“Good morning to the press and also to the alligators which, according to the Florida constitution, must be housed in the Governor’s Mansion. I’d also like to say good morning to our state’s brave warrior cops. We love cops here; everyone knows that. All the best Cops episodes were shot in Florida; everyone knows that, too. And I’d like to say good morning to the wonderful folks over at Disney World, which will be opening July 11th and I am officially declaring free of not just Corona, but all terrestrial diseases. Nobody dies at Disney World!
“Thanks to my strong leadership, which is predicated upon President Trump’s belief in me, Florida has been almost entirely spared from the ravages of the ronus. You can thank me by reelecting me, and by ignoring my blatant and easily-provable corruption. Now, I know there’s been a spate of fake news lately about our cases going up, but once again: fake news. Hocus pocus, corona’s a jokus. That’s a spell I learned from a Seminole healer. It bends reality to your will. Nice to have in your pocket.
“There’s gonna be people throwing numbers around, but you can’t trust numbers. The Nazis used to tattoo numbers on Jews’ forearms, for Christ’s sake! Numbers are bad news. I like common sense. And my common sense says Go to the casino. Why would my common sense tell me that if it was dangerous? And I trust my gut, too. I’d like to pretend everything was fine, my gut says. I’m not gonna argue with my gut. It’s a lot smarter than some guy with ‘numbers’ and ‘science.’
“Could the print reporters please note that I did the air-quotes gesture when I said ‘numbers’ and ‘science?’ Thanks.
“To sum up my first point: corona shmorona. This is Florida. Everyone who isn’t 80 is a lunatic. People die here a lot. A couple hundred more isn’t a big deal. We can eat that hit.
“Second point: Because of my success at battling the coronavirus, we can now move to Phase III of the reopening. Many of you have asked about the precise metrics we used to make the decision, and I’ll answer that thusly: Seems like time, doesn’t it? It’s enough with the staying home. Most of our children have gone semi-feral. And the economy! Why does the poor economy have to suffer? It doesn’t even exist! Virus can’t do nothing to an economy! It’s cruel to allow that, so all the bargain shoe stores which were kinda grody even before the plague need to reopen.
“Phase III will also legalize the killing of mask-wearers. You’re at Publix and some lady’s got an N95 on? Beat her to death with your shopping cart. You can do that now, because you have freedom. I love freedom.
“Another proviso of Phase III is that water park attendance is gonna be mandatory. Within the next month, every Floridian must visit their local Flumeteria and partake in the wet, wild fun. And there’s gonna be shared bathing suits.
“Social distancing is now forbidden. We are mandating frottage. Everybody just rub up on each other.
“We are reopening Florida. Restaurants, retail, barbershops and gyms. The depressing roadside zoos. The semi-licensed elective surgical centers. The antique shops full of racist crap. The Maserati dealerships. The kava bars. The bait shops where you can also buy meth. The gator farms. The landing strips which aren’t on any map. You know: Florida.
“To celebrate the great news, all Duffy’s locations will be doing a two-for-one burger deal. Which is a tremendous deal, because Duffy’s does a burger that’ll beat the band. And just to cut off your very silly questions at the pass: No, I was not paid by Duffy’s to do an ad for them. I’m the Governor. That would be illegal. Duffy’s did contribute to a discretionary fund which I have access to, but no legal responsibility for. Which is legal. I know it’s legal because we made it legal about six months ago. Tallahassee politics are a thing to see, man.
“Another thing: I am super-psyched for the upcoming Republican National Convention, which has been moved to Jacksonville because we pleased the Allfather. He favors us. We’re gonna have so much fun, and bask in his glory, and it’s just gonna be a shindig. A real shindig. But I need to say this clearly and publicly: Even the mildest of protest will be met with psychotic overreaction. If you go to the arena and start chanting about lives mattering, the police are gonna shoot you in the face with a bazooka. Immediately. There will be no command to disperse. You’re getting your command to disperse right now from me. I will let the National Guard off the leash. Don’t test me, muchachos.
“And, finally, if everyone could stick their fingers in as many strangers’ mouths as possible, I’d really appreciate it.
“Oh! I forgot: Sneeze-guards are now illegal. Restaurants and supermarkets need to remove them from buffets and salad bars by Friday. God bless America and the great state of Florida!”
You are so gonna piss off the bait shop brotherhood with this…..just sayin.
I live in delicatessen and fancy bowling alley Florida, not bait shop Florida.