Listen, My Enthusiasts, And You Shall Hear

A long time ago, in Boston…

“I’m only going to explain this one more time.”

“Paul, I’m thiiiiiis close to understanding it.”

“You’ve been saying that for twenty minutes, Jenkins.”

“It’s confusing!”

“It is truly not. If you see the British coming by land, then hang one lantern in the steeple of the Old North Church.”

“Question.”

“Oh, God, what?”

“Are we calling it the ‘Old’ North Church? From our perspective, it’s not that old.”

“I need you to concentrate.”

“Sure, okay.”

“One if by land. You got that?”

“Yes.”

“And if they come by sea, then hang two lanterns.”

“What about the river?”

“What?”

“The Charles. Big river here. What if the British come up the river?”

“That counts as the sea.”

“It’s freshwater!”

“Jenkins, you’re killing me. Land: one. Any variation of water whatsoever: two.”

“Gotcha. What about by air?”

“It’s 1775, jackass.”

“Surely we have hot air balloons.”

“Not for another ten years.”

“Huh. Gliders?”

“Jenkins, there will be no air assault.”

“If you say so, Paul. What if the British ride elephants over the Berkshires?”

“They won’t do that.”

“That’s the arrogance that led to Rome’s downfall.”

“There are no elephants in America.”

“You have literally no way of stating that as a fact. We’ve explored nothing of this continent. It could be elephant central.”

“Jenkins, there are no elephants here.”

“Are you saying we settled a non-elephant country? What’s the point?”

“Freedom!”

“What good is freedom without elephants?”

“Are you just trying to annoy me now?”

“Scenario.”

“Stop talking.”

“What if the Redcoats swoop in on the Eagles of Manwë?”

“Lord of the Rings won’t be written for 150 years, man.”

“What a great surprise attack!”

“Jenkins, I need you to listen to me. Watch the harbor. Watch the fields. When you see the British, put either one or two lanterns in the steeple.”

“Should we be using the church?”

“What do you mean?”

“Separation of Church and State.”

“Not a thing yet.”

“Does anything exist now?”

“Cholera.”

“Anything good?”

“Sometimes someone you hate gets cholera.”

“The past sucks.”

“Regardless. One if by land. Two if by sea.”

“One if by land. Two if by sea. Got it.”

“And have you seen my apprentice anywhere?”

“Johnny Tremain? I think he’s boring grade schoolers.”

“Makes sense.”