A Shameless Plug, Verging On Whorish OR The Tie-Dye Is Cast

Enthusiasts, I do not prefer my ties dyed. To my way of thinking, clothes are like wide receivers: They need a very good excuse not to be black.

HOLD THE FUCK UP, MUCHACHO.

Too far?

Too far, too much, too everything.

I would like to blame my actions on my health condition. I don’t know if you’ve heard–

Jesus, dude.

–but I have a wee touch of the cancer.

Y’know, you’re milking it.

…

Did you just accuse me of milking my cancer?

Like an aggressive farmhand. 

IT’S CANCER.

Some suffer silently.

I’ve never done anything silently. I even snore, so I can still raise a dumbfuck racket while I sleep. I’m a squawky nitwit and I don’t see it changing.

Uh-huh. But maybe your decrepitation doesn’t need to be the prime focus of the site. Remember when this was about the Grateful Dead?

Who?

Then you inflicted your fiction on the nice people. 

They deserved it.

And now you’re doing your imitation of Bob Hope in Road To Hospice. It’s depressing. Can’t you die more cheerfully?

I cannot.

Try. Slap a smile on, 

It hurts to smile because the poison gave me thrush.

RIGHT THERE. That’s the morbid shit I’m talking about. Stow it, buster.

Don’t you talk to me that way. I’m a brave battler! My fight is courageous! I will slay the dragon of pestilence, chase it from my body! I battle bravely!

…

Please don’t say–

TOTD STRONG!

TotD…wow.

I wear my bad luck like a crown.

Y’sure do, champ. Why did you start typing this time?

Oh, right: I was gonna plug. A lovely Enthusiast, generous and giving of heart, sent me a tie-dye; it is a pleasing garment in red, white, and blue, and it was made by hand, which means there is no shirt like it anywhere in the world, not even locations where many hippies gather. My shirt is sui generis, and so is the candana*. Again: I am pleased.

So if you’re a tie-dye guy or an earthen mama, pay a visit to the Firefly Shirt Company on Facebook or at their Etsy store. Not only will you be procuring yourself a quality piece of clothing, but they ship via the USPS, so you’d also literally be saving America from fascism. Be a hero and buy some merch.

Point of order.

You’re still here?

I never left. I have a point of order.

Whaaaaaaat?

How come this merits a plug? Plenty of kind Enthusiasts sent you stuff.

Plenty of kind Enthusiasts sent me weed. And, you know: that’s still technically a crime. You don’t plug crimes.

You should offer a plug, though.

You’re right. Anyone who wants to be thanked publicly for committing a federal offense, please e-mail me. Or say something in the Comment Section.

Has this attitude ever helped you?

Not once.

I admire your tenacity.

You should. It’s awesome.

*I have accumulated a passel of new Twitter followers of late; some may be encountering the word “candana” for the first time. It is a portmanteau of “cancer” and “bandana,” and refers to the chemo du-rag.

Didn’t I tell you to cool it with the cancer?

YOU CAN’T FOLLOW ME TO THE ASTERISKIAL ZONE! THIS IS MY TERRITORY!

Oh, jam it up your ass.