Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Page 457 of 1031

For The Benefit Of Mr. Barlow

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Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Group shot.”

Yeah.

“Benefit for Barlow. Hospitals are expensive.”

Better than the alternative.

“Depends on your level of Buddhism, I guess.”

I have zero Buddha-nature. I have Daffy Duck nature.

“I can see that.”

How many of these people can you name?

“I could give ’em all names, if I wanted to.”

No, I meant their actual names.

“Ah.”

“Well, there’s Ramblin’ Jack.”

Of course.

“Other folks.”

There ya go.

“Wait, wait. That’s my keyboardist.”

And his name is?

“I stopped learning their names three or four keyboardists ago. You get attached.”

Sure. Keep going.

“Is the guy on the end Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter?”

Yes.

“Okee-doke.”

Question.

“Is it about the shirt?”

It’s about the shirt.

“It’s me.”

Yeah.

“And it says ‘STFU.’ That means ‘Stop Talking, Focus Up here.'”

It doesn’t.

“Then my daughters are messing with me again.”

Probably. Baller move wearing a shirt your own face on it.

“Victory Lap, man.”

Oh, no capitalizing.

“Billy got to capitalize Summer of Skank.”

It’s October. Summer’s over.

“Nope. Fall of 2016 is officially the Bob Weir Victory Lap.”

Dammit.

“I should probably steal the Earthroamer.”

Yeah, okay.

The Boys Will Be Boys

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Sometimes we go left to right, sometimes we don’t. This is one of those “don’t” times.

  • You could show Lawrence of Arabia on Keith’s forehead.
  • As with all early Dead photos, one member is wearing a silly hat. (Not Pig; Pig’s hat is not silly; Pig’s hat is awesome, but only on Pig. Were any other Grateful Dead wearing the hat, it would become silly.)
  • Calm down, Phil.
  • This might be a shot from Europe ’72, I’m not sure, but it looks cold; someone get Keith a jacket.
  • Later that afternoon, Billy’s mustache and Bobby’s coat made loud, angry love in full view of the students at school for the Deaf.
  • Garcia is friends with a bear, and they have adventures.
  • Also, Garcia is friends with Bear; they, too, have adventures.
  • Seriously, Phil: simmer down.

Two More Things To Read, And A Picture

This is another article about the Grateful Dead, also from Rolling Stone, but not by David Browne, as it is from 1973 and David Browne does not have access to Time Sheath technology. (I might have let him borrow it, but there was no discussion of me in the Bobby interview, so David Browne will remain an unpilgrim, stuck in time.) The article’s a good one: half about the band’s ludicrous ramblings and plans, and half about the logistical process of getting a PA in and out of an arena.

Watches, Enthusiasts, are a dead technology fetishized by anoraks and the moneyed bored; they’re like horses for your wrist. But this Guardian article about the luxury watch market is excellent and fascinating, filled with all kinds of hilarious facts. Did you know the fancy timepieces, the shit Josh buys, the real high-dollar stuff: they don’t keep particularly good time; a quartz watch beats them, and obviously your phone beats everything.

(There are activities that require watches still–outdoorsy bullshit, and navigating, or if you’re off the grid–but we don’t keep the time in clocks any more. Along with everything else in our society, we’ve translated time into binary and entrusted it to the computers. If you want to know what time it is in 2016, you need to ask the computers, otherwise you ‘re just estimating.)

I promised you a picture; here is it:

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Goes with the Bobby one, doesn’t it?

Bobby, Browne

Two new Dead-related items from FoTotD David Browne winging over the transom today, Enthusiasts, and you should go read them; the first is about the Dead playing the grand opening of the North Face store in North Beach, and two important things happened that day.

First: this was the Dead’s first corporate gig. Later on, they would do Levi’s commercials, and sell ice cream, and a veritable Wall of Merch; every one of these ventures caused Deadheads to accuse them of selling out, but true Enthusiasts know that the Dead began selling out the very instant anyone offered them any money. (Although, North Face could be seen as “clean graft.” It was hip and chic and snow-bunnies and apres-ski were big back then, so it wasn’t like hawking toothpaste or anything.)

Second: this may have been the first time the Hells [sic] Angels were used as security, and that turned out to be a miscalculation down the line.

(The article is in Men’s Journal, and after ten minutes of poking around the site, I have come to a conclusion: men don’t like being outdoors as much they like buying geegaws to facilitate being outdoors.)

The other piece is in Rolling Stone, and it’s an interview with Bobby. There’s an illustration that goes with it, and the artist was laboring under the delusion that he was working for the Wall Street Journal. Look:

bobby-cartoon

Right? Like he’s written an op-ed about the primacy of copyright law, or how climate change can best be cured via the free market.

Now, do I accuse David Browne of things? Yes, of course, obviously. I could not accuse the man more vociferously; there is much vocifer in my accusations. Was I discussed? I was not, Enthusiasts, though I found several allusions. (You can find allusions to yourself in anything if you’re crazy enough.)

There is an interesting exchange, though, in which Bobby talks (just a little, and obliquely) about the rumors of waywardness and dipsomania that sprung up that year he kept falling over in public. Bobby brings it up first, and then David asks him about it, and then Bobby starts talking about 1972. Go read it; I’m not lying.

Vote (A Little Too) Early And Vote Often

oteil-baby-vote

Hey, Oteil. Whatcha doOMIGOD LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.

“Gonna be a ladykiller.”

The curls! He looks pre-Raphaelite!

“If you say so.”

Give him some wings and a bow & arrow.

“Getting weird.”

Little, yeah. Sorry.

Wait.

VOTER FRAUD!

“No.”

THIS IS WHAT TRUMP’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT!

“They just gave him a sticker.”

How much did Hillary pay your baby!?

“Stop this.”

BENGHAZI!

“We’re leaving.”

Transcript Of Donald J. Trump’s Remarks – Boynton Beach, FL, 10/24/16

“Look at this, great. Huge. Everywhere I go, there’s tremendous crowds, the biggest crowds. Everywhere Hillary goes, she has Parkinson’s disease. That’s the difference between us, aside from the fact that she’s Satan and only I can save America. Big crowd, big crowd, great.

“Press is right over there, can you see them? Some of them are wearing little hats? I can’t see, maybe. They all work for Hillary and they lie. They lie, folks. Lyin’ press, that’s what I call them. I do great things, perfect things, and they lie. They say I lost the debate. How can anyone say that? Hillary gets the questions ahead of time. Chris Wallace–who is a real loser, father would be ashamed, bad guy–was shining a laser pointer in my eyes. Camera didn’t catch it. I wonder why? Did Hillary the Ripper have the cameraman murdered?

“I’m gonna bring jobs back, all the jobs. I’m gonna teach the blacks to read, all the blacks. Terrorists have to die. First day! All the terrorists are dead, but I won’t tell you how I’m going to do it. Smart. Hillary, who is not smart and smells like an old lady, is going to start World War III. I have heard audio of her discussing this. ‘I’m gonna launch the bombs the minute I’m inaugurated.’ That’s what she said, believe me, I heard it. She hates you so much, Hillary. She’s a wicked devil person.

“She throws more women at me, more lying women. Say I grabbed them, all lies. Fiction. Not one hot one! Best was a six, and I only grab eights and up. I never grabbed a woman in my life, but if I did it would be a hot one, very hot. A porn star! They got porn stars coming out and lying now. I’m gonna grab a porn star? Cmon. Why would I grab one when I could just buy one? C’mon. Many women have told me that I could do porn. My equipment. Porn caliber, many women have said that.

“I’m already winning the election. Early voting that’s what they call it. The returns? Tremendous, just tremendous. Never seen so many returns. I keep getting calls from the government, from the people in charge of the voting, ‘Mr. Trump, you’re winning.’ Every day I get these calls, many calls, people who do the voting. ‘They’re gonna steal it from you, Mr. Trump.’ I keep getting that call, too. Caller ID says the White House. Is Obama getting drunk and confessing to me his terrible sins? If he is, he’s a very bad Muslim.

“After this rally, which is enormous, I’m going up north to Tampa. I will win Florida just like I’ve won everything this year. I beat 16 opponents in the primary. Hillary only beat Bernie because she cheated. I won the debate when I exposed her as a puppet, everyone told me that. Hillary is Russia’s puppet, and everyone in Aleppo is dead because of her. Terrible job in Iraq, in Aleppo. Qatar gives Hillary 20 million dollars, and then honors her by strapping homosexuals to the outside of cars and having a demolition derby. They let her drive one of the cars! The press doesn’t report on this!

“America is dying, folks. Just like Hillary, who is also dying. Jobs are gone. Jobs have been replaced by regulations, believe me. Clowns everywhere. Hillary wants open borders, how many clowns are we gonna have by the side of the road then? The clowns are bringing drugs, heroin. Ever see Hillary in a short-sleeve shirt? Track marks? Could be, could be. Is Crooked Hillary a junkie? Maybe that’s why she started ISIS, for the drugs. How many dead people will be voting in this election, which is rigged? Are they even citizens? That’s how crooked Crooked Hillary is: she hires foreign dead people to vote. What about jobs for American corpses?

“I don’t even know where Russia is. Putin this, Putin that: I don’t even know his first name. I have no idea where Russia is, so I should be president. I hear he’s a tough guy, smart. I want everyone to get along, be friends. Why can’t we be friends with Putin? He’s said some nice things about me, and also wants to dismantle NATO. Things in common, great. Putin has no respect for Hillary, which makes him smart. How do you say ‘bitch’ in Russian? That’s what he calls her, however you say it.

“Every day another Wikileak comes out. My ten-year-old shows them to me on the cyber. Very bad! This John Podesta, people should go to his house and burn it down. Bad guy! Sends thugs to my rallies to hit people, start fights. Always second-hand with these people, sneaky. Can’t be trusted! Why doesn’t Hillary do things herself, why does she always let others do her dirty work like a dog? She should fight me like a man, I could take her. Easy, I could take her easy. I’ve never hit a woman, but I would punch Hillary Clinton because I love America so much.

“The press is going to twist that, and lie about me. Watch! I come out here and I speak about how terrible America is, and all they’re going to say is ‘Donald Trump wants to punch Hillary,’ which I never said. Never said it, even though she deserves to punched in the face for all the her corruption and lies. The media, which hates you and hates America, is going to pile on. Watch, you’ll see. The New York Times, who I am going to sue, is very bad, which is why I’ll win the lawsuit. Judge’ll see. Bad! People hide behind the First Amendment, maybe we should use the Second Amendment. You know what I mean, but I’m being sarcastic.

“She kills babies! Hillary. Crooked Hillary, who will throw the Pope in jail, wants to kill babies, and many of those babies are blacks. Hispanic babies, latino they like to be called, she’ll kill them. Hillary Clinton loves abortion, folks. While she was working for Richard Nixon, she was also an abortionist. Hillary Clinton put herself through law school with the proceeds from her abortion business. Priests call and thank me for telling the truth about this. Catholic-hating Hillary believes in abortion up until the baby is three years old.

“We’re winning. Lyin’ press won’t tell you, but we’re winning. Running the board. Men, up. Women. Women are voting for me, even the ugly ones. Many people are telling me that the blacks will stop shooting each other and vote for me. Last week, I talked to Indians. I love Hindu, tremendous country, I’m building over there big league. Orientals, they come up to me and bow, so many Orientals. Latinos, hispanic they like to be called, they come up to me, ‘Si, Senor Trump, si.’ Many of them are rapists and drug lords, but the ones who are not are all voting for me.

“Everyone has said there is voter fraud, everyone. Sean Hannity says it all the time. How could I concede the election, which I’m going to win, when there’s such blatant corruption? People should thank me for exposing this, I’m a hero, no one gives me credit. There could be 100 million fake voters, more. Probably not that many. Hillary can’t afford that many. I could afford it, but I would never rig an election, but if I did that would make me smart. And if I did rig the election, then why didn’t Hillary stop me? It’s her fault.

“Folks. Florida. America is dying. Terrible place. Four more years of Obama? We’ll be gone. Gone! I need to be elected to stop everyone from dying. Everyone is going to die, folks. Horrible deaths, real big league deaths, and only I can stop it. Hillary is going to watch and touch herself. She likes that stuff, filth woman. Only I can make America, which is terrible, great. Thank you, Florida!”

Under Siege 3: This One’s In A Mall*

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“I made art!”

Why do you look like Steven Seagal?

“Shirt collar.”

Yup.

“Art’s the best.”

What about drumming?

“I retract my last statement. But art’s pretty cool. I get up real early, dose all the animals on the property, and then I paint all morning. It’s like CrossFit for your brain.”

That doesn’t make sense, and you need to stop dosing animals.

“They like it.”

Do they?

“They’ve never said anything about it.”

Sure.

*Why have they not done Die Hard in a mall? There are many possibilities for both action and comedy that spring from that location. Someone hire me to write Die Hard in a mall, and my version will not star Mickey. (Unless that’s what you pay for.)

Ki-Yi-Bobby

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“I ever tell you about the summer I spent on a ranch?”

Once or twice.

“Yeah?”

It’s pretty much your origin story.

“On Saturday nights, local, uh, friendly women would swing by the bunkhouse.”

Really.

“They had this old Caddy, from the 40’s. Could hear the thing miles off. Girls piled in it. Like a clown car, but more makeup.”

Sure.

“It would be  good time, y’know? I’d play guitar and Pervert Chuck would sing from in the closet.”

In the closet?

“He got overexcited around the girls. Boundary issues.”

What about when the girls weren’t there?

“Then he’d molest the guys.”

Sure.

“But, you know: a fellow could handle himself. The girls just didn’t want to deal with it, so in he went. One of ’em would go in there and take care of him before they left, but Chuck couldn’t be trusted free.”

Nice of you to sing with him while he was locked in the closet.

“Nothing nice about it. Man had the voice of an angel. Hands of a pervert, but nobody’s perfect.”

Nope.

“There’d be dancing, and foolin’ around. Bottles going around, and food. Bunkhouse had a great cook.”

What was his name?

“Cookie.”

Of course.

“That’s the law. Any sort of western setting? Gotta be called Cookie. Then, later in the night, the ladies would take the guys out to the Caddy.”

Fun times.

“Sure.”

You ever indulge, you sly dog?

“Course, yeah. But, you know: didn’t have to pay.”

Really? Why?

“You ever seen a picture of me at age 15?”

Good point.

“I was a twink. Now I’m a bear, but I was a total twink.”

Why do you even know those terms?

“If I was a teenager these days, at least two high school teachers would be in jail because of me.”

This has gotten weird.

“Maybe I’d be a camboy.”

WHY DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

“Internet.”

Yeah, okay.

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