Fuck it: it’s Bruce Day.
Seriously: does anyone have this information I’m looking for? Who’s playing Charlotte on June 10th? The circus? Monster truck show? Is it a band? Is it a band I’ve heard of? Who could it be?
Thoughts On The Dead
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
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I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but I’m from Jersey. Proud of that today.
Does anyone know who’s scheduled to play Charlotte on June 10th?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKtvIhjEovA
Doing the right thing shouldn’t be rare, not should it need to be pointed out and rewarded. Except that it’s a shitty and mean world, full of God and money and dumb, so: Good for you, Bruce.
Song’s from Charlotte, by the way.
“We were playing…and suddenly I was viewing this from about 20 feet behind my head, and I looked over at John from that point of view and it was 20 years later and John was almost fully gay. I looked over at Oteil and his hair was white. I looked over to my left and Jeff’s hair was all gray.”
Fully gay. Not just, you know: some dicks on the weekend. Fully gay.
Even when it’s a typo, Bobby gonna Bobby. Read it here and I’ll goof on it later if the place doesn’t fill up with Garcias.
“You rang?”
Get out! Too early for this bullshit!
“I’m Pay Cable Garcia. Wanna see some blood and tits?”
Get out!
- [embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze2kpOZx_kU[/embedyt]
- This is the future that we have chosen: a new, carefully-calibrated, competently-executed Star Wars product every year until you fucking die.
- Remember that thing you liked?
- Here, choke on it.
- Please note for the record that TotD was the first to declare that we have reached Peak Star Wars.
- There is a backlash coming; a rebellion, if you will.
- Anyway, the actual trailer isn’t a trailer: it’s a teaser trailer, but keep in mind that words don’t mean anything anymore.
- It’s a trailer.
- Which means–by law–it must begin with ominous piano music.
- There is a pretty white girl in trouble.
- She is making a very serious face.
- Look:
- That is a very serious face.
- Also: did you know that there was mascara in space?
- She looks like she should be smoking Marlboro Reds in the parking lot of the Mos Eisley 7-11.
- And while she is making that face, she is completely surrounded by Star Wars.
- X-Wings, and droids, and that dopey Tour de France-style space helmet the guy in the picture’s wearing.
- It’s like the set was cosplaying as Star Wars.
- You might just call it Star Warsing.
- This trailer is the Star Warsiest thing ever, and we haven’t even gotten to the AT-AT walkers.
- Then, Mon Mothma and a Hispanic guy show up.
- (The Star Wars Universe has become decidedly more diverse since Disney bought the property, although the hero is still going to be a pretty white girl. Felicity Jones, Daisy Ridley, Luke Hamill: pretty white girls. Also, that the push for an integrated SWU is mostly based in added value in the global market makes no difference. Any casting process that gives me Forest Whitaker and Donnie Yen in a Star Wars movie is to be lauded.)
- The innertubes have already begun speculating on whether the Hispanic guy is Poe Dameron’s father, because the innertubes are racist.
- There is punching.
- Blasters, which make the sound .
- PEW PEW.
- And the pretty white girl goes, “This is a rebellion, right? I rebel.”
- Which is a dumb fucking line.
- “This is a star war, right? LIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERYAAAAAY.”
- Kinda blatant, is all I’m saying.
- Back to the action: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Death Star.
- They have made five Star Wars films and the Death Star has been in four of them.
- That’s an 80% market penetration.
- Holy shit: Star Wars isn’t about Jedis or the Force or any of that bullshit.
- It’s about the Death Star.
- Quick: someone go concoct an elaborate revisionist theory where the Death Star is the protagonist.
- A series of shots:
- Space Nazi in a cape!
- X-Wing pilots running!
- Stormtroopers patrolling somewhere dusty!
- Forest Whitaker!
- Wait.
- One of these things is not like the other.
- Luckily, Forest Whitaker is a god among men and he and his sloppy eyeball can be in every movie, as far as I’m concerned.
- Plus, if you were on one of the seemingly-millions of desert planets in the Star Wars Universe, and you ran into a crazy person in a cave, that person would be Forest Whitaker.
- It just makes sense.
- I would pay to see a shot-for-shot remake of the original Star Wars with Forest Whitaker playing every part: Han, Luke, Leia, the droids.
- Forest Whitaker is also wearing a cape.
- We’ve discussed the cape thing.
- This trailer is less than two minutes long, and there are a good 35 characters wearing capes.
- And then there’s a bunch of mysterious bullshit: out-of-context shots of the bad guy, and the true, secret bad guy (can’t be Star Wars without a true, secret bad guy), and a new stormtrooper or two.
- Running!
- Peril!
- Escaping!
- AND THEN DONNIE YEN LAYS SOME MOTHERFUCKING SPACE KUNG FU ON A STORMTROOPER.
- Perhaps you know how I feel about Donnie Yen.
- If you need a refresher course:
- Now: they’re not going to let him to do that, but his mere presence in the film is enough for me.
- I got a yen for Yen.
- He’s the biggest movie star in Asia, so it makes sense why he’s in here: China doesn’t really give a shit about Star Wars at the moment, but Disney is intent on changing that opinion.
- It’s a bit surprising a Bollywood star or two isn’t in this.
- And then AT-AT walkers have their grand entrance and–as is the trope–can’t shoot for shit.
- Our Star Warriors are running, slowly and in straight-ish lines, on an open tarmac, and no one gets hit.
- And don’t give me any of that bullshit about the Force.
- At a certain point, one has to call the Empire’s competence into question.
- Killing a person standing in the middle of what is essentially a parking lot should be doable by a military.
- Hell, leave the walkers on the Star Destroyer and just carpet bomb the area for a couple days.
- Or a machine gun.
- One United States Marine with a rifle and half-decent position could solve this problem for you; even if they had gotten the job done, the robot death elephants are overkill.
- Then there is more piano music, and it is very sad, and the pretty white girl is now wearing Tie-Fighter pilot armor, and if you want, you can go to YouTube and watch professional nerds discuss this fact for hours upon hours.
- She makes another serious face.
- Look:
- I sincerely hope that Felicity Jones can make more than one face.
“Hey, Jer.”
“What, Bob?”
“I think that guy’s smoking pot.”
“Good for him.”
“I think he’s one of the cool kids.”
“Weir.”
“His girlfriend’s a cheerleader and he has a car.”
“Weir.”
“They make out in the car, probably.”
…
“If you don’t shut up and play your guitar, I’m not giving you back the collar to your shirt.”
“You promised!”
“We’re all so darn proud of ya.”
Shit.
“Comment section and I.H.O.G.–”
The International House of Garcias, yeah.
“–are all just havin’ theyselves a whale of a hoot of a jamboree of a possum roast.”
Slow down on the folksiness.
“Can’t help it. I’m Backwoods Garcia.”
What does that even mean?
“Ever be deep in them piney woods and hear a guitar solo?”
No.
“Well, that’s me playin’.”
Is this some sort of animism thing?
![[PDF] Randy Quaid released from](http://thoughtsonthedead.com/wp-content/uploads/PDF-Randy-Quaid-released-from-300x188.jpg)
“WE ARE GOOD CHRISTIANS, SIR.”
Oh, good. More.
“Bedevil us not with your heathenry.”
Are you Old Testament Garcia?
“No, I’m Dennis Quaid’s Brother Garcia.”
This doesn’t even have a premise! This is all fucking stupid and makes no sense!
“Why can’t you accept that there are Garcias everywhere?”
…
“Look to your left: Garcias; to your right: also Garcias.”
…
“Neither of us are Garcias, though.”
Don’t lie to me, fuckers.
“It’s true.”
So, you’re not Twin Garcias?
“Of course not. That’s ridiculous.”
That’s what I’ve been saying. Thank God for some sane people.
“We merge to form one Garcia.”
Ah.
“We are Voltron Garcia.”
Fuck you.
“Can you not see the infinite Garcias in the world’s eyeballs?”
I have no idea how to answer that.
“I am Foreign Garcia.”
Yeah, I’ll give you that: you are foreign as fuck.
“My man-bun knows secrets.”
Probably.
“I like the bit as well.”
And which Garcia would you be?
“No, no: I am a Bobby.”
I quit.
The Limbo contest was Bill Graham’s idea, and it didn’t catch on.
I’ll watch this ten more times and tell you dumb jokes about it later, but for now: there is more Star Wars, now featuring space kung fu.
- HIST 1969A Israel – Palestine: Lands and People. (“I can solve the whole thing over there. Ridiculous. You know: Jews, Palestinians, whatever. It’s land! I’m a real estate guy. I know land, I know deals. I could probably have the whole thing settled in a year. Under a year. More than six months. Under a year. Solved.”)
- GRMN 1340R Literature and Multilingualism. (“I’m probably the most multilingual guy I know. Great at languages. When I was seven, I taught myself Finnish. I know the most languages. My wife, Melania, is a great beauty and knows five languages, but I know more. The amount of languages I speak goes up and down with how I feel. A good day could add a half-dozen languages. I’m great at talking in languages.”
- GEOL 1240 Stratigraphy and Sendimentation. (“I banged Princess Diana. Before she died. Banged her. They all denied it. Whole family, not one of them with a job. All of my children work. No special treatment. I sexually harass Ivanka just like any other employee, but in my defense: she has great cans. Princess Diana had okay cans. Not active in bed. Very sad what happened. I banged her.”)
- ENGL 0100V Inventing Asian-American Literature. (“I invented Asian-American literature. People don’t know that, and they call me racist. How can I be racist when I invented Asian-America literature? Fitting in. Mom showing love through cooking. All that crap. I invented it. I also banged Amy Tan. Cans were also just okay.”)
- CLAS 0660 The World of Byzantium. (“The Byzantines love me. I am very popular with the Byzantines, despite having such a simple message.”)
- INTL1802Q Iran and the Islamic Revolution. (“Why is the nuclear option off the table? How do you negotiate like that? Weak. Not saying I drop a nuke on Teheran. But Iran has to have other cities, right? Smaller ones? Maybe one of them. You think they wouldn’t nuke us? I go in there and say ‘The last guy’s deal is null and void’ and then I nuke a town. Much better deal.”)
- ENGL 1900R Queer Relations: Aesthetics and Sexuality. (“Many homosexuals worked on The Apprentice, which made me a ton of money. $213 million from that show. Surrounded by homosexuals. Television business. Big success for me, and I wanted to keep doing it. Arnold’s gonna do it now. He’s gonna try. Good luck to him, because I still own a piece of the show. Actor. Politician. Businessman? I don’t know about that. Good luck to him.”)
- JUDS 1630 The Talmud. (“People don’t know this, but I am a world-renowned Talmudic scholar. Many Talmudic scholars have asked for lessons, but there’s not enough money in it, even though the Jews have money. Not scholars, though. Poor. Dumb. Smart, but dumb. I’m the best at Talmud. Mishnah. Gemara. If you said ‘This rabbi said this,’ then i would say ‘But this rabbi said that.’ Best at Talmud.”)
- COLT 1610E Crisis and Identity in Mexico 1519-1968. (“How about Mexico keeps their crisis in Mexico? Why do we get their crisis? Some of them come to work, I guess. Others come to murder. I have been told this by many very smart people: Mexicans love murder. Maybe it’s cultural. Maybe it’s genetic. Not all, not saying all. Some. Some Mexicans love murder. Maybe I’m not politically correct.”)
- PHP 1070 The Burden of Disease in Developing Countries. (“I could turn any country around. Two years. Maybe three. Depends on the weather. A real loser country, too. Chad? How’s Chad doing? Chad. Two years.”)
- HIST 1961I North Korea: Past, Present, Future. (“Un? Right? Un. Terrible name. Little fat kid. Real loser. What if something happened to him? Would you be upset? I wouldn’t be. We used to assassinate a lot of people. Now Russia’s doing all the assassinating. What happened to America?”)
- HIAA 1811 Pre-Fabrication and Architecture. (“Princess Diana was very complimentary of my love-making. I gave her many orgasms. Couldn’t go public. Later on, she dated an Arab. I had her first, plus I’m still alive. Cans were just average. Gotta be honest. Just average cans.”)
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