Hey, USNS Comfort. Whatcha doing?
“Fleet Week, baby! Hitting the Big Apple! Gonna see some Broadway shows, maybe have some papaya dogs. Comfort’s getting laid!”
What?
“I’m fucking with you. I’ll be docking off the West Side, and used as a non-corona hospital. Those city hospitals are gonna get real viral, real fast. I will be a site of healthful refuge for folks who, you know, break their legs or whatever.”
Awesome. Thanks, pal.
“It’s what I do; It’s why I’m here.”
Tell us all about yourself.
“Welp, I got a thousand beds, and about that many staff. Tons of doctors, nurses, techs, all that. ICU beds, burn wards, pediatric units, and dental suites, too. I even got my own desalinator to make fresh water.”
You’re awesome.
“Kinda.”
Can you do a barrel roll?
“No. Boats, as a rule, do not do barrel rolls.”
I’ve seen kayaks do it.
“I am the opposite of a kayak.”
With that attitude, yeah.
“We were having such a productive discussion.”
Sorry. I get distracted. Thanks so much for your service.
“Like I said: It’s what I–
ALSO SPRACH ZARATHRUSTA NOISE
“–do…what the hell is that?”
You might have a stowaway.
“TH’ KING AIN’T NO STOWAWAY! AH’M HERE T’ FIGHT TH’ HEEBIE-JEEBIES!”
“Elvis?”
“THASS DOCTOR ELVIS, MD! AH HAVE BEEN GRANTED SPECIAL MEDICAL POWERS BAH MAHSELF.”
“You can’t do that. Listen, man–”
“BACK UP, RUDDERFACE! YOU WILL ADDRESS ME BAH MAH PROPER TITLE OR YER GETTIN’ SO MUCH KARATE AH CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT!”
“I’m a boat. Like, an enormous one. No amount of karate could–”
“CHARLIE HODGE, BRING ME MAH NUNCHUCKS!”
…
“GODDAMMIT, BOY, THIS IS JUST TWO BOTTLES O’ WAWA TIED TOGETHER WITH A TOWEL!”
“I’m trying to help people here.”
“AN’ AH’M TRYIN’ T’ HELP CHARLIE HODGE, BUT HIS LEARNIN’ DEFICIENCIES MAKE TH’ TASK NEAR IMPOSSIBLE. NOW, TELL ME WHERE MAH OFFICE AN’ DOJO IS!”
“I’m a hospital ship. I don’t have a dojo.”
“TH’ WORLD IS MAH DOJO!”
“Is the first guy I was talking to still available?”
“HE’S PROB’LY PULLIN’ HIS PUD OR SOMETHIN’. JUS’ SHOUT ‘HEY, JEWBOY!’ INTO TH’ ETHER.”
“I am not going to shout that.”
“WELL, AH GUESS IT’S JUS’ GONNA BE YOU AN’ ME, FLORENCE NIGHTGOWN!”
…
“Jewboy?”
Yes?
“What the fuck is happening?”
Comfort, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?
“HI-YAAH!”
“Jesus, he’s karate-chopping nurses. Lemme get back to you.”
Sure thing.
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