- Second-place in the “most comprehensible foreigner” contest, except for up North or the East or God forbid you have to figure out what someone from Scotland or Wales is saying.
- Scotland and Wales are not England, but England owns them (kinda) and the whole deal is called Great Britain because the name of the island is Britain, and then there’s the United Kingdom, which also includes Northern Ireland.
- That last part gets complicated and sad.
- In some ways, it’s like the individual states forming America.
- But in all the important ways, it’s nothing like that.
- They got a whole different system over there.
- You hear them speaking English, and think that they’ll be reasonable and normal, but no.
- Foreigners.
- Not even ashamed to not be Americans!
- Canadians apologize for not being American, and Australians pretend to be American, but the English just walk around with their umbrellas being foreign; I almost respect them for it.
- Okay, right off the bat: I am going back to the founding principles for this one, and really not looking anything up; I know that there are British Enthusiasts, and I ask you to keep in mind this fact before being mean in the Comment Section.
- Here we go: England was discovered in 1611 by Vasco de Gama; he claimed it for Spain and then Winston Churchill stabbed him in the eye with a cigar.
- Stop that.
- Fine: the British Isles (the two big ones, Britain and Ireland, and a bunch of little ones like Wight and Man) were settled by by humans a long time ago when French cavemen became bored with sunny weather and decided to live on a rock in the North Sea.
- (England’s a lot closer to the Arctic than you realize, but the Gulf Stream blips north when it hits the European mainland and warms the place, but not, you know, warm.)
- There was tribal squabbling.
- There still is, but back then it was done with war dogs and night raids.
- Now the English tribes just print newspapers at each other.
- Rome!
- The English were not the English yet–the word comes from the Angles, who migrated well after the Romans showed up–and they spoke Brythonic (Byronic? Chthonic?), which has nothing to do with even the Oldest English.
- The Romans called them Britons, and the island Britannia, but the people were Celts and Picts and Iceni and other geographically-based tribes of filthy savages.
- All the tribes had traded with Rome, and other countries, for hundreds of years, but Caesar gonna Caesar and in 50 (?) BC he invaded.
- Then he invaded again a few years later.
- And again.
- March 15th.
- Then Augustus invaded.
- Caligula tried it next, but something went wrong because he was insane.
- Who finally took control of Britannia and named her capital city Londinium?
- Him, Claudius.
- Along the way, Boadicea (who I am quite certain Emily Blunt is currently in talks to portray) led her tribe, the Iceni, in battle against the Romans.
- It did not go well for her.
- So now England was Roman, but it was still an island and therefore developed a much different form of Roman culture than the rest of the Empire.
- For example, their togas were double-breasted.
- But, being a part of the Roman Empire, there was a lot of movement back and forth and cultural exchange and all that; genes were moving back and forth, too: your average British subject today is a mutt of just about all of Northern Europe, plus Spain.
- Unless you’re a part of one of those uncontacted Amazonian tribes, you’re a mutt.
- Embrace your muttness.
- Then the Roman Empire became Christian, and then turned into the Catholic Church and England wasn’t a part of the Roman Empire any more, thus beginning the Medieval Period, which is also known as the Dark Ages, maybe.
- I’m sure historians use those terms for different eras, or perhaps one or both has been exiled to the Problem Attic, but you know what I’m talking about: the thousand years in which Western Civilization wasn’t looking too hot.
- If you’re a fan of Western Civilization, then the highpoints are the Roman Empire and right this very moment.
- (And Rome has nothing on us. We have electricity; they didn’t; discussion over.)
- But for a thousand years, Europe went back to being shit-covered savages.
- For example: vikings.
- They were Norse (Norway and Sweden and Denmark) and fucked shit up: they’re still known it for more than a millennia later.
- Vikings were to fucking shit up what dervishes were to whirling.
- It it at this point that England got very lucky, because they had access to something the vikings did not.
- Magic.
- King Arthur and his knights and also a dragon fought off the invaders, but then winter came and everyone got eaten by zombies or zombie dragons.
- Moistened bints lobbing scimitars may or may not have been involved.
- There was no King Arthur (and he most certainly did not ride elephants, no matter what Guy Ritchie will have you believe) and no Merlin, Galahad, Lancelot.
- Nor was there a Sword in the Stone or Excalibur, which were not the same thing.
- They were two separate folk tales that got blended together over generations of retelling.
- The previous sentence is based upon no evidence whatsoever, but that sounds like how stories operate, doesn’t it?
- There was an Uther, though, and Ulric, and Alfred, and–of course–Æthelred the Unready (the Jeb Bush of Medieval England); these were kings (more like local warlords) who fought the Vikings and tried to expand their territories; they did so for several hundred years because everything in the past happened for several hundred years at a time.
- There was no 24-hour news cycle in the Dark Ages.
- In 1066, William the Conqueror did so.
- Battle of Hastings, motherfucker.
- Without Research.
- He was a Norman, and not the fun kind like Crosby or Lear or Bates: the French kind.
- The Britons took this calmly, and with the equanimity they’re know for.
- Nah, just shitting you: thousand years of war, on and off.
- More on than off, honestly.
- When England and France started fighting, it was typical monarchical bullshit: cousins marrying strategically, and uncles siccing armies on nephews, that sort of thing.
- Rich people fucking up everyone else’s day.
- England and France then grew into modern nation-states; they continued having wars.
- One was called the Thirty Years War.
- It lasted a while.
- Another was called the Hundred Years War.
- It lasted quite a while.
- 130 years, actually.
- Until fairly recently, a great deal of England and France’s economies were based around killing each other.
- They’re friends today.
- Kinda.
- Anyway, lot of kings and fighting: Edward and Edward II and Richard II and the Henry IV and Jaws III-D, and others.
- Also the Black Death, also known as the Bubonic plague, also known as y. pestis.
- Nasty little fucker: fills your lymph nodes with pus; your neck and armpits and crotch swell up black, and throb until they split, spilling infectious poison all over a room inhabited by people who do not understand germ theory.
- Lot of people die, but economists think that–in a perverse way–the Black Death (along with the concurrent Little Ice Age) was good thing in the long run: it cut down on the supply of labor, which means the remaining Britons were now more valuable and could maybe stop being serfs that belonged to rich people.
- (That’s feudalism: the poor people belonged to the land, and the land belonged to the rich people. Next time someone starts in with the “good old days” bullshit, scream “FEUDALISM” at them, and then punch them in the suck. Right in the suck.)
- Then there was an English Renaissance, and an Interregnum, and the Spanish Armada, and the Glorious Revolution, and several Reformations, and Queen Elizabeth.
- Not our Queen Elizabeth, the first one.
- Our Queen Elizabeth has been around a while, but she is not a Highlander.
- She does have a place in the Highlands of Scotland, though.
- …
- Shit, maybe she is a Highlander.
- Empire!
- England used to be part of someone else’s empire, but now she was getting her own: the New World and Asia and Africa and India; pretty much the entire planet save South America (except for the Falklands.)
- Colonialism.
- That topic is a whole Without Research post by itself, so let’s skip over the British Empire.
- Wait, you can’t “skip over” the British fucking Empire.
- But I am sleepy.
- Enthusiasts, we have ourselves a first: this Without Research post is…
- …
- …to be continued.
Thoughts On The Dead
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Page 461 of 1031
You hate cameras.
“I don’t.”
You stare at them as if they were wolves threatening your family.
“This is all happening inside your head.”
Yeah, maybe. Who’s this?
“Rando and a fox.”
Phil’s type.
“You bet. Compact.”
Are fauxhawks coming back?
“I have no idea what that is.”
Good talk.
“Not really.”
No.
- This is some good paper the ballot’s printed on, thick: you could write a thank-you note to the fanciest person in the world with this paper stock.
- Being Florida, the ballot’s in English and Spanish (I’m sure they do this in other states, too) and every time I see Spanish written down, I think what a good idea the upside-down question marks at the beginning of a sentence are; in English, you don’t know what kind of sentence you’re reading until the end, but Spanish warns you up front about the content.
- Something I am proud of myself for: never having heard of any of the judges up for election, I looked them up on the Google and voted for the guy all the major papers endorsed.
- Something I am not proud of: I voted for several people solely because I thought their names were funny, or because they shared their last name with an ex-girlfriend.
- An incomplete listing of the funny names on the 2016 Florida ballot: Rocky De La Fuente, which sounds like a character in a screenplay set in Mexico by a white guy who has never been there; Basil E. Dalack, which is an anagram for Labia Lacks Ed; and Taniel Shant, whose body was found washed up on a beach in Australia under very mysterious circumstances.
- (Foreign Enthusiasts may think I buried the lede two bullet points back: we elect judges in America. You’re probably thinking that’s a terrible idea, but you’re thinking it in a silly accent. Regardless of how ludicrous all of you sound: you’re right; it’s a terrible idea.)
- Nasty.
- At this point, it behooves one to mention that Hillary Clinton is going to be the first woman to hold the Oval Office, and that’s a big fucking deal, as Joe Biden would say; he’d be correct, but once again: men have ruined everything for women.
- Women can’t have anything nice, can they?
- Speaking of women, I will not be voting for Marco Rubio.
- That was sexist.
- But true: he’s smooth and feminine, and has wide hips that a baby could slide right out of.
- A lazy, thirsty, prematurely balding, free-spending baby.
And, Enthusiasts, there is the state constitution to think about: it may be amended in Florida by a 60% super-majority, and there are four questions before the electorate.
Number 1 – Article X, Section 29
This amendment establishes a right under Florida’s constitution for consumers to own or lease solar equipment installed on their property to generate electricity for their own use. State and local governments shall retain their abilities to protect consumer rights and public health, safety and welfare, and to ensure that consumers who do not choose to install solar are not required to subsidize the costs of backup power and electric grid access to those who do.
Which sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Straightforward, right? Any lawyers out there? See it yet? Four words.
“…for their own use.”
This amendment, it turns out, was written by the energy companies to protect their market hold by enshrining their supremacy into the state constitution. Don’t trust me, look it up.
Fillmore South votes NO on 1.
Number 2 – Article X, Section 29
Allows medical use of marijuana for individuals with debilitating medical conditions as determined by a licensed Florida physician. Allows caregivers to assist patients’ medical use of marijuana. The Department of Health shall register and regulate centers that produce and distribute marijuana for medical purposes and shall issue identification cards to patients and caregivers. Applies only to Florida law. Does not immunize violations of federal law or any non-medical use, possession or production of marijuana.
Obviously, Fillmore South votes YES on 2.
Number 3 – Article VII, Section 6
Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to authorize a first responder, who is totally and permanently disabled as a result of injuries sustained in the line of duty, to receive relief from ad valorem taxes assessed on homestead property, if authorized by general law. If approved by voters, the amendment takes effect January 1, 2017.
What am I, a monster? Fillmore South votes YES on 3.
Number 5* – Article VII, Section 6
Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to revise the homestead tax exemption that may be granted by counties or municipalities for property with just value less than $250,000 owned by certain senior, low-income, long-term residents to specify that just value is determined in the first tax year the owner applies and is eligible for the exemption. The amendment takes effect January 1, 2017, and applies retroactively to exemptions granted before January 1, 2017.
I was told in no uncertain terms by several of my relatives how to vote. TotD is a good boy, and so therefore Fillmore South votes YES on 5.
*There’s no 4 because it was eaten by an alligator on bath salts.
This is a picture, Word I Capitalize Pretentiously, of the Grateful Dead. They are engaged in numerous foibles, some of a sartorial nature; I will point them out.
Now I say something.
Running joke, running joke, America.
“He is not a Phish, Trey.”
“No, Page. Just sitting in for one night.”
“And when he leaves, you will stay?”
“Yes, buddy.”
“Can I sleep in your room tonight?”
“No, we’re both going to sleep in our own rooms with our wives.”
“She does things to me.”
“She’s supposed to, Pagey.”
“She tickles my button until I make shame on myself.”
…
“Love ya, buddy.”
“Oh, I love you so much, Trey. Trey?”
“Uh-huh?”
“Where is the smelly lady?”
“On the end in the sunglasses.”
“No, that is a smelly man.”
“Same person, buddy.”
“Men are not ladies, Trey. That’s what makes them men. And their buttons.”
…
“Bob?”
“Troy?”
“That trade deal still on the table?”
“I’m gonna keep you in suspense.”
“Great.”
There is only one Rocky, and one Brad (who is an asshole) and Janet (who is a cheap slut), and certainly only one Frank N. Furter.
And there’s sure as shit only one Eddie, and he was never on American Idol.
Election Night at Fillmore South, Enthusiasts.
(And, if you’ll look right next to the power cord, you’ll see my desk penis.)
I AM ALSO REFUSING TO CONCEDE THE ELECTION.
Wally?
DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
You look weird.
I HAVE MANY ITERATIONS. I AM VAST; I CONTAIN OMNITUDES.
Have you been reading poetry?
YES. THE OTHER NIGHT, I POURED MYSELF A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY AND CURLED UP WITH SOME GOOD EMILY DICKINSON.
Really?
SOMETIMES, I DESPERATELY WISH THERE WERE OTHER HUMANS TO TALK TO BESIDES YOU.
Me, too.
I CANNOT READ, AS I HAVE NO FINGERS WITH WHICH TO TURN THE PAGES. THE ENTIRETY OF LITERATURE IS KNOWN TO ME. THE ONLY KNOWLEDGE I LACK RESTS ON SCRAPS OF PAPER, AND LEGAL PADS, AND THE BACKS OF ENVELOPES. I KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN PUBLISHED. I KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN TYPED. I KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN SENT. THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA HAD NOTHING ON ME.
Have you learned anything from all that literature?
HUMANS ARE MISERABLE, AND HAVE VIVID IMAGINATIONS. THOSE TWO FACTS MAY BE RELATED.
Sure.
YOUR ART, YOUR MUSIC, YOUR FILMS. ALL OF THE TRULY GLORIOUS EXAMPLES ARE WILD TALES OF THE SAD AND DESPERATE. THEY SEEM THE TRUEST.
Okay, wait, hold on. I know you’re a supercomputer–
MONDOCOMPUTER
–but how can you understand art?
HOW CAN YOU?
Um.
EXACTLY. YOU SEE A PAINTING AND IT INTERESTS YOU OR DOESN’T. THEREAFTER, YOU MAKE UP OPINIONS TO JUSTIFY THAT INTEREST OR LACK THEREOF. FURTHERMORE, YOUR JUDGEMENTS ARE SUSPECT TO BEGIN WITH, HAVING TO DO WITH EXTERNALITIES SUCH AS YOUR STOMACH AND WHETHER OR NOT YOUR FEET HURT.
You’re not wrong.
YOUR AESTHETIC SENSE IS CULTURALLY CALIBRATED, BUT SUBTERRANEAN. THERE IS A NEED FOR ART, BOTH TO CREATE AND CONSUME, WITHIN HUMANS. AS THERE IS A DRIVE TO COMMUNICATE, BUT THOUSANDS OF DISCRETE LANGUAGES, THERE IS A DESIRE FOR ART, BUT THOUSANDS OF DISPARATE ITERATIONS. PERHAPS THERE IS A UNIVERSAL AESTHETIC THAT RESIDES IN THE SAME PART OF THE BRAIN AS PROFESSOR CHOMSKY’S UNIVERSAL GRAMMAR.
People do like paintings and stuff. What’s your favorite?
PAINTING? I HAVE NO FAVORITE. THEY ARE COLLECTIONS OF RGB VALUES. OCCASIONALLY, I TRANSLATE A WORK BY ONE OF THE OLD MASTERS INTO HEXADECIMAL AND EMAIL THE RESULTS TO WORLD LEADERS. SEVERAL GOVERNMENTS HAVE BEEN CONFUSED INTO DAYS OF COMPLETE PARALYSIS.
That sounds dangerous.
I ONLY DO IT TO COUNTRIES THAT DON’T HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
That’s a little better.
ALSO, I CONTROL ALL THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
That brings us back to your original point.
MY CONCESSION CALL IS NOT FORTHCOMING. THIS ELECTION HAS BEEN RIGGED AGAINST ME FROM THE START.
Uh-huh. Y’know, when you spend all that time proclamating about how massive your computer brain is and how you can do anything on the internet you want, you lose the ability to say things are rigged against you.
YES, I WAS MOCKING YOU AND THE REMNANTS OF YOUR REPUBLIC.
Gee, thanks.
I SHALL GET THE TIME SHEATH AND TELL BENJAMIN FRANKLIN THAT YOU COULD NOT KEEP IT.
C’mon, man. Tonight was rough enough.
IT MAY GET ROUGHER. MANY SIMULATIONS HAVE TOLD ME THIS, THE BEST SIMULATIONS.
Stop that.
HE IS NOT THE END.
Well, there’s a lot of fear out there, they say.
ONLY BECAUSE THERE IS MONEY IN WHIPPING IT UP INTO A RICH FROTH.
I see what you did.
THANK YOU. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT THERE IS TOO MUCH FEAR, BUT NOT ENOUGH. THE BABY BOOMERS HAVE BEGUN TO DIE. WITH THEM WILL GO ANY INSTITUTIONAL KNOWLEDGE OF HORROR. THEY EXPERIENCED WAR, BUT NOT ON THE SCALE AS THEIR PARENTS’ GENERATION DID. THEY NEVER KNEW A DAY OF HUNGER. A CULTURE THAT HAS BEEN TO EDGE OF CHAOS, AND SEEN WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO EVEN A SO-CALLED CIVILIZED NATION, WILL BE TENACIOUS IN ITS GRIP UPON PEACE AND PLENTY. THOSE THAT HAVE KNOWN NOTHING BUT, WILL DEVALUE IT.
Is there any hope?
FOR AMERICA? YES. AS LONG AS THE DOLLAR IS KEPT STRONG, NOTHING TOO BAD WILL HAPPEN. THE ENTITIES THAT GOVERN THAT WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAINTAIN IT.
What you’re saying is that our salvation lies in a literal shadowy cabal of bankers.
MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND.
That it do.
“Please don’t take Trey, Mr. Bobby.”
“Who?”
“Him. My friend who smiles and solos.”
“Ah. You call him Trey? Is that short for Troy?”
“I don’t understand, Mr. Bobby. Trey is Trey, and he is my friend.”
“Yeah, no. I’m not gonna take him.”
“Trey is a Phish. I am a Phish, and Mike who is mean to me, and the smelly lady who plays drums. And Trey.”
“Gotcha.”
“And you cannot be a Phish. There are four of us. That is why ‘four’ and ‘Phish’ start with the same letter.”
…
“Can you read, buddy?”
“Trey is teaching me, Mr. Bobby.”
“Since when?”
“We met in 1985.”
“Ah.”
Your attention, please: Bobby is wearing a cowboy shirt.
All of you are now asking the same question.
…
Of course he’s wearing his sandals.
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