HOUSE HEARING ROOM – MORNING

“People, settle. Order in the room. Phones away. I will remind everyone, including my fellow distinguished members, that you may not live-tweet while we’re in session, especially if what you’re live-tweeting is cruel memes of me.”

“Point of order!”

“Oh, don’t start immediately, Congresswoman Stefanik.”

“Chairman Schiff, I resent being singled out like that.”

“I didn’t say your name.”

“Everyone knows I have great memes, Chairman.”

“Shush. We are now several days into this impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump. I know it seems like several weeks, or maybe eternity, but I swear it’s only been a few days. President Trump does funny things to time. That’s not part of these proceedings, but everyone knows it’s true. Anyway, today we welcome back into this chamber for a record third appearance, the United States’ Ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland.”

“Call me Gordo.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“It is the ruling of the chair that the witness not be called ‘Gordo.’ Ambassador Sondland, you were one of the first people to appear in closed depositions for these inquiries, during which you…forgot…several important events. Upon reflection and the testimony of others indicating your participation in said events, you re-appeared before the committee and amended your statement. And now here you are again.”

“I remember everything.”

“Ambassador, did you see that Roger Stone is going away for ten years for lying to Congress?”

“I did. I saw that. And I felt that. Y’know how you see another guy get kicked in the nuts, and then your nuts hurt? It was like that. I remember evvvvvvvverything. I’ll draw you sketches. I’ll go undercover. I’ll wear a wire. Whatever. I am here, Chairman Schiff, to talk.”

“One hopes so. The Chair now yields to floor for the opening statement of the ranking member of the committee, Mr. Nunes.”

“Chairman, I have only this to offer about this sham of a witch hunt.”

FART JOKE NOISE!

“Jesus, Nunes!”

“That’s a Sacramento Stinker right there. Just like this whole thing, man. Stinks.”

“The Chair retracts the ranking member’s time as penalty for the butt bomb. Not right, Nunes! This is an old building! The ventilation’s crap in here!”

“If America has to smell you, then you have to smell me.”

“The gentleman will suspend. Ambassador, let’s get past that foul behavior and back to your testimony. I want to go straight to the heart of the matter: Was there a ‘quid pro quo?'”

“Yes.”

“Who knew about it?”

“Literally everyone.”

“Be more specific, please. Who knew about the deal to exchange military aid for political favors?”

“President, obviously. Volker, Pompeo, Rick Perry, Mulvaney. The Vice-President, too. Rudy, of course. Bolton. Kid Rock knew.”

“Kid Rock? The singer?”

“Hey, Kid Rock is more than just a singer. Super-talented guy. Been a guest at my hotels on many occasions. Much neater than you’d imagine. Classy guy.”

“Ambassador Sondland, why was Kid Rock involved in international diplomacy?”

“He hangs around the White House a lot, and sometimes he just kinda gets in on things. He set up the second North Korean summit all by himself. Not a tight ship over there, if I’m honest.”

“We’ve heard.”

“Rudy Giuliani was the point man on this one. The President told me to do whatever Rudy wanted.”

“And what did Rudy want to do?”

“Depended on what time of day it was. When he was sober-ish in the mornings, he wanted Ukrainian President Zelensky to announce investigations into Hunter Biden. By the afternoon, his theories would become more florid, involving aliens, the descendants of the Plantagenet line, and some sort of never-ending war between draculas and wolfmans. And by nine or ten, he’d crap his pants.”

“This is the personal lawyer to the President of the United States?”

“Yeah.”

“And did you speak to the President himself about the quid pro quo?”

“Twice. The first call was to discuss pressuring President Zelensky into investigating, or at least announcing that he was investigating, Hunter Biden and Burisma.”

“And the second?”

“Was to deny making the first call.”

“Ah.”

“The follow-up conversation took place on September 9th, some hours after the whole Ukrainian affair had been made public. The President said hello, and then shouted ‘I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO!’ at me a few times, and then hung up.”

“Okay. What did you think that meant?”

“I can’t get into the President’s motives, Chairman.”

“Time is now yielded to the counsel for the minority, Mr. Castor.”

“Good morning, Ambassador. Before you were named to your current position, did you have any experience in diplomacy?”

“None whatsoever.”

“Then how did you get your job?”

“I bought it for a million dollars.”

“You bought your job. What does that say about you, sir?”

“Same thing it says about the guy who sold it to me.”

…

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I walked right into that one. Ambassador, earlier you mentioned a phone call with the President in which you assert that the Ukrainian deal was discussed.”

“Yes. And A$AP Rocky.”

“Is he related to Kid Rock?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Well, I don’t believe you, sir. If the President made a phone call to you, then where is the evidence? When the President makes calls, they get logged.”

“Yes, but President Trump prefers using his iPhone. My staff logged the call, though, and made a transcription. But the Department of Justice all of my office’s seized my office’s documents and declared everything classified.”

“Oh.”

“Did you not know that?”

“Don’t worry about what I know, Ambassador. I’m not on trial here.”

“Neither am I.”

“Irregardless! Mr. Sondland, isn’t it possible that Rudy Giuliani was free-lancing?”

“No. I was instructed by the President to defer to Rudy on matters having to do with Ukraine.”

“Is it possible the President was being sarcastic when he told you that?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Do you have any background in mesmerism, sir?”

“What now?”

“Mesmerism. Is it possible you hypnotized the President into committing crime?”

“I am unschooled in the mystical arts of persuasion.”

“Ambassador Sondland, if you were so concerned about that military aid getting to Ukraine, why didn’t you bring it up with anyone before now?”

“I did. I e-mailed several of the higher-ups in the administration. Plus I sent some certified letters. The official ones you have to sign for. Pompeo, Mulvaney, Pence: I have evidence of discussing the aid-for-investigations scheme with all of them.”

…

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, God.”

“You didn’t know that?”

“Dammit.”

MAMMOTH P.A. SYSTEM BEING SET UP RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CHAMBER NOISE!

“Testing? Testing? Where’s my testing? No one tests microphones like me, just one of the best in the world at doing it, maybe the absolute best. I do not know this Sondland, he looks like a loser, and I told him NO QUID PRO QUO. I was very strong in my statement, and that’s the end of it. Okay, that’s it.”

MAMMOTH P.A. SYSTEM GETTING TORN DOWN RIGHT OUTSIDE NOISE!

“That’s not okay. It’s just not how any of this is supposed to work. Let’s take ten minutes while I have a chat with the Capitol Police.”