“Good morning. It’s Sunday. This is Meet The Press.”
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“Thank you for joining us. My name is Chuck Todd and today our guest is the former mayor of New York City and current member of President Trump’s legal team, Rudy Giuliani.”
“Member is your word, Chuck. ‘Member of the legal team’ is your phrase, and I didn’t say it.”
“You are one of the president’s attorneys, correct?”
“I practice law and Donald Trump is the president, yes.”
“Those two clauses were unrelated.”
“Chuck, I won’t be harassed. The point I’m trying to make is everyone’s a lawyer and everyone’s the president and Hillary Clinton should be summarily executed.”
“Mr. Giuliani, let’s get to the news of the day. The New York Times is reporting that White House Counsel Don McGahn has been cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation, providing inside information about possible obstruction of justice regarding the firing of James Comey.”
“Justice can’t be obstructed, Chuck. It rolls along. Like the Mississippi.”
“Justice can absolutely be obstructed, Mr, Giuliani.”
“OL’ MAAAAAAAN RIIIIIIBBAH! YOU JUS’ KEEP ROLLIN’!”
“Yes, we know the song.”
“It’s a fine one, even though it was sung by a Communist. Chuck, the issue at hand here is that Robert Mueller–if that’s his real name–is engaged in a witch hunt that threatens our nation. President Trump has been distracted from his agenda of making America great, and that’s the shame here.”
“Uh-huh. Mr. Giuliani, do you know what Mr. McGahn said to the special counsel’s office?”
“I assume they discussed politics.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“Current events?”
“So, you don’t actually know what was discussed in those meetings?”
“I know that McGahn was strong. His strength is a given. I once saw him pick up a refrigerator and move it across the room. No one helped! All by himself, and I’m not talking about one of those little dorm fridges. Full-size job. That strength carries over into his lawyering.”
“Again: you don’t know what the White House counsel said to the prosecutor?”
“I know the gist. People underestimate the power of the gist. I know the gist.”
“Let’s move on. Will the president be sitting down for an interview with Robert Mueller?”
“The president wants to. Very badly. He’s done nothing wrong, so he wants to clear his good name. Have you heard about black unemployment?”
“Will he or won’t he?”
“Well, Chuck, the problem is that Roberto Mueller–”
“His name is not Roberto.”
“–is operating a bad faith operation. Lot of operating going on over there. And what we anticipate is that he will try to lure the president into a perjury trap.”
“A perjury trap?”
“Mm-hmm. A perjury trap.”
“Couldn’t that be avoided simply by telling the truth?”
“Whose truth, Chuck? Which truth are we using as the metric?”
“The truth. There’s only one truth.”
“Chuck, that’s reductive. Have you ever seen Rashomon?”
“Please don’t bring Rashomon into this.”
“I must! We’re all Japanese peasants witnessing a rape and murder at this point. The truth has become scattered, like sugar a child has spilled on the kitchen floor.”
“What?”
“Truth is beauty, and beauty is truth, and never the twain shall meet.”
“That’s not how that goes in the slightest.”
“Truth is like a sharknado.”
“Nothing is like a sharknado, Mr. Giuliani.”
“Just nice to see Ian Ziering working. Hollywood didn’t give him the chance his talent deserved.”
“Changing subjects, who do you think leaked the information about Don McGahn to the Times?”
“No one had to leak it. Maggie Haberman has been camped out in the West Wing for months. At this point, she’s family. President Trump calls her Jewish Ivanka.”
“Maggie Haberman is not Jewish.”
“All journalists are Jewish, Chuck.”
“I’m just gonna throw it to commercial now.”
“Thank God. I’m almost out of scotch.”
“When we return, I’ll ask some more middling-ass questions without follow-ups while the republic crumbles. If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet The Press.”
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that motherfucker giuliani is helping the “smoke and mirrors” defense . if we all ignore him, he will go away.