- Donald Glover, because there’s literally nothing that man can’t do.
- Eric Schpeiderman, your friendly neighborhood prosecutor.
- Michael Avenatti. (If he can fit it in between teevee hits.)
- Grimes.
- A big bucket that rich people throw bribes into. (No, wait: that’s already serving as NY’s District Attorney.)
- Bobby Valentine in a fake mustache.
- A right-wing commentator who, when named as the city’s top cop, will whine about being marginalized.
- Cynthia Nixon. (Cuomo is not smart enough to do this. His father was, but he isn’t.)
- Tiffany Haddish. (She’s so hot right now.)
- The very worst pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Ptrump.
- Barry Zuckercorn.
- A small Puerto Rican boy named Bobo who is afraid of fire hydrants.
- Annie Sprinkles.
- Blue-and-yellow umbrella with “SABRETT’S” written on it.
- ‘Ye.
- Another mediocre fucking white man from the Ivy League.
- A particularly clever golden retriever. (Nothing in the law says we can’t appoint a…
- GODDAMMIT, AIR BUD RULES ARE NOT IN EFFECT FOR EVERYTHING!
- Okay, first of all: you shouldn’t be in the Bullet Points.
- Second: you broke into a parenthesis, which is fucked-up.
- Third: don’t yell at me.
- Fourth: AIR BUD RULES APPLY TO ALL SITUATIONS!
- I hate you deeply.
- Join the club.
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Screw being AG for the State of New York: Michael Avenatti is ready for prime time and should run for President in 2020. Just watching Avenatti debate President Dennison would be worth it. I like the idea of Bobby Valentine in a fake mustache though.
There is no occasion that would not be improved by the presence of Bobby Valentine in a fake mustache.