How To Tell If You’re A Member Of The Intellectual Dark Web

Enthusiasts, a new movement of the mind is upon us. The INTELLECTUAL DARK WEB is here, and demanding all-caps and attention; they also demand to be taken seriously. Yes, Enthusiasts, a brandy-new intelligentsia based upon the tenets of…um…not being blatantly racist…and…some more stuff, I’m sure.

And here’s the fun part: YOU might be a member of the IDW. How to tell? Answer these questions, and we’ll tote up your score at the end.

Are you currently being repressed?

1. Yes.
2. So fucking much.
3. There is no other answer.

What is the venue of your repression?

1. Twice-weekly column in the New York Times.
2. Best-selling self-help book.
3. Podcast with millions of subscribers.
4. Being Michael Shermer.

What should we do about disaffected white youth?

1. Make women have sex with them.
2. Try to understand them.
3. Something something Reddit.
4. Really listen to them.

What should we do about radical Islamic terrorism?

1. Release ebola-infected squirrels into Mecca.
2. Throw paving stones at their children and old folks.
3. Destabilize the region further.
4. Couple more Crusades couldn’t hurt, but I can’t go because of my trick knee.

Complete this sentence: “Transgendered folks are _____.”

1. “…just doing it to annoy me.”
2. “…the single greatest threat to humanity on the planet.”
3. “…EVERYWHERE, MAN! THEY’RE COMING OUT OF THE WALLS! GAME OVER, MAN!”
4. “…most likely secret draculas.”

Black people: yes or no?

1. No, but keep that under your hat.
2. Nah.
3. Nuh-uh.
4. The good ones, I guess.

What bullshit term do you apply to your politics?

1. “Labels are part of the problem; I discuss this in length on my YouTube channel.”
2. Classical Liberal.
3. “I’ll give Trump credit when he gets it right, and he happens to do that quite a bit.”
4. Pre-Vatican II Catholic.

When people disagree with you, it means…

1. They don’t understand your argument.
2. Jewish treachery is afoot.
3. They’re relying on emotions instead of facts.
4. Some races just aren’t capable of certain kinds of thinking.

The fact that one’s audience is exclusively composed of angry, semi-bright white men into video games means…

1. Nothing.
2. Probably nothing.
3. Gosh, I can’t think of anything.
4. You’re a race-baiter.

What do you do if someone calls you a racist?

1. Become even more racist to teach them a lesson.
2. Complain about it on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
3. Set your Twitter followers on them.
4. Clean my room, just like a lobster would.

Here’s how to score: for every answer of (1), give yourself three points, and take away one point from the family member you most resemble; for each answer of (2), go online and price mattresses.; for every (3), masturbate to postage stamps; and for each (4), insist baristas refer to you as the Duke of Phlogiston.

How’d you do, Enthusiasts?