skeedaddling will leave towns and cities ripe for the fucking. Farthermore, the Kurds have been allied with us in Syria, and leaving them would open them up to slaughter. Again.
Again?
The Kurds could have a nice, little chat with the Blackfoot about how partnering with America works out.
Cool. So pulling out is bad.
Pulling out is for sissies and porn stars. We’re me. We stay in. We stay in and get the job done. Besides, we’re the good guys here.
Are we really?
Of course not. The good guys are the dead poor people. We’re participants in an endeavor. It’s all a big game, except for–as I mentioned–the dead poor people. You can’t leave the table in the middle of a hand. It creates chaos.
Isn’t there already chaos?
No. It’s a war. Everyone involved is a rational actor. But everyone involved is also armed to the tits, so sudden movements are frowned upon. Isis would flare back up, the Israelis would start getting antsy, that chinless fuck Assad would most likely start chucking chlorine bombs at population centers again, Putin laughing spreads his wings; leaving is worse than staying. Peace is the way, and love is the answer, but if we’re talking realpolitik: American troops’ presence cuts down on the production of new dead poor people.
You sure about that?
No. But I know that all those Soldiers and Marines disappearing from the situation as thought snapped away by Thanos would result in utter fuckery.
Can Turtledick do that?
Order troops around? Yeah. It’s, like, his number one power.
Don’t be a turd.
Well, don’t ask grade-school shit, man. President is the Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. military. It was a great notion to have the armed forces under civilian control. Just not this civilian’s control.
Okay, so he ordered a retreat from Syria. This surely didn’t cause a kerfuffle.
It did! Total fuff!
My god, the ker.
The Secretary of Defense, Jim “Don’t Call Me That” Mattis, resigned because of the President’s impetuous move.
Oh, that seems fine and normal.
That’s because you’ve built up a globular and wispy-haired callus over the button on your soul labelled “What the fuck?” This is bad and weird.
Had the Secretary of Defense made it clear to the President that he would resign over this decision?
I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know if it’s possible to make clear to the President anything at all. The man’s a lunkhead.
And how do we feel about Jim Mattis?
Well, he does like dropping bombs on school buses.
School buses full of…?
Children.
Terrorist children?
Children children. Listen, Mattis is a war criminal, but he’s a moderate one. If there’s a centrism to warmongering, then Mad Dog occupies the position. He certainly wasn’t going to reduce the amount of military bullshit the U.S. gets up to, but he didn’t want to invade Tehran. He was trying to mind the store.
And now he’s gone.
And nothing’s gonna bring him back.
At least that was it as far as today’s catastrophes.
Not even close. Toilet Face is gonna shut the government down because Ann Coulter called him a pussy on Fox News.
That seems fine and normal. Is this about his wall?
No one will give him the money, for the sole reason that it is a stupid fucking idea, and so he is throwing a tantrum and refusing to sign a Continuing Resolution that would keep the government funded.
Isn’t it Christmas in a few days?
It is. And the Baboon is going to Florida for 16 days, and most of Congress had already headed home.
God bless us.
Everyone.
perfect.