Doctor, My Lies

Hey, Soup.

“Ixnay on the Oup-say, man. There’s reporters around. It’s like a water park.”

Watergate.

“Whatever floats your goat, brother. But when we’re in public, just call me Dr. Bernstein.”

Bornstein.

“I don’t need these vultures knowing my business.”

Then why do you keep giving interviews?

“It’s nice to be wanted, man.”

Sure.

“How you feeling? You all good? You wanna get a little better?”

I’m cool.

“I know you’re cool. That’s why I’m asking if you want drugs, man.”

No, thank you.

“Blue Bomber?”

No.

“Black Beauty?”

No.

“Puce Panther?”

What even is that?

“It’s like speed, but patriotic. Here, take a handful for later.”

You’re either the best or worst doctor in the world. So, what happened?

“The GESTAPO, man! They raided my offices and tried to go through my files!”

Tried?

“I don’t write anything down, man. Between me and my nurses, we’ll remember it if it’s important.”

I don’t think that’s how it works.

“Doctors get hung up on ‘histories’ and ‘charts’ and all that, man. Medicine is a much more intuitive art than the teevee tells you.”

Okay. So, some men–

“GOONS, man!”

–from the Trump Organization came by and then what?

“They scared the hell out of my office manager. She still won’t come out from under the copier machine.”

Is your office manager a cat?

“Yes.”

Please continue.

“There were two men and they were very rude. They overturned a whole box of tongue depressors.”

That’s terrible.

“They played keep-away with my stethoscope, man!”

Monsters.

“And this is all because of what? Nothing! So I told the newspaper what medications the President is on? Who says a doctor can’t tell reporters what drugs a patient is using?”

The law. The law says you can’t do that. And ethics. And common courtesy. What you did was wrong in quite literally every way.

“Yeah, but I did it to Trump.”

Still.

“That guy’s a prick, man.”

You didn’t know that?

“I thought he was just gonna be a prick to everyone else, man.”

Lesson learned.

“Eh. You sure you don’t want a little pick-me-up?”

Fuck it, let’s get sloppy.

“My man!”