Memorandum From The President’s Physician

This morning, while updating the country–the greatest country in the world, by the way–about President Trump’s incredible recovery from Covid-19, I misspoke several times. I also stammered, stuttered, fumfered, straight-up used the wrong word words a couple times, and also was misquoted by the lying media which is also fake.

President Trump did not test positive for the virus 72 hours ago, instead he tested positive for the virus “72 hours” ago. “72 hours” is a medical term we use to mean “sometime before now.” For those doubting me, I advise that they go back and watch the briefing we gave, and see what clean lab coats we were wearing. And scrubs! Don’t forget the scrubs.

And “48 hours ago” isn’t the same as “two days ago.” Two days ago starts at 25 hours ago. There’s a lot of wiggle room in between “48 hours” and “two days.” Get that straight, fake news.

Similarly, I made a misstatement when relaying news of President Trump’s oxygen intake. What I should have said was, “Of course President Trump is on oxygen! We’re all on oxygen! That’s what we breathe, silly!” I should’ve said that, but I didn’t. It should also be noted that President Trump breathes better than probably anyone who’s ever breathed before. Guy’s got a set of lungs on him.

As to what medicines the President has been on: We have administered remymartin…remylebeau…remsleep…you know what I’m talking about. The New Hotness. We gave the President eight grams of the New Hotness by IV push, and he seemed to enjoy that. The President was also administered an off-label cocktail I like to call a Goody-Goody Gumdrop. There’s a bunch of stuff in that needle, and it’ll put some lead in your pencil. The President really enjoyed that. We had to wrestle him back into bed.

At this point, we cannot rule out the possibility that the President was deliberately infected by child-eating Satanists, or Joe Biden’s crackhead kid. Everything’s still on the operating table.