“Hi, everyone. Welcome to our regular Friday night webcast. I’m Dead archivist David Lemieux. Joining me is the co-host of Tales From The Golden Road, Gary Lambert, and NBA Hall-of-Famer and Deadhead Bill Walton.”

“David, it’s no coincidence that we meet tonight on Zoom, because that’s what the Grateful Dead’s music does to me, and to us all. Who hasn’t been zoomed to Jupiter by a world-shattering Other One, or zoomed in their rear areas by a tasty Music Never Stopped? The great Aretha Franklin once asked ‘Who’s zooming who?’ and tonight I have her answer: the Dead is zooming us, Miz Franklin.”

“I love your enthusiasm, Bill.”

“The French call it joie de vivre, David. That’s more words than ‘enthusiasm,’ but fewer syllables. The French have always been known for their efficiency.”

“Have they?”

“Oh, yeah. For years, that’s how Coach Wooden would end our practices. ‘You looked good out there, boys, but don’t forget that the French have always been known for their efficiency.’ Kareem and I still wrap up our phone conversations with the phrase.”

“That’s very sweet, actually.”

“Kareem’s a pussycat. David?”

“Uh-huh, eh?”

“Why is Gary not speaking?”

“The restrictions of the dialogue-only format. It just gets too confusing with more than two people.”

“Gotcha. I’m getting a bit of scramble on my end here. The connection’s getting–”

SHWIZZLEbleeeeeeeeeeZAP!

“LEMIEUX! YOU ARE THE DISEASED CUNT OF A DEAD MOOSE!”

“Um…Bill?”

“THE GORKY MUTANT HAS BEEN DISPLACED BY MY GENIUS!”

“Oh, hey, Klaus Kinski.”

“KEEP MY ESTEEMED NAME FROM YOUR THIN CANADIAN LIPS! USE THOSE LIPS FOR EATING BEAVER ASS, AND PRAISING MEDIOCRITIES! I WILL RUN YOU OVER WITH A CEMENT TRUCK!”

“Y’know, if I’ve offended you, then I apologize.”

“APOLOGIZE? APOLOGIZE!?”

BANG!

…

“Did you just shoot Gary ‘Legs’ Lambert?”

“YES! AND I ENJOYED THE ACT SO MUCH THAT I EJACULATED CONCURRENTLY! MY JOY RUNS DOWN MY BEAUTIFUL THIGH!”

“You are a mean man.”

“Ja. Bring me a cigarette and a teenager.”