“Yes, all right, good, yes. Great clapping, the best clapping. We have the best hands, and we use them so beautifully, the clapping. Tremendous. Mike Pence with a beautiful introduction that maybe no President has ever gotten before, because Mike’s up there. Vice-Presidentially speaking, you know what I’m talking about. Can’t compare him to a President, of course. Mike doesn’t do much, to be honest. Mostly sits in his office and prays. But he’s great, he’s great. Mike Pence.”
“It was my honor, pleasure, and delight. I adore you, Mr. President.”
“What a nice guy. Real sweetheart. And I want everyone to take a look at the First Lady. Melania, where are you?”
“She didn’t come along, sir.”
“Mike, shut up. I’m introducing my wife. Melania?”
“Not here, sir.”
…
“Melania?”
“A glass of water, Mr. President!”
STARFISH-FACED DUMBASS GREEDILY SNATCHING A GLASS OF WATER FROM A MILKSOP NOISE
“The water thing. The fake news media, which is probably antifa in disguise, is obsessed with the water thing. And it wasn’t a thing! The thing wasn’t a thing at all, but this is what the New York Slimes, which is what I call it because they’re so slimy and disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves, is saying. They’re so nasty with their water thing, which isn’t a thing.
“When I drink this water, you’re gonna say ‘Wow.’ I’ve impressed people with how I could drink water for all my life. All my life! People are always saying to me, and I’m talking about famous people, that I’m world-class at drinking water. Cups, mugs, bottles, whatever. I could do a thermos. Not so much with the fountains. Those things are germ city. Anyone can use ’em! When I grew up, only the right people could use the water fountains, and so you could drink from them, but now anyone can use ’em, and that doesn’t work out. That’s no good for anyone.
“Maybe I could do a straw. Straw? President wants a straw!”
DONALD TRUMP NOT BEING BROUGHT A STRAW NOISE
“I want bendy, but I’ll take regular. Straw?”
DONALD TRUMP CONTINUING TO NOT BE BROUGHT A STRAW NOISE
“Forget the straw. Straws are for Sleepy Joe Biden. He doesn’t like clicking his dentures against the glass, so he uses a straw. Very old. Me, I go straight in. Very aggressive drinker of water. You’re gonna see me do this, and your brain is gonna explode. Watch me.”
A SENTIENT, VAGUELY MAN-SHAPED PILE OF CIRCUS PEANUTS MANAGING THE HERCULEAN TASK OF SIPPING WATER WITH ONLY ONE HAND NOISE
“Right. You see. You see how strong your President is. Water sees Trump, it gets scared! It’s knows it’s getting drunk, unless there’s a Diet Coke nearby. If water is scared, then Diet Coke is terrified. ‘Oh, please don’t drink me, Mr President. Please let me participate in the greatest economy America’s ever seen.’ But, you know, I drink it.
“Seattle has bad hombres. That’s what I call those people, hombres, but maybe they’re not people at all. I don’t know, but this Governor they have there is so weak that he lets the bad hombres do whatever they want. This is Seattle. It’s a city, but the Governor is in charge. Many people aren’t aware of that, but I get so much information, so much information, you wouldn’t believe how much.
“These poor people. You got a wife, and her husband is a traveling salesman, and he’s riding the train so she’s home alone with the baby, and now here comes the bad hombres. So now the wife in Seattle calls the police, but Oops they’ve been defunded, so the hombres go wild on her. I’m picturing her with big yabbos. Not too big, but nice. The socialists, who are anarchists and communists, want the bad hombres to own your wife’s yabbos. No private property. That’s what they want. The animals are gonna get ahold of your wife’s tits. That’s what a vote for Sleepy Joe Biden is.
“Less than an hour. I could take back Seattle in less than an hour. Guaranteed. Maybe I should make the very weak, nasty, liberal Governor a deal? I take back the city, and then the real estate belongs to me. I could put up hotels, the whole nine yards. Because you can’t let machine gun blacks take over. Normal blacks, you have to deal with them, but you can’t have machine gun blacks in the street. We’re talking about our beautiful heritage here. The Democrats want to give machine guns to the blacks and let the hombres be bad.
“The media is worse. I call them the flea-dia, because they’re like fleas, and I’m like a magnificent stallion. Obviously a thoroughbred, which I’ve owned several of over the years. Did a lot of winning at the racetrack, and I’m known as an expert horseman. Anyone in the White House has a horse question, they bring it to me. Probably no one knows horses better than me, even horses themselves.
“The ramp thing. The ramp thing and the water thing. It amazes me how they just make up lies, and I’ve asked Bill Barr to have all the press executed, so that’s what we’ll do. Everyone will be so happy, because they lie and lie and lie. ‘Trump can’t walk down a ramp,’ this is what they say, and it’s such a vicious little lie. Everybody knows I’m a ramp man. Some people like stairs, and that’s fine, but I love a ramp. Escalator’s the best, but ramp is great. Ramp is great, and I love ramps, partially because I’m so strong on them. Stairs? You bounce, and there’s this, and there’s that. But ramps? You glide along! You glide along, and gliding is stronger than bouncing, everyone knows that.
“But someone, not me, someone else, I’m not responsible, gave me the wrong shoes. Maybe it was antifa. Sean Hannity says that antifa has infiltrated the White House staff, and maybe he’s right. Maybe I should have the White House staff executed? I’l ask Sean. And they’re leather-soled. Not my nicest sole! I’ve got shoes made entirely of whale leather. So I got the wrong shoes, and one of my generals comes up to me with tears in his eyes. Big tough guy, medals, the uniform, the whole thing. Tears! And he says, ‘Mr. President, let me piggy-back down that ramp. Your stylish, expensive shoes aren’t up to the task, and the filthy mongrel press will make fun of you.’ I thanked him for his service and you know what I did?
“I sprinted down that sonofabitch. You all saw it. You all saw me sprint, but the treasonous news media and Twitter, which I am bombing this week, told such nasty lies about me. Anyway, don’t worry about the Kung Flu anymore. China made it, but I took care of it. It’s gone. Can someone bring me a McChicken?”
DONALD TRUMP NOT BEING BROUGHT A McCHICKEN NOISE
“McChicken?”
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