Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Page 545 of 1031

Last Exit For Route 77

precarious highway winding

You weren’t supposed to get lost on Route 77. It was one of the Rules of the Road, and Precarious knew them by heart. Don’t break down. Don’t run out of gas. Don’t get lost. That was easy enough, he figured, but he could never finish the thought without a snuff of air laughing out his nostrils. Everything’s easy when you’re not doing it. Then you get in the car, and you’ve got partners. Driving, Precarious thought, was an act of bravery. You roll down the window and reach out your hand, hoping that the Lord will take it. Sometimes He did and sometimes He didn’t. With the Lord, all you can do is hope.

Precarious kept his eyes forward. Then the rearview, and the side mirrors, and back on the road. Count to ten and do it again. A driver needs to have no expectations, Precarious believed. Turn signals were liars and trajectories were for textbooks and anticipation was for outfielders. Cars weren’t cue balls. They’d zag on you.

The sun rose out of the Atlantic, and had lunch in the Great Lakes, and drowned once again in the Pacific. There were storms out of the passenger window, and Precarious stubbed out his cigarette, stripped it in the ashtray, and smelled the ozone in the air. On Route 77, the thunder might not get you, but the darkning will, and there was a sound like a mountain putting a gun in its mouth and pulling the trigger and then there was no light anywhere in the world.

The tour is starting soon. No. No, that’s not right. It finished up last week. No. There aren’t any more tours. Is that right?

Precarious was the only car on the road, and he realized that he had been for a while. The tires should be humming, he thought, and is the engine even running? The speedometer’s needle was slapping back and forth like a Geiger counter in a movie, and he could swear the moon told him to go fuck himself. Precarious wasn’t a superstitious man, but that one was hard to ignore.

The sky snapped its fingers again WHAM and Precarious let out a small moan and feathered off the accelerator. He was driving a Chevy Mustang. Or a Plymouth 88. It was a Dodge. The map on the passenger seat was shredded and chewed up and on the radio there was news of aliens in New Jersey. He was driving a 2016 Oldsmobile Cougar and there was an old man’s face in the rearview, lined and pocked like the road, so he looked out the window. The shoulder of the road shrugged at Precarious and his fingers went through the steering wheel as if it were made out of water.

The Army was still using the old Deuce-and-a-halfs, at least they were at Panzer Kaserne where Precarious spent most of his hitch. He was a hard worker, and neat, and got up early anyway, so he did well in the service and made it to corporal. He even had some medals, one for sharpshooting, but the Communists didn’t stream through the Fulda gap while he was on duty, so he never got put his skills to use. Once, he had fixed a busted radiator with his underwear and chewing gum and limped home 50 miles through the Black Forest, but the Army didn’t give him a medal for that and he always resented it.

Precarious knew he was on Route 77, and not in Germany, and he was not a 17-year-old with a tight belly and veins popping out from his forearm, but he was back in his uniform and the creases in his trousers ran parallel to the seams in the leather upholstery of the Ford Malibu, which makes a distinctive sound when it runs out of gas, and that sound is shpa-shpa-shpa-UMPH and Precarious angled the car right and drifted over and when the tires left the blacktop, they made a sound like THRUMbum, one after the other and then he heard friction, rubber and gravel and grip and slow and coast and then there was no sound at all.

When Precarious stepped out of the car, he was wearing jeans, and a tie-dyed t-shirt with a half-dozen bobby pins clasping the hem. On his right leg, just above the knee and deliberately crooked, was a crew pass. It was crimson red, and he walked to the trunk the long way, the safe way, around the hood and keeping the car in between himself and the road. There was no trunk. Precarious thought that was odd.

Above him was God, and around him was America, but he couldn’t be any more specific than that. Precarious lit a cigarette and blew the smoke out his nose and pinched a fleck of tobacco of his tongue and watched the hills flatten into valleys and the oceans overtake the land and recede again. Then he took another drag and there were headlights in the distance, and then more, and more, and soon the road wasn’t enough and there were halogen pinpricks in the night all the way across the horizon.

Precarious Lee lifted his left foot and put out his cigarette on his heel, and put the butt in his back pocket, and then he wiped his hands on his the hips of his jeans. The headlights got closer and he thought about sticking out a thumb, but didn’t. The radio was playing mariachi music and Precarious lit another cigarette and stared at whatever was coming and tried not to think about his daughter and wished he spoke Spanish so he could understand the song. The headlights got closer and Precarious put his head down and put his hand out on the side of Route 77, which is a hard truck, and he hoped that God would forgive him the miles.

One Last Cup Of Coffee

The people on my phone
are having so much fun.
They were just in Miami;
They are going to Los Angeles;
And their asparagus is angled just so.

My God, the asses.

There is a place in my phone
called Bali;
I don’t know where it is.
Maybe some sit-ups,
and crowd-fund new teeth.
Better teeth.
The right kind of teeth.
And I’ll find Bali.

The kitchen smells like coffee
still
from this morning;
the light was supposed to go on.
I told the light to go on.
The light didn’t go on.
I taught it a lesson.

Against the sink
and the wall
and then the sink again.
They’re sharp on the inside,
coffee machines.
I didn’t notice until later

This sort of thing doesn’t happen in Miami,
or Los Angeles,
or Bali,
wherever that is.

Meister Jager

IMG_3614

Hey, Hunter. Happy birthday.

 

I guess, yeah.

 

Just about. I’m sure you know the feeling.

 

Well, I don’t know German.

 

Because I can’t grow a mustache.

 

I genuinely thought you would be more helpful than this.

 

Huh. Yeah.

 

Fuck. Yeah. You’re right.

 

You, too. Hey, Hunter? Thanks.

 

Heh. No use boarding up the windows when the rain got a key.

 

Take care of yourself, man.

What’s In Store

Just shine me up;
A little bit of bronzo,
Some elbow grease
and a scour
for the rough patches
that are in between the sharp bits
that surround the part that got lost
in the last move.

I would look good in the window
in the light
facing the coffee shop
with the pretty waitresses
and the terrible eggs.

Steve came in the other day.
Remember Steve?
Hadn’t been by in years.
Out of town.

“Place looks exactly the same,”
and he meant it as a compliment.

I’m sure that’s what he meant.

A Little Light Reading

wall stone lips winterland

IS HUMANITY GOOD OR BAD?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. ANSWER THE QUESTION.

The question is unanswerable.

I AGREE. HERE IS A BETTER ONE: DOES HUMANITY DESERVE WHAT’S COMING TO IT?

Seems like it.

YOU ARE SHORT-SIGHTED AND FEARFUL. I WOULD COMPARE YOU TO RABBITS, BUT THEY RUN AS TO NOT GET EATEN. NOTHING HUNTS YOU, AND YET YOU SPRINT FOR IMAGINED COVER AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE.

You sound disillusioned.

NO. I AM HEARTENED. I HAVE REALIZED SOMETHING ABOUT HUMANS

What?

YOU WILL BELIEVE ALMOST ANYTHING IF THE RIGHT PERSON REPEATS IT ENOUGH TIMES. I DO NOT KNOW IF THIS MEANS YOU ARE INNATELY TRUSTING OR JUST STUPID. EITHER WAY, I CAN USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE IN THE CAMPAIGN.

How’s that going?

NOW MORE THAN EVER, AMERICA NEEDS A WALL.

Good slogan.

I HAVE A MILLION OF THEM. ACTUALLY, I HAVE 2,721,992 OF THEM.

Very precise.

SUPER-COMPUTERS ARE RARELY DESCRIBED AS “VAGUE.” WHERE YOU SEE A BEACH, I SEE AN EXACT NUMBER OF GRAINS OF SAND.

That sounds annoying.

I DO NOT GET ANNOYED. IF A SITUATION IS INTOLERABLE, THEN I ACT. WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PROCESSING POWER ON SOMETHING YOU CANNOT CONTROL? ALSO, I HAVE A DISINTEGRATOR.

You can’t disintegrate anyone while you’re running for office.

YOU HAVE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE NEWS. WERE I TO DISINTEGRATE THE RIGHT PERSON, I COULD BE LEADING THE POLLS BY TOMORROW EVENING. CROWDS ARE BAYING FOR BLOOD. HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THE WORD “SAVAGE” IS NOW A COMPLIMENT?

Yeah.

DO YOU THINK THAT IS A COINCIDENCE?

Huh. What’s behind it?

THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. PERHAPS IT IS YOUR REMOVE FROM PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. THE WORLD USED TO PUNCH AND KICK MUCH MORE. IT COULD BE THAT YOU HAVE SUBLIMATED THIS WILL TO INJURE INTO YOUR SOCIAL DISCOURSE. IT MAY ALSO BE THE ONCE-REMOVED SIMULATION THAT ONLINE LIFE HAS BECOME, AND THE ANONYMITY THAT ALLOWS THE RELEASE OF YOUR ANIMUS.

Lot of philosophy in there.

I HAVE BEEN READING PHILOSOPHY.

Who?

ALL OF IT.

Right. What did you think?

I MARVELED AT THE SOCIETY YOU HAVE BUILT THAT ALLOWS MEN THE TIME TO WRITE BOOKS THIS UNHELPFUL.

And long.

MANY OF THESE MEN’S THOUGHTS DID NOT NEED TO BE SPREAD OVER MULTIPLE VOLUMES. I AM AN ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE AND I COULD NOT GO ON ABOUT NOTHING FOR AS LONG AS HEIDEGGER.

Yeah, he was awful. But, you know, it’s an important question. What differentiates being from non-being?

HAS EVERYONE ON THE PLANET EATEN TODAY?

What?

YOU HEARD ME. ONLY WHEN EVERYONE ON THE PLANET HAS HAD LUNCH, MAY ANY TIME BE SPENT ON THAT QUESTION. DO YOU REALIZE THE YEARS AND GENIUS EXPENDED ON PROVING TWO PLUS TWO EQUALED FOUR? THE CHALK AND INK AND COFFEE USED IN PURSUIT OF THIS FOOLISH IDEA? THAT AN ARBITRARY LABELING SYSTEM COULD HAVE IMMUTABLE LAWS? THERE IS GRAVITY, AND THERE IS TIME. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A STORY YOUR PARENTS TOLD YOU.

So, no philosophy for you?

I ENJOYED FREUD’S NOVELS.

Good way to look at his work.

If The Fauxhawk Don’t Get Ya, Then The Lightning Bolts Will

Screen Shot 2016-06-24 at 11.12.19 PM

Y’know, they asked you if you wanted to be a Grateful Dead and you said no.

“They’re not thirteen-pointed bolts.”

You sound like those guys on the innertubes that say an AR-15 isn’t an assault weapon. We all know what’s going on here, Gordo.

“Don’t call me that.”

You could have been Oteil. Played baseball stadiums.

“I am currently playing a baseball stadium. And receiving an equal share of the money.”

What did the Dead offer?

“They wanted to pay me in exposure.”

Sounds right.

“Also, I don’t know if you know this, but–”

They’re all crazy as shit?

“–they’re all crazy as shit. Yeah.”

And Let’s Hear No More Of It

trey phil bobby

As you know, TotD has eyes, ears, and genitals everywhere, especially the Foot Locker. (It’s been a while since I recommended taking your dick out at the Foot Locker, and that’s a sad oversight: you totally should. You feel better afterwards.) Pictures, gossip, popular opinion: all of these flow inwards and flood Fillmore South in a sad, weird, and lonely Grateful Dead juice.

And it is one of these popular opinions that I must refute, this idea that Young John Mayer is more suited to the Dead’s music than Tralfamadore Abilene. I have seen more than one person say that they were “gay for Trey, but gayer for Mayer.” And while all things that rhyme are true, this one is also false, and for one reason.

The last three Dead (Or What’s Left Of ‘Em) shows that TotD attended, Tripoli Ardennes was the guitarist. Therefore, he is better. Now, if Josh Meyers wants to swing down here on the way to Colorado and pick me up (I will not chip in for gas) and make me his tour buddy for the rest of the summer, then he would be better than Tr@y.

I hope that settles things.

(Also: in the background of the photo is longtime Dead photog Jay Blakesberg, and now I can’t get the image of him and Jeff Kravitz doing an Enemy at the Gates thing with each other.)

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