“Good morning, everyone. I’d like to apologize for all the meth-pythons. We don’t know how they got into the Governor’s Mansion, but we’re trying real hard to clear them out. We tried releasing meth-mongooses, but it turns out that mongooses can’t fight pythons like they do cobras. Python is way bigger! The size advantage is simply too great. So, uh, all the mongooses got eaten. And, as I mentioned, they were meth-mongooses, so the pythons also ingested all the meth. Long story short: Be careful. Just be careful.

“I’m going to start with some numbers. 10,213. 433. 61,298. I’m not going to say what those numbers pertain to, but those are the numbers. Maybe they’re how many people love you? Those would be great numbers if that were the category. Or dollars! 10,213 dollars is outstanding. You got that in your pocket, you’re on top of the world. Hey, even 433 dollars is pretty good. Get yourself a nice pair of shoes with that. Treat yourself, man.

“My office keeps getting questions from the press about whether or not there will be a statewide mask mandate, and I’d really like to stop getting those questions. Can you guys be cool, please? Ask about anything else. Did you know over 30% of Florida’s sheriffs are under indictment? Let’s talk about that. Just, you know: enough with the masks, huh?

“Speaking of masks, it is my administration’s position that all the recent mask-related murders would have happened anyway. Floridians can always find a reason to murder someone. If it wasn’t the mask, it would have been something else.

“As most of you know, Disney World is going to be opening up real soon, and everyone’s so happy about that. The folks who run that property are pretty smart cookies, and they’ve cooked up a lot of ways to keep guests safe. For example, there will be no contact with the costumed characters. Turns out there’s absolutely no way to disinfect the costumes. Corona burrows into felt, apparently. Also, the Mickey-shaped waffles will all be wearing little masks made from butter. It’s so cute!

“I would also like to address the hospital situation. There’s a lot of people freaking out about our ICU’s being full, but since when is being at capacity a bad thing? Any restaurant would kill to be as packed as our hospitals right now! I see it as a win.

“Finally, I’d like to speak about our great schools. We’re gonna open all of them back up in August. K through 12, the whole kit and kaboodle. We’ll even take illegal kids. You see a child outside? Grab him and toss him into the nearest school. We must educate our children, and so they’re all going back to class. Precautions will be taken, of course. I am asking that all forms of wrestling be canceled. Greco-Roman, freestyle, gator, whatever. There was some talk about canceling football, too, but that was just homo-talk. Nobody’s canceling football season on my watch.

“Some parents may be worried about the possibility of viral transmission when the kids go back to school, and I’m just gonna be honest: We’re gonna lose a few. ‘Zero dead kids’ is out of the question. We took that off the table at the beginning of our decision-making process. I’m setting the point at ‘some’ dead kids. I can live with ‘some.’ Also, the scientists have told me that the coronavirus rarely takes the good kids. Varsity athletes and honor rollers seem to be mostly immune. The kids at risk are the ones that wear black a lot, or smell, or they’re in the marching band. No child is disposable, but some of ’em are, kind of. You know I’m right.”

POTATO-HEADED STEAKHEAD BEING HANDED A PIECE OF PAPER NOISE

“Huh. The entire NBA has tested positive for the ronus. Okay, then. Great press conference!”