“Good morning, my fellow Floridians, quarantined Disney guests, stranded birth tourists, and swamp creatures. I would like to speak with you today about the coronavirus, and what we can do to lessen its effect upon our great state The virus has been detected in two people: one in Hillsborough County, and the other in Manatee. We are also monitoring potential cases in Oopadoopa, Snorkel, and Margaritaville Counties.

“Following the invocation of a state of emergency, President Trump has released funds to the state, and all of those funds have been used to fortify Palm Beach Island. The National Guard has been dispatched to Singer Island, Fisher Island, and Town Center of Boca Raton. We have also rerouted the traffic to and from the cruise ships in Miami through a much poorer section of town.

“I also called the Florida legislature into a special session this morning, and they immediately passed a bill placing harsh restrictions on abortion. I’d like to thank them.

“And as I mentioned, Disney is quarantining all of its guests. They got upwards of 10,000 people locked in their rooms. The Disney Company has a big hand in writing Florida’s laws, and it turns out that power was granted to them years ago. Folks who are visiting Universal Studios are free to go, though.

“Now let’s talk a bit about prevention. Florida, let’s turn this pandemic into a candemic. Jesus, who wrote that? Phil, did you write that? You’re fired.”

PHIL WALKING OUT SADLY NOISE

“The first thing we all need to do is wash our hands. Hell, forget about the virus: we all just need to wash our hands a lot more. Turns out there’s something called the Global Handwashing Index, and Florida is below, like, rural Bulgaria. Everyone needs to wash their hands, or at the very least wipe them on their shorts real good. That’s the first way we’re gonna beat the coronavirus.

“Continuing to speak about hygiene, the Department of Health has asked that everyone stop taking off their shirts and wrestling strangers. There’s a ton of fluid exchange there. And I know what you’re saying. Governor, we’re Floridians! We take off our shirts and wrestle strangers! Hey, I get it. But this is just for the time being.

“And I’m just gonna come out and say it: please knock it off with the animal fighting. The cockfighting down south, and the dogfighting up north. There just couldn’t be a better vector for disease, besides it being wrong. Just take a break until this is over.

“I’m begging you not to burn down any Chinese restaurants. The worse this gets, the more you’re gonna want to burn down a Chinese restaurant, but I cannot stress enough how wrong that would be. I will throw your ass in jail forever, and that goes for Mexican places, too. The coronavirus has nothing to do with the beer. Y’know how we shoot at hurricanes and everyone thinks it’s cute? This won’t be cute. Don’t do this.

“We are also warning all of our citizens, especially the older ones, to be mindful of scams. Remember: if they knock on your door, they’re not a doctor.

“The eyes of America are upon us, Florida, so let’s try to be less entertaining than we usually are.”