Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Page 652 of 1031

A Spoonful Of Sugar Magnolias

February 20, 2016 / / 2 Comments

A bit of housekeeping:

  1. My apologies for burdening you, Enthusiasts, but you must re-subscribe. Or you could cut all ties and throw your computer in a lake, then regret your decision because now you have no place to access your various pornographies, and get eaten by an alligator trying to retrieve your device. (Sure, this is a site-specific option, as most of the country is alligator-free, but maybe you’ll be bitten by the alligator of self-doubt or get a real alligator of a leg cramp and drown. Lakes have alligators in them; just because the alligators are metaphorical doesn’t make them less dangerous.)
  2. Scroll all the way down and you’ll see that there’s now a “Subscribe” button. It has instructions, and you’ve all been properly educated. (The Canadians, at least. All the Americans, just shoot at your keyboards until something happens.)
  3. There are also, I just discovered, two “Search” buttons. I also don’t know what happens if you search for one “Search” button using the proximate “Search” button. Universe might have a seizure. Don’t do it.
  4. The site shares posts automatically with Twitter and Facebook, and if you want to share a post, use the Share button: it does that creepy one-tap thing where you can tell one website about another website. I could add more buttons if people ask, to connect to Pinterest or Whatnot or whatnot. (Whatnot is a new social media site dedicated to being even more tribal and trivial than Twitter; whatnot is a word that means “stuff.”)
  5. I fucked around with the settings for ten minutes re: the mobile version, and I have no idea what the result is. It looks okay to me, but tell me if I’m wrong.
  6. That’s about it, I guess.
  7. Proud walkers.
  8. Whispering hallelujah hatracks.
  9. Stop it.
  10. Numbered lists are fun!
  11. This is why you don’t get to use them. No more numbered lists.
  12. Aw.
  13. I’m also taking away your bass drum.
  14. Aw.

Incorrigiblism

February 20, 2016 / / 4 Comments

If you ever wondered why people hold lawyers in contempt, just read some of the articles glorifying Scalia’s nimrod bullshit. Lawyers, like cops and doctors and every other conspiracy against the laity, circle their wagons to puff up even the worst of their own.

Antonin Scalia was a “towering mind,” not a superstitious fool fingering his rosaries while shouting “NOT FOR YOU, FAGGOTS,” in the most poly-syllabic and condescending way he could have his clerks write. Scalia was a “brilliant jurist,” and not someone who believed he could read the minds of centuries-dead slaveowners. His opinions were “Deeply thought out and argued,” not transparent efforts to maintain the powerful and piss on the common man.

I wouldn’t expect you to understand: you didn’t go to law school.

When Clarence Thomas dies, we are going to learn what a genius that man was; I guarantee it.

Post-Modern Homes And Gardens

February 19, 2016 / / 3 Comments

I may, from time to time, exaggerate. This comes as a shock, sure, but I’m being more honest than anyone’s ever been in history. Even foreign history.

The move was not a move at all. I’ve moved my actual residence around a dozen times since leaving home, and every time was the worst time. Any wisdom about moving you accrue is perfectly matched by the amount of stuff you accrue. You know as well as I do that books have sex while you’re sleeping and give birth to more books.

Not a digital move. Truly much simpler, and much easier on the knees. Also, at no point did I have to drive a 19′ cargo van through the middle of Boston at two in the afternoon. It took me an hour to find the theme and install it (there will be tweaks); the site hooks itself up to Twitter and Facebook if you ask it nicely; the app connected to the new address in five minutes. (It would have been two, but I forgot my user name, and then my password, and then I got up and walked into the kitchen for no reason at all.)

Importing the archives was the toughest part, but I stuck to my guns, and eventually someone did it for me. An intelligent, compassionate, and handsome man named Mike Mueller volunteered his valuable time to import (or export or deport or whatever) the archives; for this, he is named to the Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Barter.

In addition, Mike joins luminaries such as David Gans and Joel Murray–

Please leave Joel Murray out of this.

–in being able to call himself an FoTotD (Friend of Thoughts on the Dead), which entitles him to 10% off at all Quizno’s. (Sadly, it also comes with an automatic ban at Terrapin Crossroads: the restraining order is remarkably far-reaching.) Mike is also entitled to use the title Sir Michael. He may also be addressed as His Miraculousness or, you know: just Mike. He’d probably prefer Mike. If someone called me Sir TotD, I’d toss their tea into the ocean.

So, do me and yourself a favor and visit him at AreWeConnected.com. He builds websites, although I think most people have to pay him, or at the very least contact him first. In all honesty, Mike will probably not arrange with your sister-in-law to do your work for you. Probably a one-shot deal, so if you have website needs, be direct and ask the man.

Even better, you can pledge a couple bucks and back him in the Cycle for Survival he’s doing on February 27th. All the money goes to Sloan-Kettering, specifically for research into rare cancers.

You’ll probably need to resubscribe over here, I would assume, and if your comments don’t show up immediately, it’s because you have to be re-approved. (I will be maintaining much stricter discipline in the Comment Section over here; you guys trashed the last place. I did not get the deposit back. There’s gonna be at least 30% less grabass in there, or I’m cracking skulls.)

Guess that’s it.

…

…

…

Tell ’em about the–

KNOCK IT OFF.

…

You know you want to.

You’re the devil.

Pleased to meet you.

Bill Graham Intro>

February 19, 2016 / / 10 Comments

“Good evening. We welcome you, on behalf of the lonely weirdo.

“This is our first night in the new hall, and we hope you’ll bear with us. My staff and I have been working frantically for the past week to get the place ready, stopping only to play pickup basketball games, eat kischka from Ratners, and bribe city inspectors. I also threw many, many people out of my office while screaming at them in Yiddish, but I can do that and something else at the same time. Bill Graham invented muti-task–

“YOU! GET YOUR FEET OFF THE FUCKIN’ SEATS! YOU! BLUE SHIRT!

…

“Thank you. I mean, c’mon! We’re all here to get loose and get down and get up and maybe get next to one another, but keep your feet off the seats. Does Bill Graham come to your house and fuck the ficus?

“All right, so: it is our first night here, like I said, and we think we have the kinks all worked out, but we hope you’ll bear with us. One thing, though: no poo-poo. Pee-pee all you want, but if anything denser than cotton candy gets flushed, we’re probably all going to die. We’re gonna have that worked out by the 11th, when Humble Pie is slated to appear, but until then, the barrels that we usually fill with apples will have bananas in them.

“I went back to my apartment this afternoon, take a shower, new clothes. Walking back, a kid sees me, and he’s way across the street, I don’t know how he saw me.

“‘BILL! HEY, UNCLE BILL?

“He’s screaming, right?

“‘Nu?’ I yell back.

“‘IS THERE A SHOW TONIGHT?’

“Didn’t ask who was playing. Couldn’t care less who was playing. Just wanted to know if there was a show tonight.

“There’s a show tonight. Thank you for coming to the show.”

Good Evening, We Welcome You

February 18, 2016 / / 30 Comments

Hello?

…

What fresh hell is this?

It’s the new site.

I don’t like it.

Why?

It’s different. And, Jesus, it’s empty! Where are all my glorious words?

The dick jokes and character assassinations?

That’s them, yeah!

You have to migrate the whole thing over here.

…

Someone has to help you migrate the whole thing over here.

…

Someone’ll do it for you if you incompetent real loudly.

Oh, I’m good at incompetenting in public.

Like a kitten left in a dumpster meowing at a hundred decibels.

Ha. Yeah. Good one. WHERE IS MY LIFE’S WORK?

You haven’t created it yet.

I meant the archives. And all the comments and stuff. Archives get the main focus, but we should try to save the comments. If we can. If there’s time. Whatever.

You do it all for the fans.

That’s what I tell them, yeah. Anyway: where’s the logo?

That was another thing you were incapable of handling like a human.

I disagree strongly: trying to get someone else to do your work for you is the definition of handling something like a human.

Please stop being petulant.

I don’t wanna and you can’t make me.

We’re getting off to a rousing start.

Well, you don’t open with a show-stopper. First rule of show biz.

…

Okay, do I get my innertubes money now?

I hate you.

Will I get paid in Bitcoin?

I hope so.

Because I do not understand Bitcoin.

That’s why I hope so.

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