A Rundown Of Michael Cohen’s Cell Phones

Manhattan federal prosecutors seized as many as 16 cell phones when the FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen. – NY Post, 4/26/18

1. The wife knows about this one.
2. For the bitches.
3. Strictly for gay stuff.
4. Cyrillic alphabet and international SIM card.
5. Giant Motorola brick-phone for taking throwback photos with.
6. “Bat Phone” that only Mr. Trump has number to.
7. The one with all the porn on it.
8. Just for prank calls. (“Hey, sizzle-chest! I’m gonna shit on your dog!”)
9. Limited edition (Red) phone by Apple and U2.
10. Broken flip-phone that Mr. Trump accidentally threw at my head as hard as he could while calling me a loser. (Sentimental value.)
11. “Party Phone.” (Dealer’s number, Uber app, no camera or microphone whatsoever; that’s all.)
12.  Used primarily for calling Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling’s 1-900-DIAL-A-JOKE.
13. Looks like a phone, but is actually a fart machine.
14. T-Mobile Sidekick covered in pink faux-fur and rhinestones that spell out KING COHEN.
15. Phone for calling other phones when they get lost.
16. Google Pixel. (For taking pictures of the family, because nothing is more important than family.)