More Coronavirus Tips

DON’T PANIC

Slow your roll, mojambo. Remember what Epictetus said: No, I don’t want any ribs. You’re thinking of Epicurus. 

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

As long as you’re staying home, you can’t be gang-raped in a pool hall. So there’s that.

HOBBIFY YOURSELF

That skill you’ve been meaning to acquire, that project you’ve needed time to complete: do it now. Unless the skill is “putting your fingers in strangers’ mouths.” Or the project is a performance piece entitled Putting my Fingers in Strangers’ Mouths #7. And if you live in an apartment building, you can’t take up archery. You simply gotta have open space for archery; it’s not a city sport.

But you could take up:

• Needlepoint.
• Crochet.
• Crotchet. (Crotcheting is crocheting, but you knit famous people’s genitals. Like the Plaster Casters, but cuddlier.)
• Fusion cuisine.
• Fission cuisine. (Much more powerful flavors.)
• Allowing your wife, Kay, to ask you about your business just this once.
• Finding out who Dascha Polanco is. (I know that there is a human named “Dascha Polanco.” She is a woman, and a young person. Beyond that, I can say no more. How she became known to me is a question for the ages. All I know of Dascha Polanco is that she is, and that is all. I think she’s ethnic.)
• What if you could taxidermy, like, someone’s soul, man?
• 3D printing. (Growth market.)
• Coffin-building. (Gonna be a growth market.)
• 3D printing coffins. (Insert Galaxy Mind meme here.)
• The yoga of the 80’s, jazzercise.
• Lollygagging. (When was the last time you lollygagged? Just gagged the living fuck out of your lolly? You owe it to yourself, mojambo.)

Stop addressing the reader as “mojambo.” It’s weird and maybe racist.

I’ve told you a million times: do not ripcord me out of the Bullet Points format.

The nice people who read this are freaked out and need a laugh. And this is what you give them? Lollygagging jokes?

It is an inherently comedic word.

You’re an abhorrently pathetic worm.

Don’t be pissy just because the XFL got cancelled.

I loved that hard-hitting, fast-paced action!

I know, buddy.

You wanna go back to your little jokes?

Let’s move on.

Let’s.